A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with the same man for almost 4 years, we're together every other weekend, one night during the week and every Sunday evening. We talk almost every evening, but that's usually because I'm the caller. Over the last year my texts go unanswered for hours as his schedule gets more chaotic and after some whining and numerous blow-ups about not receiving responses within a reasonable time frame, I have given up and realize that yes, he is a professional and quite busy during the day. I, too, am busy, but am of the belief that texts sometimes are better than phone calls because you can say a simple word or two to make someone smile and let them know you're thinking about them. I am dealing with an ex-wife that gouges him for money and continually takes him back to Court. I have always been supportive, assisting with whatever he needs to get to his attorney, or his accountant, etc. I do it because I love him, because I want to and it's the right thing to do. I would have to say that over the last several months something is changing in him, there are a group of neighbors and they are all fun, happy go lucky people, all of us are in the early to late 40's and me and my boyfriend are the only ones with children, although my boyfriend being on the non-custodial side, things are different in that respect, but these happy go lucky neighbors are constantly outside drinking and carrying on, so much so that one evening my boyfriend and I came home from dinner late at night and one of the neighbors was drunk outside stumbling around looking for her cat as her husband was passed out on the couch - our evening finished spending over an hour looking for their cat, having a few beers while looking and then off to bed. The neighbors have become such a relevant part of his life, a) because they obviously see him every day after work; b) they have social memberships at the country club and invite him to go swimming on the weekends (seems more so on the weekends when I'm not there); c) continually invite him out to the bars and for dinner (again, more so on the weekends when I'm with my children). Here's my problem, when I don't have my children I am with him, I want to be with him, even after 4 years, I look forward to being with him. On the other hand, his kids relocated out of state with his ex-wife, so his every other weekends are a little more freed-up as he has his kids once a month now as opposed to every other weekend. We have both introduced the other to our children, relationships are building, but repeatedly lately I have asked him to come out on a weekend when I have my kids to spend time with us and he'll say "You know I have to work, I have get get my dictation done" and it is true, but then he winds up going to the country club with the neighbors, or out for dinner and then to the bars, etc. and he always says it was last minute. It upsets me in ways that he can't even understand. How is it that I can willingly spend all of my available time going to see him, but yet he doesn't do the same for me? I know that he works all of the time at the office and from home and that he should go out and enjoy himself, but I get so angry because I feel like he is having more fun with the neighbors, that he can just let go and be free of his girlfriend, the nonsense with his ex-wife and work. The one neighbor even told me in a joking manner, I don't want you to go to the pool, I can't stand next to you in a bathing suit, I would be too embarrassed. So I don't think that I'm a Debbie Downer that they don't want me to go, I will say, however, that I can only have a few drinks before I'm ready to go to bed, so I can't "run with the big dogs" nor do I want to because waking up the next day hung-over is not something that I want to do repeatedly and I don't know how they do it. I just feel as if he my boyfriend has the best of both worlds, he has his girlfriend who drives to see him on a regular basis, then there's the other side of him where he can go out with this group of people and appear to be the "single" guy. I don't go to bars without him, in fact, I usually cancel my plans because he'll say "don't want to see me baby?" I know the obvious is I make it too easy for him, I'm always available for him and I don't want to play a game of "oh, I won't call and wait to see if he calls" - but I do need to start becoming independent, separate from him but I don't know how - my girlfriends say I have no back bone, that I need to make him chase me and I just don't know how to become stronger and to know that I will be ok if I don't talk to him every day, or if he goes out with his neighbors and gets drunk and takes 2 days to recover - I need to stop being so available but I don't want to make it a game. Can you help me, words of encouragement, wisdom, something?Desperate to find happiness!!!
View related questions:
drunk, ex-wife, his ex, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (12 July 2012):
Hi. As you have said, "Yes", you probably do too much for him.
The more you do for him, the more he probably expects you will do - an assumption he will make.
For instance, taking the papers to his lawyer whenever that is necessary.
Although it helps him, you need to stop doing that and if he "ASKS" you to take some papers to his lawyer again, well then simply say to him - "I can't, I'm busy today." And leave it at that.
