A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive going to marry soon this year and im having dillema about my future. I think its normal to worry about my future life and im not telling or discussed this with anyone. Its making me depressed by the time pass and it keep worse.We have been together for 7 years and planned to marry this year. I know he loves me so much and would try his best to make me happy. Hes also family oriented man which going to be good husband i guess. However, when we marry later i would stuck in a life that i hate. I would live with his family and i hate their lifestyle. In some way i think we are incompatible. Im going to sound shallow if i tell you this, but im trying to tell you what my dillema without being hypocrite, i was raised in a wealthy family which never require me to work physically. Meanwhile, im going to work hard and living in a place where its so uncomfortable. I must admit that sometime i feel embarassed by my fiance status socially.His parent cant understand if i want to live only with my fiance after marry. Part of it is because we are asian and they are still stick to tradition which the only son would live with their parent. My parent definitely will give me money or house after we marry and i cant live in there because my fiance cant left his parent.I know people generally would recommend me to leave him and tell me that im a spoiled brat. But i just want to have a live which i excited about. Or is it just me that so naive and cant overlook our differnces? From my research, theres no perfect marriage or even perfect partner after marriage.Could incompatible couple happy with their marriage life? What should i do? I really need some life lesson and experience stories from aunts and uncles. Thanks before :)
View related questions:
depressed, fiance, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 April 2016):
 Is this the bakery guy by any chance ?...
Maybe I am getting you mixed up with somebody else, OP- we used to get posts from an Asian girl who was in your very same predicament: raised in a wealthy family, but engaged from someone from a less affluent, and , most of all, less educated and open minded background. So, fiance' stuck forever in helping at the modest activity of his parents, ( a bakery ) ,the girl expected to live with in laws and to work hard,...but in that case, to top it all, the cherry on the cake was that where she was supposed to go live, it was home for the in laws AND for their 5 or 6 workers who ate and slept on the premises ! Not the most exciting perspective for a new bride and not the best way to grant her privacy. Here too, her father had offered to buy her a house- but then, what for ?, surely not to live there with her husband, since the wuss husband would not move out from his parents' place.
Yes, wuss. Big wuss. Ok I get it- the tradition and the culture and the Asian family blah blah.
Look, cultures evolve and mature, and traditions change all the time. Those that are functional and congenial to the new structures of society stay , and the others must be ditched. It only needs that somebody actually bothers to start saying, No thanks, this tradition won't work for me.
In India " suttee " too was a big strong time-honoured tradition- ( the widow being burned alive into the same fire in which her dead husband's body is burning ). Now this barbarian practice is completely illegal; and I doubt anyway that in modern India it would find any followers - traditions have changed.
In my country, until the late 60's , there was this bizarre law that if a guy raped a girl, but then offered to marry her , the marriage would " repair " the offence and extinguish the crime . Now, .. go and try the same trick ; raping then proposing : the judge will give your 15 years regardless, and will also fall off his bench laughing.
Of course , I am not saying that living with in laws is such a barbarian practice as a suttee or a " reparation " wedding.
Only that " tradition " is never a reason enough to do something that repulses you or goes against your nature, or prevents you from reaching your full potential and living the most fulfilling way you can.
If you already know that by marryng this guy you would be stuck in a life that you'd hate- then do not marry him, until the life conditions have changed, or just, do not marry him, period.
People marry in the intent to live happily, or , at least, to be happiER than they are right now. Never heard of anybody that, consciously and voluntarily, gets married to be unhappy and live a miserable life !
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 April 2016):
 You do have the option of not getting married. At all. You can be happy, living in a nice house, by yourself. This is possible! Just because you are a woman, does not mean you need to have a man in your life, or to be married.
You could tell your fiance, if you love him, that you do not want to be married, just be in a relationship. This because you do not desire to live with his parents.
