A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I don't know where to begin, so I will start with some background information. I have been married for 20 years, have a child in college, 1 in high school and 1 in 4th grade. I got married at age 26. When I dated my wife we had a lot in common. She liked the same music I did, we played golf and tennis together, the sex was great and frequent. After dating 2 years we got married, and things slowly started changing. Sex continued to be good and frequent because we wanted to start a family. However, after the first child, she began to think of herself as a mother instead of a lover. Sex became less frequent. She was too tired, and can she have a raincheck, etc. It became very difficult for me, as I was afraid to ask, and being rejected all the time is no fun. I am very sexual and would love to have a great time in the bedroom night after night. All of our arguments involved sex. She said thats all I thought about, and that sex wasn't the only thing in a relationship.It became a cycle, she wouldn't give me what I needed physically, and I was angry and wouldn't give her what she needed emotionally. It has gotten to the point that sex is a once a month thing, and she acts like its a bother for her.In addition, her interests changed and she took up a new interest (dog breeding) that I really have no interest in. She devotes most of her time to this new interest. We don't argue around the kids, and I do love her, and I know she loves me. But I am not ready to give up on having physical intimacy.Things got more complicated at a reunion for me this summer. I ran into an old friend, and talked with her for quite some time. Exchanged e-mails, and began talking that way. To make a long story short, 6 months later and (I am not proud of this) it has developed into an affair. She is everything my wife isn't. She likes me, has the same interests as me, thinks I'm funny, likes my music, and the chemistry is crazy good.I do not want to hurt my wife or children. The thought of hurting them makes me sick to my stomach. But the thought of living the rest of my life in this situation is very depressing.I am not vindictive. I would definitely stay in the same area, be active with my kids, and continue to totally support both my wife and my children financially to the fullest. The new girl I have met is totally understanding and on board with this. She told me I should spend part of each evening helping kids etc. I just don't know how I would ever leave. I don't want to break my children's heart, or scar them for life. I am rambling now, maybe there is no answer. Should I just resign myself to my current life and break off the new relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): to the OP, even if the sex is earthshattering right now with the mistress some way down the line your life will become stale agin. you think that you can get a f*ck from the mistress anytime/ everytime when you are in a committed relationship with her. believe me, routiness steps in and slowly the boredom starts. so you are back to square one. i have read your update. very similar to my brothers life. mundane, boredom, wife busy with life and not the hb. My brother has been having an affair for 8 years. I found out recently. Gave him the option- wife or w*ore. Told him he cannot have both. Asked him why – he said the usual – wife is a nag, just doesn’t understand him, the OW,she is just so good, just so nice, comforting, doesn’t nag, always well attired (sexy) blah blah blah. Told him to choose, release the wife and kids or be with the OW. Gave him alternatives and legal advice regarding both alternatives. Opened his eyes to the real situation. Guess what; he choose the wife, he asked for 2 months to end it with the OW. His wife doesn’t know anything. so why am i telling you my story: when it comes to the crunch and you have to make a final choice the decison somewhat becomes very easy. in my brothers case, very easy. you say you are very sexual. so this affair is basically about sex. i am assuming your mistress is single, no kids, therfore she is all for you leaving your wife to be with her. she has no other commitments and cares nothing about f*cking another womans hb.morals, darling, morals. how sure are you that she will not stray when things become boring with you. trust, can you trust her. after all did not take her long to do the dirty with you, shows you she is not a fussy girl. when mistresses replace wives that transition is a very difficult one. very few mistresses actually make that transition. in fact perhaps 1-2% only. lets not forget the old saying that when a mistress becomes the committed partner/wife, she just creates a vacancy for another. true!your wife has new hobbies. you are selfish in not cultivating her hobbies, encouraging her and loving the changes in her. seems like you only want want want without giving. your wifes different tastes and maturity is evident, you seem like a sulking schoolkid who if he doesn't get his way will throw a temper tantrum. so what if she has new hobbies. you want time to stand still without any changes. it is called change management. wih more responsibilities come the changes, yes it is boring but together you both weather it.you say " I am not vindictive. I would definitely stay in the same area,......" please don't. if/when you leave do not do the family any favours. having you so close living with your mistress will not be good for the kids (certainly not for your wife). you just want to appease your so called gulity conscious and you just being around is to pacify them that is all. they do not deserve it. so if/when you choose to leave them, leave them alone with minimal interaction. most of the times it is best. do not invade their lives and try acting like the good doting father. it doesn't work. your kids will see right through you and well will end up hating you even more. so please do not do them any special favours. you messed up and well there is no way you can make it up to them by destroying their lives. choose wisely because if you do not you will only have yourself to blame when you are old and alone.
