A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 6.5 years. I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 31. We met online and moved in with each other very quickly in a new town to both of us due to me getting a new job. There were some things I didnt know about my boyfriend until a few months into the relationship, such as he was unemployed from the age of 15 to 25 on government benefits and smoked weed all day during that whole period. He told me in the beginning he had a labour job with his uncle. This wasnt true. By the time I found this out, I already developed feelings for him. I told him that I was only staying with him if he gets a job and quits the weed. He did, he got a job in a shop as an assistant. Through the first 1.5 years of the relationship I realised he had a very short temper and anger problems. He would get verbally aggressive in arguments, called me names when he was angry and if we were arguing outside, he would shout at me so that everyone could hear. He would always promise to change but never did. I let it slide each time because I thought he would one day realise how much his behaviour hurts me.At the 2 year mark, we moved down to another area to start a fresh. When he moved, he managed to get a job in the same retail store. He stayed in there for a year but wanted to progress his career. I encouraged him to apply for a bank role that was open. He applied and got the job. After 3 months into the job, he went off sick with anxiety and depression. During this period I put a lot of weight on with stress and comfort eating. My health deteriorated but I maintained work because we really had no option as he was off sick. Everyday was a struggle for me but he didnt see that. Since 2016 he has started numerous jobs but then left after a couple of weeks due to anxiety and depression. So in total he's only worked about 6 weeks in 3 years. I've told him to go to the doctor many times in those 3 years but he was always reluctant, saying " no one can help him and that I sm better off dead". Eventually he went to the doctors but I dont think the medication had helped him. He's very slow and reluctant for reaching out to medical professionals for support. During the 3 years that hes been off work, hes been at home playing playstation. When hes not challenged with the thought of work, he seems happy to me. Its very confusing for me because when he does have to start a new work, he goes into severe depression mode. Then he only last a couple of weeks. I found out this year that during him being off these past 3 years, hes been lying and cheating on me with girls he met online. It broke my heart as I was putting all my effort to keep our relationship together by working and he was sat at home cheating on me. He said it was his depression that made him do it and that he never meant to hurt me. He said it all just got out of control. I gave him another chance. Since then hes lied to me multiple times and each time I give him another chance. He gets extremely defensive and angry if I ask him questions or challenge him about his odd behaviour. He doesnt realise that I need him to help rebuild the trust by being open to me asking questions sometimes. He's now been sacked again. I promised myself that I would leave him if this happened again but my heart just isnt allowing me to. I love him so much but I just cant take being shouted at, called names, being lied to or cheated on again. I dont know how he expects us to survive with money. His money gave him all her savings money over the past 3 years so that he could pay his bills and half the rent. She has no more money to give him.The past 4 years have been incredibly difficult with him. He threatens suicide all the time and when he has his fits of depression and anxiety, it can be very difficult to walk away because it looks do genuinely. I do believe he has mental health issues but I really dont know how to help him anymore. Hes been crying all day because hes worried I'll leave him. Hes begging me to give him another try and that he'll try to get a new job. I dont know how he will maintain a job if he hasn't been able to do it in the last 6.I'm worried if I give him another chance, we will end up in the same position again. I'm also worried about going to work all day and him being at home cheating on me again. Hes 31, will he ever change? Will I always feel verbally anx emotional abused by him? Should I stay or leave? What's your thoughts? I feel very attached to him and it's as if no matter how bad he treats me, I still cant imagine leaving him. It's so depressing and I feel so stuck in this situation. It feels impossible to stay or leave.
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emotionally abusive, met online, money, moved in, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2019): Sadly I don't see you leaving him despite the rant.
I think you wanted to vent and have thrown in the part about depression go try and justify staying with him.
Unfortunately he really has done a good'n on you! He's managed to manipulate you in the most conniving way so that you think you're not good enough to ditch this low life piece of dirt.
You know what my bottom line is - same as all the other aunts but I fear you'll need a tougher lesson until you pull yourself together.
Serious question - why are you still with him?
Love shouldn't hurt - maybe write that on your hand every morning to remind yourself!
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (20 September 2019):
 OP, we can love someone with all of our heart but it doesn't mean that they are good for us. It comes to a point where you need to know when to look out for yourself, be selfish and walk away to save yourself. You are not his mother/caregiver/maid/banker. He is letting you be the adult and he's just goofing off having fun. You are allowing him to do so because you say you love him and don't want to leave him.
Six years is a long time to play all of the roles you are playing. Aren't you tired of it? Can you honestly see yourself continuing the relationship this way in the future?
