A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 4.5 years. I am 29 and he is 36. Over the summer I spent 4 weeks in Cambodia for a summer job, leading a team of teenagers in voluntary work to help deprived communities. I came home feeling empowered (I had no idea I was this capable) and having fallen in love with Cambodia. He had really enjoyed 4 weeks of getting to do his own thing too. We had a big conversation about our relationship when I got back, and he revealed he had been unhappy about a lot of things for a long time. He has to pick up the slack a lot because I am a teacher so I take my work home, meaning the relationship is unequal. He also wants to have kids really soon as he is worried about being an old dad and his kids not meeting their grandparents etc.I feel at a crossroads. I'm thinking about moving to Cambodia for 6 months to teach. I could work out how I feel about my job and feel as though I'm making a real difference. But my relationship is incredible in so many ways, I'm just not ready to have kids (in 1-2 years was my plan) and my teaching job gets in the way of my relationship. We both agreed we couldn't do long distance, but we couldn't just pick up where we left after 6 months if I went either. By travelling, would I be throwing away a good career and a wonderful relationship or will I regret it if I don't go and find out what I'm capable of alone?
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2019): My gut feeling is, if you're asking this question, he's not the guy. Or you're not ready for him to be the guy. If you really really wanted to be with him and he really really wanted to be with you, you'd both find a way to make it work. No judgement at all! There's nothing wrong with that, but take a hard look at your feelings.
I can see you're in the UK so unless you're in NI you can get another teaching job fairly easily when you get back. Are you happy to see if you can get another man when you get back? Presumably you'll continue to be a teacher either way, so is he going to expect you to quit your job and mind the kids, cos otherwise won't your job continue to 'get in the way'?
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 September 2019):
 Successful happy relationships are as much about timing as about anything else. We are ready to settle down when we are ready to settle down. Everyone has a different timetable.
Two points stood out for me in your post:
- What you discovered about yourself while in Cambodia and how much you want to go back. I predict you will always regret it if you don't go back.
- Your partner is already unhappy about your relationship in general due to your teaching job. If teaching is your vocation, rather than merely a chosen career, that will not change presumably (except during the time you have children and are at home with them).
It sounds to me like you may have to consider that your relationship has run its course. You both sound like you may be trying to keep it going because you don't want to throw away those years you have been together and because your partner is eager to have children soon.
If a 6 month gap while you do something you so passionately want to do would be a deal breaker to your relationship after all these years, is that not, in itself, a telltale sign that all is not as wonderful as you say?
Just MY thoughts.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2019): If you can even think of living apart from your bf for at least 6mo because you fell in love with Cambodia and your desire is to go and see what you can do on your own, then GO, for sure! You are not serious relationship material. There is no I, in WE! Btw, in your classroom, are you not showing what you can do, on your own? As far as helping under priviledged communities, can you not find those in the UK? One day, you may be ready, to dedicate your life to one special man, but he is not that man, nor has that day arrived!
...............................
A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (10 September 2019):
 Hello there,
I think you have an amazing opportunity in front of you and I believe you would likely regret it if you didn't go for it while you're in the best time of your life to.
I can understand that, at 36, he wants children soon. However, he didn't need to date someone so much younger. Yes, many women are ready at 29, but lots aren't and he'd have been more likely to find someone closer to his age was ready.
It can be very hard to juggle teaching and a baby because you do have a large workload that gets done at home. Trying to balance work, bringing work home, a relationship and raising a young family is going to be hard, so it may be wise to do everything else you want to do now and work out the logistics of the rest once you've done the 6 months in Cambodia and start dating new people.
Teaching abroad often looks great on CVs, so I don't believe you'll be throwing your career away. I'm also not sure why 6 months apart would be too much if you communicated every day or so and were right for each other. That said, I'm not sure you are well-matched because he (understandably) feels neglected or overshadowed by you having to bring work home and isn't totally happy with your relationship now, let along with 6 months long distance.
You have to decide what is most important to you. In almost all cases, I'd advise never to let a relationship stop your own personal growth and achieving your goals. If your relationship is meant to be, it will survive the 6 months, but you've both decided not to try, which suggests you're not a great match for each other anyway.