A
female
reader, babymama99 +, writes (9 December 2009):
 I totally aggree with Angzw.
It may help to put yourself in her shoes.
She works all day (whether outside or inside the home)
makes dinner, does homework, wash clothes, clean house, etc. doing for everybody else. then at the end of the night, when she finally gets the house settled and have a chance to lay back and relax a little. here comes the husband, waking up from his nap or his perch on the couch, ready to use some more of her energy. ARE YOU KIDDING!
Of course your mistress thinks you're the cats meow because you are giving her your full attention (and she dosen't have to wash your boxers briefs). Give that attention to your wife. Send her emails in the middle of the day. Talk to her for "quite some time". Tell her she still turns you to mush when you look at her, give her a pat on the butt when you walk past her let her know that she is desired, and not just a walking vaginia.
"she wouldn't give me what I needed physically, and I was angry and wouldn't give her what she needed emotionally" THAT IS THE PROBLEM. You gave up on her. And then she gave up on you by making a life of her own (dog breading etc.) She hasn't changed her intrests she just got new ones. Go dust off that old album you had way back in the day, take her in your arms and dance around the living room, laugh about that time when... Kiss her like you did when you thought the sun rose and set on her.
Nobody wants to be looked at like a piece of meat that you can jump on at the end of the night. Take the younger two children in hand and give your wife the night off.
Treat her like you do your mistress now and YOU will be the one asking for a raincheck at night because she'll be jumping on you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): Angzw, excellent advice. Love the 80/20 principle.
Unsure of this love note to the wife. I am sure it will find itself to the mistress instead???
“Script for your wife "darling, I want you to know, I love you with all my heart. However, for the last few months I feel we have lost our connection. I miss our former closeness and I miss you being so sexy for me. Please tell me what I can do for you to make it be the way it was with us before I want to grow old with you but I miss our passionate side, what do you think about us?."
to the OP, how can your wife fix something when she doesn't know it (her marriage) is broken.
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A
female
reader, Lys  +, writes (9 December 2009):
It is so sad but very common unfortunately. It sounds like you are a good man and i can't believe I am saying this after just being cheated on myself. I understand your issues within your marriage. I can tell that you really love your wife. One thing to realize about a mistress is that she is doing exactly what a mistress does...fills whatever the void is in the marriage, most often sex. a woman that knows a man is married yet starts a relationship with him and continues it is very dangerous. the qualties in her that you see right know are ones that cater to you sexually and emotionally. Think deeper though. She knew you were married yet she pursued you. She knew you were married yet she pursued you. Does that seem like a woman that has morals, values or integrity? Of course not. Is she trustworthy? How could she be when you are both living a lie. Now you. Gosh. I understand that men require sex or at least within your marriage you needed more physical intimacy. I can understand that and sympathize with it however you broke your marriage vows and betrayed your love. I believe that something changes in a man when they have gotten to the point that the act and decide to cheat. You have let go of any morals, and virtues that you might have once held sacred. i believe that you absolutely need to end your affair. I also believe that you need to tell your wife...own up to it and then begin to heal. believe me one way or another it will come out! i think that it is best coming from you. A man that owns up to an affair is easier to forgive because a woman can see that he is coming clean and it gives a glimmer of hope to her that you may still possess the qualities that she feel in love with. Its the honourable thing to do. There are many marriages that can recover from an affair but the lies have to stop today. You must break it off with this other woman now. You stand way too much to lose. If you think that it may be possible to find happiness and build a life with this other waman if you do leave you are crazy. That happy ending can never exist. You have bought into a fantasy and then turned your sexual desires into reality. Once you are with the mistress on the daily all you have done is jumped out of the pot into the fire and trust me you know nothing about this lonely mature woman after six months of sleeping with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks for the answers so far. I have tried a couple of those things in the past. Whenever we try to have a date, something always comes up, or she turns it into a trip to the grocery store for an hour after the movie. I have told her time and time again that I can't live this way, that physical intimacy is important to me and to a marraige. She says I am oversexed and thats all I want her for.
And getting her drunk is a great idea Emily! Unfortunately she doesn't drink. Another weird thing. She doesn't like to be touched. Doesn't like back rubs, doesn't like oral (me on her, actually I don't think she likes me physically at all. I am not unattractive. I am in shape, exercise, etc.
We have never really discussed counseling. She doesn't think we have that big a problem. I have told her I refuse to live this way, but she kind of ignores that comment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): Did you hear about midlife crises? I'm sorry ,but that part here is the worst cliche.
'She is everything my wife isn't. She likes me, has the same interests as me, thinks I'm funny, likes my music, and the chemistry is crazy good.'
sure she is, because you didn't live with her for 20 years yet.
