A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:the guy im crazy in love with has finally filed for his divorce and custody.his 12 year relationship, from an outsiders perspective i suppose, was pure insane. she cheated on him constantly with men and women, which is appearant just by looking at her facebook where shes posted a ton of vulgar stuff. he says shes refused him a divorce in the past, and because they had two kids together and he never much cared to go out date someone new, he let her come in and out of their lives as she pleased, which was basically whenever she wasnt on a drug bendge. a few months ago she got 6 months in jail and has decided now that shes clean, to blow him up everyday trying to get him back. he doesnt answer the calls. ive had a small jealous streak to me over my adult life, but ive been working on it the past few years and i didnt have any issues with the prevalence of her in everyday things until one day, as his daughter was surfing his phone photos as usual, my daughter and her come acrossed nude pics of the ex. i didnt tell him my daughter told me about it, but told him to delete it and he insisted left and right that it didnt exist, called me jealous and insecure of the chick etc. after sitting back and just watching, it became appearant that she was the topoic of everyones conversation everyday and that she was still plastered all over his facebook and on all his accounts from gmail to netflix. were talking about pics of them kissing in his facebook top five's. i mean come on, youve a new girlfriend for a while now. everyday the kids would get on his phone and pull up pictures of her for him and them to conversate about. he vented to me about their marriage like i was a counselor, his mom would talk about her constantly, though never anything good, meanwhile shes still blowing his phone up everyday. he insisted over and over again that i look through his phone to prove himself, and when i finally cracked down and did, within seconds i was looking at videos of her screwing another chick, then out of anger went through the whole phone where i found a deleted drive folder filled with her nudes, 68 of them, a few other random topless pics in other folders, amoungst about 300 other normal pics of her. we about brokeup but he convinced me that he just forgot about them, 12 years accumulated a lot of things yet to be cleaned up, and that the videos of her tribbing and getting ate out was sent to him to hurt him back in the day, as he considers that to be cheating. despite that, its been a touchy topic. makes it hard to focus on her as a mother to her kids, though i wouldnt consider her a fit mother, but hearing the kids ask questions like "wheres moms birthmarks at" or "remember when you and mom did such and such" its been hard. especially since he told me that the kids used to do that until he finally gave in and took the chick back. i felt the kids just didnt want him to move on. his mom, whos on a pace maker for her heart, talks about the chick like shes satan. like shes gotten in her face and threatened to beat her up, and the lady is just so sweet. i guess the chick just walks up in her house and takes her phone to blow my boyfriend up, and they say they dont like her demanding controlling rages, yet they feed her and give in to keep the peace? they are hardcore pushovers. so is my boyfriend. the chick's dad was charged when she was 17 with having an insest relationship/rape with her. she still stays the night with him and he still spends time with the kids. she blows him up for drugs even. my boyfriend said he once suspected her dad was pimping her out but thought it was too far fetched. then i found the court transcript online with everything in it when his mom asks me to help them gather police reports of her drug use and prostitution etc for the divorce. he messed around with her in front of a 9 and 11 year old sibling. and it was on more than one occassion. i hate that guy and im really hating the chick at this point. i see no reason for them to co parent. and... i see no reason for him to not focus on a new partner who isnt like that. i started getting to be petty because it broke my trust. every time we talked about anything he referenced her. i could say "my hairline looks like this" and hed reply with my exes hairline was like different" he even went as far as to tell me "i like your boobs, im just not used to big boobs, i always prefered small boobs in the past" which of course shes small. he doesnt understand why that hurt my feelings. he says "why cant i just like both?"between all the cheating, drug use, busting out his windows, throwing him and the kids literally out on the street because they cant get her to go elsewhere when shes like that due to the fact that theyre married. she talks to walls and all the police reports say that the police agree she appears to be on drugs. that and the stuff with her dad and the videos i could barf. i figured he was victim in it all until i seen where he had videos of her screwing chicks and now its in my head that monogomy must not mean much to the guy and he was part in her ordeals at least as far as the lesbian parts of it. but... i will say it is a different guy who made the videos and im just trying to understand why he kept them. the one i seen last night was of her and another chick screwing a double sided dildo while some random guys hand holds it centered for them and talks to them. between the videos and the charges against her dad, i could barf sometimes over this stuff.other than that, he as a person is the best boyfriend i ever had. my life would have been everything ive ever looked for if i had the place of being the only chick for him. i feel like hes all mine otherwise and i know he dont want her back. hes practically built us a home and has busted ass to prove himself to me, even giving me his phone password. hes simingly a very faithful person, is all about a long term relationship and is very mellow. i dont understand why a guy like him was with a chick like that for so long and im just here to see if anyone can shed light on that. why would such a sweet loving caring, full time sober dad stay with someone like her for 12 years? it was off and on, but this is the first time hes moved on to a different chick. and why is she so mad at him about it? she sent him a letter from jail and included another letter the guy in the next pod over sent her about being in love with each other, same guy she trashed the house with after she threw him and their kids out, and yet shes still insisting hes her property, his mom lets her stalk him through there, the kid card gets played but ive yet to see it about the kids in any shape or form. in fact, who wants that around their kids? and why am i being called jealous and insecure because im tired of all of this? theres a lot of areas i have questions and so pick a part and give me advice please!