A
female
age
36-40,
*unset0000
writes:HiI'm meeting up with my ex this weekend. I only went out with him for a few months back in 2004, we split up because I felt that there wasn't that spark there, plus it was a long distance between us. I've been with my current boyfriend since December 2004 and I met up with my ex last year which was the first time since we'd split. We had a great time and really got on like we'd never been apart. He hugged me and stuff and said he fancied me still but then he went out with someone else. The thing is, although we have a really deep friendship, he can annoy me so I'm not thinking that I love him properly but recently I've been getting jealous when he talks about girls that show and interest in him, or that he shows an interest in. I don't know if it's just cos I get so insecure and just want him to still like me and get jealous cos I feel others are taking my place. I'm really confused though because I do have a boyfriend but he is alot older and I'm wondering if it's just cos my ex is my age and I feel comfortable with him because I can relate to him a bit more and he understands me a bit more. How do I know if what I'm feeling for my ex is friendship love or more? I don't want to feel this way because I have a boyfriend.
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insecure, jealous, long distance, my ex, spark, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (10 May 2007):
 Put it this way: if your boyfriend could read what you wrote here do you think he'd still be 'fine with it'?
If the answer to that question is 'no' then you are in dangerous territory.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): Well I guess it is great that you have so much trust in your relationship. I am like you in that a girl I went out with for 4 years is my best friend, I don't refer to her as an ex either, it just sounds a bit of an injustice to the bond that we have. I couldn't imagine being with a women who would be happy with me spending the weekend with her in a hotel though, you're very lucky to be able to have both :)
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A
female
reader, Sunset0000 +, writes (9 May 2007):
Sunset0000 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice. I know it sounds bad but we did it last year too and my boyfriend was fine then as well. If he said he really didn't want me to go then I wouldn't but because my ex...i don't like to call him that really because he is really a good friend...is from up north and 4 hours away it is easier for us to meet half way and stay the weekend. I have asked my boyfriend again if this is ok and he said he trusts me so is fine with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2007): You're meeting up and spending the weekend with your ex together in a hotel? No wonder you are feeling guilty. Isn't this just you cheating on your boyfriend? It sure sounds like it. I certainly can't think of anyone I know that would accept that kind of behaviour from their partner.Listen to that guilt - it's there for a reason.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (9 May 2007):
 Well my take on this is, if you have no "feelings" towards an ex anymore, then there is no harm in seeing them. However, advising your current partner is always a good thing since if you dont, they may think that you still have feelings for the person and it just gets messy. Being open and honest and even inviting them to go with you also shows that there is nothing to hide.
If on the otherhand you have feelings for the person still, this is not a good idea. Seeing them again will only highten your feelings for them and is not fair on any current partner.
I have no problems with my boyfriend speaking and seeing his ex because I trust him and know that there is definately no feelings there. So I know i am safe. He also tells me when he's seen her or spoken to her, again making me feel at ease that he's not hiding anything from me.
You have to remember an ex is an ex for a reason. Going back for a second helping is just more heartache for more than just you, for your new partner too.
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A
female
reader, Sunset0000 +, writes (9 May 2007):
Sunset0000 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe problem is myself and my ex are really good friends so I'm wondering if it's just that that I'm feeling. We chat on the phone but hardly see each other, because of the distance. I really want to see him and my current boyfriend is ok about this, but I understand what you say about it's probably best to avoid it. I'm just not sure I can. I guess I have to really work out what these feelings actually mean before I can make that decision but I've booked the room for us (we're having to meet half way at a travel lodge) and we're meant to be meeting this weekend.I do feel very guilty though just because I would absolutely hate it if my boyfriend met up with a girl, let alone for a weekend!!
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (9 May 2007):
Seeing your ex is not fair on your current boyfriend. Not when there is still some sexual / relationship tension between you two. Seeing him is also only going to make your feelings and confusion greater.
If you want to make your current relationship work, then don't see your ex but focus on your boyfriend. If you really do still have feelings for your ex, then you owe it to your current boyfriend to be honest about what is going on, and perhaps break up.
Exes are usually bad news. Best avoided unless you have no other choice.
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A
female
reader, Pork Hock  +, writes (9 May 2007):
First of all jealously isn't love. Neither is envy. You have a new man on the scene and this ex is testing you willpower to see who you are. Can you imagine if you were to turn around and say I'm happy with someone else now. It would completely put him into the earth. Don't you want a challenge with someone who can talk to you about different stuff outside of what the ex can talk to you about? While it feels flirtatious and to feel special with the ex, you know you are more mature that this?....
He knows you are seeing an older person I am sure and he is trying to just prove his status, not because of you or how he feels about you, but just to be right. That isn't the right answer. Stay away from the ex and see what you can make of a relationship with someone who clearly recognises you aren't just some 18 year old? He sees your maturity and responsibility. Any one can have a fling with a young lad. He is threatened by this maturity definition in life. If this older man is kind, is considerate to who you are, you don't need to be having a fling with the younger man.
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