A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm married to an older man who I don't love, and probably never have. He kept throwing perks in my face and I took the bait. Now eight years later and a three year old I find myself depressed and wanting out. I sometimes feel like I'de rather be dead than go another day with this man whom I have nothing in common with other than a child. He's a great father to the child but a horrible husband and he knows it. He just says that's the way he is and does nothing to improve for the sake of us. I've tried everything I can possibly think of to make us work, but I am miserable! Told him I needed space time to think, he left for a few hours and came back saying ok we can work this out. Still...nothing. No changes. What should I do? stay for child and lose my sanity or go?
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female
reader, bluesteel +, writes (18 September 2009):
Thanks so much for those who answered my question. Sometimes it justs helps to get others opinions. Thank you thank you thank you!!
A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (17 September 2009):
 My mother's parents stayed together because of her. She feels very bad about this, and as an adult, she wishes they would have divorced and found happiness with other people. You can try the traditional routes of therapy etc. but if he doesn't change then I feel you owe it yourself to find your own happiness. A child will sense the tension between you two and the negative effects will happen. Understand that you will put your child through emotional turmoil if you divorce, but you can be a much better mother if you are happy in your own life as opposed to being strangled emotionally in a relationship. In this day and age, divorce is not uncommon. The stigma associated with being a child of divorced parents is not as bad as it used to be. This doesn't mean the child will not feel the effects of divorce, just that it will be easier for them to cope with the reality. When your child has matured, surely they will want what is best for you. My mother has a tremendous amount of guilt associated with her relationship with her parents. Best of Luck
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A
male
reader, EN_Ken  +, writes (17 September 2009):
A child learns what it is to love by observing the relationship of his or her parents.
If you stay and remain miserable, that is what your child will learn and come to think of as the "normal" dynamic of a relationship. If you do not think things will get better, then it is best to leave, both for your sake and your child's.
If you choose to stay and work on the relationship, then it's time to get some couples counselling or something similar because, if you are serious about changing, something in the relationship will have to change. You simply cannot say "This time it will be different" simply because you want it to be. Actual, observable changes must take place in both how you and your husband are behaving, and in the environment that in which you live.
-Ken Phillips
http://www.franktalks.com
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (17 September 2009):
 I won't tell you to "do this" or "do that". Your decision has to be yours alone, but you could GO for the sake of the child.
Children should be taught about how to pursue happiness. They can learn that their parents love them and that when parents split up and don't love each other anymore, it has nothing to do with how they feel about the child.
Children can grow up happy and well adjusted in families that are divorced, if both parents work to ensure that they do.
If my daughter were in your shoes I would want to know I had raised her to be strong enough to stand on her own and that she had a responsibility to herself and her children to be happy.
So, if I were in your shoes (and once I wore similar shoes if not identical) I would expect myself to lead by example.
It is not an easy road, but it can be very rewarding.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (17 September 2009):
 Honestly, if you stay JUST for the child, you're not helping the child as much as you think. You'd be raising the kid in a whole family instead of growing up knowing that Mom and Dad broke up, but the kid will forever have trouble understanding how a husband and wire are supposed to treat each other. Children imitate their parents, even into their adult lives.
If a kid's mom is beaten by the kid's dad, that child has a good chance to either beat or be beaten by a spouse later in life and not realize how wrong it is. If the kid grows up in a loveless home, the kid will never really understand what marriage is supposed to be like, and will in all likelihood end up with a spouse posting on a board like this one.
Divorce is messy, painful, awkward, and in no means advisable most of the time. But you should never stay in one JUST for the kid. You'll come to resent that child in the end, and trust me the kid will know it.
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