A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have an amazing relationship and I love him with all my heart but the issue lies with our sex life. The thing is, Are love is so strong, but at the same time so is the sexual chemistry. I am A Christian so for me, I feel as though ive done a bad thing because we are not married, but at the same time I love him and I know he's the one. I've told him a few times, I want to stop because the guilt of fornification is eating me alive but things just feel so right with him. But we just cannot control ourselves. Hes even suggested that we don't see each other as much, tried that...failed... And then he suggested that whenever one of us is in the mood.. we leave or separate ourselves for a while. Are there any suggestions you guys have, is it so wrong to have sex with my boyfriend. I don't know how to feel about the situation. How do I stop, and should I ?( he took my virginity and hes the only guy I ever loved ). Please give me any advice that you have, and thank you for your time.
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female
reader, elise22  +, writes (7 February 2014):
 I'm not a Christian, so you don't have to take my opinion into account, but here's what I think: if you love him, it feels right, you want to and you're not hurting anyone doing it, why feel guilty? I'm in a loving sexual relationship with my boyfriend and have never once felt guilty about it. The only difference is, I'm not sure what to believe in but I personally think that if there is a God, he wouldn't send me to hell for making love to the man I love.My own situation aside, if you're beating yourself up everytime you've had sex, it is probably hurting your relationship. Sounds like you've found a good guy who wants to wait for you, which is pretty awesome, so maybe it would be better to really try and wait and then fully enjoy it once you're married. Good luck!
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (30 January 2014):
 It is possible to wait. I've done it myself, so I know. And I've been married twice, and waited both times. Yes the temptation is there, but if you're both committed to it, it is possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You all for your advice (:
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2014): You can't stop that, OP. That desire is too deeply ingrained in you. That would be like trying to stay off chocolate while living with Willy Wonka, very possible to not eat chocolate but the frustration and desire will only grow.
If you're making a choice to not have sex then you have to understand that it's never going to get any easier to go without something that you really like and brings you both physically and emotionally closer. It'll never stop feeling like something is kind of missing. But that's not a bad thing, OP. Without that desire you'd only be friends.
You just have to deal with it. You can't get rid of it. If you manage to stop it please do let us know how, because I've never heard of it happening other than from extreme emotional distress or powerful libido killing drugs.
You can certainly ease it a bit with masturbation and limiting temptation by not being physically intimate with him that often. Other than that there's no off button.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 January 2014):
 OP, allow me to remind you that the original question in your post were : "how do I stop,- and SHOULD I ".
I took it to mean that you aren't even that sure you should. So , while my personal answer , or the answer of any other person who does not share your same values may be an easygoing " Do not bother stopping ", in your case the " should " is rather a no brainer. Obedience is a major value for any Christian denomination, and if your Church teaches you that you should NOT have premarital sex, and you believe in its teachings, then yes, obviously you should not have premarital sex. And yes you should stop.
Aknowledging that all humans make mistakes , and that temptations are hard to resist, is not the same as having a free pass to always repeat the same mistake forever because ,hey " flesh is weak " , and to not strive harder, much harder of what you are doing now, to overcome temptations, if you really believe that you are committing a big sin.
In other words, IF it is a sin, then ideally you should not be doing it. Of course you are still a Christian, but- -in your own eyes, not in mine, I want this to to be clear - you are a Christian who is sinning, and , even if you know you can count on God's forgiveness for your sins, - the whole idea would still be to NEED this forgiveness as little and rarely as possible.
It's like you were a daughter that steals money from her forgiving parents 's wallets . Sure you are still a daughter, and sure your parents will forgive you
- nevertheless you still SHOULD NOT steal from them, no matter how strong the temptation is , and no matter if you can count on their easy forgiveness.
How do you stop ? Simple. You decide you are not going to do it , and you stick to your decision. No matter how much distress and frustration it may give you. You commit to do, or in your case to NOT do, something, and you accept that this committment is going to complicate your life and make it less enjoyable.
I have to repeat here the same things I said few days ago to another poster who found hard to do something.
It is hard : so what ? It depends from how much you want it, if you want it badly enough you can deal with " hard ".
" Hard " is the trade off for reaching a certain goal. Lots of things are hard ! If you are obese and have to stay on a diet to become slim, that's hard. Quitting smoking, to protect your health, - that's incredibly hard. Quitting drinking or drugs, even harder. Studying for a test while all your friends are out parting and having fyn is hard. Saving money for some specific goal while everybody around you is going on a shopping spree is hard. Everything is hard, particularly if you aren't motivated enough. When you want something baly enough, you'll take " hard " in stride, because you have decided that the high price you are paying is worth the final gain.
I am feeling really weird in exhorting someone to premarital chastity, because, again, for me personally not only is not a big deal but it is in fact , a very bizarre notion. But logic is logic, and if for YOU instead , it IS a big deal- then you have be coherent with your ideas and accept that coherence implies sacrifices -big sacrifices. Reason for which, " but I find it hard " does not cut it.
