A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just thought i would ask this question. Basically I'm a sensitive man....not a weak man...but i had a very unhappy childhood/ dysfunctional family. And alot of bad things have happened in my life...(bad luck, life failures, betrayals by others and family, feeling embarrassed about certain failures, being broke financially at times in the past etc,...)it's behind me now...but i have alot of issues in that...i try very hard to do positive things with my life...and actually planning on attending acting school in the future because i think i could be a great stand up comedian. but in the meantime I lift weights, do some dance training, I'm learning some foreign languages, and getting my career in IT (info systems) going....and i have alot of plans.but I feel haunted by the bad things that happened to me and how family members (father, mother, brother, relatives ) abused me emotionally as well as other issues.I appear to be this good-looking confident man...but the truth is - i have had (ALOT) of problems...sometimes when people learn this...they are suprised and shocked because i don't look like the type.and i have this new idea in my mind that maybe- i need a woman who has the ability to be a good listener who is very patient and caring and knows how to be that.I say this because i have had alot of situations where i encountered beautiful women who liked me physically and liked my personality and wanted a relationship with me, but once they saw - i was the type of man who needed a pep talk all the time...they got bored/annoyed and lost attraction to me...and accuse me of complaining too much.....about my family and about what other people did to me.and even when I encounter some pretty women who are kinda nice who actually seem to care...they also too get turned off at the idea of...giving their big strong man a constant "pep talk" and some women because maybe they had a nice childhood...don't know how to be a good listener/friend and they want a strong man who never shows any weakness whatsoever.i remember once i was dealing with a female and she was a beautiful slavic woman who really liked me...and once she got to know me better and I began to share about my problems...she got turned off immediately and never spoke to me again and refused to talk to me after that. and even that bothers me because i have to live with yet another person...hating me and not giving me chance because i wasn't "cool" enough.and while she had this right to reject me vehemetly...i realize that i just can't expect women - especially very pretty women - to have that type of patient,understanding, caring personality who can listen to others and be a good friend and be unselfish.I realize now i need to dig deeper and come up with a good creative strategy to attract what i'm looking for. and that's when the lightbulb went off into my head. And i actually found some articles about this subject - of dating/marrying a psychologist or a person who works in that field.bad idea? good idea? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2014): Are you in therapy? More than worrying about a relationship, you should be thinking about recovering from your past trauma. Also, there is a difference between having a reciprocal exchange and needing a mother figure. I've dated men who were constantly in need of pep talks, pain, guidance, love. It was really ALL about them. The fact that these women keep leaving might be a sign that your behavior is self-absorbed. Have you ever dated a women who continuously need this kind of attention? Try it, it might help you see what you might be putting out there. Relationships are mutual exchanges, maybe some of these ladies got tired of it being all about you. You start to feel like you are taking care of a child, rather than having a partner. Now, it is possible that the women you've dated aren't sensitive or emotionally in tune, but I think looking at your part of this and being honest is always the first step. It's hard, but the alternative is to end up with a limited love life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2014): Cindy Care's is correct about Acting as therapy, It can come under the branch of expressive arts therapy DRAMA MUSIC DANCE ART and the rest. I notice you say you take dance...I teach theatre as therapy/rehab,and dance, it has amazing healing values and is where art meets science and medicine. What you can not put into words or conscious expression you can give form to to express in an artistic expression rather than a verbal expression that can and obviously does people's heads in).
As for looking for a therapist to marry,It's a bad move and unethical for the therapist to engage in a personal relationship with a client/patient. Therapists will not want to come home after work to listen to your past, it is draining heavy work.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (2 August 2014):
 Things aren't "behind" you if you still have issues stemming from them. You can either choose to react to them as if you were a helpless child, or you can turn those past hurts and dysfunction into a force for good. If your family abused you so badly, what can you do to turn what was meant for negative things into positives? There are people who took tragedy and death and abuse and used it to save lives, help hurts, and to make the world better. Many therapists became such because their own lives were similar to yours, and instead of wallowing in that haunting and reacting as if they were still a child, they resolved to help others, which in turn helped heal themselves.
