A
male
age
,
*umpdaddy
writes:My girlfriend and I have a very honest relationship. She is several years younger than I, she is 38.She was married for 10 years, cheated on her hubby and they divorced. She carried on with her lover for 7 years until his divorce was final, then he dumped her. It really shook her up. At that point she went somewhat wild. Had several one night stands, and was used by men who would lead her on until the sex thing wore off, then they too dumped her. She had 4 "friends with benefits" who got her involved in 3 somes. ( some involved two men and her, some involved her friend and another woman). She has pretty much done it all, including double penetration.We are so much in love. She had sworn off relationships, but feel in love with me. I know people can change, she sure seems to have changed. She seems to have changed back into a loving devoted partner, she once was.I too have a past, so I try not to what she did while she was single and having "fun." She told me she has busted her arse to become a better person. ( she is a great mother and has a great job with a major bank.) I know a lepard CAN change its spots, but I still am wondering what is bothering me. I don`t like to think of her past, but I am not sure why. In relationships, I am totally loyal, I am hoping she is too. Im am not quite sure if I am jealous of her past or envious of it. Oh , by the way, I have never been with a woman who`s libido is this high. Twice a day is normal with her.
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acne, divorce, her past, jealous, libido, one night stand Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (28 July 2010):
 You sound like a very caring, understanding man. No one is perfect and she has been through a lot. If what she says is true, I think you are very lucky to have found each other. I don't mean you to take this the wrong way, but at both of your ages, you are both no doubt going to have a sexual past, unless you were a nun/monk. It seems like you understand her and really care about and love who she is and are prepaired to accept her past. She is a very lucky lady. I just hope it goes well for you both and this is that lasting, genuine, loving relationship you've been looking for.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 One more thing: you're asking the question means that you don't want to be taken in. Do what one taxi driver once recommended to me: "love blindly, only with one good, open eye". But that applies to every relationship, not just this one, which I hope will be very successful.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (27 July 2010):
You're your own man. I agree with In Love with Love that apparently she has changed her ways. In my opinion, these doesn't sound like someone who is a pathological cheater, but, rather, someone who refused to "tie" herself to anyone.
She stayed for 7 years in an adulterous relationship. I am using the word "adulterous" here with every bad intention, because it was "adulterous" in the sense that she was cheating on her husband and the man was cheating on his wife, but she wasn't cheating on the Other Man. I wonder if I explain myself. If all she had wanted was sex, then certainly she wouldn't have remained all that time with Mr. Other Man.
Other Man dumping her must have hurt. She was with him for seven years and, when he was finally free, he left her. So this time she went for sex, when what she wanted was love. Many of us mistake one thing for the other. And then only too often people recommend that we date (that is, SLEEP) around to forget someone, as if the sex made us forget the love we didn't get.
Her opening up and letting you read her e-mail is a good sign. So is her saying that she was tired of the single life.
What would concern me is the kind of baggage this lady has. When we fall in love or infatuation we all believe that the person we are with is just right. We fail to see flaws and little lies that grow up and become big lies, et cetera. Everyone has little ways others regret. So, if the real you doesn't match the ideal you, something could happen. The great sex is a big thing, but also a big factor of confusion. Maybe more for you than it is for her.
I also can't help but notice that you feel this is a poor woman who is starved for love, and you want to give her just that. You might want to be her Knight in Shining Armor. Open your eyes and check you're with Fiona, not with the Dragon, all right, Shrek?
And one word of paranoia, I mean caution: I was once involved with a woman who gave me the password to her e-mail address and Messenger, but "forgot" to mention she had other two e-mail addresses and Messenger accounts. I noticed that it felt like I didn't have all the information and, yes, I didn't have all the information. Check that, all right?
In all, however, I think something good can be coming your way, and not necessarily because... well, you know why.
Good luck, man.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (27 July 2010):
Once again, marriage is the most important decision you will ever make in your life. Do you really think its a good idea going into it with the deck already stacked against you?
You need to break this down objectively. Write down these things she did as separate sentences, without her name. Then imagine a friend just read them off to you about someone he was thinking of marrying. What would you tell him?
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A
female
reader, InLoveW/Love +, writes (27 July 2010):
I have been a cheater in the past so i know somewhat where she is coming from. I can also say that it is a big possibility that she is a changed woman. Sex twice a day with you is a good sign that she is into you not only physically but emotionally as well.
In order for her to have changed her ways though she needed to have done some MAJOR soul searching as to why she behaved that way. But if you tell her you love her and respect her lifestyle NOW then u have no choice but to do exactly that.
