A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I started dating a guy I knew for a while after two years of losing my fiance' to cancer. I'm 35 years old and he died when I was 32 going on 33. I didn't become intimate with him until about 4 months into our dating. Anyway, this guy a lot has gone on between us, I helped him out financially etc... I ended up getting herpes from him too. The first outbreak I had was terrible, he'd never had an outbreak and he didn't know he had it. I took him with me to my doctor to draw his blood and get meds etc... My doctor confirmed that to us that I never had the antibodies in my blood but he did. Anyway, I've been trying to live above it and try to put it behind me. Here's my problem - we're supposed to be working out our relationship but he never told me that he had a girlfriend living in another state and he lied to me when she came here to visit earlier this year by trying to make me think that that was his oldest son's mom who came to work out their child support issues. I busted his bubble by letting him know that I found out he lied and showed him in 13 points how. He knew he was caught and didn't deny it said he was sorry etc... I forgave him. He ended up staying with me for the past two months, finally got him a job and found him a place and all of a sudden she came to visit and he asks me to bear with him and give him 1 week for me to stay away while she's here. He keeps trying to tell me that their situation is bigger than I think and it's temporary and won't change now.... The bad thing is I really like him and we enjoy each other, have fun etc... He says he wants our relationship to work and he cares deeply for me, doesn't want to lose me etc... I've told him to get rid of her, she wasn't around for anything when he was in need, doesn't know or care how he eats or sleep etc.. He says he knows that but won't get rid of her! I'm at my wits end with this. The fact that I now have herpes is also very bothersome to me because that has further complicated my life because if I meet someone else I will have to tell them the truth. I have never been a girl that sleeps around with every tom, dick, and harry and my fear is that I won't be able to find someone to accept me with that. I truly want a husband and family. I've treated this guy very well and been there for him through thick and thin. Should I give him a chance? I know deep down I like him a lot but I'm not sure he appreciates me or cares about my feelings. How should I handle this? What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous male reader, please don't be so quick to judge what kind of family I come from. I came from a wholesome family with both loving parents still married today for 37 years. I'm an only girl and a daddy's girl at that. I am not broken down like you think, I'm very educated, good job, my own home and car etc.... My family loves me! I'm definitely not lacking that at all. However, you are right I'm still dealing with my grief of losing the love of my life and watching and seeing him die and picked up this dude believing in him and I got hurt. I thank you for your opinion but please don't be so quick to judge someone's character or background especially when you don't know. Thank You
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 October 2012):
 What an awful person he is. He gives you diseases and lies to you about his girlfriend, there is NOTHING good about this guy. You need to have some pride and dump him! Even if he left his girlfriend for you, he was cheating on her, you can be ASSURED he will cheat on you too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): "I know deep down I like him a lot but I'm not sure he appreciates me or cares about my feelings."I'm sorry, but if you're "not sure" because you still prefer to believe what he SAYS ("He says he wants our relationship to work and he cares deeply for me, doesn't want to lose me etc...") over what he DOES (as CindyCares so concisely and accurately recaps his transgressions), then you should seek counselling because I suspect you have long-term deep-seated issues, exacerbated by the long-term illness and still-recent untimely death of your fiance, that will not resolve themselves and will only lead to more heartreak, misery, anguish and torment."I truly want a husband and family."I suspect you come from an unstable, dysfunctional and/or broken home from which your bio-father was likely absent for most, if not all, of your childhood, and you are desperately longing for the type of family life I was fortunate enough to have always had and take for granted. I suspect that due to lack of strong adult role models, you never learned how a healthy family works and functions, and so you literally have no idea how to achieve what is essentially for you has become an unattainable goal. Not your fault, you can't learn what you weren't taught by example. I suspect that your reluctance to dump lying, cheating, STD-giving, deadbeat absentee father boyfriend may be due to abandonment issues relating to your own childhood, exacerbated by the long-term illness and still-recent untimely death of your fiance.I suspect the the long-term illness and still-recent untimely death of your fiance made you feel even more abandoned, vulnerable, insecure, and alone in the world, and therefore even more susceptable to the dubious charms of current bf. "How should I handle this? What should I do?"Again, I politey and respectfully but firmly suggest you seek the opinion of a neutral third-party and trained professional as you have a lot of issues to sort out and work through. That you are willing to "be there" for such an obvious loser "through thick and thin" while still wondering if you should still "give him a chance" suggests you need help, information, and support to start making good decisions in order to overcome your past and transform yourself into a well-adjusted, enmotionally healthy, loving, giving, productive adult.Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 October 2012):
 Just because you are stuck with the herpes he gave you doesn't mean you have to be stuck with this suck-tastic guy.
Honey, he is just using you. A warm body while he is away from the GF.
I agree with uncle tamperingtampaguy - have a little pride and dump the dead weight.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 October 2012):
 What should you do ? RUN !
This guy is a whole daily newspaper full of bad news.
He needs- or wants- your financial help. He gives you an STD . He has child support issues ( baaaad news ). He has another girlfriend,! he won't fess up and tries to lie to your face about it, but anyway... he won't get rid of her.
He says he says- he can say all he wants, by now you should know better than putting any stock in what he says, since you KNOW he is inveterate liar.
I think he give you more than enough reasons to safely assume that no, he's not your Mr. Happily ever after, what are you staying with him for ? hasn't he done enough already ?... do you want to wait until, say, he hits you with a baseball bat... THEN you 'll realize that he's not marriage material ?....
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A
male
reader, tamperingtampaguy +, writes (11 October 2012):
Leave this guy if you have any pride. Even if you 'win' him, he is a serial cheater . You have to wonder what kind of women he is desperate to bed when he gets herpes. I feel for you and understand that the Herpes thing will limit your choices. I do think the brightside is that you can find herpes meetups online via meetup.com, fb etc. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (11 October 2012):
 Well.
Its weird he did not know he had herpes as sometimes you get outbreaks.
I think having another gfriend and not wanting to get rid of her its UNACCEPTABLE!
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