A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Am I going for the wrong type of men? I've been doing some self-reflection lately and noticing similarities in the men I date. I would say 75% of the meetups and communications are initiated by them and we would see one another 1-2 times a week. After about 3 months, they'll either do a slow fade or if not, I'll bring up exclusivity and they'll make some kind of excuse but hope to keep seeing me. For the latter, I usually just tell them I respect their decision but it's not what I'm looking for, and we go our separate ways.They all have different personalities. Some are smooth and flirty, some are awkward, some are homebodies, some are adventurous. But what they all have in common is that they are ambitious and passionate about their careers and/or hobbies. They're also almost always in the finance or technology fields, and dabble with stocks on the side. Most of them earn well. I'm attracted to men who are planners, thinkers, analyzers, and who are intense VS those that are carefree. They make me feel like they are a dependable partner. And I'm certainly attracted to intelligence. I would say I'm somewhere in the middle, but the biggest difference in personality, is that I'm more of a "doer". I'm very concrete and hands-on compared to the men I'm attracted to whom are very theoretical. There have been many times in which I felt that I couldn't keep up with their conversation or that they were being too deep or analytical, and not relaxed enough. I've always been a confident person, but after very many failed relationships or rather relationships that didn't go anywhere, it's making me re-evaluate. I'm starting to feel insecure about two things. One, not being able to keep up conversation or understand these men. Two, appearing like I'm too carefree or have no passions.My passions are traveling and trying new experiences. I like to go kayak, read, dine out, hike, play video games, join paint nite, check out meetups, play piano here and there, go kart racing one day, and in general dabble in a variety of things. There is not one particular thing I'm truly passionate about. I'm always the friend who creates events and rallies a ton of people to join me. To me, variety keeps life (and relationships) interesting. It's not something I can or want to change about myself. But I'm afraid of giving off an aloof vibe to these men who are super passionate in one or two things such as latin dancing or running marathons. As for not being able to keep up with conversation, my friend suggested that I start reading the newspaper front page every morning and learning the basics of stocks. I think that would help me feel more in-the-know and confident when I talk to these men. Another thing I realized that is I'm turned off by men who text a lot or want to have conversation via text. I'm usually attracted to those whom text sparingly but are super engaged and interested in me when we're together. But is that equivalent to being attracted to unavailable men/non-committal behavior? What do you think about all of this? Am I going for men who are incompatible with my own personality or have I just not met the right person with mutual chemistry?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 September 2019):
 The men you are dating are not looking to settle down, and why should they. They have high market value and they can get a new date 4 times a week if they want. They may be dependable, but they are not partners. They don't need a partner, they are self sufficient.
I suspect that the reason you are meeting so many players, is because you are playing in the same field they are. Change your app, Change your profile, change the places you hang. You are not finding what you want where you are fishing, find another lake to drop your hook in.
BE very clear in your profiles that you are looking for "long term commitment".
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2019): For some people opposites attract. I certainly don't want to go out with anyone like me. To be honest, your man sounds like me, and you sound like my last partner and the differences were good! It works for me. I would continue to want to date people who are practical and carefree and I don't care if they don't have some great passion in life. Life is not a movie, not everyone has to have a special interest that defines them.
Perhaps you just haven't met the guy who wants to be with someone who is different to them? Like you're looking for opposites and they're looking for someone just like them? Or maybe you just haven't met the right guy full stop.
If you are thinking that maybe you're attracted to the wrong type, try dating someone who's more like you and see if it works for you. You can only experiment!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2019): You say you like guys who you see 1-2 times a week. That's great but it's quite proscribed. I wonder if they always feel like your 2nd favorite pastime? Or, if they're happy with that, maybe you're their 2nd favorite pastime. Maybe that's why when you suggest moving it up a gear it is more than they want.
It's a chemical thing but when people are really in to each other, they want to see each other all the time. Talk all the time. None of what you describe shows any indication you're feeling that, so are you really attracted to these men, or are they the men you think you should be attracted to?
Believe me, no stocks guy is going to be thrilled you know about stocks. If he's talking about stocks in a non professional setting, why are you dating him? If you want to hold conversations, talk about your interests, what you're passionate about with depth and understanding. Listen to what he is interested in. Ask thoughtful questions about what you've heard. You seem to approach dating like painting by numbers. Are you surprised there's no masterpiece emerging at the end of it.
What do you talk to your friends about that isn't dating? Whilst you're being a doer at all these things, haven't you found something you really like? Perhaps there's a hint of tokenism in it all. You might be super fun to hang out with but do they wonder- if you don't really like anything, or talk about the things that you're really passionate about if there's anything below the surface?
I'm not saying that there isn't anything below the surface, I don't know anything about you. But your attitude to meeting men seems to be about doing what they like to do and talking about what they like which is pretty regressive.
And yes, your dislike of guys texting you constantly is likely to discourage guys that are actually in to you, and encourage this whose see you as a part time compartmentalised pastime. But you might just dislike the wrong guys doing it who knows.
It seems a bit like you are approaching dating with a checklist. Your preferred guy sounds like the cypher of an alpha male who ends up being the bad guy in an 80s rom com.
Maybe think less about it. Do what you like, and what you feelings tell you rather than what that internalised voice from the 1950s says you should do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2019): OP, perhaps you have been drawn to ambitious high earners, in the major money fields of fianance or high tech. If you continue to just seek out high earners and people who speak over your head, you are going to get into a poor relationship with poor communication, and you are going to miss out on the good guy, who is just a regular guy, who is meant for you! Just be yourself and look for good sincere men who are not put ons. Money is important to have, in order to live your life, but men who dedicate themselves to money, and an ambition to acquire more and more, with not have room for a loving woman, and he will be absent too often from the children that he fathers! There is a big difference in a father, and a loving dad! I pray that you will find the good man, who will dedicate his whole life, to you, and any future children, which you may have, together! Blessings to you OP!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2019): I think you are going for unavailable guys who are just casually moving from one to the next and they find perhaps you are from different worlds so don't take it seriously.
I would suggest dating people who are more down to earth with a job that reflects that hands on like a builder for example then you might find a guy who is much more realistic and compatable. I use to date intelligent upper and middle class guys and I never really found a deep connection with them then I met a man who did a manual maintenance job and everything changed for me!! so I would say keep all options open and date different types of people! when it feels right you wont even have to ask about being exclusive as the guy will ask you before you get the chance like mine did !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2019): Hmm could be that they aren't just into you either. Texting constantly down at mean anything either . But it would seem that after a while the spark with your previous relationships have waned on mostly their side .
I wouldn't be reading stuff to keep up with them if it's not my interest per se then I ask questions as who to bring better knowledge than the guy your with. Also makes him feel valued
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