A
male
age
41-50,
*-treem
writes:become less dramatic after some close calls in terms of our relationship that neither of us want to repeat. In short, we’re able to deal with and adapt to each other’s dominant personalities and the problems they produce between us much better. However, I still find occasionally she is unreasonably demanding of me. And this is what I want to ask the community today. It is a matter of money, one of the biggest problem-causers in relationships. To put it simply, I’m not short of cash, but I’m very conscious of making my money work for me and like to spend on leisure in moderation, i.e., not to excess, especially when it comes to taking time off work to go on expensive holidays, which is a double-whammy for me because I’m an IT contractor and therefore don’t get paid for time off. In August last year, I took my girlfriend to Hawaii for 10 days and it cost me thousands both in holiday expenses and time off. My girlfriend didn’t have to pay a penny. The holiday was a bit of a disaster due to arguments. So, a few weeks ago (end of May, beginning of June), we went to Seychelles. My girlfriend’s friend’s parents live there and provided us with free accommodation. My girlfriend paid for half of her flight ticket, one inter-island ferry ticket and one meal out. I paid for everything else. I am now in the process of buying an investment property in London and all of my funds are going into paying for the deposit and fees for this purchase. It leaves me with very little surplus money. In fact, I’m having to borrow to fund some of it. I go skydiving in Madrid once a month which costs me a few hundred each time in travel and jumps. I mention this because my girlfriend considers this a factor in the issue I’m about to state. So… my girlfriend wants to go on another holiday end of this month. It will be two months after our Seychelles holiday. She already knows I can’t go due to work and financing my new property purchase, so she is going on her own and I’ve told her she must pay for it. However, it turned out to be more expensive than she thought and now wants me to pay for her flight (£250). She said she will give the money back to me when she gets paid, but I know from experience this will likely not happen. I have therefore put my foot down on the basis that I cannot afford to give her this money due to everything else going on and I’ve argued that many people choose to go on one holiday per year, let alone the fact we went to Seychelles very recently. As a result, she has become moody and snappy with me (usual for her when she doesn’t get her own way) and has made comments like it’s my duty as a man to pay for her holiday when she can’t afford it and I’m going skydiving. I’ve explained I have to skydive regularly in order to keep current, but that’s beside the point. She argues that she has to use up her work holiday and that she requires to go on the beach and get sun. I’ve suggested going somewhere cheaper like South of France, but she only wants to go somewhere like Mykonos or Crete or the Algarve. What should I do here? I really feel I should stand my ground on the basis of furthering our financial worth and securing our future. But, should a man fund his girlfriend’s lifestyle when she earns very little. Note that she also doesn’t pay for anything on the house apart from food shopping sometimes. I pay the mortgage, all the bills, etc. I’m happy to do this as she earns a lot less than me and she’s in a few grand of debt, and in return she does all the domestic chores. It’s a traditional man-the-provider, woman-the-housewife scenario. But, I just think the extra holiday so soon given the circumstances is a step too far. Thoughts or comments?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): You should stop giving her money every time she gets moody and snappish. Let her be as moody as she wants, tell her if she wants money then get a job and save up her own money for things she wants. If she stays moody then just avoid her, spend time with your friends or on your own, no heed to hang around her if she is just going to be sour towards you. Tell her if she wants to spend time around you she can call you when she is not moody anymore. And again just tell her if she wants money she can get a job or she can save the money she has now until she gets a job. Or tell her to ask her other friends for money. She sounds more like a spoilt child than a grown up. You're reinforcing her bad habits.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2013): Absolutely not." I pay the mortgage, all the bills, etc. I’m happy to do this as she earns a lot less than me and she’s in a few grand of debt, and in return she does all the domestic chores."So in other words: she is your maid and you are her employer. She does the housework, and you pay her money. This is why I have problem with "traditional" gender-roled relationships. I dont' think it is morally acceptable for a grown woman who is healthy and able-bodied to simply expect that a man should financially support her as if she was his child. And the fact that it is only the man that she is sleeping with whom she is getting money from and that it is the very sexual nature of the relationship that entitles her to seek money from him (I mean, she wouldnt' demand financial support from her parents, platonic friends, or siblings), that makes such arrangements sound more like the oldest profession in the world if you know what I mean...Aside from that problem with the definition of your relationship, your gf is using you. She feels entitled to money that she did not earn and it seems that she sees you as an ATM rather than as a person. That shows that she is selfish and inconsiderate, and sees this relationship as entirely for her benefit. Why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone of this character?So you pay her large sums of money, and in return you get: arguments, drama, and some housecleaning done. Is this arrangement really something you want to continue? Why not just hire a professional housecleaner? they will cost much less than this woman.
