A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello all, I'm having a bit of a dispute here within myself and my family. My parents are very loving and caring people and I know they would do anything for me, but my mom is sick and the company my dad works for is slowly on the decline. My older sister (25, 8year age gap between us) recently moved back in because they are going broke too and my brother-in-law is about to lose his job. With everything going on here I think it might ne easier on them if I moved out. It seems like I'm a financial drain, even though I try not to be. My boyfriend of 1 year and I have discussed this and we want to live together. It isn't just a money thing, we actually want to live together, but the financial struggles are making the idea seem more appealing. We love each other to bits and have spent days at a time together before so we don't ever really get sick of each other like some people do. He lives closer to my school, which will come in handy for the next school year. We would be living with his parents temporarily until we both save up for our own place. We both have part-time jobs and I do side work with my grandma fixing up houses, babysitting, etc. And he does the same.I memtioned the idea to my sister and she went off on me saying how "Seventeen is too young to move out" even though she moved out at only fifteen. Sure, she isn't having the best of luck right now but still...I would just love some outside opinions on this situation. If you guys have any questions about my situation here please feel free to ask. Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 July 2012):
 Dear OP,
I didn’t expect you to type it out but I’m very very VERY glad you ran the numbers and can see that your plan while good is a bit premature…. I make a very very good living.. I own my own home and I’m always worried about money… and to be honest MONEY is critical to make live work… being short on mandatory bills like food clothing and shelter so that there is NOTHING for fun is very stressful on even the best relationships… I am glad I was able to help!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who posted, by the way. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the advice.
I think I'm going to continue living with my parents but stay with my boyfriend on occasion, one because of what has been said here and two because I sat down and did the math and the numbers just don't add up. I don't make enough combined with my boyfriendnjust yet to support us.
I apologize for getting frustrated and seeming short-sighted here.
@So_Very_Confused, not going to type out all the numbers but like I said, did the math for myself and... wow I'm a few hundred bucks short of everything necessary to run my own life and save for school.
But again, thank you to all of those who responded. Special thanks to BondGirl72 for so many responses and being so helpful.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 July 2012):
 It may not be the best environment, but for now, I would continue to "live" at home and "stay" with your boyfriend on occasion. If things get bad at home, you can always go to your boyfriend's. The thing we are wanting you to do is think about your options. You seem to be a well-adjusted person, despite any dysfunction in your home. Stay home to live, stay with your boyfriend if/when you have to, continue to save money for college and for when you actually do move out. Are you leaving for college? If so, this will give you an out. As far as the other posters telling you not to move in, it is still sound advice. You are well-adjusted and healthy, you have one year to go until graduation, you will then be going to college. You need to save every last penny for your future. Keep all of your options open. Just to give you an idea, I just paid for the license plate for my car. It was $203.00 just by itself. Obviously I do not know if you would be sharing a car with your boyfriend, but it would be someone's expense (yours or his). This is for ONE LICENSE PLATE. Add everything else on top of it and that is what you would be responsible for. What we are trying to tell you is live at home and endure the enivironment and save some money until you do not have to rely on the help of others for anything.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 July 2012):
Your sister is right.. she moved out at 15 and she KNOWS from experience that this is a bad idea.
Let me ask you some questions that you need to answer (for yourself if not to us to prove to us that you know what you are doing)
THERE are some folks that at 17 have no choice but to be on their own… you case is not one of them…
Just because you spend days at a time together does not mean that you should be together running a home.
Living with his parents makes you a drain on them… so it’s ok to be a drain on them but not your parents? IF you live somewhere else and are not emancipated (and if you don’t know what that means then you are not ready to be on your own) then your parents are still legally financially responsible for you and they will have to cover your health care, and other expenses… pretty much paying CHILD support to your boyfriend’s parents who would have CUSTODY of you as a CHILD (you are under 18 legally you are a child)….
IF your home is failing to make ends meet with 4 paychecks why do you think leaving them will make a difference?
Let me ask you these questions:
How much is rent/mortgage now?
What will it be when you get your own place?
How much are you making at your job?
Can this job afford to pay rent, buy food, pay utilities, purchase medical care and other needs?
What about tv/internet/phone service… who will cover that?
How much is first month rent, last month rent and all the security deposits you will need (you will need security deposits for an apartment, utilities and who knows what else)
What about insurance…. And transportation???
How do you expect to support yourself while in college?
Where do you plan to live?
Why is living with his parents better for YOUR family?
