A
male
age
,
*im3164
writes:I have been married for almost 25 years now, other than sex , we have never had much of a relationship, We could drive across country and speak very little to each other. She is deeply in love with me. We have four children but only one is left at home. 5 years ago , I met someone, who I have come to fall deeply in love with, I think about this woman always and we can talk for hours, She feels the same for me. Every love song I hear every romantic show I see I think of her.She is the first one I call if something is wrong in my life , or if something wonderful is happening to me. I constantly think how wonderful our lives would be together. However , I am still with my wife who is very dependent on me, and I cant make the move to leave her. I am miserable , my wife is miserable and the girl of my heart is miserable ,my wife knows about the other woman and she knows about my wife. Should I stay with my loyal wife who needs me or go be with the woman I truly love.Desperately need an answer Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): I'm there, too. I have loved a woman I lost for 34 years and it has never been over. I thought I would get over her, but so many things remind me of her. We each made attempts to reconnect in the past, but our timing was not right. When I married my wife, I thought I was over her and true love had come to stay. We have two beautiful and intelligent daughters. But after almost 20 years, all we talk about is her problems with my mother, how much money I spend on hobbies, and the children. There is sex, but no intimacy and no passion. For the past two years, I have felt guilty saying "I love you" at the end of a phone conversation, because I know no longer really mean it. I've tried to spark interest and intimacy again on her part, but it has gone nowhere. We are living a zombie marriage. I re-connected with my 34-year soul mate, and we both know that we have always loved each other and want to be together. But she agrees that I need to hang in there for the sake of my daughters at least until they leave home. After 34 years, we are OK with waiting five more. It's not going to be easy, but we are going to see each other when we can until I can leave when the girls are on their own. My wife's primary motivation is security, and I will leave her with a paid-off house and a nest egg that should provide her a good retirement. All I can tell you is each situation is different, and all the advice will tell you to save your marriage, I just feel that I will be dying a slow death if we stay together after the kids are gone. You have to figure it out for yourself, but try not to be blinded by anger or love. Good luck!
A
male
reader, jim3164 +, writes (12 July 2010):
jim3164 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank all of you who responded to my posting I am trying now to work out things with my wife as one of you stated cheating is not a short cut out of a bad marriage, we both have agreed to do counseling weather we stay together or split up I will lose the other woman as I deserve that .
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): I've said it before and I'll say it as many times as need be...the time to decide whether to end a marriage is BEFORE you take someone else to bed! I'm not suggesting you should stay in an unhappy marriage, but an unhappy marriage can be made very happy if BOTH parties are committed to that goal.
Your wife must have the loyalty of a puppy dog to stay with you knowing you are having an affair. You don't say in what ways she is so dependent on you, but I suspect she would survive if you were to divorce.
You need to get into counseling ASAP, with your WIFE, so both of you can decide whether your marriage can be saved. Marriage is a serious commitment, a promise to each other and to God.
Think back to the day you stood with your wife at the alter, gazing into HER eyes and thinking how beautiful she was and how you were promising to love HER forever. Think about when SHE was your go-to woman and how love songs made you think of HER. Then ask yourself which woman deserves your love and attention. If you exhaust all efforts to make it work with your wife, then at least you can end the marriage decently. But TRY. She obviously still loves you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (10 July 2010):
 After 25 years, you owe it to your wife to give her an opportunity to work with you to fix your relationship.
End your affair and go to counseling and COMMIT to it with all of your heart. You've given the other woman the last five years of your attention and affection; give your wife and your marriage a year of counseling to see if your family can be saved. If after a year things haven't improved, you can then start making plans for divorce.
You have to earn your right to leave this marriage; cheating your way out is a shortcut.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (10 July 2010):
 I agree you should leave your wife and go to the other woman that you love. Maybe leave a generous financial settlement so your wife doesn't suffer in that way (this isnt the time to be cheap...if you want to get the life you want). Emotionally she's going to be wrecked but if she knows about the 'other' woman, shes probably half way gone already.
Even though you have been married for so long, you should not stay if you are so unhappy. Something has gone way wrong with your marriage...in effect, it had died a natural death and now it's time to move on. There will be a lot of pain and worry to contend with but you and your wife will survive.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 July 2010):
Realistically, you just need to leave your wife. Yes, it will hurt her, but you can't continue to treat her this way. You need to leave her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): You really landed your ass in the clover meaning you have the best of both worlds. Please help my confusion, for 25 years you have used your wife, you have stolen the best years of her life and now you want to discard her like yesterdays garbage. Why could you have not ended your marriage when you realised that she means nothing to you? 25 years is a crime, even hardened criminals get a lighter life sentence. Your poor wife was sentenced for 25 years and in the end she has nothing but an unfaithful husband to show for it. Best of both worlds I tell you
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (10 July 2010):
 If you are certain you could split up your marriage amicably.
I do not see how your wife is so dependent upon you that she could not in any way survive without you.
If you died would your wife die?
Now to the more important part. It seems you've cultivated a great deal of emotional intimacy with this other woman, and so you have grown attached to her and in some way bonded with her. If in fact you do love her deeply, then you would have to sacrifice your own happiness to stay with your wife.
Now honestly your wife is loyal to you. But does she really want to hold onto you knowing that you're in love with someone else and are not happy in the marriage?
How can your wife remain happy in your marriage?
More importantly considering all social constraints, why isn't your wife headed out the door yet? Is she so dependent upon you that she has no self-worth, no self-image outside of your marriage, such that she cannot make a new life with someone else? Or alone?
All of these questions might be better answered in some kind of marriage counseling, if for any reason to facilitate ending your marriage so you can move on, and so can she.
Right now, no one's happy and it looks like a stale-mated love triangle.
...............................
|