I have no idea if your boyfriend has mental problems but I agree 100% with the other aunts/uncles. He's smart enough to have kept you in this topsy/turvey relationship for 6 years. Darling...I hate to tell you but you are being played. He spins a story and you buy it hook, line and sinker. He cheated on you on top of everything else and yet you are still with him. Wake up, smell the coffee, take off the rose colored glasses and see things for what they ARE..not what you WANT them to be.
I will preach this forever..people change because they WANT to, not because we want them to. He's happy why should he change? You get upset? He starts it up about he'll commit suicide. Guilt trip big time so of course you won't leave.
You need to accept that it is not up to you to make him happy. God forbid if you leave him and he would end his life..that's his choice...not yours.
Life is passing you by...and he isn't giving you what you need. He's not a child he's a man. If you are that worried about him and decide to leave him let his family know. Don't let him keep you in this prison that you have walked into. The door is wide open. Walk out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2019): I am married to a man who is depressed, anxious, suffers from ADHD and is probably dyslexic.
He's seen so many shrinks and is taking so many meds.
And yes, he has some suicidal tendencies.
But none of this and I mean NONE is preventing him from being a responsible, decent human being and acting like and adult, taking responsibilities. An he never uses his problems as an excuse or threatens that he would kill himself.
So... you bf is not only sick he's an ABUSER and you should leave if you know what is good for you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 September 2019):
 Edit: ‘He gets everything paid for him by others’
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 September 2019):
We see so many posts like this on a routine basis and the answer is SO SIMPLE. Why would you honestly be trying to fight for this guy? He is a loser. He’s lazy, unmotivated, a liar, a cheat and abusive. Please tell me one positive from what you’ve described? To be quite honest he sounds like an absolute dick.
On what planet would depression cause you to cheat on someone you supposedly love? He’s using it as an excuse, an extremely shitty one at that. You seem to lap them up every time though, why is that? Do you honestly think you can’t do better than this guy? You aren’t his therapist, you’re supposed to be his partner. You aren’t there to ‘fix’ him or mother him, you’re supposed to be enriching each other’s live and to be quite honest all he’s doing is shitting all over yours.
He’s 31 years old. A full grown adult and he’s more interested in sitting at home playing playstation games and finding who to cheat on you next with than sorting out his ‘mental health’ issues. I don’t buy it for a second, he’s bullshitting you. Why would he NOT seek help if he has people surrounding him who love him and support him? The answer is because he can play on this and use it to get out of any situation that he gets himself into and it works like a charm. You are enabling his behaviour, he is treating you like shit because you let him, you buy his excuses, accept them and there’s no consequence for him. Why would he stop? His life is easy, he doesn’t work, everything is paid for by him, he’s sleeping with anyone he fancies and his GF is standing by letting it happen, where’s the negatives for him?
You really need to have a look in the mirror here where is your backbone? Kick this lazy shit into the gutter, regain your life! Your own mental health is more important than his as he clearly doesn’t give a shit about it, so why let him drag you down with him? It’s sad that you think this is the best you can do, there is someone out there who will love and respect you back yet you’re wasting it with this asshole. It’s a real shame, hopefully these answers give you the kick up the backside you need.
Hopefully you take this advice onboard and break up and what HE decides to do afterwards is NONE of your concern. If he self harms, if he did commit suicide, how is that YOUR fault? That is a manipulation tactic that people use to stop their partner leaving and it shows what a shitty person he is inside and out. You owe this guy NOTHING. Are you honestly willing to let your own mental state deteriorate because you think this is the best you can do?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 September 2019):
 What kind of a question would that be ?
Your bf might also be mentally ill (... I doubt it )
, but surely, stupid he ain't. He got it good- he does not have to work, he gets free board, lodging , utilities, and I bet whatever else he may want or need, you are always handy for sex, comfort , companionship, verbal punching- ball… in practice a live- in nurse / maid, - and there is no problem about habit and boredom, because, while you work and break your a.. for him, he can fool around and f.. k around just like a single man. Wow, ain't life sweet.
I think, IF he is mentally ill, his illness is being a sociopathic. Considering his totally remorseless selfishness !
At this point, and after 6 years of this life, and having given him already so many chances to redeem himself, chances that he always missed- sorry, I would not want to sound offensive, but TBH, between the two of you , the one who makes me think of mentall illness ( in the sense , at the very least, of emotional / affective addiction and of being codependent )...that would be you , OP. Not him. He is just a smooth operator...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2019): It is a known fact that there are men who cannot hold a job because of bad temper and for that reason they connot work within a team and they cannot accept orders or a critiszm from a superior. It seems to me your bf is one of this type. Unfortunately there is no cure for this. I wonder if he can work with animals so to get a job in an animal shelter. It is a known fact that working with animals has great a therapiotic effect on mentally ill people, or if he can do some work that require no or little mental effort. My advice you are not responsible to look after him. His family should do this,he is sick. Sorry for him really.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 September 2019):
 Don't let the issue of your boyfriend's "depression" (I put that in inverted commas because it sounds like it has never been properly investigated or diagnosed) cloud the fact he is a lying cheating abusive user.
