A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts,I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 18 months now. We met online on facebook and started it out by being friends. I know it kinda makes no sense coz we live a world apart and never seen each other in person before. But anyway it is quite complicated what I'm dealing now. My boyfriend used to tell me that he wanted to come and visit me and a few months after we started dating he changed his mind instead he asked me to come to him. I was being unemployed at the moment and was wondering if that was a great idea since I'd be meeting him in person but when I tried to talk to my parents about it they got concerned and gave their disagreements. My father even asked me to stop seeing this guy. It teared me deep down but I didn't stop talking to him. Well, a year passed by, he still asks me to come be with him. Now I'm working with the government and according to the job contract, I have to fulfill my position at least 5 years or else I will have to pay for the penalty if I leave my job before 5 years. That's a huge decision I'm going to make there if I have to leave this job, besides I will really disappoint my parents because they were really glad when I got this job. I tried to talk about it to my boyfriend, yet he said that I should be the one having a say in making the decisions. Well he also said that he'd come in September and sweep me off bring back home with him which is something that somehow bothers me. I start to think that he doesn't want to meet my family and know each other more in persons. I don't understand why he's acting like this. Probably due to the language problems, coz my parents don't talk the same language with him but it shouldn't be the problem. I just don't understand how to behave now. He is a nice guy and I don't wanna lose him either. Please aunts, any advices are greatly appreciated. Thank you very much.
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male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (29 June 2011):
 The cold hard fact is that women are raped and murdered every day by men they thought were nice, men who could speak and write well. Men who know that when they get to that place inside a women that is not concerned with logic, or common sense, they have them hooked. The place where "love" is enough to abandon all the normal cautions.
All you have to measure the true nature of this guy are the facts about his situation. Throw aside everything he has SAID or WRITTEN to you, and make a list of what you actually KNOW about this guy.
If I told you that I have lied to others, but would never lie to you, what does that really mean?
If I told you I have stolen from others, but would never steal from you, what does that mean?
Consider the following two points:
1) If you had a sister, or if your mother was single for some reason, say they revealed to you that they had met a man on the internet, from another country, that they had never met in person, and were in love with this person. And that after a time of communication this person revealed that they had been convicted of fraud and spent time in prison. This person also at first claimed to have a job, but upon further communication admitted that he in fact did not have the job he had previously claimed.
What would you say to your sister or mother? How would you advise them? Would you be concerned for not only their relationship status, but even their well-being and state of mind?
2) If you received an e-mail from a guy you had never met, from another country, and he told you that he had been to prison for fraud, didn't really have a job, but wanted you to move to his country and ignore any please from your family to the contrary, how would you respond?
But, you may say, you have gotten to know him and it is not like that. If the above scenario were to take place, you would almost certainly not even answer the e-mail, right? So, what is different? You have gotten to know him. The problem is, anything you have gotten to "know" about him is from his own words or mouth. And you already know that he is very much capable of not telling the truth (to put it nicely).
Ultimately, the reason why you have chosen to ignore the fact that this guy is a liar and fraud is because he has told you that he is being honest and genuine. This would be like having a 40-year-old man dressed in a clown suit telling you that he promises he has started acting like an adult. COME ON!!! He is making this easy for you!
Another consideration is that, as a convicted criminal of such a serious crime, he will have a very hard time getting a good job. But I don't know why his job prospects really even matter when you should never even get to that question. You should not be with this guy period.
Once he has you cornered, be it where you live or where he lives, it is going to be extremely difficult for you to get away. He will have plenty of reasons for why he can't find a job, can't support himself, and NEEDS you. He has already manipulated you to this degree, it can't be that hard to manipulate you further.
Walk away from this guy while you still can. You can leave it without any damage being done. You don't owe him anything, he is a grown man. Find the strength to at least see that you are not to blame for anything.
"He said he just quitted his job and he currently he's doing some business to make money. Well it's one more thing to be considered. Other than that, he made me feel bad by tellin' me that I have fooled him by telling him that I might not go against my parents, it's like I crushed his dream of being with me into pieces."
This is a clear example of manipulation and deception. What the hell does it mean that he is "doing some business to make money". That is laughable. That is not even a decent attempt to throw some BS against the wall and see if it sticks. That is seriously a joke.
How did you "fool" him by telling him that you are conflicted about whether or not to ignore your parent's concerns? You have known your parents your entire life, why wouldn't you have reservations?
***The fact that he is pressuring you to ignore your parent's concerns, or to make several life-changing decisions against their wishes, should be all you need to know to walk away from this guy. This speaks volumes about who this guy really is, and what his intentions really are.***
So he has a dream of being with you? That will complete his life? That is the basis for all hope I am guessing? Then get a freaking job, do whatever your parents ask to put them at ease, accommodate your job and situation in whatever way is necessary to make you comfortable.