No man likes to think of his woman with someone else so its only natural you feel this way. Let her know your fears so she can reassure you that you are the ONLY man for her.
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A
male
reader, humpdaddy +, writes (27 July 2010):
humpdaddy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is a little more info on this woman. We met almost 5 months ago. Had a couple dates and then slept together. The physical attraction was certianly there.Since then she has given up all her other men, some were friends with benefits for 3-4 years. One evening she let me read her emails from the past. A couple months before we met she had told a couple of her "friends" she was done with the single life. It was killing her emotionally, and she wanted a solid, caring loving relationship. She honestly is one of the nicest people I have ever met, and I know she is totally in love with me. I am the first man she has ever let into her sons life. I know she cheated on her first hubby, but I have gotten to know him and he is not a nice person. Her affair lasted 7 years, but 5 of those years the guy she cheated with was separated from his wife.He dumped her as soon as his divorce was final (same day)At that point she didnt want any real relationship, she just wanted to have fun (looks like she did..lol)I think she grew really tired of that lifesyle and wanted more to her life. We have both agreed that anything we did before the day we met, doesnt matter. 5 months later, I could not ask for a more devoted, loyal and loving partner.The entire time she was "playing" I think she was hoping that one of those guys would give her a chance at a real relationship. Like many men, all they wanted was sex. Too bad for them, because of their wants or in many cases immaturity, they may have missed out on a fantastic woman. They just didnt dig deep enough to see what she was all about. Many of us have pasts. People do the things they do for a reason. This woman was hurt badly twice, once by her hubby who mistreated her. She didnt handle it correctly, which she regrets. Once by the guy she had the affair with when he dumped her on the day of his divorce. I think her self esteem was in the crapper so she decided to play he single life...Remember she has a very high libido. I think she has grown tired of that life and wants more. I am not judging her for her past, it has helped make her who she is. She now knows the life she doesnt want.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (27 July 2010):
Sounds to me like she went "wild" indeed, and she might have left that stage behind. Some people who have never cheated in life cheat later, so, past behavior is not a certain predictor of what is going to happen later.
I find this woman interesting.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (27 July 2010):
 You'll drive yourself crazy constantly wondering if she's changed or not. In the end all you can do is look at how she's acted since she's been with you. Base your opinion on the relationship as you know it. Odds are those relationships in the past for her have been troubled no just because of her, but because of her partner (ex-husband/other guy/etc). You sound like you're a little better for her.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (27 July 2010):
 You don't like her past because it is completely normal to be unwilling to commit to such a woman. That is your prehistoric instincts trying to prevent you from being cuckolded. You are bothered because all her previous behavior (you know, that thing which is thebest predictor of future behavior) has indicated that she is unfaithful and promiscuous, and prone to reacting to heartbreak by seeking out meaningless, risky sex.
The question is not whether or not she can change, or whether she has. It's this: do the benefits of being with her if she has changed outweigh the pain if she has not? Do you really believe the odds that she has changed are greater than the odds that she has not?
I'd say the guys who slept with her and moved on made the right call. *IF* she has changed, which is doubtful, she has only done so because now that she's "had her fun" - meaning she is unable to attract men the way she used except through being easy - she wants to have a relationship with a nice guy who will treat her like a princess.
In short, you are bothered for completely sane, rational reasons. If she doesn't cheat on you in the future, it will be because the opportunity has not presented itself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Well in a literal since a "leopard can't change his or her spot" but people can change...but it is very, very, very, very hard. If I were a guy..I wouldn't want anything to do with her on a serious level either due to her history with relationships. This woman is not a spring chicken you know? And at some point she should have grown up. You might like these "bad girl" types...the ones who are distant and don't show much interest in you...men and women tend to be this way including this woman you are dating. What did she think would happen? She cheated on her husband, he divorced her, she starts dating a married man for seven years and then he leaves her.
I don't think she should be in a relationship..she needs therapy, she needs to learn how to love herself, love God, appreciate a good decent man and healthy relationships and I don't think it's your "job." I will never understand why men love to take on a woman who is mentally and emotional unstable, yet they won't do anything to show a decent, loving and loyal woman that they care and are there for her.
Good luck sir.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): can she change. will she change? NO
she likes variety and she will NEVER remain faithful
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A
female
reader, cocoqueen88 +, writes (27 July 2010):
 wow it just seems like you got a freak on your hands. i am a strong believer that you really shouln't tell everything in your past for this very reason. too much information will make you crazy. if you can put her past out of your mind then I say that everything should be fine. just that fact that she was willing to tell you all the details says that she is over that life style and just wants to move on.
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