A
male
age
51-59,
*oolmaster
writes:I found out that the women that i am dating for 6 mths has had 22 men in her past,some where relationships of 1 to 2 yrs in length but most where only a few mths in length and then she tells me that she has had 4 one nite stands.She is 35 yrs old and has never been married,should i be concerned about her past and the number of men she has been with?Should i let it bug me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): I would say that you are not being very fair considering that you haven't revealed the number of YOUR sex partners. I too have been reading this site and I have to say that the majority of the questions have been posted by men. Now if you want your partner to accept whatever it is about you that she finds troubling,(for example, watching porn) then you have to accept her.Although, I agree that certain things about a persons past should trouble you. Any criminal history, financial records, marital status, etc. But as far as sexual partners, that in my opinion, should be left out of the conversation period. As we all can see, it really can't truly be handled by some. The best thing that we all can do is to first get tested for every STD known to man. Once a relationship is started, BOTH parties should get tested regularly. Truth be told, none of us really knows the true number of sexual partners our significant other has. It can be more or less. Like I stated earlier, the best thing to do is both parties do as I stated above. That will at least show responsibility and that both parties care about being safety and well being of the other. Best of luck.
A
male
reader, duce00  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Well..she actually knows the number of men she has been with, first good sign. She was mostly monogamous even if it was short, second good sign. She was honest with you about it, third good sign (and most important).My friend, I would say that if you love her and she is honest and loving with you, stop looking a gift horse in the mouth. Be happy!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): If any of these feelings were optional or controllable then these questions would never be asked very often in the first place.
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A
female
reader, Emaz help  +, writes (29 October 2009):
 No it shouldn't bother you, i've slept with 9 people in just under 2years which is 'apparently' average for people where i live, just know that there are people out there who are much worse! If her past doesn't worry her then it shouldn't worry you
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (29 October 2009):
 "if you really loved her, her past wouldnt be a big problem"
Sorry I have to disagree with that.
Having spoken to and read many many men's accounts on this, one thing has become very clear: the more a man loves his partner, the more he can be hurt by her past. In fact, in most cases I've seen, the more the love, the more intense the problem.
It is precisely because he loves her that this hurts. Conversely, if he doesn't care about her, then he doesn't care about her past.
It's one of the positive things about this problem. But also one of the hardest. On the one hand it's a sign of love, which can be very reassuring. On the other hand, it's the love that makes us feel trapped and hence out of control.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): It sounds like it does bug you already. The chance of finding a 35 year old virgin is pretty slim. The question for you is whether 22 is too far in the other extreme. I think it is a pretty high number myself. It could be why some of the relationships only lasted a few months if she was getting too involved sexually before letting the rest of the relationship develop.But I also have to ask if you are a virgin and how many people have you been with? Don't hold her to a standard that you refuse to maintain for yourself.
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A
male
reader, tux +, writes (29 October 2009):
 if you really loved her, her past wouldnt be a big problem. if you want to be with her, you need to put the past behind you. To put thihhs in some sort of perspective, i knew a girl that was 18 who had 25 different past partners...
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (29 October 2009):
Welcome to the (very large) club. Personally I have a 'don't ask' policy these days, as it's best not to know. The more you know, the worse it feels. As for people who say 'the past is the past'... well... that's a truism. It's also false. The past does matter. Otherwise why would we care about a criminal record, previous bankruptcy, or someone's cv in a job interview? However, to say the past matters does not imply that it needs to haunt and damage the present or the future.
This question comes up here on an almost daily basis. Here's some links to some previous answers:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-insecure-about-my-girlfriends-past.html
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (29 October 2009):
 You should not let it affect your relationship. Her past is her PAST. It is not her future.
Every experience she has had has helped form the woman you have grown to care for. Accept her for who she is and enjoy your connection.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Everyone has their own feelings about sexual pasts... but sadly these feelings can often ruin what would have been great relationships.Now either she has slept with too many people based on what you want in a women, or she hasn't. That is the deal really?Sounds to me, at both your ages you should just get on with your life, it's not like you are insecure teenagers any more. And maybe, in future, if you know the answer could cause a situation like this, it would be better to just not ask. I'd NEVER ask a partner how many people she's fucked before me, nor would I ask her what she'd done with any of them. Life for the present and the future, not in the past.
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