If you read between the lines here, you can see what is really happening. There is the matter of who flies to see who and who's job will be better served by staying or moving.
In reality, there is only one option: You fly to see him and stay, and figure out the job situation later (although he is certainly hoping you are able to get a well-paying job).
He doesn't have a job, that much is clear. He seems to have no money whatsoever, so he won't buy a ticket to come see you as he couldn't even afford to fly back. Because it is safe to doubt that he ever had a job, and his criminal background will make it hard for him to get anything but a lower-level job at first, it will be YOUR JOB to pay the bills!!!
WWWD (What Would Wheeler Do)
Just. Walk. Away.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 June 2011):
 I don't think you'll have to do anything, to me this is just more bullshit and drama to keep you hooked.
He is unemployed and has no money. He is on probation, which means he'll have to report regularly to his probation officer. How many chances are there that he is actually coming ?
Regardless of that, he sounds like a shady character , and regardless of that, how do you know if you'd have even half a chance to make a decent living in the country where you'd go ? .
You'd be much smarter to simply move on...
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 June 2011):
 hi,
No matter how much emotional energy you have invested into the relationship you are face with:
A convicted criminal - wouldn't you feel safer with a law abiding guy?
A guy on probation - wouldn't you feel better with a guy who lives so responsibly he will never be on probation?
A guy who has lied to you - wouldn't you feel more able to trust and respect an honorable guy who tells the truth.
A guy who has no money, welfare as income and borrows money from you - wouldn't a guy with his future secure, good education and good job?
And the list goes on.
And the father of your children - everything is pointing to this convicted felon on probation with no job as NOT being the best choice as the father of your children
And yet still you so desperately want to trust him. Why? When you really can do so much better.
Say NO to this troubled guy, for your own self preservation.
This guy is in NO position to offer you any security.
This guy has tried to exclude your parents.
This guy troubled you earlier over his lies. And still he keeps trying to Reel you In.
Your parents must be feeling quite broken hearted, even if they try not to show it, that their beloved daughter is intent on continuing this doomed relationship with this convicted criminal on probation, with no job.
Why does he need to find a girl far far far away, if he is such a good catch?
There are guys could could not get a date in their home town, because the local girls are aware that the guy is a dangerous loser. Hence they start trying to look far far away, where it will be easier to hide their MANY shortcomings.
Lose this guy and Get your Life Back.
Or Keep this guy and potentially lose so much?
Time to move on.
Time to say NO to this guy, and really mean it this time.
You have already wasted far too much time with this LOSER
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe texted me and said that he made a life changing decision and would come to see me. He said he was tired of waiting for me to come. What should I do now? Should I give him a chance to meet in person or just go with the alarms and decide not to?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 June 2011):
Unemployed ? probation ? fraud ? does not want to talk about money ?" love is all you need " ?.....
And you are still wondering what should you do ?...
The noise of alarm bells ringing is deafening, what more does it take for you to hear ?...
Also ,I find surprising that a girl with your level of education could be so casual and carefree about career choices. Like, sure , maybe if you'd come here in Italy to be a pharmacist you'd earn more, only you could not , they would not let you do your job before you get equiparation of your credentials, and inscription to the pharmacists professional registry, which could take years of time and tons of cash to obtain.
I don't know where you are planning to go, but in general it's not enough to just show up and say : hi, I am a pharmacist, hi I am a surgeon. There are immigrations laws to comply with , first of all, and professional standards to meet, and the rules and regulations are different for each country , but nearly nowhere your immission in the job market is instant and authomatic.
Chances are, you'd end up with having to accept some menial, off the books job very below your qualifications, and using your hard earned money ...to support and feed this shady "businessman ".
And, while you are looking for a job, who would support you, if this guy has not even got the money for a round trip flight ticket ?... You would have to use up your savings. And when they are over ?....
Also, if he knew he was on probation, he knew he could not leave his country- so why has he been promising you for months a visit that could not happen ?
Be careful, watch your step. You sound dangerously naive, and so invested in this romantic fantasy to not even care about what could happen to you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 June 2011):
Wheeler's advice is right on the money (pun intended).
He's been in jail? He's on probation? The red flags are now Flashing Neon Red Lights.
Manipulators and Confidence Trickster Criminals are always the most Charming LIARS who know how to say all the convincing things to get your support.
Yes money is a Normal thing for couples to discuss.
And Yes this guy now sounds like Big Trouble to me.
I just thought of something - his travel is no doubt restricted by his Probation. If he is on Probation he has to report regularly to his Probation Officer.
I think you can do much better than this guy, and closer to home.
Do you really need a convicted criminal as a boy friend?
Be very very kind to YOU.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (26 June 2011):
Wow, well you couldn't really have any stronger indications that you should end this relationship and not look back.