I think you need to learn about human behavior and improve your deep psychology skills!
Wake up! Watch American beauty!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (9 December 2009):
I think you owe it to your wife to give it one more go. Tell your girlfriend you are going to give it one last push with your marriage and if she hasn't heard from you by easter she should move on. I bet she'll be willing to wait for you knowing that you will then be able to move with her full time if it doesn't work out.
Sit her down and tell your wife how unhappy you are that she's changed so much.
There has to be some of that woman in there that you married. Talk to her about how she used to be and I DO NOT mean sex. I mean the music, and th stuff you used to do together.
Find out if she wants to give it a try with you. Get a grandmother or someone into baby sit and go and see one of the old bands touring some where. Fly off somewhere for a holiday just the two of you in the new year.
Your wife probably has no idea you are so unhappy, she just knows you nag her for sex.
Take her out on a date, get her drunk and have some FUN together. Do this at least once a week and get her to be her and not a mummy for a night.
If it doesn't work then you can walk away knowing you have tried your best.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Mary D +, writes (9 December 2009):
Wow,maybe you need to sit down and talk to your wife if things are that bad,women just dont realize how importnat it is for a man to be sexually satisfied,it is the heart of the marriage. But for you to continue your selfish behavior,affair, will destroy everything, and how will you feel about the woman who helped you to ruin your family and threaten your childrens security. you will grow to hate her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): i think you have a pie in the sky concept of your affair.
this is a reality: you are cheating, you will hurt your wife and kids in the process and your lover and you will destroy their lives. this is what affairs do.
so whether you stay in the marriage or move in with your mistress, the reality is that your life will never be the same agin. you are used to the lies and cheating and well you will not change. do yourself a favour and divorce your wife. you have used her for 20 years. she doesn't deserve all your mid life crises drama and well if you cannot appreciate her for who she is, i am sure another man will. as for your 3 kids, they will be there for their mother and they will survive your betrayal. rather they know who they are dealing with than them having this misconception of you.
either way you will destroy lives. "I do not want to hurt my wife or children...' then stop and think about what you are about to do. stop thinking with your d*ck and start thinking of the ramifications of your affair and you destroying the very people you profess to love.
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A
female
reader, kelleeashton +, writes (9 December 2009):
 i disagree with the first answer. obviously you love her and have tried to work it out. i think you will miss your old life and it will be a hard change but a happier one. dont do it for the new girl at allm do it for you because you want to leave.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (9 December 2009):
I am going to answer you by telling you what you don't want to hear: your dead sex life with your wife is your fault. I don't know what it will take to teach men that if you treat your wife like how you did when you courted her, she will be on you like you wouldn't believe. A woman's sexual appetite is like an iron, it takes time to heat up but when its hot then its sizzling! Men are more like a light... They are aroused immediately. So over the years, you had come to just expect the sex without making an effort to be attractive to her... How can you be attractive to her...? Take out the trash, help with dinner, leave a little note under her pillow, send her an "I'm thinking of you text" randomly: in fact, do everything you are doing for your mistress right now. Make a plan for the two of you to have a date night where she has not clue where you are taking her, then when you get home have something sexy on your bed for her to wear (try 3wishes.com for sexy items). If you are just getting home, putting your feet up not helping then expecting her to just fuck, forget it. Leaving your wife for your new girlfriend will not solve anything, here is why: you are probably getting 80% of what you need from your wife, and 20% from the mistress. Are you willing to sacrifice the 80%(wife, kids, family) just to get 20%?? Is it not better to try put a little effort into fixing the 20%? Trust me, if your wife ever finds out about her, that mistress will become your worst nightmare... And you can't try work on your marriage if you are seeing her. Give it another shot. If it doesnt work then at least you gave 100% effort. Script for your wife "darling, I want you to know, I love you with all my heart. However, for the last few months I feel we have lost our connection. I miss our former closeness and I miss you being so sexy for me. Please tell me what I can do for you to make it be the way it was with us before I want to grow old with you but I miss our passionate side, what do you think about us?."
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 December 2009):
I think you do need to stop the affair for now, so you can focus on what you want from life and to see whether you can fix your marriage at all. It sounds like because you and your wife never really talked about both feeling rejected, you just rejected each other even more and now you've started the affair because it seems there is no more hope. It would be a dreadful shame if you left your wife and kids without at least trying to fix it one more time, this time insisting your wife comes to counselling and insisting that you both talk about how you feel towards each other. The fact you don't want to hurt your wife shows that there is still love there, and if you can both work together to fix it, maybe it can work out. If not, then it's time to move on. However, I think you need to stop the affair, because that's just making it all more confusing for you. See whether there is any way you can get your wife to counselling and fix the marriage first.
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