A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently found out that my boyfriend cheated on me 1 time. We've been dating for nearly 5 years, and we recently got engaged. I found out that a year ago he slept with this girl, after major flirting went on between them for a few months (i.e., sending sexy texts back and forth). It does not seem that he planed on telling me his "secret," until I went and found out. Our relationship has been great / fine, and I had always thought we would marry, but now we have this between us, and I do not know what to do!!! Help! I really love him...but do I want to marry someone who betrayed me like that and intended to keep it a secret???
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cheated on me, engaged, flirt, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (31 July 2010):
 This isn't a situation where someone makes a mistake and gets caught up in the heat of the moment. Your fiance made a conscious effort to be unfaithful: he and this girl flirted and exchanged sexy messages FOR MONTHS, so it wasn't like he somehow accidentally ended up in this situation.
As scary as it may seem, you need to reconsider your relationship, or at least reconsider marrying this guy. After five years, he really may not be ready to settle down and spend his life with one person. And you definitely don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone capable of not only betraying you, but looking you in the eyes every day for a year and outright lying to you about what he's done.
You'd be a fool to become this man's wife.
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (28 July 2010):
 Kick him to the curb!! How can you love someone and commit such a profound act of betrayal? I would never speak to him again. People in relationships shouldn't hide serious things from each other. I don't want to hurt you but this guy broke your trust, and love needs trust to live, I couldn't have any peace in my heart if I were married to this rat.
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A
male
reader, lowercaseq +, writes (27 July 2010):
 I agree with chigirl .. call off the engagement and just stay in a boyfriend /girlfriend relationship.
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A
female
reader, tammarnie  +, writes (27 July 2010):
i can only imagine how you must feel but you have to ask the question 'can you live without him?' if you know he has cheated just one time and only one time then maybe you can accept that it was a very big mistake and you can try to rebuild what you have but you make sure he knows if ever it happened again you would leave him, no excuses. i would however put the wedding on hold for another year or two to see how things work out. if you do decide to give him a second chance then it will take some hard work because everytime he is late or doesn't pick up the phone you will assume the worse and it will eventually eat you up emotionally and that will destroy you both.you will have to make sure that everytime you have an argument this affair doesnt get mentioned. I think if you really do love him and everything was fine before this happened then you can only but try. i work with clients everyday with the same problem as yours and i can assure you some of these relationships end up better then ever but for some they can never forget, thats why i advise to hold off on the wedding until in your heart you have worked through everything. i wish you all the best
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Betrayal rots your core. The lack of trust will grow inside, and you will find yourself never feeling true, heartfelt love because of what has happened. I know it is hard to let him go...I'm sure everything else about his is good. And it is NOT true that cheaters always cheat. But he will need 100% of your love to not stray again, and you will never be able to give it because you will never fully trust him.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Don't marry him. He made a conscious choice to cheat on you. This defines his personality. He knew what he did was wrong. Yet he did it. He might be a great man otherwise, but do you want to live with this? Maybe it is better to call off the engagement and stay boyfriend/girlfriend for a while more, until you are sure you are able to forgive and forget. If you can't, then don't marry him.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (27 July 2010):
 So he made out with another woman, kissed her breasts, caressed her thighs, held her tightly against his body while he put himself into her body. It got hot and heavy, the lust, the guilt, the sweet feeling of a womans body. She moaned and grabbed his arms, kissed his neck...he came where? In her in the condom?
Lets be honest here hun, lets describe this exactly as it is. Don't use the term 'slept' so lightly, as there is a whole lot of actions that go behind it - the whole act of having sex.
Remember these details, remember he did them while in a relationship with you and then did NOT even tell you. Talk about sick. That is not love, he thinks he loves you, but you wouldn't do something like that (flirt for months and have sex) with someone if you were in love.
LEAVE HIM PLEASE!!!
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A
female
reader, Cattyxx  +, writes (27 July 2010):
I dont think that it is for us to prejudge him. Yes he cheated, but if you love him, want your future with him then maybe you just need to forgive him and marry him. Everyone makes mistakes, we all learn from them. If he loves you, he would make a change for you. I hope this helps :) Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 July 2010):
 What else is he hiding? For me, this would be a deal breaker.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (27 July 2010):
I would never marry him!
Remember the Mägo de Oz song lyrics "el alimento del amor es la confianza, el respecto, y un colchón" ( the food of love is trust, respect and a mattress)
Have you heard the song? I believe it, that if you love someone then you don't break their trust and that for love to grow and flourish, there must be trust.
I know you love him, but trust is part of love... and this guy can't be trusted. He sucks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Every person I know who went through a similar experience regrets marrying. That's one hundred percent.
You're pretty smart to come here and take a pre-marriage survey.
You know who to listen to on this one? Men. If a guy says don't do it, that's more reliable advice.
Hope to never see you here again; I mean that in a nice, Auntie Way...
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Cheaters, male or female, never cheat just one time. This is doubly true for anyone who does not confess to it willingly - the fact that they have you is more important to them than any moral concept such as "fidelity" or "honesty." Why not have your cake and eat it too, right?
If you are so attached to him that you could accept finding out that he cheated again after you get married, then by all means, marry him. Otherwise, politely return the engagement ring and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Don't do it hun, the fact he was able to keep it a secret for one year who's to say he wont do it again? You can't trust him, you know that as well as I. Don't do it.
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A
female
reader, katieleeds +, writes (27 July 2010):
Hi, don't even go there ! You will never trust him again, and it will drive you insane when he is not with you, wondering what he is doing, who he is with and thats not healthy is it ? - trust me, the same thing happened to me, and am so glad I finished it - it hurt like mad at first, but just keep telling yourself he cheated on you and lied to you. Best to be hurt for a while than a lifetime of misery ! I'm on my own now (maybe in time I will meet someone again) but would rather keep it that way than have the heartache.
Hope you meet someone in the future who will not do this to you ! Good luck xx
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Don't marry him.
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A
female
reader, cocoqueen88 +, writes (27 July 2010):
 well you have 2 options... #1 to just forget about him and move on and find someone who won't cheat on you...
or #2 forgive him and move forward in your realtionship. however if you choose to do that you have be prepared to never bring it up again and get some counciling in order to have a healthy realtionship agian
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