Nobody should need a constant pep talk. That isn't healthy. That's like two people in the water and one is drowning. The other swims out to save the drowning guy, and the drowning guy immediately latches onto and clings onto the guy saving him, killing them both in the process. Needing constant validation, pep talks, intensive self-centered conversations is like clinging onto the person trying to help and sucking the life-force out of them, making both of you the worse in the process. Women recoil when you start going into your past not because of some alpha male BS (by the way, the whole alpha/beta male thing is all BS, and I think it's stupid to label men as if they're animals), but because you come across as overly needy. Many people have horrific pasts and aren't needy. No relationship can be healthy with that level of need, even in those where there's also the dysfunction of one gaining emotional validation from their partner's neediness. Yes, those people exist, and they actually get pissed off when their partner starts getting emotionally healthy.
Stop looking for shortcuts and start changing. Superficial stuff like weightlifting is fine, and exercise does help with depression and anxiety, but you can't expect to heal from a dysfunctional abusive upbringing while you still wallow in it as if you're 5. I grew up where excessive physical punishment (i.e. I counted a whipping on my brother with over 70 swats before I lost count) was supposed to be God's will, and my reaction is to never raise my son in that fashion and never let him feel the terror of unbridled and unrestrained rage. I don't wallow. I improve for the next generation, and I have never raised a hand to my son, and he's a great kid.
If you need therapy, then pay for it, but put the work in like I said in the last post I made. Stop looking for shortcuts.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 August 2014):
 My hint:
You can't do a DAMN THING to change what happened in your past. You CAN do all sorts of things to make your future better....
Concentrate on the future - only - and let the past fade in to your distant memories....
Good luck....
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 August 2014):
 Sorry I can't resist. Your post, with your view of a gf/ therapist as a guardian angel / resident ego stroker, reminds me too much of a classic old joke :
Two people at a party. " So, what do you do for a living ? "
" I'm a therapist ".
"Wow, awesome. I don't know how you guys do... it must be exhausting... you must be drained when you come home at night, after all those long hours listening to people ... "
( Puzzled ) : " ?? Listening ?... Why should I be listening to them ??... "
Lol. Ok, it's a joke, as a matter of fact, therapists do listen to their patients ... in their quality of patients, not of boyfriends. As You Wish explained so brilliantly, they are probably the last person who'd enable you to perpetuate your problems by validating, on a consistent basis, nevertheless !, your " big, frail ego ". A good therapist who were also your gf... would promptly refer you to some trustworthy colleague of hers.
And now the good news, which I forgot to add in my last post : if you pursue acting, you may find it as helpful and healing as therapy or pep talks. Acting is very validating, very liberating, very uplifting - also regardless of actual results , i.e. if you become successful or not. Why ? because acting feels , curiously enough, both very difficult, very challenging, very strange, so whatever you succed to learn makes you feel like " Now I am cooking with gas !",.. you are really accomplishing something , a big feat - AND yet also very easy, natural, everybody can act, everybody DOES act to some extent IRL, it's like walking, - ultimately there's no coded right or wrong way to do it, only YOUR way, the way that says who you are , that shows your essence.
Uhm, maybe I haven't explained it that well, but... just try and then you'll see what I mean :)
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reader, jls022  +, writes (2 August 2014):
Cindy has totally hit the nail on the head here. You are looking for someone to pander to your issues. To be used as an emotional crutch when you feel like you need a self-esteem boost. Not even a mother should be that responsible for another person's happiness. You say you are going to work on your issues, but HOW are you doing that?
Most people don't mind acting as a crutch for someone they care about OCCASIONALLY, because everyone needs that now and again. But it's mentally draining having to listen to other people's problems. It's upsetting to see someone you care about going through a tough time, and that sort of upset takes it's toll.
You say you sometimes need this every day for two months?! Even every week is FAR too much. Seriously, I'd get fed up having the same conversation about ANYTHING every day for 2 months. Especially such a heavy one and especially if nothing ever changed.