It is your life. You have the right to live it how you wish. You do not have to get married, you can be happy without marriage. I know tradition lays a heavy pressure on you, but think about it for a minute. Think about the possibilities you have, and think about the choices you have. This is your life. Don't get married just because others tell you so, don't live with his parents just because others tell you so. You have the right to choose yourself what you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, allthatjazz  +, writes (13 April 2016):
 Let me get this out of the way. I am outraged why, despite the resources available to you and your family, you have not been empowered. I understand that you have certain traditions to keep and to abide, I get that, but this is the 21st century where a good education is not limited to acquiring knowledge, but that of thinking critically. So now you do not know what to do.To certain Asian cultures, the family home is like an empire. The eldest sons are groomed to take over the empire and to protect the family legacy. I say this because you have to understand why you are asked to leave your parents home and join your fiancé's. I know you knew this. You had 7 years to prepare for this eventuality. And now it's here. The only way to solve your problem without breaking off the engagement is to MAKE YOUR MONEY WORK FOR YOU.You have 2 options - one, live with your in-laws; or, two, as aunt janniepeg mentioned, construct a house adjacent to your in-laws' if the lot upon which the house is built will permit that. If the second option is not possible and you have no choice but to stay under the same roof with your in-laws, go for a renovation. Either way, whichever option will work, you have to run this by your husband. Make no mistake. Even if it is your money, he's still the head of the family. He is your ally and he is your bridge to your in-laws. He will be the one to communicate your ideas to them like it was his own. If your respective families are not as traditional as I think they are, and you have a vote or you're permitted to speak on the matter, do not forget to make your view palatable. Now, what does that mean. It means that first, you have to make it appear that yours is merely a suggestion, and, second, that the suggestion was made for their best interest and those of their future sons and daughter/grandchildren. Your interest is merely secondary. Always. Even when you suggest that you are hiring a house staff (oh, yes you will if you want to live comfortably). All other money that will come your way from your parents, open bank accounts. Several of them and one of them is yours.My last word, I am still outraged why you cannot think for yourself, why your parents allowed, why you allowed this to happen. Go out, live life, do yoga, drink latte while reading a book in the coffee shop, go shopping, work freelance, work 8-to-5 for x company. Just open your world and broaden your horizon! And I hope, amid all these, you learn to love the family you're marrying into, or, at least, be able to show that you do. It seems important to your husband. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2016): "Or is it just me that so naive and cant overlook our differnces?"You're not being naive, you're being brutally realistic. Living with you in-laws versus living on your own goes beyond being a mere difference of opinion, it's an irreconcilable difference of philosophy. When my parents were married, for financial reasons my mother had to move into a two-family house with my parents, my father's abandoned mother and spinster aunt in one unit and his widowed sister-in-law and three kids in the other. From the beginning my grandmother and great-aunt disapproved of my mother because they believed she wasn't good enough for my father. The only reason my mother stuck it out was because she knew they could save for a down payment on their own house, which they were able to buy within a few years. "Could incompatible couple happy with their marriage life? What should i do?" If you know going in that you're going to be unhappy living with his parents then it's very likely it will be much worse than you could have ever imagined."What should i do?" Accept the reality that you're not going to change your boyfriend's mind and if you do marry him you'll be so miserable that you'll be counting the days until both his parents die and you'll finally be free to live as a married couple. Problem is that could happen in either six months or fifty years.I give you credit for being concerned about a situation which many prospective wives would minimize brush off. I'm unaware of other cultural factors may be in play so I'll defer offering advice either way; all I can say is that in any culture it's always easier and ultimately less painful to call off an engagement than to extricate oneself from an unhappy marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 April 2016):
 I can understand why you would not want to live with his parents, if it was me I would feel the same. I think all married couples should have their own house, and own space. Have you spoke to him about how you feel?
Maybe you can compromise and live close to his parents? If this is a deal breaker for you well then you need to tell him now before it is to late and you are stuck in a life that you are unhappy with. At the end of the day you should live a life that you want, not something you are dreading. You need to be honest with your partner, and also with yourself. Talk to your parents and ask them for advice. But my opinion would be if you don't want this future well then don't marry him. If his financial situation embarrasses you, then maybe you two are not meant to be together.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 April 2016):
 I would only live in a big house that's 2000 sq ft at least, anything smaller than that I would say no. You can even get a side by side house, or conjoined units so your fiancé isn't really leaving them. If your dad is fine with spending that money, then I think it's worth it to marry him. You decide what your exciting life is. You can go on an exotic vacation every year. Just because you live with his parents doesn't mean you suddenly become a peasant. There are benefits as well, having grandparents around your children. As you know, it takes a village to raise a child. You would never have to worry about day care.
...............................
|
