A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and i have been together for over 3 years, i am just finishing my final year of studying, we have had to go long distance for a couple of months whilst i complete. after i finish uni he wants me to move into his place, i miss him so much when i dont see him and i love him as he loves me but he earns a fair bit and im about to start looking for work and am unclear currently how long this will take but he says he can support me til i find employment but this makes me uncomfortable. currently he rents a flat and his friend is there too, trouble is, as much as i like staying there, i cannot actually see myself living there as it will always been my boyfriends place and never "ours" its something silly i know but he is quite particular about stuff and likes everything just so and i dont think i'll be able to ever feel like its my own home.its hard to explain, the trouble is is that his lease is up soon and he wants to extend it for another year, however, i dont know how to tell him that i dont want to live there as whenever i try and talk to him about things and the topic has come up he manages to insist o n me that his flat has everthing we need. yes it has a garage, parking, 2 bathrooms and a nice kitchen but from my point of view, it is not close to a station (which i will probably need given moost of the jobs in my field are located in the city, its very boyish a and i just dont feel at home there and would rather somewhere new where we could set up home in, this is always what i wanted rather than move in to his boy apartment. any suggestions on how i could explain this to him? i dont want to offend him and ive already tried to explain that i feel like its his but he doesnt seem to understand.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Not hard to understand at all. You sound like my husband. He does not like living in our current home because I owned it before him and I have had two previous husbands live in the home with me. He wants us to own OUR own home. I have agreed to sell the current home ( I don’t consider it MINE but he does) and move into a home that we both purchase.
And what you tell him is exactly what you told us… I don’t understand why my husband who has sunk thousands of dollars of his own money into what he considers my home does not consider it his home too but I respect his needs and wants and ideas because I love him and he’s my spouse.
Maybe you can compromise and live there for a year? Is it that he has a roommate? Will the roommate be leaving (I think he should) and if that happens, will you be allowed to decorate, to make it more your home too? IF so, I think a compromise is in order and you can live there for a bit and then plan to move later on.
A
female
reader, queenadelaide  +, writes (25 April 2013):
Have the conversation when you're both in a really good mood. Maybe he doesn't want to feel like he's whipped so he wants to hold on to the last piece of bachelorhood he has. Explain to him that you're happy to wait until he's ready to find a new place together before you live together. It is his place and he does like things just so after all doesn't he? Give him examples of when he hasn't been happy with you moving things around. And besides. A house is only a shell. If it really bugs you to feel like you're in his space, he shouldn't find it hard to find somewhere you can both start over. In any case, you're already relocating to be with him so it's only fair that he compromises as well.If that fails, show him this thread where 3rd parties give him an objective view.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Maybe tell him your fears as described in your post but be willing to compromise - ask him to sign a 6 month lease so you will both live there in the short term but start looking for places together. You can't blame him for liking his apartment so it is important to be sensitive and understanding about his feelings while putting your point across - you want 'our home' not 'my home'.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Just tell him what said you here.
OP it's not strange to want to feel "at home" where you live. I mean my house has a lot of "me" in it. My fiancée chose the decor for all our main rooms, running things by me of course but there is me everywhere too. My ornaments which she factored in, my pictures, my guitar in the corner of the front room, some of the art I had etc.
We shared an apartment before we bought our house and that was new, fresh apartment we gave up our old ones to move into. "Ours" You know? She didn't want to move into a bachelor pad, everything minimal, functional and bland and I didn't want to move into her princess palace either (it wasn't that bad really).
OP there's no reason to think he'll be offended, he may not be keen to leave his place but he will understand if you tell him you wouldn't feel right about imposing yourself and your things onto him and his roommate but that you really can't see yourself living in a place that doesn't feel like home.
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