If you mean how can you make it easoer for you in practice, then I guess first thing you have to have your bf on board and ensure his cooperation. He should use self control too, like not kiss you or touch you in a certain way that may make you exceed the limits you have agreed to respect , do not initiate or tease , and even STOP you if you start becoming too amorous. That's not something you can do by yourself, you have to agree to give yourself boundaries and respect them. And of course, you should avoid all the occasions and places where sex could easily happen, and see each other in public, hang out only, or mostly, with friends, spend your time together practicing sports ( or volunteering at your church ) rather than cuddling on the sofa, etc.etc.
My point is, when there 's a will there's a way .
But,... is there actually a will ?
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (29 January 2014):
The way to stop is to stop this from being a secret between the two of you. If you attended a church, there would be people there you could confide in who could pray with you about it and encourage you and help you.
This is one of many reasons why it's good for Christians to attend church and have fellowship with each other: they can help and pray for each other. You don't have that support structure at the moment.
On the flip side, you may meet people at church who you can help in other areas. It cuts both ways.
Every Christian couple has struggled in this area I'm sure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): Either you live by your religious convictions; or you live by the flesh.
You make reference to the Bible on this. So why have you come to an advice site asking how do you stop? If you're expecting a Bible-referenced response; we don't go there here. This isn't a faith-based site.
To put it bluntly. You don't want to stop; and we're not going to preach to you.
I guess you have to take it to your minister; and let him or her advise you; if you're making a choice based on your religious beliefs. You've already had sex more than once. Now make up your mind.
You're going to have to learn to deal with your guilt; if you're going to have premarital sex.
I think you're letting your boyfriend have his way and feeling afraid to stop in fear of losing him. Then you sit around stewing in guilt; and having moral conflict over it.
If being submissive to his will is against your personal beliefs and values. Then stand up for what you truly believe.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing that some of you are not realizing is yes I am A Christian, but Im still human, I make mistakes and I still get tempted.. Im not the first nor will I be the last, Gods grace is sufficient and He knows my heart. Yes I had sex, that doesn't make me any less of a Christian. Yes, both of us are Christians but we do see things from different perspectives, we do not have the exact same beliefs. For me personally I have no religion I just trust god with my heart and use the bible as a GUIDE to live my life ( thank you for the reader who made it known the bible is a guide not a RULE book), But he doesn't believe in everything the bible says, and he feels that if we truly love each other it should be Okay, But he also agreed that its okay to take a break if I feel strongly about this... And I doOur love will remain, our relationship isn't built on sex, but It has made us closer, its not just sex but at that time, we feel as if we are one person, and nothing else is real, and I guess I desire that type of feeling so Its hard to stop...That was the question, how do I stop that.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 January 2014):
When there are questions like yours, I always scratch my head, perplexed.
Because, if I have to give you my personal opinion- I do not share your Christian values, do not believe that God or a super-human transcendent would even bother with my personal sex life ( He'd probably have much more pressing issues to contend with ! ), don't think that there is anything wrong with having sex before marriage in general, and least of all in your case when you two love sincerely each other, are in a monogamous committed relationship and want have sex to express physically your mutual love, not just for entertainment purposes only, so we can't even say you are being " selfish " or " shallow ".
So , my answer would be : don't worry, love away as much as you want, you aren't doing anything wrong.
But that would be Cindy's answer, not a Christian answer.
I think,...what's the point of embracing certain values and a certain faith, what's the point of believing them, defending them and circulating them , if you don't LIVE them and witness them through your own life ?
If you are a vegetarian, is it wrong to eat steak ? Of course- for YOU it's wrong. If you are a Communist party card carryng member, is it wrong to give money to a rigt wing party ? If you are a fervent republican, it is wrong to accept the title of Duchess ?... You see where I am getting at.
I've got the feeling that you are looking for answers which will validate your behaviour, and you can get them. Only, they will not be answers from fervent conservative Christians like you, they will be answers from people who do not share or even understand your Christian education, values and morals. So, do these answers really matter ?...
I think in your case you should be seeking these answers from your pastor or minister or what is he, or from the elders in your religious community, or at the very least from fellow worshippers who are/ have been in a similar situation.
But, you know that you probably would not like the answer, so that ìs why you are asking the opinion of other people.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (27 January 2014):
If you want to follow your Christian faith and do what is right in the eyes of God, then yes you should stop.
Is your boyfriend a Christian too? According to the Bible, you should only marry someone who is also a Christian. If he is, then he should want to stop too and you can work on this together, but you don't mention this in your post.
If you really want to stop, it would be good to confide in a mature Christian who you know well, maybe someone at your church if you attend one. They should be able to help you. That would be my suggestion.
I wish you all the best.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (26 January 2014):
Dear OP,
This post might be critical towards a certain interpretation of the christian religion, so decide for yourself if you want to read it:
There are many ways to be spiritual and follow a religion. There are those who put a lot of emphasis on the moral rules like abstinence etc. There are those who essentially strive to open their hearts to wisdom and to improve themselves.