And if he doesn't directly ask you to take stuff to his lawyer, well then DON'T offer.
Even if he hints without asking you directly, still DO NOT offer - or else say to him - "I can't help you there, I have to do a few things today and I am really busy."
DON'T give any details, he doesn't have to know. Even if you are free all day, still say you can't help him.
The point I am really making here, is the more you offer to do things for him, the more he is going to keep on asking you.
And just supposing that he doesn't ask, and you always offer, well STOP doing that altogether.
Just DON'T offer at all, from now on.
That is his responsibility, and NO-ONE else's - no matter how busy he is or says that he is, still refuse - respectfully - to offer help.
Sometimes, the more you do for a person, the more they expect - and it becomes like it's their God given right to expect it.
So don't feed his ego anymore, it's just NOT necessary.
Even if you say that you do it in the name of "Love", still don't do it.
And I realize this isn't what you want to hear, however the more you offer to do and the more you actually do, the more he expects it - which really means that he is taking favours by you, for granted.
Which then equates to taking YOU for granted.
And that is surely, NOT what you want.
So ease off on that, or better still STOP offering and doing favours altogether.
And instead, let him do things for you - if he will, that is.
It won't make him love you any less, if that is your fear.
And supposing he did get angry over your decline to do things for him, well that makes him very shallow indeed, doesn't it?
Surely, your relationship is based upon much more, than you just helping him out - because he is so busy with his business.
It could have become that he now feels somewhat reliant on your help, because he knows you will pretty much just drop everything, to do whatever he asks of you.
Refrain from doing that from now on.
Let him manage his own life.
That is NOT your job.
If he is so busy with his business, and I have no doubt that is true, well then perhaps he needs to hire an office assistant to do all the paperwork, filing, plus the banking, mail collection, bills paying and any other odd jobs - such as the paperwork to the lawyer.
If he doesn't have one already, well then perhaps he should consider hiring an admin assistant for 2 or 3 days of every week, which could make a tremendous difference to his working day.
And it would allow him some free time, as well.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 July 2012):
 I know the words are painful as I had to endure that myself. I never really thought of coming online to get advice when I was in my situation, and even if I would have, I think it was a process with my ex that I needed to work through myself. I needed to see how self-centered he really was. It really was ME doing all of the work. That is something that eats away at you a little bit each day even if you feel he loves. I believed my ex loved me too, but I guess this is where some people will say "sometimes love is not enough". My ex would not change even when I reasonably told him the problem. I know how you are feeling, but I got to the point where I was so bitter and hurt that I actually felt relieved when I wasn't in his presence. When a man doesn't iniate or plan anything, or isn't motivated to return calls/tests, it makes you feel really unappreciated and neglected. I had to come the conclusion that my guy really wasn't that into me either...and it hurt like hell.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much, I appreciate your time and answers and trust me I've known for a long while that I do too much for him like a mom, a girlfriend, a babysitter, a maid, but I think some women are built that way, a caretaker. He has come out to my house, but typically for diving. We both dive and there's a quarry in my town and he usually will spend the night and go the following morning to meet a friend if I have my kids and cannot go. He recently came out and I had taken my son to his baseball game and he stayed behind and hung out with my daughter, went shopping and cooked, so that felt really great, like it was all connecting.
I know he loves me and he is very attentive when I'm with him, but once I'm out of sight...I'm definitely out of mind. His mother and best friend have complained to me about the unreturned phone calls or texts, so I'm not the only one he will single out and "neglect". And I think that's what's so hard is that the love and attention is there when I'm with him, but as soon as I walk out the door, I know he turns his mind back to work. I am the total opposite of his ex-wife, she is a high maintenance, expects everything to be handed to her and puts people down. I, on the other hand, am a little more low maintenance, I have expectations but not unrealistic ones. I get along with everyone, I'm not overdone or over the top. The words are very painful to hear that "he's just not that into you", etc. I feel the same way and it is a horrible way to live life, especially the second time around. His mom says he suffers from only child syndrome, but I think there's another word for that, "narcissism". I know he is one, but I don't believe he knows it, so knowing that perhaps that means I have self-inflicted and don't know how to become myself again. I will definitely let him take the responsibility wheel and see what happens, if he chooses to do so.
