A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a happily married man who loves his wife of 3 years a lot. Just last month, she bore me a beautiful son too.I started at a new job in January 2007. Later that year, this lady colleague, A, joined. She was quite attractive looking and I was smitten. However, I know my marital status and kept things friendly. Besides, she's also married with 2 children. I treated her the same as my other colleagues; plenty of jokes, chit-chat and grouses about work. There were some light flirts here and there but it's only normal among friends/colleagues who grew close together.In December 2007, things started turning topsy turvy. I sometimes lace my flirts with sarcasm and irony; when she says things like, "perhaps you might fall in love with me someday" I would go, "yeah yeah, right. You're the only woman in the world for me". It was a sentence from me that was never meant to be believed. To which she would reply, "You sound so insincere, I don't believe you." She sounded like I meant it.Later on, she started getting aggressive. Asking me questions like whether I do love her. Whether I have feelings for her. To which I replied I do not. However, my curiosity was piqued. I am not an attractive man, my wife was my first and only girlfriend that I had. I started talking to her more. Having heart-to-heart talks with her. She admitted that she has developed a crush on me. She couldn't remember when or why but she developed feelings for me somehow. I tried to counsel her then. I told her it's irrational. She is happily married with 2 kids. There is nothing that I can offer her.However, the more I talked to her, learnt about her, had heart-to-heart talks with her, I started feeling something... I started developing feelings for her. I get jealous when other male colleagues get close to her. We started stealing away from office together during meal breaks to be together. During these breaks, we usually chatted. I started placing my arms around her. She started bending her face close while flirting with me. I think we're slowly falling for each other. Sex with her was never on my mind.Of course, we're not all peaches and cream. There were the guilty moments. When the guilt we felt would pull us apart for a while. But we would still get back together.I truly love my wife. She was there when no one else was. She's really a wonderful wife and we had many fantastic moments together. However, I can't bear to be seperated from A. I think of her a lot. I miss her when I'm not with her and she feels the same way about me too.I really do not know what to do. I can't bear to leave A. But I feel guilty towards my wife. Is it ok for us to pursue this illicit affair; perhaps meeting once a month? Should I just stop all communications with her (cold turkey)? Should I just try to be friends with her (I wanted this originally)? So many questions...Thank you for your time in reading this. I know it's long but I felt that some of the details need to be in.
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affair, crush, flirt, get back together, jealous, married man Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): I have been at the recieving end of a situation quite simalar. I am a single female living in the uk and I had an affair with a married man. I understand well and truly that you didnt intend for any of this to happen. Good people make mistakes and thats why I never ratted my married man out to his wife. I love him and I can never be with him. I went abroad and was still not able to forget him. I honestly believe that evan though you marry someone and make those vows...who says that you have to 'feel' like you only want one person for the rest of your life. As your wife is your first girlfriend then thats more reason for you to expirement. It took alot for me and my married man to let go. I know he loved me and he also loved his wife but it wasnt just his wife he would have been leaving for me. Evan though he has no children (yet), they have joint friends, and the family who loves them both and watched them get married! Its hard to just give all that up. My advice to you is take some time out and have a good hard look in the mirror and ask yourself what you want and who you can be more happier with? Your wife and your lovely baby boy. Or A? I am not saying A means more or vice versa but you can't have your cake and eat it. Maybe you should ask your wife for a open relationship and A should do the same with her husband. Since you havent had sex maybe your just confusing feelings of love with friendship. I have thrown alot at you but you need to sit down and think. Evan though I let myself be the other women If it was me and I was married I would never cheat. SO I ask myself always, ' why do married men do this when they are perfectly happy with their wife'.I really do hope you make the right decision. However if A really means something to you then tell her to go home to her family if you choose your wife. Don't keep leading her on as you don't really know what her marriage is like and how her husband treats her. I hope you get it all sorted. I would like to say to anyone who reads this. Sometimes you make a mistake, I believe everyone should get a second chance. I made a mistake but I dont regret what I done as its made me more mature and shaped who I am today.
