A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should I marry a man I don't love? I have a friend who really likes me I told him that I really like his company, I think he's a nice person but there is no spark. He told me that despite the fact I don't love him he would wait for me and marry me if I am not married by about 35. I am coming up to 35, I very rarely find anyone I fancy in the last two years or so I found about 1 person and he had commitment phobia. I don't think I am that fussy I have the following requirements for a partner: healthy looking, doesn't smoke, doesn't take drugs, doesn't drink excessively. Also I like someone who I can have a conversation with and who makes me laugh. Occupation wise a steady job or a student, if they are in between jobs they need a plan, so I'd date someone who is unemployed. Also they should be no more than about 2 hours train ride.I have certain preferences but as long as they meet the above criteria I'll date them, I've been on a fair number of dates, I've even been on a number of dates with the same person despite there being no spark because I want to see if something can grow, so I wouldn't say I am fussy. Should I settle and marry my friend, in the knowledge that I might live without love or still keep on searching despite having been on many dates and still not finding someone I fancy?
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (30 December 2016):
Aaand here I am again, last time, I promise. I knew I read somewhere that the cultural anxiety about only being able to have kids until a certain age was based on outdated research. Here's the article that talks about it: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 December 2016):
Just saw the follow-up:
OP, a stable family unit does not consist of people who settled for each other. That is probably the most unstable situation to start out in, because sooner or later one will start to resent the other, like WiseOwlE pointed out. I know a man who settled for his wife and they have two kids.
They stayed together "for the kids" but they are both deeply miserable and the kids have grown up knowing their parents never really loved each other. He is 50 right now and his children have up and left and rarely visit, because the atmosphere at home was never cosy and nice.
Don't do it. I know your biological clock is ticking, but to be blunt: if your only legacy in this world is your children, you'd want them to grow up in a happy household, wouldn't you? Don't have kids to give your life meaning. We've got too many people who need therapy to deal with a bad childhood.
If you can, freeze some of your eggs. That buys you some more time.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 December 2016):
The current average age of death in the UK is 81 years. So, with that in mind, don't you think it's a wee bit soon to write yourself off as destined to be alone forever? Forever in this case might very well be another 50 years. That's a lot longer than you have been alive.
The problem with current society (in my opinion of course) is that everyone seems to be handed this list that says "do this before that age". And I never really understood the correlation between age and accomplishments. I've had people abandon the things they love most because they were "too old" at the age of 35. The moment you're too old is the moment you're dead.
So should you settle? No. Of course not. You will make yourself miserable and him too. Trust me, it's better to be single than to be stuck in a bad relationship. Loneliness is mostly a state of mind, anyway. You can be surrounded by people you love and still feel lonely. So don't think that marrying this guy will make your loneliness and emptiness go away.
In fact, it will probably amplify what you're missing. And then later, when you DO get old, you'll think to yourself: "I was so young then, why the hell did I sentence myself to this lifelong prison?"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2016): Hi its the person who posted this question-I'd like to have children and I'd like them to have a stable family unit. If I am coming up to 35 and if I leave it much longer I won't be able to have kids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2016): People normally marry for love, and end-up getting divorced. You tire of roommates pretending to be spouses; and no amount of money and security is a substitute for love. The likelihood of someone else coming along and catching your attention away from that phony-marriage is 100 to one.
Just how longdto you think you could tolerate a man you don't love touching you? When he says and does dumb things, it will piss you off. You will be less likely to be patient or forgiving. You will have regret constantly in the back of your mind. If he tries to be affectionate, it would be meaningless to you. If you have kids, the children would see how aloft you are around their father; and they are highly receptive of how you interact as parents. Most of all, it is the most immoral thing I can think of.
Time will wear on you. You will feel trapped and resentful. The resentment will surely turn into cruelty. You'll be dying to get out.
Marrying anyone for any reason but the fact you really love them (romantically, that is), want to care for and protect them, and their feelings for you are treasured; and most of all, because they bring out the same feelings in you...is an act of insanity. It is cruelty beyond measure, and emotional-exploitation.
I could rant on and on. In this case. I'm just not going to.
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A
male
reader, Garm +, writes (29 December 2016):
This flies in the face of the other responses, but oh well: I don't see a problem with marrying him. It isn't irrevocable.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (28 December 2016):
I am sure you would not eat food you do not like, and that is a simple task. Marriage is much more serious than choosing between which food you like and don't like.
If there is no spark now before you marry your friend, there is not going to be any spark after marriage.
"despite there being no spark because I want to see if something can grow"
There is a saying "You need a spark to start a fire." So how can a spark grow if there is none to begin with?
I get your settle down clock is ticking...but be careful who you settle down with. Until death do us part is a long time.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 December 2016):
 I would not recommend that you settle. Its not fair to either of you. You would in time grow to be resentful and probably him too. It could easily turn into a relationship where you would grow to hate one another. My mother admitted to my sister and I after my father passed away that she had never really loved him but that she had "settled" because she was 25, afraid of being alone and my father was kind, would provide for her and had money. My father worshipped my mother. He would have done anything for her but she grew more and more unhappy over time and although they lived together for 53 years, the love turned to resentment and hate.
Why 35? What's the big deal? You aren't going to expire or something are you??? Why not be friends with this man, go out, enjoy movies together ect..but let him know that he is a FRIEND...you enjoy his company but you don't wish to date. Keep looking ...don't settle. Being married just to be married to not be alone is not going to be nearly as nice as you might picture it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 December 2016):
 Why marry?
I get that you don't want to be alone, but to marry someone you aren't in love with or even attracted to, seems a bit cold and calculated to me. What about him? I know you wrote "he would wait for me and marry me if I am not married by about 35." But really what happens if HE meets someone he falls head over heels for? What then? what if YOU meet some (after you settle and marry this guy)?
And why not DATE first? See if you could even LIVE with the man?
35 is not some magical expiration date for women. That the ones who aren't married are no good.
I think overall it sounds like a crap situation for the both of you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 December 2016):
 This depends on whether or not you HAVE to be married by 35. Unless someone will chop your head off unless you are married by 35, I honestly do not see why you're rushing this.
If you want to marry to have kids and have stability and you want to do this before you are 35, then sure, marry him. He appears to have all of your criteria on the list, apart from the spark, so he's no better or worse than the other men you've dated.
But if you fancy love and a spark over getting married by the age of 35, then yes, you must wait.
If it was me I'd wait. I do not see it as anything but selfish to bring children into this world just for the sake of status and having miniature versions of yourself. If you aren't sure this is a man you want to spend the rest of your life with, and can commit to that, I don't see why you should bring a third party, a child, into the mix.
And if you want to be married without kids, then I don't see why you want to be married to someone you don't love or feel an attraction beyond friendship towards. What's in it for you?
I think you're wondering about this because of peer pressure, pressure from family etc. Everyone expects and wants a woman to be MARRIED by this and that age, or have kids at this and that age, as if we're somehow worth less as human beings if we're single or without children at this age. Which I find an insult to women world wide. So no, if I was you, HECK NO if I would marry someone just because I turned a certain age. As if Im milk that's about to go bad or something...!
I don't have an expiry date, Im awesome all the way until I die. And so are you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2016): Hi I am the person who posted the question thought I should add, I am marrying partly so I won't be alone, I honestly feel that there is no one out there for me. I am not marrying for money, the guy isn't poor but he's not rich either.
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