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A
male
reader, X-treem +, writes (8 July 2013):
X-treem is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for all of your replies. It appears that it's 5 against 1 on not paying for her holiday flight, so, by consensus, I guess that means I shouldn't pay.Before I go on, I should clarify that the following line is supposed to go at the beginning of my question, but I missed it off due to a copy-paste error: "I have been with my girlfriend for nearly three years and we’ve had numerous ups and downs, but things have started to "Anyhow, I would like to clarify some points raised in the 1 against (CindyCares). Your comments appear to be based on misconceptions about our situation. Providing for her is not my preference as you put it, and this "setup" is not something that we "promote and embrace", but something that just ended up happening due to certain reasons. She lost her job near the end of 2011 and remained jobless for nearly a year despite trying to find work (she's a sales assistant). I had moved out of my London rented accommodation and was living at her place at the time for free (her ex-husband paid most of her rent for reasons not worth going into here) while I was waiting for a property purchase to complete. This ended up taking longer than anticipated, so I effectively lived rent-free with her for a while, but she knew that she wouldn't have to pay rent once I had my new place and I paid the mortgage which is solely in my name. Anyway, I then changed job and, due to work circumstances, I moved to Cambridgeshire for a new job and then back to London for another new job. As she was out of work anyway, she moved with me as I moved around with work, and so the precedence started to be set that I would pay the domestic bills. And this carried on after she found a job. Her view was that she shouldn't have to contribute now that she has a job because it was me moving around with work that caused her to abandon her place which her ex-husband was paying most of the rent for, and he obviously wouldn't pay rent to me for her living with me. Once she left her place, her ex-husband's help stopped, but she viewed that as a sacrifice she made for me.I don't pay for anything for her that doesn't involve me. She pays her own travel and food at work and buys her own clothes and accessories and things like phone bills, etc. I only pay for domestic bills and food and drinks when we're out together. However, she tends to run out of money 2-3 weeks into every month because she spends her money on designer shoes, clothes, etc. I then have to give her money for food/travel, but I try to restrict it to £20 at a time and don't hand it over easily as I'm trying to get her to budget better and be more careful with her monthly expenses. Clearly, it's not working at the moment, but I'm still hoping."Squabbling over £250" ? Even in our household, £250 is a lot of money regardless of skydiving trips and flights to Hawaii from which you seem to have drawn that £250 is peanuts for me. £50 is a lot of money for average income households. Why would 5x that much NOT be a lot of money for me?And you missed the point about my skydiving. I can't "skip one trip" because it's a skill that I must keep current in jumps per period, much like a private aircraft pilot must maintain flight hours per period. This is not something that can be compromised because a lapse in skill by not remaining current could result in death given the nature of the sport. Losing currency is actually more costly because costly refresher courses then need to be taken. The only other option is to give it up, and that is not something anyone should expect me to do just to pay for one holiday flight for my girlfriend, and skydiving is my lifelong dream which she knew when she got with me.Anyway, an update on the situation...I offered to give her £100 towards the flight in the end, but not for free. This was in exchange for me allowing a house guest into our home for a few weeks who would be paying me rent and she has offered to clean up after him and change bedding, etc. That leaves £150 remaining. I helped her sell her old TV, which was gathering dust, for £85. I'm sure she can manage the remaining £65.Yes, we're dealing with small amounts here, but I'm adamant to not give her the whole £250 that she became moody and snappy over and demanded it from me. But, I'm trying to help her raise the money while trying to get her to understand the value of money at the same time so that she doesn't take my money for granted to the point that it escalates indefinitely and eventually impacts or even jeopardises important purchases or investments in the future. That is the last thing I want because, whether she realises it or not, this is all for both of our future benefit and financial security. It's just hard getting her to understand that.
