A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 42, my girlfriend of 4 years is 26. I originally lived with my brother after splitting with my previous girlfriend. 2 years ago, my now girlfriend wanted us to get our own places, live seperately for a year or so , then move in together. I got a flat virtually straight away, which takes half of my wage to keep and run. She still has made no attemp to move out of her parents house and now wants to buy instead of rent. So while I'm almost broke every month, she manages to save for a depostit on a house and wont leave her parents until she has a mortgage. Thing is, she cant get a big enough mortgage on her own, but wont join with me to get the mortgage she wants, because she still wants us to live seperately before moving in together.On top of all that, no one actually knows we are dating. People knew at the begining, then we split up after nearly 2 years. She told her friends and parents we split virtually right away, and they all had their opinions even though none of her friends had ever met me. But when we got back together it was on the condition she didnt have to tell anyone. I agreed to this thinking it would just be for a couple of months, but we been back together for 2 years and she still wont tell anyone. She always got an excuse why not, such as- her friends will dump her if they find out, or, her parents will disown her if they find out. Yeah, none of them will be happy at first, but she is 26 and its up to her who she dates.She also says she wants us to be getting on better before she tells them. But all of our arguments and disagreements are because no one knows and we are living a lie. And when we are getting on, she doesnt want to tell any one because she says "we are getting on now so why ruin it!"All my friends and family tell me to get rid of her as she is messing me about. And as time goes on, I think they may be right.Its nothing to do with the age gap. She is more bothered about what her friends will think of her, rather than thinking about our future together.I think the longer she doesnt tell them, the more she wont tell them. How is she going to explain to them about lying for all these years, and telling them she was single, when in fact she was dating me!At first I wanted a future with her, but the longer this goes on, the more Im thinking, do I? We been together 4 years now, I have no intention of living a lie for another 4 years!Any advice or suggestions welcome
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 She is messing you about. she is treating you like her little dirty secret. If she is embarassed about being seen with an older man- then she should not date an older man, very simple.
I think she wants to be perceived as single in case she gets a better offer. Otherwise, she has you as a convenient default option.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 April 2011):
 I don't get the whole 'wants to live seperately before moving in together'??? Isn't that what you are doing now??? living seperately??
I get the feeling she is stringing you along until she gets a better offer. The whole thing about not telling anyone you are together is part of her plan. If she does find someone else, then it's much less mess for her to clear up because nobody knows you are dating her.
I agree with cupidus, that the relationship is something you have built up in your head, the reality is that you are dating someone who isn't actually IN a relationship with you and does not want to acknowledge it to the world at large.
You have your own place now and a job, you are in a good position to date other people and find someone who isn't playing games, making a plan which doesn't include you and lying to friends and family over your existence!!
I also agree, the longer the secrecy goes on the less likely that she would ever let the cat out of the bag...you must feel awful!
Give her an ultimatum...she moves in with you and tells everyone you are an item or it's game over!
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 I think you've been with her for 4 years.I think she's been with you for about 4 days.She has HER plans. You have, well.. you have HER plans too.Its hard to realize you are in a non-relationship. That's why the time we invest "usually in our imaginations" is so hard to let go. It's harder to get out of our illusions than reality. An easy test is to not contact her and see how long before she calls and how shallow the conversation will be and it will generally be about HER.Listen to your buds, they've got your back.It'll be difficult because you've invested "in your head"4 years. The first thing you have to do is let go of time wasted. That's the cement wall between HER and HER.Sorry to say, I've been here. It's hell because in the end you only have yourself to blame and that personal guilt is the worst. Forgiving yourself will be the hardest thing.The No Contact Rule, which in this case will work for you is practice makes perfect. You are living a lie, but it's not HER lie! You're lying to yourself. Best of luck with your future RS's hopefully they won't exist in your head. Hopefully you'll see a balance a respect and reciprocation.
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