Dude you are sapping the life out of these women, and overwhelming them with the responsibility of making you happy. And at the end of the day, that's your responsibility. Have you never heard people say that you should never rely on someone else for your happiness? That you should be happy as you are before entering into a relationship?
I'd also like to ask you how long you know these women when you start to open up? These type of deep reveals require a really solid connection with someone. If you start unloading your deepest secrets right at the start of a relationship, then it can scare people away.
The first year or so of dating is supposed to be the really fun part, so you could be coming across too intense too quickly. It also needs to be a bit at a time. I'd run a mile if a guy I'd been dating for a while started to really rely on me for an ego boost. I want someone who will enhance my life and make it more fun, not someone who I'm scared will crumble if I'm not on hand to pat his head all the time. That's too much responsibility, from which I gain very little.
I'm not trying to be mean to you, and I'm actually helping my boyfriend through a tough time at the moment so I'm not a horrible, uncaring person. It's just that this is about the third time in 5 years he's really and truly NEEDED me. The rest of the time he is pretty together and things are fun and light. There have been times when he has been there for me too when I needed support (twice - one bereavement and once when I struggled with a bit of anxiety). Could you do that for a girlfriend if she needed it? Put your ego aside and focus on her? Would you rise to the challenge, or fall to pieces without your regular ego boost?
That's the sort of balance you are looking for. It should be give and take. No-one wants to carry the brunt of the emotional baggage on their own, which is what you are asking these women to do. Of course there will be smaller things along the way too - if someone has had a bad day or something - but these are things that a cuddle will usually fix. If I started to need regular pep-talks, I wouldn't burden my boyfriend with it every day. It wouldn't be his problem to solve so I'd look to fix it on my own.
OP this isn't an alpha male thing either - I expect my female friends to be together MOST of the time too, and not to use me as an emotional crutch or punching bag. I'm happy to support my friends if they need it, but not all the time and not if they continually expect to take without adding much to my life. It's not fair to expect that of anyone.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (2 August 2014):
Dating a therapist is fine, but don't make her YOUR therapist. I read your post and their follow-ups. Being a therapist is extremely draining. Listening to people work out their issues is very draining. A relationship is a give and take, and you *must* be of a frame of mind to be HER shoulder as well. Thinking that being with a therapist means you'll have access to an ear and intense pep talk every day for 2 months is the fastest way to have her lose respect for you and to have her run away from you.
Let me ask you this - can you listen to her issues every day for 2 months? Are you strong enough to listen to her like you're wanting for you?
Also, and I want to make this clear, if you think the goal of therapy is that all you need are pep-talks, then you are an emotional vampire. Therapy is WORK. A therapist guides you, but you have to put in the life-altering work to make the personal changes. Expecting constant lifetime peptalks (for every day, every week, etc) isn't therapy, and therapists have fired people who just glean the pep talks without doing the work, facing the hard stuff, choosing to reject all of the stuff that creates the issues within you in the first place. You do not want your therapist to be your partner, because then all you're giving her is the bad stuff.
A therapist is a lot like a personal trainer. Wanting pep-talks all the time in therapy is like wanting encouragement from a personal trainer and all the nice platitudes without getting on the weights or the treadmill or the stairclimber and pouring out the blood, sweat, and tears needed to turn the flab into muscle. In therapy, it also takes blood, sweat, and tears, not just pep talks and having a shoulder to cry on. The most rewarding part about being a therapist is to see someone with issues take the assignments given and overcome the issues. They have the courage to consider a different way of handling things. They face the things they fear and change themselves with the therapist as guide.
You say you have a big, fragile ego and need constant validation? That isn't therapy. That is being an emotional vampire. That isn't honesty either, because you are lying to yourself and to her in saying that you are helpless to do anything about it. Women are shocked when you open up because you do nothing to change these things. You talk about depression and your problems as if they are permanent and immovable which is the biggest lie and dodge of them all. It's not an "alpha male" a woman needs, it's a guy who's willing to actively be a participant in putting himself back together to be strong for her too. In fact, "alpha males" tend to have their own set of issues.
