A
female
age
36-40,
*rlamai
writes:Ok, I might bullet this to make it clearerI am 23, Female, been with my boyfriend for two and a half yearsWe live and work together in a pub and I am currently finishing my degreeHe has broken up with me 22 times since we first got together, 5 times during my finals (breaking up with me would also mean me losing my job and home-stressful)The reasons for him breaking up with me range from not buying him a chinese whilst he was at work, going out with my friends too much and staying in too much.The last time he did this (the day of my final hand-in), I said 'ok, lets break up'Since, he has been trying his hardest to get me back by doing all the things that I have ever wanted in a boyfriend. He read my thesis (he didn't even know the title before then, something I had been working on for three months) he gives me affection, cooks me dinner - the whole nine yards. He has also admitted his faults in the relationship (he never has before, everything had been my fault) and has also admitted that all those times he has broken up with me were to ensure that I 'understood his point of view.' He had never actually meant it.So my question is this; should I stay in a relationship that has ended more times than I can count in the hope that he has seen the light and will never break up with me on a whim again or leave and move in with my best friend in a different city and walk in to a job my other friend is holding open for me?This probably seems obvious, but I am very much in love with this man.... any advice on how to stay strong and leave or compromise and stay would be very helpful.Thank you
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female
reader, arlamai +, writes (20 May 2010):
arlamai is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to everyone who responded!! It has been very difficult but I am now ready to end it thanks to all your advice!! Tonight I got called a 'dickhead' for opening up a bag of his sweets and told to 'fuck off' for picking up his ipod. So yeah, it's over.
Thank you all so much
x
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (14 May 2010):
 One break-up every month? If you had a car that reliable, how long before it would end up on the scrapheap?
This isn't a relationship, it is a yo-yo.
But of course, it is also safe. Lots of drama but it is all on him. With him, you don't need to worry about how you feel. Why are you REALLY staying with him? Being with someone who doesn't commit is handy if you don't want to commit yourself isn't it?
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (14 May 2010):
 Finish your degree finals and get that period of your life over and done with as priority number one. Once you graduate then you should leave him. He doesn't care about you if he messes you around 22 times, but he is not the problem here - the problem is that you have allowed him to ditch you 22 times over trivial, selfish reasons and keep coming back. Imagine a few years down the line, you have children with him and he is threatening to leave the whole family ever other week just because you haven't responded to his latest demands.
It is time to stand up for your right to be happy and financially independent. He sounds very immature and is now 'pleasing' you until the novelty of that wears off and it will be back to fighting again. Being single has got to be better than living with a walking time-bomb. Find a flat with other girl's of your age and go out and have some post-degree fun. You can get a job with your qualifications and forget about him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 May 2010):
 Wow. Why are you still together ? He is like a 3 year old throwing fits ( aka breaking up with you) every-time he doesn't get what he wants..Who wants to date a 3 year old?
You really think he will EVER change that pattern? YOU are enabling this behavior by staying. Obviously you get something out of this deal or you wouldn't still be there 22 break up later...................
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A
female
reader, xxsecretsxx +, writes (14 May 2010):
 Honestly I couldn't trust a man that drops me at the tip of a hat. It seems like he has serious commitment issues and the second he realizes that you are a key point in his life he comes crawling back to you.
I rarely give more than a second chance when it comes to trusting someone to stay in a committed relationship. I guess it boils down to...
Would you trust him to be at the alter if you get married?
Would he split if you become pregnant?
What if the going gets tougher?
And lastly, Do you really trust him?
I can't answer those questions for you, but it seems like your an intelligent woman who truly cares for him. Does he care about you enough to help you be happy in life? or is he dragging you down, sweetheart?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2010):
 He has picked up a pattern of breaking up with you at the slightest "provocation "so that he can make his point and ,in a sense, teach you a lesson.
Now you should move to your new job and teach him a valuable lesson ,which is : always say what you mean,and mean what you say.He should not pretend to break up with you ,causing you unnecessary anxiety and distress, to frighten you into doing all he wants.
