A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have got myself in a real dilemma and could really use some advice. I have been married for fourteen years and have three of the most beautiful children a woman could ask for but I never really loved my husband and got married for all the wrong reasons. I went into my marriage thinking that my love for him would grow over time but it never has. I care about him but I have never been "in Love" with him.the real problem started 5 months ago when I reconnected with my first love on Facebook...the one guy that I have always loved and always has had a piece of my heart (the reason I never could fall in love in love with my husband) well needless to say I have fallen back in love with my first love and I need help...I think about him all the time..I cant go a day without talking to him..I sneak around to spend time with him...my friends tell me I should just do what makes me happy..but I have these three children to think about..so my real question is should I stay in my marriage or should I step out and be with who makes me happy? I could really use some advice..I am torn into a million pieces :(
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 April 2013):
 OP thank you for your update. It’s very very hard to wonder about the “might have beens” but that’s all you have to go on…
I have to say that I get you totally. If you love your husband but are not “in love” with him, if you have a nice life with him, if he is not abusive and it’s “good” but not “great” perhaps now you can find a therapist to help you “let go” of the first love. The problem with first loves is you love the past, you love the fantasy of what might have been and not the reality of what it would have really been…
If life currently is OK but not passion filled and you are feeling cherished or unappreciated it, that can be fixed hopefully. Sometimes as adults we have to do what makes sense vs what we want. I want to eat cake every day… I can’t. it’s not good for me.
I think CMMP got it right… whatever you commit to that’s it…. So your update… committing to your spouse and your marriage… I like it. And I wish you luck… sometimes love is not enough and sometimes it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): Why not ask your husband if that is a good idea? I'm sure he wants you to be happy, and you should be happy.And how happy are you really, living a lie, sneaking out, cheating on your husband, being with a man who has no problem getting involved with a married women??? What an awesome roll model you are for your children! Reads like you have it all honey! All this time and effort for your temporary fix, but you've done nothing to work on your marriage...amazing. If you do not love this man and never have, then get divorced. Learn to love and respect yourself, raise your children and get all that figured out. THEN you seek a partner that you love and cherish. You can't possibly sort anything out when you are living the way you are. Down the road, when you figure out you are with this other guy for all the wrong reasons (the man you had an affair with while you were married to the father of your children), or he cheats on you, or realizes that you are not someone who can be trusted or faithful considering how you got together in the first place, you will either do the same thing again, or end up alone.You can give every excuse in the book, blame and try to validate your actions, but there is absolutely nothing to justify cheating on your spouse.I am being tough, but I would be this tough with my best friend if she was thinking like you are thinking and I would tell her the same things. Cheating is never the answer, or the solution. My hope is you will do the right thing and decide what is best for your happiness and well being, the right way... not the seemingly easy way. The right thing, may be the hardest way, but integrity, will only make you stronger.
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A
female
reader, HeresBoo  +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Thanks for the update, I urge you seek out counsel on your marriage whether you go as a couple or on your own.
I truly hope you find happiness and contentment :) and the same for your family
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the advice. :) I have decided that I am going to try to sever ties with my "first love" and focus my attention on taking care of my family. I feel so guilty about what I have done and hopefully I am able to mend what is broken and move on from this. I am just going to have to learn to be happy with what I have been blessed with and burn bridges and never look back...thanks again..it's not going to be easy but Im going to just take it one day at a time...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): I stepped out of my marriage for 4 years. I loved that man with all my heart. I had to make a decision was it him or my kids with my husband. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I decided to be with my kids and husband. For all who reads this I told my husband all the dirt. I am now back in my home I made a mistake. The other man still holds my heart and consumes my days of missing him. Love is hard to come by. Your husband deserves to be with someone who truly loves him. Not just of the kids.
Only you have to live with your decision just because you are not with your husband doesn't mean you don't love your kids and their well being.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): Why didn't you marry your first love? Is your husband a good man, how does he treat you, is he someone you trust? You have three kids to think about, how do you think this will affect them. How are you going to feel sharing them on holidays & weekends? What if taking on 3 kids to too much for this old flame? Before you risk throwing away your marriage & making major changes in your children's life, consider counseling.
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A
female
reader, queenadelaide  +, writes (25 April 2013):
IMO, leaving him and the children would be selfish.You decided to commit to this man knowing that you didn't love him. At the very least, you decided you could just about survive his company. You made the call that that was enough for you back then. You then brought three children into the world with him and now you want to upset their lives for what, someone you've had no contact with for 14 years?You need to stop the emotional affair immediately. Your husband does not deserve to be treated like this. Confess and *do something* spontaneous and exciting to hopefully bring you closer together and try and make this work. Go for a holiday with just you and him or something like that where you have no stress and you focus on each other. You owe that to your family.If your husband cannot forgive you. Or if you decide to leave, I hope you don't disrupt the children's lives any further by trying to take them with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Do you know how many FB affairs there have been, and how many have ended in complete abject failure??Its easy to glamorise an affair, its fun, exciting and FB makes it easy to reconnect with exes, but remember he was an ex! And why was he an ex, if he was the love of your life why arent you married to him now instead of your husband?Please don't be fooled by fantasies and start living in the real world. Yes, you and your husband definitely need counselling, but don't destroy a family for some silly fantasy. Maybe you and your husband are not right for each other, but please realise the FB affair is not helping matters.Sorry to be harsh, but your proclamations "hes the love of my life" make you sound like an immature teenager, rather than a grown wife and mother.Either way, good luck.
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A
female
reader, AmyDrakes +, writes (24 April 2013):
Leaving a unhappy marriage does not make you a bad person. Do what makes you happy. What if the husband you are with now,someone you were never destined to be with. Your first love isn't your first love to begin with without a reason.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (24 April 2013):
For one, you need to stop cheating. For two, IMO if you decide to have not one, not two, but yes three children with a man you claim you dont love, you have lost your ability to choose another man just because you think you love him more.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (24 April 2013):
 Of course you should leave your husband, you do not love him, so why stay? If you do go, your children should stay with their father because he has done nothing wrong and therefore he should not be separated from his children.
You sound a little obsessed with he man yu are cheating with...but who knows, it could all work out.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 April 2013):
For one, you should stop cheating.
You also need to recognize that your feelings for this guy are likely a fantasy based on years of fantasizing and wondering, followed by (what appears to be) a short time getting to know each other again.
Any decision you make here should be permanent. If you go with the fantasy, don't come crawling back to your husband when it's over. It's not fair to him, you, or the children.
If you stay with your husband, work on your relationship. Do things like go on dates, learn new things together, etc.
Know that if you leave your husband your children's happiness will depend on you to a large extent. If you treat their dad coldly it could change how they look at you forever. But kids are perfectly capable of being fine in a divorce. It's just up to the parents to make it that way.
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A
female
reader, HeresBoo +, writes (24 April 2013):
Well whatever you do, please do not cheat. I am currently going through my parents separating after one cheated and it's agony on the family, so something does need to be done here.
Maybe you should go to marriage counselling with your husband. A good marriage counsellor will not see their own success measured by your marriages success but will measure on both yours and your husbands happiness and achievement in reaching your own goals and doing what's best for you both, whether thats together or separately, and your children.
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