Whether it's rehab, physical therapy, mental therapy, medication therapy, antibiotics, the definition is "treatment intended to HEAL a disorder". The last thing, honestly, you need is validation. Words won't validate you. Your accomplishments in therapy and your rejection of the "big, fragile ego" is what will help you. Watching the war veteran who couldn't walk slowly go through the agony of therapy to run again, even if it's on artificial legs, or the guy with the ego completely reprogram himself to become iron-strong and confident is the goal of therapy.
Therapists are guides. YOU do the work. The very last thing you need is validation without effort, and expecting that from a woman, even a therapist, is a one way ticket to them running. Don't date a therapist, because therapist and life partner should not be the same person, unless you're dating her and NOT NEEDING therapy from her.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 August 2014):
See? If you want,you are good at giving yourself pep talks, after all :)
I am still not convinced about either the feasibility of dating a therapist ( I mean, for the reasons you have, ego maintenance and repair- not because therapists do not date or marry !) or the validity of your hypothesis. It seems to me that you have a skewed , romantic, imprecise perspective about therapists. You seem not quite grasp what therapy ( and therapists ) are about.
Being a therapist is a job - of course a therapist is ALSO motivated by the wish to help people, like anybody in helping professions, ( doctors, nurses, etc ) but not in the way you envision. They want to help in their professional capacity, not personal ( as a matter of fact, there are several methods of therapy based on absolute emotional UNinvolvement with the patient, absolute detachment- although that's old school , contemporary psychology allows for more emparhy and hands on ). Anyway, not necessarily a therapist in her own relational life will be more patient, more nurturing, more motherly than a hairdresser or a seamstress or a lawyer. They have or develop good listening skills, yes. That does not mean they are more likely to spontaneously take at heart , or be moved or personally affected , from what they hear. They have the mastery of a set of tools with which to intervene on your problems, and the experience and know-how to identify them at an intellectual level ; it's not that necessarily they care MORE than another person. You also seem to take for granted that a therapist 's job entails to hold your hand, pat your head and " say oh poor dear, how much you must have suffered ". It's not like that,in fact they make a VERY sparing use of comments with an emotional content . They do use positive reinforcement to support and encourage positive changes brought up by what YOU have come up with , without their prompting or cuddling or cajoling. It's a more scientific, rational, technical process, although hopefully not devoid of unteraction at a human level- but always within certain boundaries. They don't give you pep talks- they teach you how to come up with your own pep talks.
She won't necessarily be more loving , or more protective, in her relationship life just because she has good listening skills. ( Why don't you date a lwayer then, lawyers must have good listening skills too ). That will be up to her individual personality, and the kind of relationship she wants to have with her partner. If you think you need someone very patient, very nurturing, very giving, - then look for a person with those qualities !, not for a profession.
You also seem not to realize how and why a big, frail ego might be a put off. Sorry , but it is- it's not your fault of course, but it's not attractive for most people . It's like.. bad breath, - surely is something more to pity than to blame one for, and yet, yes it is a minus.
Lucky for you, there are ,though,tons of women with a Florence Nightingale mentality who thrive on men " with issues ". they LOOK , consciously or less so, for fixer uppers, that they can heal, comfort, improve. But, tbh, I think that a normally mature ( as mind, not as age, ),reasonably balanced , self confident, " resolved ", "together" woman would stay away from trouble like that ,and anything that smells of codependent, so OF COURSE she would prefer someone with less issues and less emotional baggage and less need to be mothered. So , it may be lamentable, but, frankly, not suprising at all if women find you boring or high maintenance.
It's not that all women are mean, selfish , insensitive , uncaring etc. - it's just that when you get a new car, or house, or gym equipment ... or relationship, you reasonably want something functional and functioning and if not in mint conditions, in good ones- and when they find out it is not so , well, they are annoyed and disappointed.
