A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do I help my husband whose overly sensitive (and this is an understatement!) when he gets stressed communicating with people?When he thinks that others do not react to his jokes or look away when he’s answering the question THEY asked or pretend that they haven’t heard his question, while they are sitting right next to him… he’s anxiety gets into hyperdrive.And then hours and even weeks afterwards, he’s stuck thinking and talking about the bad event and what is worse reliving it. He’s not depressed in the sense that he sits quietly and does nothing, he does everything to provoke an argument with me, yells, finds a way to blame me for whatever happened (it’s usually my fault that he “had to go there in the first place”). If something bad happens at work afterwards, he always attributes it to this – him losing his stability due to a horrible social event where he was “humiliated”, “ignored”, “despised”…Last night was a special kind of hell.The moment we entered our car, he started lashing out and this would go on till 5 AM. He followed me around the house, as I was trying to find a place to be alone and move away from his rage, since he didn’t (or couldn’t) communicate normally. It was exhausting on all levels, physically, emotionally and mentally. I told him calmly that I needed to sleep (trying getting into conversions with him at that point only fuels his anger), but he just couldn’t stand being alone with his own feelings and thoughts.What is worse he’s not altogether wrong. Some people at the dinner party were spoilt, manipulative and probably they themselves were anxious. But even though I experienced the same evening, I did not think that somehow I personally was targeted, ignored or despised. Yes, oftentimes I had to repeat something twice or draw attention to what I was saying, since people were not attentive to begin with. Yes, we were the only foreigners in the room and yes we were the poorest around the table. But I didn’t care, even though we were somewhat marginalized when certain topics were discussed. It’s like being in a class in school. There are all kinds of people and we cannot control everybody’s behavior – which my husband is constantly trying to do. He feels that other do not respect him who what kind of a person he is and that they constantly put him down because of the work he does (he has a PhD but works a “stupid office job”) and how little we earn (most of them inherited their money and don’t need to work).It’s painful to watch him suffer, bause he DOES suffer. He would never treat anyone they way he feels other sometimes treat him, BUT, to those people, who mistreat him, he can show quiet disdain. What further pains me is that he’s too focused on himself and can’t see how others can be anxious, stressed or depressed to. He always thinks that they are all fine and that they are all just being jerks. He failed to see that the hosts were more than tipsy even before we arrived and that other guests quickly got drunk. Not drunk enough to be oblivious, but drunk not to have all their wits about them.On a more personal level (I’m not a saint trying to save him), his behavior drains me and seriously influences not only our social life as a couple, but mine as well. He doesn’t try to stop me from going, but does everything he can to avoid going with me, even when HIS own family invites us. I always ask him to prepare an excuse in advance and talk to our friends and his family himself, but he doesn’t want to have this conversation and sometimes tries to push me to do this work for him, as if he were a kid. I hate doing this. People are not stupid, after years and years of such a behavior they know that that he can’t busy/sick/out of town all the time. Is there anything I can say or do? He’s been seeing a shrink, but they haven’t really addressed this issue. I don’t know what she actually tells him, but from what he says, she simply ignores the issue and leaves him to his own devices. Maybe she knows that he is not ready?Thank you!
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 November 2019):
 I could be wrong but it sounds like your husband's "shrink" is one of those therapists that just sits and lets the patient talk. This works for some but not for all.
Have you heard of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT?). I know a number of people who this has helped immensely as it focuses on changing the way we perceive and react to things/situations/people. Perhaps you could investigate your husband seeing a therapist who specializes in this area?
As I am sure YOU are aware, you cannot change how others behave. What your husband needs to do is change how HE sees and reacts to their behaviour. There will always be jerks, bad mannered and self-centered people around, especially in loud social gatherings where alcohol is an exacerbating factor. Your husband needs to learn to deal with their existence.
I do feel for you both because you are both living in a terrible place at the moment. I do "get" your husband as I too often have similar thoughts about people and situations, although not to the extent that your poor husband does. My life became a lot less stressed since I decided that there were certain people who were just not WORTH my time. My circle of friends is now quite small but each friend is someone I actually look forward to spending time with because they are nice people and we have similar outlooks on the important things in life.
Your husband sound frustrated with his job. Can he not look for a job in which he can use he PhD?
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (4 November 2019):
 I don't know about you, but I wouldn't let him use you as a punching bag OR a therapist, because he'll never get respect if he can't even respect his own wife.
If his shrink isn't helping, he needs to either get a new one OR start being honest with the one he has. THey haven't addressed this issue because HE isn't wanting to. Visits with a psychologist or therapist are driven by the PATIENT.
But the bigger issue at hand is -- stop letting him treat you like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2019): Concerned if he has Narcissist traits, obviously his therapist can not tell you this. You need to stop been his off loader and seek some outside support. He is an emotional vampire draining all your energy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): Your husband is a classic narcissist. He lashes out and rages when he doesn't get the respect he thinks he deserves and he takes it out on you because you're gonna take it from him. Funny how he can control his rage when he's around the people who supposedly cause it. There's nothing you can do about this problem. Perhaps a good therapist can help him address it, but only if he's bringing the problem to therapy. Otehr than that, it's up to you to decide if you want to live with this behaviour for the rest of your life.
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