I'm sorry... I think your idea is flawed on many levels the first one being that you are selfish and thinking only of yourself and part of being an adult is being selfless for those you love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I was going to leave this stuff out because this is very personal, but given that everyone here seems to think I'm just running away from my problems, here's another detail about my parents: they're both drug addicts. My mother smokes pot and my dad is a pill freak and there have been times when we only have a few bucks and they spend them on cigarettes or pills or pot. My dad only recently stopped doing even worse drugs. That's why I don't lik this environment. And because they're constantly fighting and bringing me into everything. And this isn't a company my father built, just one he works for so he gets even less from all of it when it goes under.Maybe living with my boyfriend isn't the smartest decision but what I came here to ask was is this environment better? I withheld this information before because it is very personal but everyone here seems to be looking at me as if I'm just a silly girl who wants to live with her boyfriend. That isn't true. I've been taking care of myself since I was twelve. The only reason I say my boyfriend and not a family memeber is because he is the only one who livea close enough so that I don't have to change high schools my senior year.This isn't at all about me wanting to run off into la la land with my boyfriend. Just wanted to clear that up.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 July 2012):
So let me get this straight. If your family is starving because they can't afford food, you are just going to run off with your boyfriend to be in a more positive environment? Let's hope that if/when you have your own life/family you do not fall on hard times like your family has, and then have a daughter who does not see this as real life but a "negative environment" she does not want to subject herself to. I am sorry, but when the times get tough here, that is when we come closer together, we don't abandon people we care about. We live in the United States, and while accepting help is not something many people like to do, there are legitimate reasons to have to go to a food bank or get temporary food stamps. I am still not sure how moving in with ANYONE will help the situation. You move from one situation where money is short to another situation where money is short. Plus, you have no guarantees you will stay with this boyfriend.
I hope in your own life you never get sick or have a business you built yourself go under. Then I hope you are lucky enough to have a family who cares and does not abandon you, but who stays committed to you and tries to help you.
This is what LIFE is. It is not running off with your boyfriend when times get tough.
Many have given you very reflective answers to your questions here. Apparently answers you did not want as you have already made up your mind.
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female
reader, Heyshorty16 +, writes (11 July 2012):
 My best advice would be don't move out, your family needs all the support they can get. Cut back on things to ease the money situation and if that doesn't work try working. Get a job and just try to earn a little more money for your family. Don't go away from the situation because alot can go wrong if you leave already, You risk the chance of pregnancy and struggling to make money to afford a place. Don't put yourself in that situation it only makes it worse. Just try and work out a plan with your family and your boyfriend and maybe he can help you guys out too. Just hang in there you and your family will stick together and rise above this problem, remeber you have to hit bottom and it has to get worse before it gets better.
Best wishes for you and your family, I hope this helps and things work out!
:-)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): "Should I move in with my b/f to ease family's fiancial burden?"
If you move in with your boyfriend, then you will almost certainly end up quickly getting yourself knocked up with a kid neither you nor your parents can afford.
Agree with Tisha, in that it appears you're both looking to run away from your family's problems and live a fantasy world with your boyfriend.
Making an ill-advised, foolish, irresponsible decision for all the wrong reasons will only add to your parents' burdens, not ease them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer some questions: My sister does have a job, but it doesn't pay very well and she only works a few days a week because that's all that is availableMy fathers business is virtually dead because it's a printing company. With computers making paper more obsolete the amount of work has declinedMy mother is on sick leave from her work. They are not paying her for this time off and may very well fire her, despite the fact that she is sick, cancelling her insuranceEvery penny I make is split in two, one half going completely to my family amd the other half going to a college fund I refuse to dip intoMy sister does the same thingI already try to help around the house with chores and such but more often than not my mom doesn't let me because she has OCD (diagnosed) and doesn't think I'm doing any of it rightStill, with four different paychecks coming in, we fail to make ends meet to the point where it's difficult to afford food. It may sound selfish, but I just don't think this environment is healthy for me. I have spoken to my parents about the possibility of me movong out and they were amgry but understood my reasoning and are undecidedWith that additional info, amyone else have other comments?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): I don't think it's a good idea. if you consider yourself a 'financial drain' on your family, how does moving out help except by transferring that burden onto another family i.e. your boyfriend's?? I mean, if you can't support yourself yet - and you're only 16-17 so it's totally normal that you're not independent yet - then moving out only means you're now becoming dependent on someone else, right? someone still has to be supporting you since you're not old enough to be independent.this wouldn't be a very nice thing to do to your bf or his family. It would be using him/them for their money. Even if they do have enough money to afford to support you, it's still taking advantage of them.I'm sure your bf will be just as thrilled to live with you as you would to live with him (for now!), but the principle of it is that it's still 'using' him and his family for their money and their ability to support you. that's not a very nice thing. when you and your bf eventually get into arguments (as all couples do if they are long term or serious), he can hold this against you.If your family is going through financial hardships and you want to help ease their burden, the more practical and appropriate thing to do is to work harder at your part time job and use that money to contribute to your family's daily expenses such as buying groceries and paying for your mom's medical bills. that's how you can take care of the 'financial drain' issue.