Thank you so much again!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): "How is it that I can willingly spend all of my available time going to see him, but yet he doesn't do the same for me?"This is the common problem which is that one person in the relationship is a lot more into the relationship than the other. that's all there is to it, really. He *could* spend more time with you, but he simply prefers not to. He simply is not as emotionally invested in you as you are into him. The relationship is unbalanced."I know that he works all of the time at the office and from home and that he should go out and enjoy himself, but I get so angry because I feel like he is having more fun with the neighbors, that he can just let go and be free of his girlfriend, the nonsense with his ex-wife and work. "It's pointless to get angry at your partner for not *wanting* to be with you. It just means that you have chosen the wrong person to invest yourself in.If the person who is more into the relationship has been creating headaches for the other over their lack of interest (I'm referring to your "whining" and "blow ups" over his not texting you enough), that's only going to further sour the non-interested partner on the whole idea of being in this relationship. The relationship has, in his eyes, become a source of stress and unpleasantness.that's only going to make him want even more to be 'free' from you. But I'm sure he's still happy to use you for the services you provide that makes his life more convenient. The thing is, the more you do for him, the more upset you are at his lack of interest in you. So, STOP doing so much for him!! But I also think you need to go a step further than simply making yourself less available. You need to actually emotionally invest less into this relationship than you are now. there is a difference: If you're holding back from calling him only because you're hoping this will somehow induce him to make more effort, then all you're doing is playing mind games and trying to manipulate his behavior while still being highly invested in the outcome. So if it backfires and he doesn't draw closer to you instead he's just happy to revel in the additional space you're now giving him, you're going to be even more upset than you are now. If you want to be less upset, you need to change your whole mindset toward him and this relationship. that's not easy, but it's more within your control to accomplish than to "make" him feel and behave differently. You can't control other people, you can only control yourself. You need realize that he is just not as into you as you are into him. Yes this is painful and it's only natural to try to 'make' him be more invested, but you can't really. You can whine and get mad and insist that he call you more or whatnot, and you may even succeed in 'making' him spend more time with you but if it's under these conditions it's only because he wants you to shut up. That's not bringing him any 'closer' to you in reality and it will only be temporary anyhow because it's not born of his own genuine desire.in the end, it's only normal that we all want to be in relationships where we feel appreciated and wanted. if your partner doesn't want you, it's hurtful and a blow to your self esteem. I've been there - I've been in a relationship where I realized that I was his lowest priority. it really is an awful feeling. While the natural reaction might be to try to 'force' him to want you or behave as if he does (thinking that this will mean he does), it still doesn't change the bottom line which is that if your partner isn't interested anymore then it really ins't possible to have the kind of relationship with them that you want. So you either need to lower your expectations to where you can be sincerely happy with what you have (not just grudgingly accepting what you have while being upset the whole time), or find a new relationship with someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (11 July 2012):
 Frankly I don't think he will chase you. He seems to like the convenience of ready-made entertainment, no effort required. This could be in part, because the rest of his life, i.e. his career is so structured he needs the uncomplicated, craziness of his neighbors to keep him from being so serious and bored with his life. I also wonder if he's just not that into you. Perhaps you seem too serious for him and that's what he's running from in his own way. You need to think about the type of woman his ex-wife was too. If she is kind of serious bingo, that is probably where things went off track. Take a good look at your relationship and be objective. If you want to make this work you may have to adapt. Otherwise the two of you could very well want different things out of life and therefore don't have much in common. It's not that you have to change completely but sometimes woman tend to be more committed to setting a good example for their kids that they lose sight of how to have fun and be spontaneous. I know when I got with my current husband I had to take stalk of my habits and I realized I was a bit uptight. When did that happen? But he has been a great influence on me because he helped me get in touch with my more carefree, happy side and believe me it's alot more fun! You don't even have to become a drunk, just drink a glass of water in between alcholic drinks which will keep you hydrated and prevent you from getting too sloshed. And P.s. your body does build up a tolerance for alcohol if you drink a little more frequently then you won't be falling asleep after 2 drinks. Also instead of inviting him out to your house when you have your kids there, why not take the kids to him? They can swim at the pool at the Country Club and maybe he'll tone down the party while they are there. I hope it works out for you. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 July 2012):