He has probably told you 5% of the truth, and if that even includes prison time for fraud then what else do you need as proof!?
And now he lost his job? Sounds like he needs someone to trap. He would probably be the nicest guy in the world if you went to see him. Convince you to stay and get a job. Give a lot of reasons for why he is unemployed (as you support him), until he has you so trapped and confused that you are seriously in a bad situation.
Many people who spend a lot of time in prison become very accomplished at manipulation and lying. And they also go after people who can provide and support them like heat-seeking missiles.
You have very good reason to be very suspicious of anything he has told you. Do a background check!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I shouldn't let my guard down. In the beginning he used to tell me all the time that he couldn't wait to come here and meet me in person, it was when I was still working at a pharmacy. I quitted the job due to some issues and then there he started convincing me to come to be with him because a pharmacist makes a lot more money there. And he's been doing that ever since. He said I shouldn't bring all the financial stuffs in our conversation because he said what it takes to work on a relationship is love alone, but I have heard the thing that you need to be sure that the guy you are with is a genuine guy who would do something respectful to show his love, in this case I somehow feel he's not showing any respect toward my parents. What should I do? I have my doubts, and it doesn't feel right at all. To add more, he once were prisoned (ok this sounds horrible) and was committed fraud when he was around his 20s. And currently he's paying for his probation. But in some things he's a caring guy and he proved me that many times. Now I'm in doubt about what to do with him.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 June 2011):
be careful of him, he is probably only thinking of buying a ONE way ticket, not a return, this guy is starting sound like a phoney and very scary. In these situations the guy comes to visit the girl. It is the proper way to do it.
No way do you go ALONE to see him. This is too risky.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 June 2011):
From every angle this does not work. He's telling you he unemployed with some airy-fairy ''business'' he's just started to bring in money. And that would be? He is way too vague.
I think you are right to bring in these important issues. He should be proud to explain himself. Instead he wants your parents excluded from everything.
If he was genuine he would want to impress your parents. Even if he needed an interpreter, if he was genuine, he would want to assure your parents of his credentials. The guy needs to be respectful of your parents, but for them you would not be here. Not wanting to talk financials is a red flag.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for suggesting me to see things from different point of view. Yesterday we had a serious talk about this matter and I tried to bring up financial matters into our conversation. The way he reacted somehow bothers me, he said that it should be nice if I'm the one come to be with him that way he could save money to buy the ticket for me ALONE (he said he'd be the one who would pay for the ticket), rather than to spend money for his ticket to come here and visit me, stay for a couple weeks and if things work out he'd bring me home with him. I kinda feel he tried to get rid of my parents, probably because my parents don't speak his language (or probably there might be some other reasons he don't want to talk about). He also insisted that I should be able to make decision on my own, I should put aside what my parents said about it. The fact that none has made the first step visiting each other is the fact that the only person who would make the move is ME! It's like there is no way he would come here and make the move first all because he said that I could make a better living there. He said he just quitted his job and he currently he's doing some business to make money. Well it's one more thing to be considered. Other than that, he made me feel bad by tellin' me that I have fooled him by telling him that I might not go against my parents, it's like I crushed his dream of being with me into pieces. Abella is right, I should have never let him take me away from my parents. What to do in this situation, is something I have dwelled with nights and days now.
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A
female
reader, hopeFUL_romantic_13  +, writes (25 June 2011):
"Well he said he'd come in September and sweep me off bring back home with him which is something that something that somewhat bothers me." It should bother you. This faceless man is wooing you with the promise of a romantic meeting. You may think you know him so well, but you know very little. You only see the good side of him because that is what he allows you to see and probably vice versa. It's EXTREMELY easy to fool someone into believing you're their ideal friend, lover etc. when some sort of technology to communicate. You haven't seen this man from all angles. He's a total stranger. Are you sure everything he told you is true? It would be very foolish to quit your job and take the penalty for a man you have never met. Also have you ever thought about WHY he decided not to come and visit?