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 July 2012):
I would be very careful about moving in with a boyfriend at this stage in your life. I know you love him, but a lot of things can change when two people move in together. Are you ready for those things? Are you ready to pay all of your own bills?
I think Tisha has the right idea. Why don't you stay with you parents and help them out physically, emotionally, and financially. I am sure they do not see you as a financial burden. They see you as their daughter. I believe they would be very hurt if you moved out right now when they need you the most. If you have a job, you could also donate a small portion of your earnings to help out financially, go grocery shopping, or something that needs to be done so they don't have to worry about it.
I would also agree with your sister...17 is young to move out and be responsible for all of your own bills, rent, food, insurance (both health and auto), etc. Living on your own is very expensive so don't wish for it too soon. Take care, and I hope we have helped you with your dilemma.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 July 2012):
 Wouldn't it make more sense for you to help your mother out and lift your father's spirits by being present and helpful? Your dad's company is on a decline, lots of companies go through this and bounce back. You've declared his job dead though it actually hasn't stopped breathing.
It seems to me that you're running from your family's problems and have a bit of a fantasy about how wonderful living with your boyfriend would be.
If you can manage to wait one year, you can move in with your boyfriend on your own (assuming he's 18 too) and pay for your own meals and rent and utilities and cars and gas and insurance with the money you make on your own.
For the record, all kids are financial drains, it's considered normal and part of parenting. Your parents signed up for this. Respect them enough to give them the courtesy of parenting until their job is done. It isn't quite yet, you can't actually live on your own with your boyfriend, you'd just be moving your expenses to your boyfriend's family, which honestly isn't all that fair.
Wait a year. It'll be clearer then. In the meantime, help out your mom and dad as much as you can. Just doing chores, vacuuming, keeping the house clean, doing laundry, cooking, doing the shopping, those things would be worth a fortune if they had to pay someone outside to come in and do those tasks. Pull your weight by offering those items and the premise of your question winds up being, "I want to live with my boyfriend." Which most of us did at age 17. We just knew it wasn't the best idea, no matter how smashing and fabulous our boyfriends were.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (11 July 2012):
Hi there.
As you are doing some paid work with your grandmother, are you also contributing to your household by paying some board?
If you are not, well then it would be difficult your parents paying for your meals etc.
Because your mother is sick, are you also saying that she isn't currently working?
So there is only your father's pay coming in each week then?
And because your sister and her husband are now also living there as well, they must be paying their way, surely?
Contributing to the food bill each week, and to the electricity bills as well?
Your brother in law is about to lose his job you said, and does your sister work?
So at the moment, there is some money coming in for them.
You need to talk about this with your parents really. That's assuming that so far, you haven't said anything.
And when you do, say why you are thinking about moving in with your boyfriend's family and that it would be easier on them for the food bills.
And see what they say.
Even if you are paying board to them at the moment, of the two, the food bill would be much greater than the board you pay, anyway.
Whatever happens, you do need to say to them of your intentions - and why.
It's not that you don't want to live with them anymore, more that you feel it would be financially easier for them if there was one less mouth to feed.
It sounds like your father's job will soon end, so if he can't find another one within 3 months, he will almost certainly have to apply for social security, and especially as your brother in law is about to lose his job also.
Your brother in law might also have to join the social security queue.
These are very tough times right now, and will probably remain this way for quite some time, unfortunately.
It might even be wise for your father and your brother in law to consider visiting social security before they lose their jobs, to get the whole process started.
Because there needs to be money coming in, and you must eat and there are always bills to be paid.
So what I am saying, is for them to NOT wait until they ae jobless, before applying for social security.
And maybe when your mother is more healthy, she might be able to apply for some part time work to help with the bills also.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (11 July 2012):
 I agree with your sister, don't move out, especially don't move out for the reasons you have cited, as I believe this will only add to your family's stress level, your parents don't need the added burden of believing they are incapable of taking care of you.
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