What is it you like/love about him? Does he turn on the charm when he wants to win you over? Does he turn on the crocodile tears and guilt you into feeling sorry for him? For crying out loud, open your eyes and stop making excuses for him.
I am not saying he does not have mental health issues but that does NOT NOT NOT excuse lying, cheating and abusing you.
Sweetheart, you are worth so much more. You need a partner in life, not a project. You need someone who will have your back, not someone you abuses you and cheats on you. You need someone who will make your life BETTER, not worse.
I suspect you will ignore all this and stay with him because you don't sound READY to move on. Hopefully you WILL be ready someday soon and free yourself of this lying cheating abusive man who uses his anxiety and whatever other issues he has as an excuse to do what the hell he likes. Stop ALLOWING him to use and abuse you in this way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2019): True-love does not require people to endure bad-situations that are unhealthy or dangerous. You discovered the truth and want to claim love is so strong you've lost all sense of reason.
Seriously, girlfriend?!!
That's cute when it's an episode of a situation-comedy, or reality-TV. In real-life, you use your common-sense; no matter what your foolish-heart insists.
When remaining with someone becomes burdensome, beit financially and/or emotionally; you have to do what's best for you. How is remaining with him benefiting you? Seems he's reaping all the benefits of your staying; but you're the one writing DC for advice.
Guilt does not justify suffering or martyrdom. Loving people has to be justified by what you get for what you give. It has to be a fair-exchange of give and take. All he has done from the beginning to the present, is lie and take advantage of you.
Sweetheart, you don't really want advice. You're asking for permission. You don't require either! Read your post like it was written by somebody else, and pretend you were a DC aunt.
What would your advice be?
I think there will be a final-straw that will break the camel's back. "But I love him" is foolish; if loving him forces you to write strangers to ask what you should do.
What would your mother or father suggest you do? What about your siblings or friends? At this point, I'm sure they've all weighed-in their opinions; but you've ignored them. You came to us, because you don't want to hear a rousing-chorus of "we told you so's!" Especially, after you've written a volume of reasons why you should leave him.
What you're hoping for, is that things will just fix themselves; and you won't have to start-over from scratch. You have to make an adult-decision. Sooner rather than later! If you don't, he will drag you down into the mucky-mire right along with him!
He was clever enough to sucker you in; now be clever enough to get yourself out!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 September 2019):
 You know what to do, but you CHOOSE not to. Why is that?
The SENSIBLE and SMART thing would be to end it and kick him out (or move out yourself).
He WILL not change. YOU WISHING he would change or WANTING him to change isn't going to do SQUAT.
HE doesn't WANT to change. When things get hard or difficult HIS solution is to threaten suicide. Most likely because he isn't mentally stable. (and he KNOWS this but REFUSES to seek help) He also KNOWS that you will feel pity for him and stay, and continue to carry the WHOLE financial burden.
OP, you can't FIX this guy's issues. ONLY he can with help from a doctor, therapist and with ACTUALLY dealing with his issue.
He used suicide and crying as EMOTIONAL blackmail to get you to stay and you know what? It's worked for a LONG time for him. And when that doesn't work he falls back on the verbal abuse.
What about you? Your health? Your happiness? Your hopes and dreams? WHY are they second to him?
I think you NEED to accept that this relationship is dead in the water, there is NO future with him, it has run it's course. And WHEN you accept that, you need to figure out the next steps on HOW to SAFELY exit the relationship and move on with your life. YOU are NOT responsible for WHAT he says he will do if you leave. YOU are NOT responsible for HIS action and choices.
You have ALREADY given him 6 1/2 years o your life. WHY waste more on him when NOTHING will change?
You need to start looking out for you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 September 2019):
 Listen, youve given him six years of chances. Dont be naive. He is not going to change, you cant change him, and he does not actually want change. Hes got it good, you supporting him and him fucking around. Your boyfriend might be mentally ill, but he is also a jerk and a cheater. Depression does not make you cheat. Come on. What a jerk. I feel repulsed reading this. He is using you. Get away asap!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2019): this guy is manipulative, emotionally abusive, unfaithful, selfish and cruel.
maybe he also has depression.
So what?
That doesn't discount all of the other things. Plenty of depressed people are kind and thoughtful and just depressed as well. Your boyfriend is a piece of crap and he isn't showing you the bare minimum of respect, nevermind love. Please leave. He will never change.
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