A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey there, I'm in need of some advice. I'll be 18 in June. Don't let that deceive you I'm a very put together kind of girl. I would say I'm very mature for my age but how many times do you hear teens say that? Anyways, I'm with this guy, shocker, and we've been together for quite sometime now. He turned 20 this past December. I really like him, I'd say the L word but I said that once before and I don't want to make it a habit I want it to mean something, he wants me to move in with him when I'm 18. Not right away of course but sometime soon after. I think I'm the one that brought it up before but now he's completely into it. I'd like to for a few reasons but I'm sort of hesitant. Reasons being;our schedules aren't really compatible so more time together, I get better sleep knowing he's right besides me, I'll be on my own so I'll have more responsibilities, and for the simple fact that he just makes me happy. The things that make me hesitant is what if it turns out bad and ruins what we have together, he takes care of his 90year old dad (he really is 90 on the dot)So I feel uncomfortable if I want to bring a girlfriend over to hang out, or I want to raise up my music while I clean. Not only that but my boyfriend gets agitated fairly easy so regardless if it's me that upset him or not I'm like his punching bag. It's not serious to the point where he yells at me or anything he's just annoying, he's not the only one I have some things to work on too, which draws me right back to should I move in with him? I'm not sure if the good outweighs the bad or the other way around. Should I take the chance? I really want to but I'm not sure what would be the right choice. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (19 March 2012):
 OK well you have only been together as a couple 6 months, regardless of how long you have known him being in a relationship is very different to just 'knowing' someone. So in that respect it is WAY too soon to be moving in, you are rushing this and anything that you rush into is always set to fail.
If you are both going to be at college, how will you afford to rent/buy a place? Having a house/flat is expensive, so realistically you would both have to work a lot of hours to afford the rent and bills, which would compromise your time to study and mean that you may not end up doing well at college. Living with parents while studying is always the best option because a) it saves you money and b) gives you more time to study rather than being distracted by your boyfriend all the time. And please dont tell me you have 'savings' as that is lovely for a deposit, but wont last more than a couple of months so you will end up with no money, struggling to work enough hours to pay the bills and your college work will suffer.
You didnt answer any questions about his 90 year old dad - be honest here, is he really 90? The liklihood of a man aged 70 even being able to (sorry to say this) get an erection is so slim that him being able to father a child is quite ridiculous. So it seems a bit far fetched this 90 year old dad story.
But if by some miracle a 70 year old man had a child and then aged 76 still managed to single handedly raise a child once he lost his wife, well do you really want the responsiblity of becoming a carer for an elderly man? Moving in with your boyfriend should be one of the most exciting times of your life, it should be just the two of you getting to be together all the time. But if his dad does live with your boyfriend (you didnt confirm this in your follow up either) then you will have to help out looking after his dad.
How does his dad feel about you moving in? I personally dont think it is very fair on a man of 90 to have to live with a stranger (yes you are a stranger, even if he has known you for years you are just his son's girlfriend and he doesnt know you well). He is clearly ill and needs care, having a young female in the house will make him uncomfortable - he wont be able to relax in his own home if you are around. He is too old for that kind of change in his life, he is very old and needs his family at this stage in life, not some teenage girl who is going to make the atmosphere in the house very different.
I know in your head it seems like a good idea to move in with him, and I dont blame you for thinking that because living with a boyfriend is exciting. But it soon becomes all about chores, cleaning, cooking, tidying up (boys are messy)...added to that you will have the pressure of caring for a 90 year old man too. You will have to get a job to help pay for bills, food, rent etc. Your college work will suffer and you wont be able to live the life of a normal 18 year old. You wont be able to have friends around, you wont be able to go out partying because you couldnt come home late and wake up his dad....your life will just become that of a middle-aged housewife and you wont like it.
Too many girls have this romantic dream of living with their boyfriend in their head but they get a massive shock when they do actually move in together, because it is not romantic at all and you just get stuck in a routine of chores, work and college.
Dont rush to grow up so soon, if you are planning on being with your boyfriend forever then you have many years ahead of you. Be a teenager and do all the normal things a 17/18 year old would do. Dont fall into the life of a houswife at 18, you will end up resenting your boyfriend and it will eventually ruin your relationship. Wait a year or two and see how you are getting on then, you will be older and wiser, college will be nearly done and you will be in a much better place to make this kind of decision.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis mother passed when he was 6. We've known each other for a good five years and starting going out this pass September. He does work and is going to college with me this summer. I have my GED and I'm going back to college like I said this summer. We have discussed our future together and I'd be staying with him. I do really like him and I'd like to say the L word, I'm just scared to. He knows how I feel about him and he says he loves me all the time. I still have a three maybe four months to decide. I know this seems outrageous or, how "CindyCares" put it, loony. But the more I think about it the more I want to.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2012):
 You are 18 and he is 20… so his dad fathered him when he was 70…. Where is his mother? She has to be much younger….. why does she not care for this man?
HOW long have you been seeing him? Why would you sleep better knowing he was beside you… what’s so magical about someone stealing the covers and kicking you out of bed and sweating up the sheets and waking up to pee in the middle of the night or getting a drink and waking you up???
You want to say you are mature but you can’t even manage to say LOVE you call it the L Word… like it’s a dirty word…
I can assure you that what you want at 18 is NOT what you want at 30…. And that it will probably turn out bad….
Are you still in high school? What are the plans when you graduate? Do you graduate this year?
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 March 2012):
I think more information is needed here.
1. How long have you been together? Quite sometime isnt really helpful
2. Have you discussed the future i.e. marriage, kids etc?
3. Are you still at school/going to college etc? Or do you work?
4. Does your boyfriend work? or go to college?
5. Where are you planning on living?
6. Does his 90 year old dad live with your boyfriend?
It worries me that you said "I love you" yet, really liking someone is nowhere near enough to move in together!
If you could give more information that would be great.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 March 2012):
 I can't ever for the life of me get why girls your age are so keen to go play house ,and cook and clean for some guy they barely know ( "quite sometime " in teens speak generally means a few months or one year at most ). You'll have plenty of time for domestic bliss later on. If you feel your own home and parents are becoming a little " tight " on you, then spread your wings, and go live on your own and be your own person ! Or if you can't afford it, share a place with friends or just roommates. But going to play wifey for a guy that you are not even sure you are so crazy about, and that get easily " agitated " whatever this means... I would not do it, and I would not have done it at your age, not even at gunpoint.
In your case then, regardless of my personal preferences, it does not sound objectively like such a great plan. If I got it right, he LIVES with his 90 y.o. dad ? Not to be uncompassionate, but that IS a lot of baggage !, and it DOES entails lots of restrictions and adjustements for a young person. Now, if he were your own dad or granddad, there would be a point in accepting ,in fact gladly embracing living together with all its limitations- and sharing taking care of him ( because , ca va sans dire, that's part of the deal, it will be inevitable ) . But doing it for your BF's dad ?.. For a guy that , 9 out of 10, you won't be with anymore five years from now, and that even right now you are not so greatly compatible with ?... Sorry but to me it sounds just loony.
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