Personally I'd think it's self evident, but you find that strange...
Haven't you ever had the doubt that , with all your excellent qualities of which I don't doubt for a sec, you could be a bit too much to handle for most women ? A pep talk every day for 2 months ?! Good luck with that, when you are in that phase !- But then, it's not really even a matter of once a day ,or once a year. I think every woman who cares for her partner knows how to be supportive at the right time, - it's just she does not want to feel she MUST be supportive , or else you'll crumble into pieces. Yes, women don't like needy guys. I don't think is about Alpha males either, personally I don't like Alpha-males, I'm fine with Beta- males ,.. as long , yes, they can both show their softer side ON OCCASIONS, and also generally, though, be able to have their s..t together and not make me their emotional crutch.
Basically, I am not that enamoured of your idea of dating a therapist, because what you are saying " If I date a therapist, I'll be able to still wallow in my issues, and feel sorry for myself, and get comfy with my problems, rather than just overcoming them ".
So, I stand by my advice , don't date a therapist : PAY one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2014): Should you find a therapist/psychologist? Yes. Marry one? No.
A partner should be someone you can openly share emotions with, but not allow them to become your therapist. That's why you separate the two.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok. valid points. everyone. i never said i wasn't trying to work my issues. Nor did i say that i didn't have relationship skills or that i'm a sad whiny type man.but i believe in life a person must come from a place of honesty. right? i do have sense of humor, work ethic, emotional drive and positive traits. like i said...i'm told that i'm a funny guy by other people...and i'm planning on studying to be a comedian at an acting school i heard of as hobby aside from my main career.i have physical and personality attributes that attract and entertain people. I also am a very giving person and i'm a good friend too.but the truth is...sometimes i get really upset and down - and depressed about my problems and every so often i need an intense pep talk. Sometimes that might be everyday for 2 months. to once week, to once a month, to once a year. Sometimes that doesn't even mean that i need even a pep talk. A pat on the head, a loving stare and some reassurance/validation that i'm okay and there's nothing wrong with me..and that i have nothing to fear...(loving non-verbal communication). and some intelligent womanly wisdom...and i'm telling you - in my experience women are first suprised, shocked, scared and dissappointed when i open up. And then the ones that can get past me opening up - usually can't even do the things i mention above on a consistent basis. on other words listen, motivate and stroke my big fragile ego....they expect an alpha male who has his alpha male armor on all the time and maybe he shows his soft side 'sometimes'so i had this idea in my head..."well therapist/psychologist type people are skilled at listening to others talk about their problems...it's their skill and profession...."sure are all therapist people the same? are all therapists..good therapists even? ....so while i agree with what you are saying....about being fair in a relationship and that therapists are people too....what is the harm in trying to target a woman who is nice, friendly, loving, caring, patient who is a good loyal friend who is a motivator and who has the skill of being an excellent listener because that's her profession.what is the harm in experimenting to see if that type of woman could be a good partner for me? i mean ...if I get dumped then i'll return here and confirm that you were correct.but what if you are wrong? then what?what i'm saying is this...it is my view that a person who is a good listener who is very caring, loving and patient.because to be honest..i've asked this question to others. and i'm very surprised at the responses i'm getting from people. I'm getting alot of sarcasm...i would think somebody would say"hey tj...i applaud you for thinking outside the box and being clear about what's important in a relationship and the type of woman who is right for you...but here are some flaws in your plan and here are some suggestions..so that you won't feel dissappointed because therapist people aren't perfect and they're human beings too.
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reader, Staceily +, writes (2 August 2014):
 There is a difference between sharing feelings and drowning in sorrow and whining. It also depends on how often you need these pep talks. Are you constantly down/depressed? Are you relying on your partner to bring you "up" and happy? That is far too much to put on anyone. A partner cannot cure your depression. That is something you need to work on with a therapist, in a formal doctor setting, not as a girlfriend.