When you are in a relationship with someone, it is normal that you expect them to call to see how you are, ask you to do things, and be thoughtful. If a parter isn't doing that, he isn't that interested. Like Tisha, I too had a boyfriend like this. It is heartbreaking to finally realize that you have been doing all of the work in the relationship and the one person you thought you could trust "checked-out". Please don't waste your time trying to analyze his behavior as he probably isn't giving you a second thought. I have heard the "I'm busy, I have lots of work to do" excuse more times than I care to admit. When they start saying that it is their excuse that they don't want to be there anymore, but they don't have the courage to break it off. I would take your lead from Tisha and tell your guy what she told hers. See what your man does and then make your final decision after that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (11 July 2012):
Hi there. I think you do make yourself too available to him and all that you do in taking documents to his lawyers etc.
And driving there to see him all the time, is you doing all the giving and him doing all the taking.
And my understanding, is that this is pretty much how it always goes, is that right?
So he never, or hardly ever, drives to your place to see you?
Your lifestyles, are quite different, aren't they?
And that is because his ex and their children, live interstate, which gives him a lot of freedom on a weekend, doesn't it?
Plus his long hours at the office, and then continuing on with more work yet again, once he gets home - he doesn't have a lot of free time during the week, does he?
So then what happens, is his fun loving neighbours, get talking to him and ask him to the country club to drink and socialize, is an offer he can't refuse - because it's so easy.
He sees it as a good way to unwind, and so he just says "Yes" to the offer, almost every time.
From now on, don't text him as much - or even better, let him send you a text instead.
And just say you send a reply to one of his texts and don't receive a response from him, well then don't go on sending more and more - just leave it until he does reply.
Sending more and more texts, hoping to get him to respond sooner, will probably only annoy him and he might make you wait even longer.
Less, is very often more.
Let him initiate any texts from now on.
You can reply when you feel like it, that's up to you.
And DON'T offer to take his legal documents to the lawyer. He can do that himself - it really is his responsibility - NOT yours!
No matter how busy he is, he can MAKE time to go to see his lawyer himself.
The more you do for him the more he expects, that seems clear.
And the less he needs to do. He doesn't even need to try!
And you don't even know whether he even appreciates what you do for him, do you?
Sometimes you give an inch, and they take a mile!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 July 2012):
 "Sorry, I'm not able to take you to your attorney today, something came up and I'll be too busy."
"I won't be able to hang out with you this weekend, I've got some things I need to get done and it's too hectic to try to plan quality time with you."
As one of the aunts here puts it so well, stop rowing the relationship boat and see what happens. Give him a little heads up first, to be courteous: "John, I'm feeling like I'm doing all the planning for our time together, and I don't want to become resentful about that. So much so that I'm going to let you lead the relationship for the next few months. You will be the one initiating dates and contact and I will be there with you when you do. I look forward to a 'responsibility' break, I hope you understand." And then sit back and see what happens.
I had a boyfriend like this once. I realized he was happy for me to do the work and had his plate full with all his friends and hobbies and work too. Well, so did I. When I got sick of sitting home alone on a weekend for the umpteenth time, I finally told him I didn't feel as though I had a boyfriend, so I was making it official. He didn't fight to keep me too much, which was disappointing but then I didn't waste any more of my precious time waiting for him.
Stop rowing the relationship boat. See what happens. Don't hang out with the neighbors if you don't really like to drink. Hang out with your own friends. I'm sure you still have them, you may just have been neglecting the ones who love you just the way you are. Go reconnect with them, okay?
Good luck.
...............................
|
