A
male
age
51-59,
*harlieboy
writes:I have a rather lengthy question I will try to keep short.. I have been married for 4 years and I have began having an affair with a girl 17 years my jr.. My wife is 10 years my jr.. I feel like I really love this other woman.. I have been open with her more than I have anyone in my life.. I was burned badly as a teenager and even in 4 years I have not been able to be nude in front of my wife.. But the new woman makes me feel comfortable in my own body.. I am not ashamed of it with her.I do not know why. When this woman tells me my body is sexy I feel good. When my wife tells me I get angry because I know I am not.The other woman though.. She has had a checkered past. She was abused as a child and has been used for sex a lot because it helps her escape..She has had many flings and has cheated on her ex's. But I do truly feel it is her abuse that made her that way. It really feels like what she gives me relief from physically with my defects I am able to relieve her with her mental issues. I do not know if I should leave my wife.. I have tried to be open with her fully and bare my soul and body with her but I can't. I can with the other woman.. I do not want to hurt either of them.. I know even the fact I would cheat on my wife makes me know I should tell her and let her go.My GF has received a job offer and is moving about 1600 miles away.. I want her to stay but the only way I can is if I leave my wife.. Should I just let this girl go and get back to my wife and work on my body issues with a therapist? Or should I follow my heart and be happy? What about age? the 17 years actually scares me a bit.. When I am 70 she will only be 53
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): Are you insane? This young trollop will cheat on you and dump you when you get too old for her. Get professional help and learn to not be so self conscious in front of your wife.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): you should leave your wife and be with your girlfriend. this goes way beyond incompatibility. Living in a marriage where you can't be yourself around your spouse, is no marriage at all, it's a prison. you and your girlfriend may be meant for each other because you both understand each other because you've both been deeply scarred. many times people who are fortunate enough to have never had serious psychological issues, simply cannot sympathize or understand what it's like. This lack of understanding can become a barrier and it's nobody's fault. Being with someone who understands you and vice versa is part of what makes for a good relationship.
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A
female
reader, sneha09  +, writes (4 March 2011):
 well it may be because your girlfriend had experience before, you are comfortable with her and i think you should stick to your wife and visit a therapist together..will see that issue of being what you are before people with emotional issue..it sounds somewhat sick,it seems you are not out of something and you should get out of it as soon as possible...then its up to you...
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A
male
reader, charlieboy +, writes (2 March 2011):
charlieboy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all of your answers.. they all make me think a lot..firstlovelastlove No I do not want anyone to tell me I can do what I am doing.. I know I do need a counselor.. This new woman I am seeing.. She is not the first person I have been comfortable with..It just seems the only people I am comfortable with enough to be naked around are people who have deep emotional issues.. I almost think I do not care what people who are more emotionally messed up than me think of me so it makes me feel OK for them to see my body. While good strong loving caring people I am ashamed to show them.. I feel like I am ashamed to show my wife.. As sick as it sounds since I feel I am messed up in the head I feel attracted to people that share emotional issues.
freeadvice.. I do feel with a good part of my soul that her going away is a good thing.. That I will miss her and her love terribly but I can then try to fix myself which is the larger issue.
I once heard confessing about infidelity is a copout.. That if you really love your wife stop cheating and move on.. Does life really work like that? Can I make amends and Not tell her?
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 March 2011):
has your wife been cruel or heartless to you thus making you feel emotionally "unsafe" around her? If so, don't stay with someone who is cruel to you, whether or not you have someone else to be with.
the fact that you feel comfortable with someone else but not your wife, makes me wonder if it's not you who has a problem with your body image per se (otherwise you would be just as insecure in front of anyone else), but that it's a problem with your wife and your wife only.
I don't think it's wrong to leave your wife, if there's some huge wedge between you that makes you feel emotionally unsafe with her.
I don't know if a relationship with this other woman will be healthy or not. It may not have the same issues that you have in your marriage (your feelings of being able to be vulnerable and open) but you may have other serious issues because she was abused, she has a history of infidelity (as you now do as well), and you acknowledge that you're both providing each other with relief from one another's issues.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 Are you looking for us to tell you it's ok to do the wrong thing?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 March 2011):
 This is weird. There's no difference in how your wife and this mistress compliments you, yet you accept it from the mistress but not your wife.
The mistress has a sex dysfunction (from the abuse), yet she has a history of cheating on her boyfriends.
Sounds like your wife hasn't done anything wrong to you, yet you reject her for this 19-24 year old. 17 years age difference is a lot, and what's to say that her relationship with you isn't more of her dysfunction coming out?
I'm thinking your relationship with her isn't doing her any good. You, however, need a therapist no matter what you do. I strongly urge you to leave your wife because you're hurting her beyond measure. You may think "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" but believe me, she will find out. In the meantime, you're putting her in danger of disease and the household finances at risk for pregnancy.
Leave your wife whether or not you go 1600 miles with this mistress or not. However, his mistress is 17 years younger than you are and is in a different place in her life. Don't be surprised if the tables are turned on you and she cheats on you.
You should be alone and working with a therapist so that you don't hurt any more good women.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (1 March 2011):
 Wow. This is a lot to process. There are so many issues, I don't know where to begin. Okay, first about your marriage. You should tell your wife you have been sleeping with someone that has been promiscuous. You are playing with her life (and yours).
It appears as if the bloom is off the rose in your marriage. You love your wife, but you are not in love with your wife. You are in love with your girlfriend. That "in love" stage never lasts more than two years. When that fades passionate love becomes compassionate love. That is normal and will happen with the girlfriend just as it did with the wife.
It sounds as if the girlfriend is a "pleaser." She knows how to tell people what they want to hear and have them believe it. She is also 17 years younger and has a history of cheating. How long do you think it will be before she strays with you? You seem sure of your love for her. How sure are you of her love for you?
Whatever you decide, I think you should set your wife free. That would be the decent thing to do. You should allow her the opportunity to be with someone that loves her and does not cheat on her. It's not fair of you to stay married to her under the circumstances.
I understand why you are hesitant to leave your wife. You are too unsure of taking a chance with the younger woman, but now she has given you an ultimatum and you must decide. She has really put the pressure on you, hasn't she?
It would be a good idea to get therapy, but not just for the body image issue. You need an objective third party to help you navigate through this mess so that you are able to make a good decision.
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A
male
reader, free advice +, writes (1 March 2011):
Get yourself checked up with a therapist and get rid off your complexes. It is all your feeling that you are not sexier. YOur wife may be telling the truth but you are not ready to accept that because he is your wife. You accepts the girl's comment because she is not yours yet. The GF can be cheating on you too as she did with her ex. If she does, there is no returning back to your wife too. If you want to put off your lust, sleep with her and get the confidence. Don't discuss this later with your wife. Let her go away with her job and she will find someone else when you are not around. So let go off her and enjoy your wife.
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