A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So me and my boyfriend of 5 years broke up May 2012, and whilst now I can say that I have completely moved on, I know that he is struggling really bad. Tonight he asked if he could talk to me on the phone (the first time we have actually spoken since breaking up - we've sometimes chatted on facebook) and he pretty much told me that he still loved me and wanted to know if there was anything he could do to get us back together again, saying all of this stuff that just made me feel uncomfortable and guilty. I told him in a gentle but firm way how I felt and whilst he was upset, he accepted this, we caught up a bit and I said I would see him when I come back from my 6 month holiday and that if he wanted to talk, to drop me a text first.I would like some advice as to what I should do? How do I help him through and how far should I involve myself? I'm torn because on one hand I feel so bad and worried for him, he's in real bad shape. I want him to be happy because we ended on good terms, but on the other hand I don't want to involve myself too much because I think it would be detrimental. He says he's on a 'downward spiral' and I just don't know how to handle this from here. It might sound selfish but I need to move on with my life but I can't knowing that he isn't happy.
View related questions:
broke up, facebook, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): This sounds cruel; but the best thing you could do is to discontinue all contact. Your pandering and babying him is sending him a message you're still there for him; and maybe you made a mistake by breaking up with him.
Yes, you were together a long time. Apparently you still broke up. He's spiraling downward; because you're dangling
a carrot in-front of him. Feeding him the false-hope he can get you back through pity.
You made the decision to move on. Then do him the favor and get out of his life completely to let him heal. He has to do it the hard way. You're the reason he is suffering; because you're making him act like a crying baby who doesn't want his mommy to put him down.
Unless you enjoy his suffering, you will do him a world of good to force him to be a man; and deal with his grief and to get on with his life. You can't hold his hand forever.
Why did you breakup, if you're still around? Who needs your guilt and pity? What responsibility do your have to tend his wounded heart. You decided you could no longer be his girlfriend. So why won't you take him back?
This is not intended to be mean to you; but to give you the strength to let him go, so he will get over you.
Unless you don't really want him to. That would be cruel and very selfish.
You have no intentions of taking him back. Stop mothering him and showing how "concerned" you are. He is playing on it, and he will cling to you and will impede your progress of getting on with your life.
He will also intrude on your new relationships, and become needier and needier. You are also impeding on his recovery, and delaying his healing.
He will move on when you go away, and allow him to.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (26 January 2014):
 That's a hard situation because you were together for so long. so no doubt you still care for him. He was a huge part of your life.
If he's struggling so much, he most likely would benefit from some counseling. it's nice to have someone who doesn't judge you who will sit and listen while you let everything out. Maybe you could suggest this to him.
I know it's hard but there's really nothing else you can do. It's up to him to make the appropriate steps towards moving on. He will be okay eventually.
Maybe one day, you two can be friends. Until then, try to stay at a bit of a distance, as it may hinder him from moving on. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 January 2014):
 He is your ex for a reason, and it is up to him to find his happiness, its not your job.
If he is on a downward spiral encourage him to seek some professional help, your feelings are right in that the more you allow yourself to get involved the harder it will be to become uninvolved.
Be honest with him, tell him you hope he gets the help he needs and that you wish him well but that it is also time to recognise your relationship is over and that you need to get on with your own life.
You sound like a nice caring person, and doing the above will be hard, and difficult and also gender more feelings of guilt, but it is the right thing to do, for both yourself and for him.
Good luck!
...............................
|