Best of luck, OP!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2019): I would say follow your career and travel plans you have to do whats right for yourself no one else, as selfish as that sounds its the truth because you wont be happy otherwise. I have been in a similar situation and left my boyfriend behind while I travelled and we were apart for a year and still kept in touch and got back together when I came back so you can have it both ways eventually if you are both strong enough in your relationship why not give it a try nothing to lose 6 months isn't that long at all
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2019): You both don't appear to be on the same page (in some ways) would he not like to experience more away from domesticity,
and go with you.
Six months is not really a life time apart, relationships do survive with good friendship and love at the core.
You do sound like you have pretty much created a vision of the future you really want.
You say 'see what your capable of alone' sometimes it's fantastic to share a sunrise, share an unusual experience
especially when travelling.
A family member of mine is a teacher ( as I am too ) and she took off to China to teach with her young daughter, stayed for 3 years, then went to teach in Africa and adopted a little baby boy, then a year later a little girl. Yes, her career paused and she returned home but she has never stopped experiencing life, she has many career plans and children do not have to change career and travel, she teaches them as well as in the special schools she goes to overseas. Just saying don't let the idea of creating a family block you.
As Honeypie say's you both need to do some talking and soul searching. I would suggest asking him if he would like to experience more of the world and bring his unique skills into these areas, and let the universe decide when and if you both have children. Could he take a leap of faith WITH you? If not then I would have to say farewell.
All is not lost through choices.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 September 2019):
 This is one of those conundrums that ONLY you can answer.
You two don't really want the same things (at least not at the same time) You have both invested 4 1/2 years into this relationship so I don't think HE is being unreasonable in wanting more. Funny enough... he mention kids, but not marriage?
YOU aren't READY for kids, and that's understandably too. I can't really see how 1 or 2 years would make a big difference for anyone. And if anything, HE is the one who CHOSE to date someone 7 years younger. You have to feel ready for kids, you kind of have a bit of "catching up" to do as far as personal growth, goals etc.
Will you doing 6 months in Cambodia mean you are throwing away a good career? I don't think so. I think experiences like that can HELP you be a better teacher and perhaps better person. After all the 4 weeks made a HUGE impression in you and made you realize that you are capable of more then you perhaps knew or thought. You GREW in just 4 weeks.
As for your relationship. Letting a GOOD/GREAT partner go to achieve personal growth can be tough. I'm not really sure why you two can't make it work as a LDR for ONLY 6 months apart. As a military spouse, my husband's longest deployment was 18 months. And we made that work, add on an 11 months and 9 months deployment, various courses, training and schools over the course of his time in the Army. 6 months is NOTHING, if you are with WHO you want to be with.
So if NEITHER of you can manage to make it work through 6 months of absence and distance... how serious is your relationship? Personally, I wouldn't be happy about my partner ( in my case my husband) taking a job far away for 6 months but WE would make it work, because WE want to be with each other.
You got some thinking to do, OP.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2019): I think he is being a bit unreasonable with you when he says he has to 'pick up the slack' in your relationship just because you are a teacher and have to bring work home. What does he mean by this? Does he mean with chores? Or is it spending time with you? Surely if it's to do with spending time together then you always have weekends to do things as a couple don't you?
In reality this is what most couples are like. A lot of people work hard and are always too tired to spend quality time with their partners through the week, so they compensate for it at weekends. He says he doesn't want to be an old Dad but 36 is still quite a young age when you think about it. My father was 43 when he had me and still was able to do things like play sports with me. I never ever thought he was old or past it.
Heck there are men in their 60s and 70s who are still having kids. You have told him you are not ready for children yet but will be in 1-2 years, which is more than reasonable as long as you are true to your word. It is very normal for men to have children in their late 30s. For many this is the perfect age.
One thing is certain though; if you want to do something like go to Cambodia teaching for 6 months then you must do it NOW because after you've had children it will be almost impossible for you to do this for many, many years. The child's needs will dominate your life for a very long time to come.
To be honest it sounds like a fantastic opportunity to teach in Cambodia and would do your career absolutely no harm at all. Is there any particular reason why you and your partner cannot do a long distance relationship? I know 6 months may sound like a long time but in reality it's really not. You actually might find that the time apart makes you appreciate each other even more when you reunite.
I do think you would regret not doing it and that your partner needs to be more understanding of just how incredible an opportunity this would be for you. If you love each other enough then you can find a way to make this work.
...............................
|
