A
female
age
36-40,
*upersteph
writes:Hello all, I have a weird situation. I'll try not to draw it out too long, though. J* and I had been together for 2 years. We lived together and were engaged. (I am 21 years old.) We'd had our share of problems before; once when we were dating for 3 months I got really scared and broke it off, but decided to get back together because of how we did care for each other quite a bit. Once, I caught him speaking with one of his ex's online and saying questionable things. (He didn't cheat, however.) My family has never liked him much. (They DO have IMPOSSIBLE standards, though. You know how families can be.) We worked it out. Around 2 years, I got really depressed. I stopped communicating with him, we didn't do anything fun together. I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. I closed myself off. A few months later, an old friend from high school popped up out of nowhere. As a teenager, I was deeply infatuated with this boy. I thought nothing of that, however. We were friends, now and that's all. We starting communicating more and everything I held back went to him. (Yes, grass is greener syndrome a little, huh?) J* and I stayed together, however. We tried to work on it. After a while, I felt I could no longer do it. J* and I broke it off. My reasoning? I wasn't good for him if I could feel emotions for someone fairly quickly. We remained friends. Two months later (I waited a while, ok?) the old friend (we'll call him B.) B* and I got together. Well, we were pretty good for a while. I did care for him, deeply. However, like always.. we were not compatible in the long run. I broke it off in an upsetting way. J* and I ran away 3 hours away and told everyone we were not coming back. (Impulsive, I know.) Ok, so yeah. We ended up coming back, of course. B* was very upset, yet still wanted me back. Unfortunately, having sex with him was very good. Horrible, but the truth. I ended up going over there to get my possessions left at his house and we made out, leading to sex. I told J* the truth about it. He was upset but willing to forgive me. This was a confusing and hurtful time I won't go into extensive detail about because it was basically me ping-ponging back and forth from J* to B*. This April, B* and I were together. We were throwing a random get-together just because. We drank and he drove a friend home later that night. When he got back, he said and did some hurtful things and didn't act like himself. He was like a demon, in short. I drove him home and told him it was over. J* helped me because B* was crying, pushing, jumping out of car, etc. J* slept over that night on the couch because I knew he'd try to come back to beg for forgiveness the next day. He did. I said, 'no.' J* and I spent more time together and yes, ending up making it official, again. We were doing ok. Except the closed off feelings started, again. I missed B*, we could work it out, blah blah blah. At this time, an old female friend, C* came back into town. We all hung out. C* hinted she wanted to have a 3-some with J* and myself. I am bisexual, but am not attracted to C*. So, since I was having sex with J*, I told him to have sex with C* and I would be okay with it. Well, he said if he was going to do it, I had to have sex with B*. This was not a good decision. I went to visit B* and we had sex. He became attached again. I didn't. J* just got a new job and we had only my car. I let him take his car to work and he went to see C* without telling me. He confessed he liked her and she; him. Well, I wasn't 100% on J* and I was okay that did like each other. B* was still trying to get me back at this time. I kept telling him, 'no.' Well, over the next week.. J* lied to me about seeing C*, ignored me, never came home (In MY car, mind you.) And the by the end of the week, I'd had enough. I asked him to move out. After he packed his things and left I got very upset and sad. We'd shared a lot together and it was over. I called him and asked to talk. He replied that he had no more in him for 'one more try' and hung up on me. I cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next day to a phone call from him. He wanted to talk. We spoke and hung out. We did come to this conclusion: I have hurt him. A lot. He has hurt me. A lot. We're finally even. We have needed to work on the relationship for quite a while. From when I originally closed off. Before B*. Before C*. He has the tendency to lie to me and let me push him over. I have the tendency to tell him what he wants to hear and fail to communicate. We have a lot of work to do. A lot of things are hard in our relationship. We do love each other, very much. We discussed that perhaps we were co-dependent on one another. We concluded no. We discussed the 'what-if' if we did not get back together. Would we be ok? The answer: Yes. We are not the end-all of each other. We could both move on, eventually.. given time. So, what now? We are still both thinking it over. I told him that I expect things out of him. And he expects things out of me. I expect him 1. be honest with me. 2. end it with candace. 3. Take care of himself financially. 4. not let me push him over. He expect me to 1. be honest 2. stop talking to B* 3. Not be as stubborn and listen to the other side of the story. We have agreed on these things if we end up back together. Well, from this.. I have realized there is nothing left in this town for me. I've moved a lot in my life and I feel my chapter here is over. I have some plans to move away and will making more. My mother lives a state away and I have a few long distance friends excited about me moving there. J* knows this and if we do get back together, he will move with me when I leave in 4 to 6 months. My dilemma is this:my options are..1. Do I call it quits with J* and start over away from this town? 2. Stick it out with J* and stay here? 3. Stick it out with J* and make the moving date a little later so we can work on our relationship before the big step? I do love J* very much and like any relationship, it will need a lot of 'watering' so to speak. We both admitting that we were very scared of getting hurt again and I'm not sure if the relationship is worth the potential hurt or if being scared is worth losing the love. I am willing to work on it. I realize there are more fish in the sea and I know I could find someone with time. However, I do want J* because of what he means to me. What does this girl do? If you want any specifics, let me know. Also, sorry this is SO long. Thank you for any responses in advance.
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female
reader, supersteph +, writes (15 June 2010):
supersteph is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, tss18. We decided to call it quits and I am moving. It'll be hard, but that's life.
A
female
reader, tss18 +, writes (14 June 2010):
 i think if you and j made it through all that , then you must have some love for each other. maybe your just not in love with each other. this is a big decision especially about moving. i think its really up to what you want deep down. since you talked it all out with him then maybe one more chance wouldnt hurt unless you have had these talks often and nothing ever came true from them. if you try again and its all wrong then be done. move away and be happy with someone else. goodluck.
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