A
female
age
30-35,
*ollowtheblackrabbit
writes:Hi All,I've been estranged from my father's family for over twelve years. It's a very long story but in short, after he and my grandmother died, there was a lot of anger, resentment and accusations. Because he and my mom were separated at the time of my father's death, they felt as though she was entitled to nothing-not even the right to grieve for him. They said some very ugly things and I distanced myself.Life went on.I got married and had a child. The other day, I got a voicemail from my estranged aunt wishing me a happy birthday and asking me to call her. My husband thinks I should just ignore it. My mom says she doesn't want to influence me, but I know her and I know that contact with that side of the family isn't something she approves of.Part of me remembers this aunt being kind to me as a little girl. I used to be so proud when people said I looked like her. I feel sad that the entire family is broken. I'm also curious as to the real reason behind her call. Her son, my cousin, has had my number for 7 years. Should I least give her the courtesy of a call back?
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (4 November 2019):
Call her. What have you got to lose. Why keep yourself estranged from someone you have fond memories of. It probably took a lot of courage for her to call you. Show some courage yourself.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 November 2019):
 As you have only good memories of your aunt, I think you NEED to return her call otherwise you will regret it at some point in your life. Maybe your aunt is not well and wants to build bridges (with you and/OR your mother) before it is too late.
Your mother has been very fair in not trying to put you off contacting the family.
Good luck. I hope it all turns out well.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 November 2019):
 Remember that your relationship with your aunt is separate from your moms relationship with your aunt. Also, you have every right to a relationship with that side of your family regardless of how they treated your mom. Its not a matter of choosing sides. People are often vindictive and demand that you «choose sides», but it is immature. The mature thing to do here is to call your aunt, if you want to for your own sake. Even if you are just curious. Why should you not? Did she treat YOU badly? Separate actions towards your mom from actions towards you. Ignore this idea of choosing sides or mixing loyalty in this, because that is misplaced. The truth is that your relationship with your aunt is between you and her. And no one else. And you alone get to decide how that relationship should be. I would call her.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 November 2019):
 I agree -- you should call her back.
I know that your sticking point is that you feel you would betray your mom if you were to reach out or respond favorably to the reaching out of your father's side of the family, but as you are starting to realize, time is not guaranteed to anyone. Reconciliation is one of the most beautiful things to happen especially among family.
Don't worry about your mom. She has already said she doesn't want to influence you because as a mom, she DOES want what's best for you, and her acrimony towards your late father shouldn't be a factor in YOUR relationship with his side of the family. Your mom doesn't want to alienate your affection. Don't pick up her torch. Your mom's relationship with them isn't yours, and she won't drop you because you respond to your aunt. Disowning and cutting people off eventually will leave someone without loved ones. At what point does the bitterness have to stop?
Your aunt is reaching out. You responding might turn the corner for your family, and it will get you answers. You didn't ask for your mom and dad's relationship to break down, and they took time for granted, and now it's too late for them. Don't make the same mistake.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 November 2019):
 I would call her back. The other aunts have given you fabulous advice. It is very hard to find the courage to reach out and you said she was kind to you when you were a child, so I would at least return her call. Keep in mind how much info you wish to exchange and don't be afraid to cut the call short if things take a wrong turn.
Take things slowly. I hope it can all work out.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 November 2019):
 I agree, I would call her back.
You can ALWAYS at ANY point in time cut the contact if they start drama or whatnot.
Also (to add onto Ciar's great advice) I would keep anything VERY personal out of the conversation.
It takes a lot to make that first step, which is why I would GIVE her the respect and the benefit of the doubt and return the call.
And I get why your mom isn't keen on that aide of the family, but THAT side is part of YOU too. So I think it's up to YOU to decide if they are someone you want to stay in contact with or not. You mom has her OWN reasons (which might be valid, but they are also BASED on OLD stuff, not the present.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2019): Sometimes we take on other peoples fights without even knowing the WHOLE truth, we carry on the family cycle passing bad blood down to each generation (not you).
The story changes and grows until the whole truth is lost if ever really known. Maybe somebody thinks it is time to hear the truth. Sounds like somebody somewhere has told a big hopping lie and somebody wants to tell you the truth or say sorry maybe.
Husband is wrong for telling you to just ignore her call, who knows what she may have to say, then it's up to you how you progress from here, if at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): I think you should call her back. I do believe that people can grow, maybe she has been doing some soul-searching. What a sad world we would live in if the possibility for forgiveness was taken away. Most world religions practice forgiveness as one of the main beliefs, for a very good reason (and the reason remains, whether you are religious or not): humans are flawed. We can make stupid, selfish mistakes, especially in emotional times.
Obviously I don't know the specifics of what was said at the time, but it is likely that your father's side of the family felt hurt on his behalf (that is what comes across), and maybe felt despair that his life had been cut short without a reconciliation with your mom...it must have been very painful for them, and sometimes people lash out at times like these, feeling like the one who prematurely lost their life was wronged by family he loved. They may have felt like she abandoned him and then he died and suddenly she wanted a piece of the pie when she hadn't visited him in real life (I am NOT saying this is what actually happened, but trying to explain how it MIGHT have seemed to them). Remember THEY were outsiders too and don't know the real ins and outs of your parents relationship, so perhaps to them the fault was all on her (and, let's face it, that would be EXPECTED as family always supports their own).
In any event, YOU have nice memories of your aunt from when you were young. I think it would be so sad to let that go because of a family rift. Call her back and see if you can get together, hear her out. I think it would be beneficial for both of you to have a discussion, and you can voice your hurts if need be. As for your mom, I think she would support you, and she should support you. In honour of your dead father, you should keep ties with his sister-- her feud was never with you, and IMO I don't think it should come between an ongoing relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): I think if you're curious you could call her back to see what her agenda is. There isn't much harm in that. If she's seeking to renew a relationship then you can decide whether that's something you want, if you can forgive her past behaviour etc. But you won't know if you don't call.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 November 2019):
 I think you should call her back.
People usually have to work up the courage to reach out after a period of estrangement. Birthdays, funerals and other events can often provide the 'excuse' one needs to take that bold step.
You might be making some assumptions about what your mother thinks and wants. As a mother myself, if I had a falling out with my husband's side of the family, I would not want my daughter to be caught up in the fray. Her life would not be made better by having fewer people who care about her in it.
My recommendation is to keep it warm but somewhat formal. Treat her with the same courtesy you would a stranger you'd just met at a family wedding or something. Friendly, polite, but a bit more formal. Take things slowly and don't try to resolve your past grievances. Take the time to build a solid foundation before venturing down that path.
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