A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months, and have a great relationship. However, I feel like a fraud... he tells me that everything about me is beautiful, and I feel ugly and empty inside. He thinks I'm beautiful and he loves me, but only because he doesn't know the things I've done. Last year I was a struggling student, supporting myself completely. I was broke, couldn't pay rent, and couldn't find a job. I applied to all sorts of places and have a decent amount of experience but couldn't find work in my area. With each bill looming I became extremely depressed and desperate, and I had no one to turn to. I was on food stamps at that point, and felt ashamed. At my lowest point, I had sex with a man for $1000. I did it again the following month for $500 with a different man. I am so ashamed now, but at the time I completely disconnected from the situation and in a way detached from my own reality. After I got a job I just wanted to forget it ever happened, but I didn't realize that it'd be haunting me still. I want to tell my boyfriend, but I don't know if I should... I think he'd be disgusted and would see me as a completely different person if he knew. I've done some bad things, but I'm a good person at heart with a lot of compassion. However sometimes even I don't think I deserve to be loved, and I don't think it's possible for a man to love me knowing the things I've done. I'm sorry for rambling, but it feels good to write it all down having been in denial about it for so long. I guess my question is, should I tell my boyfriend? I think it could help me begin to love and respect myself again knowing that he accepted me for who I am and everything I've done. At the same time it could completely devastate me. By simply existing I feel like I am lying to everyone around me. This secret makes me feel like no one can ever really know me. Men, what would your reaction be if your girl you loved revealed a completely unexpected secret like this? Have any of you held a secret so dark that you were afraid to tell the one you loved?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all of your thoughtful answers and advice. It really put things in perspective for me, and gave me the courage to tell him. He was so kind and understanding, and it has only made us closer. I'm very lucky to have someone so wonderful in my life. Thanks again for your time and advice, I feel so relieved right now!
A
female
reader, Deeintrouble  +, writes (18 May 2012):
 Before telling him you should really think about the consequence. If you know he truly loves you no matter what, it would be good to get if off your chest... but if you have doubts, the past is the past; just move forward with your life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): all I know is that if you tell him he WILL bring it up when you have an arguement-and then you will really feel like crap
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male
reader, MrMcgalliard +, writes (16 May 2012):
i dont think you should tell him but if you do decide to, do it immediately, dont wait months and years down the line thats just going to make it more intimidating for him...but yeah i wouldnt take it very well if i was him...if i were you id just forget about and move on, we've all done things we're not proud of
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): Everyone has a past.
Sadly not everyone see's it that way,
I believe it be best that YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF and move on.
He might be the type that do look at you differently.
You did this before dating him, it is a past which should remain there. Do not bring it to the present or it will become the future.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 May 2012):
 Everybody who's scared of Little Monster's avatar raise your hand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): It doesn't have to be that you had sex for money, the guys knew your situation and gave you the money to help you out.
So What? No big deal...women does this all the time..these are some of the things that happens at a younger age....
Where can I find these guys!!!!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 May 2012):
I think this calls for professional therapy. You are struggling with this and a therapist can help you. Once your self-esteem is back in shape you can decide whether you need him to know or not. I think you are just too vulnerable at this point to make that decision.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 I have secrets too. Dark ones that I don't want to tell. Not the same sort of thing you did, mine is worse in my own opinion. What you did caused suffering onto yourself only. There are many types of things you can do that cause pain and suffering for OTHERS, which in my book is much worse. Take alcoholics. Or gaming addicts. Or domestic violence. All that cause pain on others, and not just on one individual. What you did only caused pain to yourself, and it didn't harm anyone else.
I don't think you should feel a need to tell him. You don't feel that you deserve his love because YOU look down on your own actions. If you start to love yourself, forgive yourself, and accept what you did, then you will also allow him to love you without feeling like a fraud. So this all comes down to whether you accept yourself or not, and whether you allow others to love you or not.
Even if you tell him it will not make you feel much better about it. Even if he accepts you and loves you while knowing what you did.. well, as long as you look down upon yourself you will still continue to feel that you do not deserve it.
The guilt is something you are placing upon yourself, not something someone else is putting on you. And as such, the guilt will not disappear even if you tell your boyfriend. And.. well, what would be the point then? You will feel miserable still, and he can't help you feel better.
Try to accept what you did as a part of your life experience. It doesn't make you a horrible person, and it doesn't mean you don't deserve love. Maybe some day I will tell my secret to a man I love. But I haven't yet. It comes down to what the point would be really. There is no point in telling, because this sort of guilt comes from within yourself, and if you want to be a better person then that also starts within yourself. Telling him wont make YOU a better person, nor will it take away your guilt. When the time is right, if such a time arrives, you can tell, if you are ready. But until then work on yourself from the inside first.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): Don't punish yourself, you're not a bad person at all. Everyone does things that they have regretted, doesn't make them a bad person.Would it make you feel better about yourself if you simply had sex for free with two strangers? Many people do that (casual one night stands, drunken hook ups) and far more often, and with consequences like STDs or pregnancies. What you did does not compare. So what if money exchanged hands - you were desperate, and there were no physical consequences so no one got hurt. The only consequences are all in your head. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You were two consenting adults. There is nothing morally wrong with what you did. You did not hurt anyone, and you did what you had to do given the circumstances.As for whether to tell your boyfriend...I would say that you should only tell him IF and after you have learned to forgive yourself. Since you're not at that stage yet, I say don't tell him. Learn to forgive yourself first, then tell him. Why would you tell him then, why not now?I believe that self-disclosure is healthy in a relationship because it allows us to be our true authentic selves. If you have a deep dark secret (to you it's dark), and you're keeping it from your partner, your shame will probably affect the way you relate to him and get in the way of building intimacy. But at the same time, disclosure can have consequences - he may not be able to accept it and may choose to end the relationship. If you're still blaming yourself and feeling worthless when that happens, then it will only plunge you even deeper into your toxic (and unwarranted) shame and reinforce it. But if you have learned to forgive yourself, and you disclosed to him, and he was unable to accept it and left you, then you would be affected differently. There will still be the pain as with any break up, but you will be approaching it from a position of strength knowing that the relationship just wasn't meant to be if he could not accept you. It would be irreconcilable differences, like if you had different religions for example. It woudlnt' be an indictment on your self worth (which is what a breakup following disclosure would feel like right now), rather it would be incompatibility. It would not devastate your intrinsic self esteem as much. That said, it's also possible that he will be able to accept it. And if so, then your relationship will be that much stronger if you're not forever carrying around a secret our of fear of what would happen if it got out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): He just might have a secret he wants to tell you, if I had been in your situation I would have done the same, sometimes we have to do what we gotta do, you sound like a very nice person and did something that you are struggling with big time and you want to be trueful and honest with the guy you truely love and it sounds like you want to tell him so you can let it go and be free of your consciences, not that you owe him an explaination of your pass,you're doing it for yourself.