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A
male
reader, adaminio +, writes (6 July 2013):
No stick your ground mate, I think she is acting a bratt.. shoudnt she want to go on holiday with you? Spend it together I mean..
But yeah your makin it worse for yourself with the sky diving thing.. then again its your money ha
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2013): i wish have a boyfriend like you! you are such a generous man. she should be thankful having a man who support her. i think is time to take decisions. if she behaves like that being your girlfriend.. how she is going to be if she become your wife?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 July 2013):
 That you are absolutely right in theory and absolutely wrong in practice.
Meaning, you have this traditional set up man- the- provider, woman -the-housewife. ( Fine, if it works for you and you are both happy ).
But you have this very traditional, bourgeois , middle- class set up - with an affluent, glamorous lifestyle that 's definitely not what you would see in the house of bank clerk, or teacher, or even doctor man-the - provider. The context, the habits, the expectations are different.
I am not saying that you are not generous or you don't provide well enough , or, that you are obliged to provide anything she wants.
But that , since by your own preference you do provide, then do it in style and adequate to the context.
Do you realize that you mention montly skydiving trips, flights to Hawaii... and then you are squabbling over all
of 250 pounds ?? It's like in other less affluent , average income households, you'd start pulling the purse strings and throwing your weight around ... because she asked you 20 pounds to get her nails done.
Some people may take issues with your general set up , or the values and concepts it stems from, but that's not the point. The point is , you promote and embrace this kind of dynamics , this kind of consumption, etc. ? Then, just shell out the 250 already :). And if you literally don't have them, skipping ONE skydiving trip will take care of the problem.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (5 July 2013):
This is definitely a time when you need to stand your ground. Tell her if she thinks it's your "duty" as a man to do anything like pay for her vacation, then it's her "duty" as a woman to listen to you when you say no. End of story.
In her defense I don't think you should be skydiving if you don't have the money, I could see why she'd bring it up. Although you have the right to spend your money how you see fit. If she relies on you to pay the bills she needs to live with that.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (5 July 2013):
You should NOT be paying for her trips, especially when you don't agree that it is an affordable expense at the moment. I don't really think you should have paid for so much of her previous trips before, but if you guys have decided that you share your finances and expenses, then fine.
I think that her behaviour, though, shows that she is taking advantage of your money. She is your girlfriend, who essentially lives rent and bill free. She pays for almost nothing on trips or entertainment. In fact, I'm not entirely sure what she spends her own money on. She wants to go on another trip so soon after her last one, doesn't have enough money to fund it and expects you to. The fact that she has some debt means that she shouldn't be going on the trip at all. She should be paying off her debt, not incurring more.
I'm in a situation where my husband makes a lot more than me. So I'm being financially supported for the most part. I do contribute what I can. However, our financial decisions are joint. Neither of us makes purchases that the other one doesn't okay, especially not large ones like a trip. And realizing that I don't make a lot of money and I have some student debt, I don't spend very much on myself. Most of the extra income goes towards paying down debt.
I wonder if maybe she thinks of your finances as separate, her money and your money. And so she doesn't care about spending YOUR money. You can go broke for all she cares as long as her money is fine.
Do not cave in to her whining. You are already borrowing money to pay for your investment. You have no spare income to pay for unnecessary things like her trip. You really should have some money set aside for emergencies that could pop up (and a trip doesn't count). If she can't afford her trip, she can borrow money from someone else. She needs to learn to be more financially responsible. Considering how little expenses she has, it shouldn't be that hard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2013): Why should you pay?? She's sounds like a spoilt brat to be honest. For her to say it's you duty as a man is bull crap. If you was going then it would be understandable for you to help out if she is short but as your not AND she only went on holiday a couple months before hand that YOU paid for then no you don't. She wants to go she should pay. I'd think about finding someone that dose not seem to be about monye all the time.
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