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2019): I read it all and I'm sorry but the problem you have with her fundamentally is because your boyfriend clearly still has some tie to her. I dont agree that because she is the mother of his children it automatically means he will always feel a bond with her, I'm not saying it's not always the case but some exes hate each other with or without children. No he likes her bad girl behaviour and after so many years being with her it's become the norm, I doubt she wasnt like this when he first met her, it was probably one of the reasons he was drawn to her. To still have pics and videos of her, I just dont buy he simply forgot about them. As for her, she sounds like she has had a tough time in life and if your description of events is accurate she is a victim of abuse and has no clue how to act in a way that is not sexual. Personally I would feel sorry for her.Its up to you regarding your boyfriend but just seems to me he has a tie he doesn't want to completely cut and its naff all to do with the children that's obvious. So you can blame her all you like, truth is it takes two, so he is not Mr Innocent in this by a long shot.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2019): You sound like the type of person who wants stability, calm and a healthy future. The timing of you meeting this man was wrong. Sometimes as harsh as it is that’s the reality. You need to take your daughter and run for the hills, leave him and his ex to their toxic games that damage people - you will be the next one to suffer and you have the responsibility of your own child that should be more important than the responsibility of a grown man and his ex. Who knows, once you have put some distance, him and her may manage to sort out the relationship they are going to have in the future, but at the moment he is not yours to have until they do.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84  +, writes (20 September 2019):
I couldn't finish your drawn out story. It is clear that he is manipulating you into thinking his ex is the problem. Come on, he knew those pics and vids were in his phone. He saved them on the drive for gods sake. To enjoy? maybe. For you to take everything he says about her as gospel is quite niave of you. You have no place to shame her as a mother, ex or as a woman. You do not know their past relationship and frankly you should keep your nose out of it when it comes to him and their children.In my opinion, she sounds like a very wounded, confused and hurt woman who needs to get her life together.As for you. Why would you want to me in a relationship with a man like that? For you to say he is the best BF you've ever had tells me you've never had high expectations in men.You are being called insecure and jealous because that is how you are behaving. You are behaving this way because of what he tells you and the lies he has also told you.Save yourself from alot of grief and drama and dump him. He isn't a great specimen in any manner.If you want to stay with him then you need to make peace with his ex. Tell him to stop bad mouthing her to you and vice versa, her about you to him. It's immature and there are children in the middle of all this.and finally. Stop wondering why he was with her for 12 years because I'm thinking the same about you and I'm probably not the only one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2019): I didn't bother reading the long drawn-out story; because it's always the same story. You wrote all that to say what? That you still want to keep him anyway?
You have a daughter. What you do is setting an example for how she will deal with men. You're mature and experienced enough to know when a man is worth all the trouble; and when you're getting more drama than you're receiving love and happiness.
As usual, you painted this wonderful picture of how perfect and great he is. Yet look at all the crap you've got to put-up with to keep him.
Enjoy the drama! You'll decide to ditch him when you've had enough. Unfortunately, your daughter doesn't seem to have much of an great example to go by, should a similar situation come her way. She'll hold-on and suffer; while he plays the stupid-guy in the middle. Who has no control over anything, because he's got children.
Well, a divorcee with kids comes as a package. Ex-wife, baby-mama drama, and all! How did naked pics of her get in his phone? If your daughter found it, why wouldn't he?
Who's phone does it belong to? Kid's these days are often smarter than adults, I trust your daughter will talk some sense into you. She let you know, because she is witnessing all this nonsense firsthand, and she has already decided he's no-good. You're the only one not convinced!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 September 2019):
 So here is the short and not so sweet answer.
SHE is the mother of his 2 children and will ALWAYS be part of their lives, ONE way or another. Since they live with him, she will ALWAYS be part of HIS life too.
They have a sick and toxic relationship, married, split up or probably even when they are divorced.
SHE fulfill SOMETHING in his life that HE isn't willing to give up on.
WHY are you being called insecure and jealous? Because it's an EASY way to control you. He calls you insecure you will try your DAMNEDEST you show him JUST how secure you feel, how crazy you are about him, how great a GF you are. You will IGNORE red flags left and right (like you are now) and try to make it work.
OP, this isn't going to wok out as you hope. I GET that you feel this is ALL her doings, her drama and SHE is the issue, but in reality it's NOT just her. It's him too. His mom as well. She thrives on the drama and SO does he AND his mom.
I feel bad for those 2 kids. Seriously.
And I feel bad for YOUR kids, because they become part of drama they shouldn't HAVE to be part of. YOU are SACRIFICING your kids sense of safety and sanity at home to BE with this man. You are putting BEING with him above your kids.
Personally, I'd wish him well and GTFO.
I'd make my KIDS the focus on my life. NOT some dude who is having some toxic codependency with his WIFE (soon to be ex-wife).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2019): To be honest it’s none of your business what type of mother she is of what the state of their relationship was. Score you knew him . That is THEIR business and their family and will always be . I know it’s hard to accept but she IS and ALWAYS will be the mother of his children and for that reason will always hold a special place in his heart no matter what type of person she is . Sure you can set your own boundaries in terms of what is acceptable for you but complaining about her being jealous and passing judgements will only make you more of an outsiderMaking peace with the situation and with her sounds like the best possible way forward if you wish to continue the relationship
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