I had a very rough childhood myself, in addition to other life issues I have to deal with every day, I don't dwell on it or force anyone else to listen to my problems. It doesn't solve anything. There are days I do need reassurance or a pep talk or whatever you wish to call it, but it is not constant. If that is like yourself then you have nothing to worry about. You can easily find a woman who will listen to you when you are feeling down in the dumps, you just haven't found her yet and may be looking in the wrong places. If you dwell constantly however then from your partner's perspective it appears to be an obstacle she can't overcome. How can you expect someone to listen to problems day in and day out? A very caring person is going to be empathetic, meaning these problems are making her feel down too. She will be sitting there sad along with you with no way to help you. No one is going to choose to be sad.
You can't find a happy relationship until you are happy with yourself. You need to work on resolving your past with a professional. The idea to date a psychologist is a silly one and I don't know how you would even go about doing that. I don't think they have psychologist dating sites. Your pool is going to be very limited. Aside from finding this psychologist female in the first place, you will need to also get along with her and be attracted to her, and she will need to be single and into you as well (which could be hard since she deals with other's emotions all day, she probably won't want to hear more).. Good luck of course, but it seems pretty difficult to do. And if you get this tunnel vision you will miss out on some good women.
Also please get it out of your head that pretty women can't be caring. It is utter nonsense. Maybe you have been dating a certain type of woman or maybe you are unloading too much for anyone to handle, but it is certainly not because a woman is pretty. There are some beautiful, caring, empathetic women out there. Trust me.
So get some help for your depression. Share your feelings in moderation and don't dwell on sadness, for yourself and for any future partner you have.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 August 2014):
I agree with Honeypie, the least suitable wife for you would be a therapist/ psychologist ! Do you think that after having spent all day long listening to people's issues,.. she wants to come home and deal ( for free ! ) with your issues day in day out ? It would feel like working all day long ,she would come to resent you pretty fast !
Moreover, I think ( and hope for them ) that professional therapists develop a keen eye for emotionally dysfunctional patterns and " broken " people, - and learn sooner than the others to stay away from them as partners, knowing how important and appreciable mental and emotional health is , and wanting , like anybody else, but maybe more, a healthy, balanced, not codependent relationship. A dentist does not date a person with rotten teeth- because he/she takes dental health MORE seriously than regular people.
You should start seeing a therapist - in a professional context, as a patent. Then, when you have started feeling better, getting more control over your emotions and thought, learning not to be consumed and absorbed totally by negative feelings about things you cannot change ( your past )- then your personal relationships will improve too, no matter what job she does.
I also second what Janniepeg says. There's a big difference between being aware and in touch with your feelings ( all of them, the positive ones too ), and being able to share them with a partner occasionally, of needs be, in view of overcoming / understanding a particular difficulty, or problem within the relationship, and just unloading 24/7 a stream of consciousness of negativity. Nobody wants to be your always on duty emotional crutch- or your resident unpaid mental health care provider ( well, some women do... they are " women who love too much " according to a famous Robin Norwood's definition, and they aren't much healthy either )
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2014): No. I would learn to self-sooth which you probably weren't taught. You can get skilled at giving yourself a pep talk by learning from others on the internet or a therapist, etc. I'm sure you've done a lot of self work already. Self-soothing is one of the last steps so you're almost done! It comes along with understanding and forgiving yourself and others.Once you create new meaning for yourself you can share your joy with the world and a partner.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 August 2014):
 I don't mind talking about feelings, I don't mind talking about issues in the (in my case) marriage/relationship, but I would not appreciate someone wanting to BE with me because I held a PhD in Psychology. Because then it's NOT me they want it's my "expertise". See what I'm getting at?
I do NOT think a psychologist is more "sensitive" or a better listener. I think they (some at least) are better at dissecting other people's lives because they are NOT emotionally or physically involved or invested, see what I'm getting at? Getting involved means muddying the waters.
Would I date a guy with a TON of issues he hasn't dealt with? Well, I married one. Did I KNOW he had all these issues stemming from his childhood? No. He hid it well. Do I mind listening, giving my 2 cents? no. BUT I can't FIX him, neither can psychologist fix you. THAT is something YOU have to work on. Giving you the TOOLS to work out how YOU can move forward SHE can do for you, but the work itself? YOU will have to do it.