Well... You've only been in this relationship for only six months and if you're planning on being with him for a long time or marrying then I would tell him now than to wait six years and its still bothering you, it's in your heart to tell him, sometimes a long time secret can ruin a relationship.
I would start by going to him and ask him if he has ever done anything he thought was bad and go from there.
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reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 I wouldn't tell him. It may unburden you somewhat if he accepts you afterwards... but its gonna whack that burden onto him no matter how it plays out. You can't predict how wildly knowing something like this can affect a guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): I hear what you're saying. We all make mistakes and we all deserve to be forgiven as long as we are genuinely remorseful. I have done some things I regret in the past. But as they say...Never let the past hurt you. But never forget what it's taught you.
But back to your question...Should I tell him about it? Yes. Be careful how to say it and pick the right moment. Probably the best time to tell him is if he is relaxed and calm. Maybe if he has had a few beers and is in a relaxed mood.
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female
reader, Gorgeousgal  +, writes (14 May 2012):
The good news is that at least you're not cheap, though $500 was getting a little low :) It's very obvious that you feel very bad about it, you have compromised your own integrity and your own principles, that's why you feel so bad. It's your relationship with yourself that is the issue here, not your relationship with any man. So the clue here is, to build your relationship with yourself up. It's done, it's over, it can't be undone and "confessing"about it it just going to add more pressure. You presumably were single at the time, so owe no explanation to anyone. However, if your man ever asked you about it, that would be the time to be upfront with him about it, but not in a guilty, apologetic way, only in an honest, matter of fact and truthful about how it made you feel way. You could try counselling if it's really getting to you, or you could just "bury" it, and promise yourself that in future a great girl like yourself will never compromise again....you are smart enough and clever enough to figure things out other ways. Promise yourself that you are going to have a happy life, with a man who loves and respects you, and always remember.......you were not cheqp! :) oh and don't forget to always look your gorgeousest :)
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 YouWish said it better than I ever can! Do NOT tell this guy anything because your past is your past and as long as you are free from STDs' and there are no children involved, he doesnt need to know.
You havent done anything horribly immoral or wrong; you were in need of money and you slept with a man. You are NOT a bad person, you did it in desperate circumstances and you regret it now. People who are in FWB situations are on a far more wobbly ground than you.
OP all of us have done things in the past that we are ashamed of, to some extent. That doesn't make us all bad people. The past is gone, leave it there. Don't drag it and make your present a living hell, its SO not worth it. Come on, think rationally, you know you are not a bad person, you know this was just a desperate move which will never happen again, how does it even matter in the larger scheme of things? Stop being so hard on yourself.
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reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 I have to agree wholeheartedly with YouWish. If he's not exposed to any diseases and there are no children in the picture, then there is no reason to tell him.
I especially agree with this statement; 'You had sex twice with two strangers, something many guys have done without a second thought.'
You are not a phoney. You are the same person you were before. Your philosophy, your interests, your friends, and everything else that makes you YOU. If you had dimples before, you have them now. If red was your favourite colour before it probably still is now. You have a couple of regrets. That's it. Most of us do.
What you did is not the worst thing in the world. You, at least, you were smart enough to get something out of it. Many women allow themselves to be used over and over again and end up with much less.
I see no reason to tell him. He is not entitled to know. You're not a used car whose mileage and accident history has to be declared at time of purchase.
This reallly isn't so much about what he might think of you but of what YOU think of you. And I believe you're being too hard on yourself.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 May 2012):
 I will tell you this, and I know you're wrestling with it inside, but I couldn't be any more ardent and fervent in my opinion about this:
If you've been tested for STD's and came out clean, and there are no children from these encounters, then I think you should not tell him. This past was before his time. You have never lied about it. You could have had a one night stand for free for all it matters, like so many other women out there.
You were desperate, and you made a decision that you regret. People declare bankruptcy and deal with the same feelings of despondency. You are not a fraud and never will be.
I think you can't lie to the guy, but neither is he entitled to a full and sordid history of your past before him which didn't have and never will have anything to do with him. You did something out of desperation. You had sex twice with two strangers, something many guys have done without a second thought. You could have had a 5 months FWB no-strings attached relationship. The fact that you were paid doesn't and never will make you a fraud. You are not a whore. You are not a prostitute. You didn't make it a regular business. You did something you thought you had to do, and you learned something about yourself...that that life isn't for you, and that you can't just give yourself away for money without thinking about it.
I find no reason to tell him. You didn't cheat on him. If you're sure you're 1000% disease free, then it's over, done, and in the past. You did nothing wrong.
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