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 I think that you cannot stay friends because you tried that in the beginning. I think you should stop all communication with her.
Idk who you think you are telling her things are irrational when you are having the exact same feelings. I think you were trying to make yourself out to look like "the good guy" when you said that here, but I don't believe it for a second.
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A
female
reader, Skeez  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 Its Lust hun. Not love at all. This is probably some sleezy office crush. You say your wife was also your first girlfriend and only girlfriend....well think about the reason why you met your girlfriend and why it came to such luck that you married each other... The answer is plain and simple, you are deeply in love with her and she is with you. Its almost unlikely to find this kind of relationship when you actually marry the only women you have felt for in your life. I think the reason why u THINK u like this other woman a lot is becuase you are inexperianced and want something different. I think you should just cut off all contact with this woman and start concentrating on yur wife. Bring your attention to her. Flirt with her. Make her a meal and hav dinner in together. Have a shower or a bath together with candles lit and just remember why you are there with your wife. She is worth much much more than this colleague of yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): If you think your in a pickle now with these emotional pulls and feeling, just imajine what is going to happen and what you will have to handle when you continue this and loose your family.
Bottom line doll, go right ahead with this fantasy and be prepared for the fallout. Don't say later it was a mistake and you never meant for this to happen. Have more pride than that.
Your being tempted and BOTH you and she know where it will lead. BOTH of you have already cheated on your respective spouces, I just hope your both worth it.
No reason for continuing any of this if your serious about how much you love your wife and child. People don't behave like this when that statement is a fact. People also can't say that is a fact when they are considering doing everything which contradicts that very statement.
Your need to work out if you enjoy the excitment and being perved at. If it is a simple as that rush for you, then do something which people will respect you for and not something that arseholes do or consider doing.
If this statement is true;
"I'm a happily married man who loves his wife of 3 years a lot. Just last month, she bore me a beautiful son too"
- THEN HOW HARD CAN IT REALLY BE!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): I there its ok i'm having an affair with your wife! Wake up mate women aren't stupid. you will get rumbled and instead of being super stud you will be crying in your beer.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): You're heading for trouble with a capital T Sweetie.
I would take your own suggestion, and cut off the flirting right now, as it will definitely lead to sex, and after you cross that line, there is no going back.
Explain you are married, and that she is married, and close the subject with her.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Bean317 +, writes (17 March 2008):
Stop for a minute and step back...How would you feel if your wife was carrying on like this with a male colleague? What if your wife was A and another man was you...how would you feel? It's not fair to your wife or your child. Something like this happened in my family and I don't think my father will ever be forgiven by my mother which in turn makes us children bitter. You can't have it all. I think you're attracting to the excitement, it's a new chase with butterflies. Like someone else said, it's not love. Is is really worth ruining two marriages and the lives of three children? You have too many people relying on you to be selfish for an adrenaline high. You need to have strictly a professional relationship with this woman. If you can't do this, then you need to cut off all contact with her. If you find that months down the road you still can't get her off your mind and you're unhappy with your wife, then maybe you need to consider leaving and asking A to leave her family. It's risk vs reward...think about it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): What a sad and selfish man you are!You have conjured up a 'relationship' with this work colleague and you now think you'll turn this fantasy into reality!Get a grip. Your wife has just given birth to a beautiful son. Do you really want to see him grow up at a distance? Not to mention the effect this will have on your wife. All for what.. to boost your ego? Leave well alone. Grow up and move on and spend sometime on your wife and son!
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (17 March 2008):
 For gor God sake man what you feel for this other woman is LUST not LOVE. I would personally keep well away from this woman as well. You say your wife is your first and only woman you ever had as a girlfriend, I think because of your inexperience you want to see if the grass is greener over the other side. Don't you ??? Well buddy, let me tell you no it is not, you have a beautiful wife and child to think about.
Try directing some of your over active hormones in your wife's direction and love and cherish her like you should. Please do not throw away what you have with her for some office floozy. Because young man you have a lot to lose if you follow through with this affair that you want to pursue. Dusky xxx.
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