A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I need some good advice, as this situation has me very upset.My gf (both women) and I were together for two years. I loved this woman more than I've ever loved another soul before. I wanted to share my future with her. I've never desired that with anyone else before. In my heart, I truly believe she wanted those things, too.She's a victim of repeated childhood sexual assault, and it's caused us a whole array of problems. It's not fair these things happen to people, it really isn't. She's been spending a lot of time focusing on trying to rebuild her shattered self. We've tried to make it work while she does that. It's never worked.She has said for a long time now that she felt she needed to be alone in order to rebuild herself and become whole. She would say she couldn't rebuild herself while with me because rather than focus on her, she would always focus on us, unintentionally. And that she would fall back on me, rather than learning to stand tall on her own. She would say that she was neglecting herself in order to be with me. So we would split, only for us to reunite only a couple of weeks later because we missed and loved each other so much, that it was so hard to stay apart. So we would try again, against both of our better judgments, convincing ourselves that this time, we would find a way for it to be different. Then we would be together for about a month, or a few months, and then the feelings of neglecting herself would creep up again. She would try to push them away and ignore them because she loved me and wanted to find a way to make us work and heal at the same time. But eventually it would come to a head and she would be regressing in her health, and we would split again. And I could see it. I could see how she was struggling. And the times we were apart, I saw she made great strides. I could tell it was the truth. I just didn't want to accept it.She would say how truly sorry she was when we would split, and how much she loved me and how much she wanted us to work, but just that each time we'd try again, she would only be reminded more and more that she wasn't okay. She even went so far as to block me after we broke up recently because she knew she would come running back. And she knew she couldn't do that. But she wound up unblocking me and calling me after a few weeks. In the end, it was loving each other that ruined us. Because we both kept wanting it to work. I kept taking her back because I loved her so much, and she kept convincing herself that her need to be alone wasn't legit. We were in denial. This is all so heartbreaking. I truly feel in my heart that she tried for the sake of us to work, but we just can't right now. We had a long, heart-breaking conversation yesterday, and we agreed that this time was the last time we go running back to each other until she's healed. She said she envisions the future with us together. That she will get healthy and whole and we will reunite some day. But she says she could never ask me to wait on her. I guess after all of this, what would you suggest? It's not a matter of two people not loving each other. It's a matter of her being a broken woman from her abuse and learning how to become whole again. Should I just let go and move on? Or should I wait? She said she could never ask me to do that, and I understand that. but when I asked if I could make that decision for myself, she said she definitely wouldn't argue with me over it. But to only wait if I truly wanted to. Neither of us knows the future. I guess I'm just lost without her. And it's so hard to split with someone when you know they still love you and you love them. So should I wait? Or should I just completely let go and move on and not look back? I felt in my heart that this was the woman I was supposed to be with. It was just bad timing. But i have never second-guessed that she was the one for me. Sorry so long.
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male
reader, big rob905 +, writes (7 August 2014):
 In my opinion to you If you love her like you say and truly believe that your soul mates don't let go let her find herself step back and wait if she needs you your there of she don't let her work threw the torment off her childhood (which really is a travesty for her and I fill for her) put it in God's hands and if is was meant to be it will be tell her love her and your on her side waiting for whenever she's ready I hope o helpline alike you to really deserve need each other hope the best
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 August 2014):
 "Should I just let go and move on?"
Yes. You need to let go and move on. Bad timing, or maybe you weren't actually "meant to be". There's not really such a thing as soulmates or whatever, "destiny". It's just a matter of two people meeting and getting along, loving one another. You might feel like she's the ONLY one you'll ever love that way. Who knows? Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. If she is, then you'll discover this as you MOVE ON and eventually try with someone new. If this is the case, that you were meant to be with her and she's the only one you'll ever love this way etc etc, then you can wait for her. I support that. It's not fair to lead a new person on if you're still carrying a torch for your ex.
But, chances are, once you move on you will move on. Not just physically, but also emotionally. Remember, that feeling of love for another human comes from inside of YOU. It's YOU who create this feeling. It's you who are able to feel it. Perhaps with other women, you were not ready. And at this time you were ready. And if so, then the next woman you meet you will also feel this way about.
YOU are the one who loved her. Yes, she loved you back, at least we believe that she did. But she couldn't be with you. That doesn't mean your ability to love is somehow lost. It came from inside of you, not from her. Her leaving and you never seeing her again (hypothetically) does not mean you will never love again.... Hope you see what I mean.
You need to move on, because chances are high your feelings for her WILL fade in time, and it is pure torture to try and wait for someone in this circumstance. I know, from experience. My ex boyfriend fell ill, mentally, and had to be put in the hospital. He was very ill, and our relationship was effectively put on hold. He couldn't be a boyfriend, he didn't know if he wanted to live or die. So I waited. I tried. I tried to be there for him when he needed me, and stay away when he couldn't handle being around anyone. I waited and waited. In the end it just broke me down, and I was starting to get ill myself from putting my feelings on hold and staying out of the way, while still loving him.
So we parted as friends, and I will still be there for him if he wants to talk, as friends. I care for him still. But feelings fade, and even if I would have married him in a heartbeat, had he not been ill... Well even so, I firmly believe I will love another man again just as much as I loved him. Because MY ability to love comes from inside of ME. Not from someone else.
Besides, what if you wait? How long you will you wait? Forever? And throw your life away waiting? Is that what your life is for, is that how you will choose to spend your time on earth? Waiting for someone who MIGHT get better, someone who MIGHT love you when they get better, but who will most likely have moved on themselves?
It's pointless, and a complete waste of your life. You deserve a good and happy relationship, as does she. So you need to let her go, so she can heal, and you can find someone else who will give you what you need. Once she's healed she will find someone new herself. Maybe, if you both happen to be single at said point, you can try again at a relationship. Sure, why not. But don't waste your life waiting.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 August 2014):
 She's the one who's doing the breaking up and getting back together. I am not a therapist so I can't tell you the connection between her sexual abuse, her sexual orientation and what she is doing with her love life. This has to be analyzed in detail.
The pattern of on and off might have to do with the escape from feeling trapped and helpless. The ability to bounce back depends on a personality. Some are more optimistic than others. For you to decide whether you would take a risk to reunite with her again, maybe you might be curious to find out the percentage of people who survived abuse and became whole. Look for inspiring people who did, and the methods that worked for them. Some would say it's the love of Jesus, some would say art therapy, while some would say it's music, or animals. A sense of life purpose is always helpful.
Other things that would help me to stay would be a few things. Looks, income ability (yes I am materialistic) but none of that comes close to her willingness to work on the relationship, and the progress she is making. You can't expect her to become whole over night, but at least she has to be in the right direction, getting help from the right people.
I would find that being a lesbian would make you hang on to a relationship since you are still a minority. You still need to think for your own happiness. The right person is worth the wait, and you don't know if she could ever be the right person.
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