And contrary to popular beliefs, psychologists don't have their lives more together then the rest of us.
The one CON (on a pro/con list) I can see for you, is that a psychologist might have a better idea of WHAT she is walking into when dating you.
I'm not saying you shouldn't even consider this, I'm saying you are doing it for the wrong reasons.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 August 2014):
 When women say they want a guy to talk about his feelings, that's a different context. Sometimes the women don't know where they stand in the relationship, so hearing a guy express feelings help in that area. Sometimes a guy looks down and the woman worries if it's her fault. A woman thinks that because she feels better when talking about feelings, then a man must too.
A woman feels special if the topic is usually centered around them. When you complain about family too much, it makes her feel like she is just a friend and that kills sexual attraction. There is a difference between ranting and expressing feelings. One spews negativity while the other kind inspires and soothes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto janniepegok. valid points...but...i have to try something different. i'm not a whiny type person and who's a total wuss.i totally agree with what you're sharing. like i said. i've got a huge sense of humor. and i like to have fun too...and a positive guy...but every so often...i get down and upset and i need a pep talk...and you would be surpised how many women have a hard time giving that to a man. in many cases...women will go "well..what do you want me to say?...you complain too much.."i once came across a woman who had the personality i search for and i liked her alot...but...she was married...but...so...i know that i'm not crazy. but..i also deserve some blame too....my needs are what they are...and i think i made a huge mistake in focusing on 'hot' girls who seem to be nice, polite, smiley women who are in reality very shallow and/or dumb who don't think very deeply about things.and that has been apart of my problem - trying to talk to beautiful dumb girls or women who are kinda nice...but ultimately more focused on their cosmetics..my fault. and i'm just trying to get clear...on what my needs are.if i tone my issues down alittle...then having a nice therapist lady as my wife couldn't hurt. if anything it's a plus and not a negative..but...i now have to come up with a good strategy for attracting this type of female.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (2 August 2014):
Perhaps you can tone it down with your issues instead of being so intense and constant about it. Not wanting to hear your life's problems does not mean one is selfish and uncaring. I understand sharing your story with others and that deepens the bond but doing it all the time drags people down. It does not add value to the relationship. When you complain and no resolution is made to fix any issues with your family, there is nothing your girlfriend can do. If your father does not acknowledge his mistakes and no open dialogue with him is possible, the only thing you can do is accept that the past has happened, forgive and move on. If family is continuing to upset you then distance yourself from them. Talking and complaining about the problem is a quick fix at the moment but solves nothing. The girlfriend can't make your problems magically disappear. Having her in your life would not fill the void you have.
You may see that talking about problems is a way to connect but many caring people certainly do not see it that way. True, life is not all fun and games, and it certainly takes a deep person to understand suffering. Still everything should be in moderation. You still need to have fun and enjoy your quality time with your partner. It's draining and it's painful to see you drown in your sorrows. There is a reason why therapists are paid to do their jobs. After work they need to destress, meditate, and detach from their patients in order not to feel entangled with their problems. At the end of the day the last thing they want to hear is more problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionvalid points. you could be right...however...i have to give it a try.
i hear women say all the time in movies, songs, media, books, magazines and talk shows that "i wish i could meet a nice guy who talked about his feelings"
but the tone of your response confirms that maybe that's B.S.? but you could be right....
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 August 2014):
I don't think you should LOOK for a therapist/psychologist as your life partner. That would mean SHE would be your doc and you would be the patient - not an ideal match in a relationship.
Also if you start dating a woman who has to deal with peoples issues and trauma 8-12 hours a day, how much energy does she have for you? And how soon do you think she will get "bored" with being your "free doctor"?
In my honest opinion.... What you SHOULD do is FIND a good therapist and DEAL with your issues, instead of hoping to hit two birds with one stone and "just" date/marry a female therapist/psychologist.
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