Personally, I don't understand why sex before marriage should be a sin. You don't hurt no one and you only do it with the man you love. You don't disrespect him or yourself. It feels right, despite you've been told for so long that it's wrong.
I think it's worth thinking about whether the guilt you feel is really because of god or because of the people around you. Because I believe what makes you a good person is the love and compassion you give to others and not just obedience to some traditions and rules.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): Don't bother stopping. You've already done it and you have no reason to feel guilty, there's no turning back now anyway. You're no longer a virgin and can't make yourself "pure" again, nor do you have to.
You see that's the thing with the bible, OP. God must be the only being to ever exist that leaves a set of vague instructions and never revise those instructions to deal with changing times.
The old rules of sex and marriage in the bible no longer apply. We no longer stone women for adultery, we don't cut off the hands of women for defending their boyfriends.
The reason virginity was so important in the times of the bible was because of paternity and role of women. A man needed to know that a woman was a virgin so he could ensure that any children were his only, his bloodline and his family name wouldn't be ruined by scandal.
Well we have birth control now, we have DNA tests and as a history teacher if the Bible were written today, sex would not be a sinful act. Women are equals in the eyes of god and he wouldn't have made his instructions to say they are not or put them at such a disadvantage. The rules would more likely be condemning rape instead of condoning it like it does. It would have rules about proving paternity before the guy has to provide etc. God gave us free will according to bible so we could use it uphold him and venerate him, well we wouldn't be doing a good job of that if we just stagnated and never progressed.
The bible is a guide, not a rule book. It's a guide designed to teach people who lived 100's of years ago the rules and customs of that society. Society is no longer like that, and you are still holy and pure as long as you live by the general ideology of that book which is simply to live a good life, be good to people and thank your god for all you've been given. Well if your boyfriend is such a gift then you are allowed to enjoy that gift guilt free.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): Restricting sex on moral grounds is the reason the temptation peaks. Every-time you put emphasis on the sin-factor, you're right back at it again. You've already crossed that line; now it's going to be a major task to quit.
You're looking for some way you can remove the guilt. That might happen if you stop having sex. Then you'll be more focused on the sex you're not having. You'll weaken and do it anyway.
Focus on other aspects of your relationship and not let sex be the dominant factor keeping you together.
You're young so every-time he comes around, he's expecting you to give him sex. You feel if you deprive him, you will lose him. You also want what is forbidden more than ever.
If you look at sex as "fornicating" then follow your beliefs. Just make sure this young man wants a meaningful relationship; and isn't just hanging around because of the sex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): I was much like you, I didn't plan to have sex for religious reasons, but it happened, and it felt so "right". I'm not going to try to make it seem evil... it isn't. But it is irreversible. and that is what you have to keep in mind going forward. First, are you two on the same page about this? If so, have you started talking about marriage? ... if not... then I think you should. If you truly believe it is wrong on some level, you are only going to end up hurt if you let it continue without ever standing up for your beliefs.Second, make a decision, AND STICK TO IT. If you choose to go without sex, remind yourself daily the reasons why, and if your boyfriend isn't supportive, that's a red flag... you two may not be as compatible as you'd like to think.Lastly, and most importantly, do not let this scare you into staying with him or blind you to faults. When I married, I was pregnant with our first child. My father took me aside and had a long talk with me, he wanted me to know that despite the years and years of my parents lecturing me on abstinence and getting married, a person should NEVER marry for reasons such as "well... no good religious person will want me I'm not a virgin anymore" or "if I have a child out wedlock...", or etc... It's never worth it to lock yourself into a relationship or marriage because you feel you've sinned and that's the only way to fix it. Make sure you're doing it for deeper reasons if you choose to do so. Good luck :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): You're a Christian, so you're going to be seeking a Christian reply (i.e. answers from the Bible itself). Here's a link which addresses your problem:
http://sex-in-the-bible.zzl.org/AlreadyHadSex.html
TLDR: marry!
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male
reader, Geta +, writes (26 January 2014):
It is not wrong to have those feelings - to want to abstain from sex - but continue with the relationship. In fact, me and my wife were in a similar situation for similar reasons and we decided to "fast" for a while from sex until married and it worked - for over a year we didn't have any sex although we engaged and felt aroused many times. We took those temptations as a test of our will for our commitment to each other and what it represented to us spiritually. We also never looked at our past sex as guilt but something that we cleansed off with good actions. In our experience, it heightened our desire for one another and made our bond subsequently stronger. It may work for you - but as in everything in a relationship - it takes two to commit to it so be sure you involve your boyfriend in this and do not do a one-sided cold turkey until both of you agree to it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): I think is waaaay too late for you guys to not have sex. it's actually quite ridiculous even to feel any guilt now sine you are already in a game.
If you Re sooo .Christian then you shouldn't even start having sex being unmarried. Times changed long ago. Religion though is important for some, but did a lot of harm through human history.
Enjoy yourself, and stop these silly thoughts.
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