A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Throughout my life, I've always been told that I'm pretty, beautiful, and attractive. I'm confident in myself, but not overly confident. I'm not exactly "sexy" or dress like it, but I'm tall and thin with a pretty face. Naturally, I've always received affection from guys. Whenever I liked a guy, he was sure to like me and I was sure to have him as my boyfriend if I wanted to. However, throughout my life, my parents have had high expectations for my significant other. I have had five serious relationships, and my parents have only liked one of my exes. He was the "cutest" one. They hold high expectations for my boyfriends' appearances. Although I used to feel that my parents needed to "chill out" some, I came to realize that they may know me best. All of my relationships have lasted between 6 months to a year, most of which ended due to loss of interest/romance. The only relationship that was different was with the "cute" one whom I dated for two years and ended the relationship due to other reasons. Are looks and "matching" your significant other really that important? Looking around to my friends and peers, they seem to date people that look close to them. Actually, I've never been immediately physically attracted to any guy except for my "cute" ex. We were very attracted to one another and had a great relationship that never got old--definitely not just because of looks, but it was a significant factor. The other guys I've dated were because they pursued me and they had great inner qualities (as did my "cute" ex). I'm not a shallow person, however, I realized that I'm prone to eventually breaking up with guys that aren't my "type" because I'm simply no longer attracted to them. I've tried to renew some of those relationships but felt nothing. Should I start holding higher expectations from now on and only look/wait for a more attractive guy? Should I stop giving other guys a chance? I understand that it sounds shallow, and I don't want looks to be an important factor, but perhaps they are? Perhaps it has nothing to do the guys but myself?Any genuine insight and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. - Lora, 22
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): Thank you everyone for your wonderful responses! It is very helpful to hear from those who are more experienced. Thank you for being kind. It would definitely be a tricky/awkward issue to bring up with people I know.
- Lora
A
male
reader, alphamalesyndrome +, writes (7 April 2012):
Yeah I'm a pretty good looking guy and went through the same thing you went through, Lora. I tried dating "nice" girls I wasn't physically totally attracted to, and it never lasted. I also read that in general, people get into relationships with people that are equally good looking. So it's not just your imagination or your friends.
Go for what you want and don't lower your standards.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 April 2012):
 Hi Lora
Looks are not everything. And it is not good to judge a person on looks alone. However often people of similar attractiveness are drawn to each other.
At your age I would recommend that you try to evade the overbearing interest of your parents. It is you who will share your life and your home and your body with your beloved. Not your parents. They seem to be having far too much input and influence with each guy.
I also think it is far too limiting to choose just one type. When I was single I found that a wide range of guys appealed to me and similarly I was lucky enough to find that a range of different guys liked me.
My criteria is what is the man all about. What are his aims in life. What is his character? Weak men can look good on the outside and have no backbone on the inside.
Please try to look below the surface at any man. His character, his aims, his motivation. What makes him tick? What inspires him.
And know these answers about yourself too. As the man who is really right for you will want to know these things too.
Good Luck in your search for a partner who will make you feel luscious, loved, valued, appreciated and happy
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 April 2012):
 I agree with Cerberus, OP. Politically correct does not take you very far in love and romance. You need to also be physically attracted to the person, not just to admire him for his good qualities. " Nice " with no physical attraction is great for a platonic friendship with a member of the opposite gender,not for your lover or your life partner. And physically, you know what YOU like, no matter what other people may say.
Just, don't go overboard in the other direction, i.e. don't start, or don't get stuck in, a dysfunctional relationship with a total jerk just because he has a cute face or great abs ; that would be foolish . But perhaps ,no more fooolish than whipping a dead horse of an attractionless relationship ,just because he is such a decent person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): Lora, I think you're too worried about not being shallow and giving chances to guys who are "nice" but you don't feel that spark with. That's a very admirable trait but it's kind of counter-productive for the very reasons you have experienced first hand.
Looks are a very important factor OP I mean if you don't have a strong physical and sexual attraction to someone then you're relationship is going to peter out into a lustless friendship.
Lora it seems to me you have already come to the realization that looks are what keep the passion alive in the long run. You need to still have that yearning just to see a person after the honeymoon period ends. I mean I'm 7 years into my current relationship and over 4 living together and I still get that "wow, look at how beautiful that woman is" all the time. Take this morning for example I woke up before her and made her tea and toast, I then just lay there and watched as she went about her morning routine before work and I just wanted to drag her back into the bed but that window of opportunity is gone as soon as she has her shower. It doesn't matter how many times I see her 'yeah, yeah...very funny' smile or her 'please do this for me' pretend sad puppy dog face they still make me feel warm and fuzzy.
Think of a partner like a car OP. The kind of guy you have been going for are like Volvos. Not amazing to look at but you don't mind because under the hood is a dependable engine, a safe, strong chassis and overall pleasant drive. But they just become purely functional devices, you hop in turn the key and you get to where you're going. What most other people want then are like Ferrari's, exciting, fast, something that is an immense pleasure to just look at and sit in and do nothing, but they're expensive to buy, take a lot of work to maintain and are simply not suited for every day use and certainly aren't a very functional car again that's not ideal. The best is something in between like a BMW 6 series gran coupé. Dependable, reliable, a pleasure to drive but also something even after a while of owning can look in driveway and think "check that baby out", you never really lose that small sense of satisfaction by hearing the engine rev up each time you start it up.
It seems you just want confirmation of what you already think is right. Well you have it. Looks count for a lot, obviously they're only part of the package and definitely shouldn't be given preference over personality but they have to be a key factor from the beginning.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): A persons inner qualities should be the most important thing but lets face it, lust does play a big role. Your only twenty two years old, not like your in a rush, why not raise your expectations and see what happens for a while. Who can tell you not to, like Billy Joel says "i dont care what you say anymore, this is my life, go ahead with your own life, leave me alone".
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