A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Any young husbands have good advice for a guy that's been married for 4 years and wants to balance friend time with wife time? I'm ready for it to not be a hassle to go play a video game with a guy for a few hours.As far as my pre-marriage friends, most of them dealt (or didn't in most cases) with me always having her with me ever since i met her. maybe I'm taking her for granted thinking that we don't always have to come as a set. I've just recently come up with a hunch for the reason I've gotten pretty distant from my pre-marriage friends. She's gotten distant as hell from most of her friends too. You think most of our friends are sick of our other halves? My hunch is that maybe we're not showing our friends that they are important to us to. I'm just looking for general advice on the subject. Being young and seeing plenty of older couples with no friends I don't want to regret one day having no one to talk to but her. I love her so much she's my soul mate and we're together forever, but I've lost so many friends in the last year. Can i be inlove, married and have friends forever too somehow?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the help people, things to think about, but i stumbled apon a book called "how to win friends and influence people" but it's kind of backfired in that the techniques i'm using in the book that are winning me friends, all i see is all her mistakes with people. i've kept quiet about it, giving kind pointers here and there, but in general, it's bringing a lot of my friends closer. but any time she complains about friends i don't know how to tell her she has a lot of push-away habits.
A
male
reader, Stroller  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 The fact that you need to ask this shows there's a problem - not with you spending too little time with your buddies, but with getting away from her.
"As far as my ... friends, most of them dealt (or didn't in most cases) with me always having her with me ever since i met her" - that seems very telling to me. It reads like your friends don't like her and can't go anywhere alone. That sounds controlling - maybe she doesn't act controlling, but if she "misses you when you're gone" and "wants to be with you" all the time then that's just a "passive" way of controlling you (even if she doesn't know it).
The first thing you need to do is organise one Friday a month - let's say the first Friday of the month - which is your night with the boys. Always have a plan, and maybe a back-up plan, too. Make arrangements with Larry to play Grand Theft Auto all night, but call in on Dan & Bert on your way home from work, and just jaw a little a see if they might be out on the town, so you'll know you can call their mobiles if Larry cancels on you. If you were a girl I'd say "call Denise & Beatrice on the phone for a chat" earlier in the week, but us guys don't tend to do that so well - it's pretty healthy for you to get into the habit of spending just an odd half-hour here and there "unaccounted for" and playing hookey with the boys.
There should be NO PROBLEM AT ALL about your regular Friday nights pissing it up. If there is - say she spends Saturday & Sunday ignoring you - then that tells you something about your wife, and you have to ask yourself if you want to continue this way with her forever.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): It can get messy if your friends are single and want to hang out in single environments. Also especially friends going through breakups.Its good for both of you to have friends and shows trust between you. You just need to think hey if my partner was doing this would i be happy. Nightclub, lapdance bar, getting drunk on the town, computer gaming, fishing, watching football, etc.Its sound like you have a solid relationship and thats why youve both distanced yourself from your friends. Youve made each other feel secure at the expense of your friends and thats a good base for the future. Talk to your wife and suggest meeting with your friends say once a fortnight to start off then go from there. Better still show her this site and open up the conversation. I kind of guess she misses her friend time too.Good luck
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A
female
reader, Bean317 +, writes (17 March 2008):
Have you talked to your wife about this? Maybe she feels the same way. Explain it to her flat out. Open with what you said about loving her and how its forever, but you miss your guy time. Sometimes guys just need to be around guys. Maybe agree that once or twice a month you two will have a night apart - you with the guys and she with the ladies. Maybe find some other married couples that would like to take part in this. My parents do this, they have a group of friends and the men and women divide every few outings. If you're in a marriage, you need to be able to discuss your problems openly. She should know how much you love her by now.
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