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (25 June 2011):
Whenever there is a blindingly simple way to resolve a problem, and yet it never happens, there is always a reason. The very obvious answer here is just to plan a short trip to spend some time together. The fact that has not happened in 18 months is not a healthy sign.You must both have reasons why you have not taken this step? It is the elephant in the room. Maybe a fear of rejection, a desire to hang on to all the good things that you share now, things that may go away in an instant when you physically meet. As a woman do you fear you will not be attractive to him in some way? Something very dangerous about dating exclusively online is that our tendency to only show our good side is magnified to the point that nothing negative or bad gets through. When we first meet someone (in person) and start spending time with them, we make sure to dress our best, avoid any heavy topics, maybe dress up our job situation (I'm an administrative assistant!!!), we all know the drill. And what are the things that often lead us to decide not to get serious with another person? The BAD THINGS. We aren't told those things up front, we have to find them out for ourselves. And that almost certainly requires us to actually be with and around the other person.I have said this many times before but I will say it again: People can say anything they want, it costs them nothing. That is why actions mean so much more. My brother had an ex that was constantly luring him back and then crushing his heart like it was a fun little game. And it always started back up after a run-in at the bar, or a drunk text. She would say something like she really missed him and wanted to be with him. He would be so confused. We lived together at the time, so I had front row seats. Every time I would ask him what it actually cost her to simply say something to get him back. How hard was the simple action of typing some words into a phone?It costs nothing. It doesn't require any real work or justification. At this point you probably feel like you know him very well. But everything you know has come through a filter, and that filter is him. You only know what he has allowed. And vice versa for that matter. If he spent seven years in prison for rape how would you know? Would he have told you?If he is actually unemployed, or makes a third as much as he has claimed, how would you know? If he is currently dating a local woman, and has cheated on her with her best friend, how would you know?There are so many things that you could not possibly know about him yet. And unfortunately most of those things are probably the less-shiny parts. What I have given for examples are of course extreme, but my point is that even those are possibilities.Besides all of that, there is also another very important part of this equation that you have yet to confront. I have met someone online before. It was through having a mutual friend on Myspace, I think something as simple as seeing a message she had posted.After a whirlwind romantic connection we decided to meet in person. Now, I consider myself to be an attractive person with a great personality and whatnot. I have never had any problem meeting women or getting dates. So I have never even considered online dating, not that there is anything wrong with it.We finally met when I picked her up from the airport, and although she was very attractive, it was just a very odd thing to actually be there together in person. I will leave the outcome for another day, but my point is that something that cannot be anticipated or controlled is what it will feel like to be physically with the other person.It is part of the mysterious chemistry of attraction. The way they smell, their mannerisms, how they interact with strangers, little quirks in their personality. This is why you can usually tell within moments whether you are attracted to someone you have just met.And I would guess that deep down inside you may be worrying about some of this. I can understand not meeting in person for a few months, but a year and a half is a long time. In reality, making the decision to be officially dating without having even spent a night together probably feels a little empty at times. It would for me I think.In summary, you have to be physically around someone to really know who they are. And how he has represented himself to you isn't guaranteed to be at all true. Most likely you only know his good side.And any excuses for why you haven't met in person are really just that, excuses. It costs $900.00 round trip for me to fly out of New Orleans, LA to Prague, Czech Republic. Prague is in the center of Europe (and a beautiful city, by the way). A trip really would not be that difficult to arrange. So, what do you think are the real reasons it hasn't happened yet?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 June 2011):
No, it does not " kind of makes no sense ", this is totally insane and it's the equivalent of playing Russian roulette.You want to live a good steady job,to follow to the other end of the world a perfect stranger whom you haven't even ever met in person- without knowing if you'll get along in person, if what you find in the new country will compensate what you leave back, if you'llbe able to find there a job according to your qualifications, and if you could work out a plan B to go home if things don't work out.I am not surprised your parents were upset, you are not a teenager anymore and should not let your brain be fogged by this kind of romantic fantasies.All you know of this guy are WORDS , and everybody who's good with words can be "nice" from a distance. He also as to ACT nice, which would be come and visit you, more than once, meet your parents and try to reassure them you'll be safe and happy with him, and let you honour your work committments as the adult that you supposedly are.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 June 2011):
hi,
Without doubt your parents love you, care about you, and want the best for you. Any guy in an online relationship should be the one to visit the girl and meet her family. And more than once, if he is serious, before she goes to visit him. Way too risky the other way.
The job you have won is indeed a very important reason why you should not go to see him yet.
First you must not throw in your job, have to pay out thousands, and then maybe find yourself unable to get a job elsewhere. This is your time to build up some financial reserves, make your parents proud, and develop your skills in the new job. This way he can still visit you during vacation times and you can show him more about your country.
You do have a say in this decision.
He should not be implying that you don't have a say.
And you must do what IS in your best interests. He should be doing all he can to impress your parents that he respects their position as well. Your parents never want you to come to any harm. They want assurances that you are safe from
harm
His idea that he will be able to achieve
more once he lessens the influence of your parents, and gets you away from your parents is disturbing.
Your parents are also a very important part of your life and he does not need to drive a wedge between your parents and you.
Ideally both he and you and your parents should all get along as one happy family.
It will make things so much more pleasant.
I do understand that you have a strong
emotional bond, but don't think you have to alienate your parents in order to get closer to this guy. This guy needs to respect your parents too.
Start teaching your guy some words in your language, get him to write down how to pronounce the words
phoenetically when you web cam together. This way he will be able to say, good morning, good evening, please, thank you and yes and no to your parents, when he meets you.
Good luck with this.
Abella
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