A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:dear cupaid, I am having guilt and disappoinment over some friend issues. My Fabulous and popular friend the Pro world travler(and aspiring travel author) wants to come and stay with me and my DH again for 3 months. She wants to stay with me for 3 free months to have a peaceful place to work on her book. I tried to make plans with her to come at a certain time but she refused to come during the times that she was invited and tried to insist on coming earlier. I told her I couldn't have her come and stay with us during that time b/c we had family coming in. She kept calling to make sure that my family were still coming. She told us that she couldn't come during the suggested time because it did not align with her goals and fights were to costly. So she decided that she was not going to come at all this year. She then decided that she was going to stay at an orgainic farm for room and board. After she was sure that my family were gone from my house she then called to say; She got to the Oraginic farm and told me that they were dishonest and and that she would have to work 12hr 6 days a week instead of 25 a week. She told me that she would have no time to work on her book and that she didn't know what she was going to do now,that she was stuck. I am not sure if she is playing the pity card, but it sounds like it. Then of course she asked me if it was o.k. to fly in now from across country and that she could get a cheap flight.I told her I made other plans for the rest of the summer and that she couldn't stay. This is not totaly the truth. But, She did not make plans with me ahead of time. I didn't tell her this but I thought of telling her, "I have a real job, and a real life, and family and I am not a hotel and that She just can't come when she feels like it as per her timeline of goals. She has been a good friend in the past but these last few years she has not remembered my birthday and didn't even sent a card for my wedding. I offered her to be my maid of honor and fly her in for free from AUS a few years back, that is a whole other story. So I guess I am not that important.I feel guilty for not letting her stay. She is a lot of fun to have around even though she runs a good portion of the "show" when she is here. (She has her own daily timeline.) I feel like "back up betty, it is not my job to save her by providing a place for her to say after other plans don't work out. Any thoughts or advice? Should I just take her for who she is and let her come? or not be the "back up betty?"
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): Don't do it!!!
I have always accommodated people and they invade your space. They intrude. They also play the "feel sorry" card and expect u to nurse their ego.
Trust me: your family life suffers as well. I can give u tons of examples: u will be pulling your hair out!
Ihave also had these seasoned travellers taking advantage of my good nature: in the end it just sours relations.
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 July 2011):
 I personally would have more consideration for my husband's feelings and my sanity than to allow a selfish mooch to plop down in my guest room for 3 months. I have enjoyed hosting lovely guests who come and visit for extended periods (that being 2 weeks to me), who know where the coffee-making equipment is and how to change the rolls of toilet paper and how to wash dishes when needed.
I would not be able to tolerate a pushy guest who thinks that her schedule trumps mine or who is your friend only when it is convenient for her. Especially one who brings home strangers who may or may not be upstanding, honest citizens....
Say "no" and don't allow yourself to be made to feel guilty. That's not her doing, that's yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): I think 3 months is an enormous amount of time for someone to spend in your house. It's quite ridiculous. I would definitely say no. Your friend sound like quite a character, is she? When we moved to Florida from New york, we had a lot of visitors. I was surprised then how many people would just became our very close friends suddenly. I had a hard time saying no to them. We had house guests all the time. Because I was stay at home mom at that time, in addition to providing them free lodging, I was asked to drive our guests around,sometimes to the beach and then pick them up from there.It really made me angry with them, I couldn't believe how people are willing to use another person just for their personal needs without thinking once about it.Then my patience came to an end. And I started saying no. At first I would make up all kinds of reasons, but then I d be honest with them. I d offer to find not expensive hotel right on a beach, so they wouldn't need to rent a car, I would tell them honestly that the reason why they can't stay more than 3 days in my house because we don't feel comfortable with someone that is not part of our family around al the time. My husband works very hard, and he doesn t need to entertain anyone when he Gomes home after work. All he wants to do is rest, but not to be involved in endless conversations with our guests. Of course I didn't say that,lol.but that's true. I understood then how people can use u just to save money, not because they tremendously enjoy your company. One of my friends even asked if she can come to our house with her 3small kids, her mother and her mother in law,, also her husband for 3 weeks while we were on vacation in France, we just bought our new house, freshly painted it. She never offered any compensation at least for water or air, knowing how expensive it would be for 7 people to use showers every day, and to run air 24 hours a day. So she didn't want to see us, she just wanted to use our house for her to save money on rentals.I said no. If they have guts to use us unmercifully, then I have guts to say no. Someone said here depends what your definition of friend. I completely agree.Some of the people that I said no to never called us again, in fact we never saw them again.Your friend can run her life how she wants it, you have no obligation for her, as well as she had no obligation to come to your wedding.lol. Just say no.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 July 2011):
 Its really not your responsibility to accommodate her needs. Because you've done it in the past, she wants or rather expects you to do it again. Some people dont understand others' goodness...they take it as a sign of weakness. They think you're weak and they can walk all over you and you wont say anything.
Tell your friend very clearly that you have plans. She seems to think nobody else has a life except for her. If she's that fabulous and popular, she should look for her own place. And if she's a guest at your place,she should behave like one. No one likes a bossy guest.
Stop being her back up friend. If she has her own daily time table, so do you. Its your life, your house, your decision. You have nothing to feel guilty about saying NO.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): thanks Tisha,
That was great!
My husband does compain about her running the show right after she leaves. He also didn't like the fact that she pointed out that he does not help around the house as much as he could ..that ticked him off. But when I asked him this time, He was just wishy washy about it. He didn't give a solid answer
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): Jmtmj,
thanks for your reply. I did think of setting up new boundries of when she could come. I do like having her around. But I am still mad at the wedding thing from a few years ago as well. i offered to fly her in for free! She is her own boss and makes her own hours and calls the shots. She could have come if she really wanted.
A few other things. When she has stayed with us in the past she has picked up guys at the disco and tried to bring them back to my house for "adult fun." Guys we didn't know ..we of course said no. Not cool. I showed a friend her webpage before and the friend told me how she thought my traveling friend was very into herself and no wonder she didn't come in for your wedding. She wouldn't be the star of the show!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 July 2011):
It's not your job to accommodate your friend's need for a place to write her book. You have a life and a family and a husband, that is YOUR responsibility. Just because she can't figure out how to solve this problem herself doesn't make the problem yours to solve or fix.
It's not your job to change your schedule to suit hers. It's not your fault she is insensitive or selfish or bossy.
I'd send her a link to inexpensive longterm stay hotels in the next county and leave it at that.
To be honest, your friend doesn't sound 'fabulous' to me. The problems she brings in her wake for me would outweigh the slim 'benefits' of her presence in the house. She's not worth it, not for me.
Doesn't your husband get a say in this? It's his house too.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 July 2011):
 Personally I wouldn't let her, but then again I can be pretty stubborn when it comes to the principle of matters.
So is it the principle that's getting in the way here? Or will you enjoy having her over as a friend? Could you compromise and say only one month instead?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): I am the poster of this question. Sorry about the spelling. New cell and I have not got the fingering down yet! thanks!
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