I don't believe in revenge but I believe in preserving my peace of mind- what about you ?
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female
reader, lovevivi +, writes (14 May 2010):
 The answer may not be all that obvious to someone who is, as you say,"in love" so don't sweat it. I'm gonna rationalize with you on this one in hopes that you feel the same way, but in no way should you do what I say o go against what I say on a whim. After all, you know what it's like for things to be done on a whim, no fun.
"He has broken up with me 22 times since we first got together, 5 times during my finals
Inconsiderate much? I know that people focus more on themselves but if he knew you had finals, at least one of those FIVE times, he'd probably realize, "Hey, as much as I want to get out, I can simply avoid this relationship until after something fairly important as finals for a student." That'd be KIND OF really nice. And, 22 times? Sounds like someone can't make up his mind. And, please don't take offense, but neither can you if you took him back all 22 times. Maybe everyone just needs some time to think about it. Did you two try having like at least a 2 week seperation period to see how life would be WITHOUT the drama?
"...(breaking up with me would also mean me losing my job and home-stressful)"
ok so you said move in with a friend, and another friend has a job open for you. Technically, you would not LOSE a home and job, simply exhange it for another one. So long as you've got a roof over your head, hold a job in this economy, and not starve, I think you're in good shape =) Besides, friend bonding time anyone?
"The reasons for him breaking up with me range from not buying him a chinese whilst he was at work, going out with my friends too much and staying in too much."
Not getting food for him, assuming he didn't starve to near death, shouldn't get his tail feathers ruffled. "I'm SORRY you didn't have food ready at your bidding this instant. My gosh, life must be HORRIBLE." Notice the dripping sarcasm. Anyways, if he's broken up with you over such a trivial reason, it sounds like he's quick on the draw and doesn't think before he speaks or acts. Can you imagine getting married to him and one day waking up to: "You didn't wash the dishes last night. I want a divorce because you're a horrible wife."
Going out with friends too much? Did you go out for 5 nights a week, every week? This depends on how much YOU feel is too much too, not just how many nights HE feels is too much. Some people are more independent than others and perhaps he is too clingy or you are too independent. However, if you two have clashing opinions on how many nights is too many, either compromise or break it off (as this is an indicator of lack of negotiation in a relationship, again, marriage depends on this kind of thing) but DON'T break it off and then get back together. The problem is still there, after taking a 5 second breather, it doesn't magically disappear.
As for staying in too much, ^ see above but replace too many nights will too few nights. Now you know that he's not only brash and not willing to compromise, but he's also contridictory! What a catch. Simply consider marriage and how well this would work out for bigger issues, like money management, kids or no kids, RAISING kids if you decide to have any, pets even?
"The last time he did this (the day of my final hand-in), I said 'ok, lets break up'"
Clearly, some part of you already screams "I'm sick at tired of this!" You even posted a question here, which means that subconciously you may be ready to walk out of there. May I advise that you run out? Despite how hard it is, it would be healthier for you to just end it for good, not for the 23rd time and then come back for a 24th. This relationship is toxic. For 2.5 years you've had to endure this. Think about doing this for the next 25, 50, 75 years of your life. Are you up to that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): I know what you mean. I too have stayed with a man out of love, that any sane person would have left a long time ago. It seems like this guy is playing games with you. He breaks up with you again and again, because he knows you'll come back when he wants you to. Same thing has happened to me. Put your foot down. Have a long honest talk. Tell him your not going to do it anymore and if he breaks up with you again that it will be the last time. Or maybe the best thing is to leave, to let him know your serious. Make him chase you instead of the other way around.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): Maybe ask him how he is going to make sure you understand his point of view next time, without breaking up?
And the next time he breaks up, it should be over.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): Him "breaking up with you" just so you can understand his point of view is about as manipulative as you can get. You mention he has "never meant it" so technically he hasn't broken up with your, right?
Either way, after reading your question, my only thought is WHY are you still with this guy??
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