A
female
age
41-50,
*non32
writes:Should I leave my husband?I am 32. I have been married for 12 years and have 3 children aged between 7 and 12.My husband is 23 years older than me. We have been together for a very long time. He is the only man I have ever been with.I told him on Monday I don't love him anymore. I haven't loved him for a long time. I told him I was unhappy last year. At that time he threatened to commit suicide, so I took back what i had said. The next morning he acted as though nothing had happened. When I told him I didn't love him the other day his reaction was odd. He said I couldn't leave as I was the only one who was unhappy. Since then he has carried on as normal.Although I don't love him anymore - I do care about him. He is a good father to the children. Our relationship is more like father and child - than husband and wife and in some ways i feel like a teenager trying to leave home for the first time.I have researched the possibility of leaving. Costed out different scenarios - if i took the children, if i left them with him (which i don't want to do, but i fear it may be less stressful for them).Financially, leaving would be a disaster. Our house is worth a lot less than we paid for it - and we would have to sell it. We have substantial debts too.Do I go - and follow my heart and dreams - or do I stay - and remain unhappy in the interests of him and the children. I am torn.
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male
reader, gumbbo +, writes (20 February 2009):
Well now you have mentioned the control issues that is very different. I think you will find he is probably extremely insecure. Bear in mind that you are only 32! You could quite feasibly leave him and have another family with a man your own age, and he knows it, my mother had me at 34. So I think a lot of this control could be to do with fear on his part, that you could have another life after him, he would find it very difficult to pick himself up if you left. He is very wrong to try to turn your children against you, but perhaps this is his way of holding onto them (all be it wrong way).Why don't you try counseling? But if you are desperate, you'll have to do what you feel is right, if that means leaving then so be it.
A
female
reader, Anon32 +, writes (20 February 2009):
Anon32 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much. xxx
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A
female
reader, didda123 +, writes (20 February 2009):
 Well separation and divorce is not all it is cracked up to be, believe me i am speaking from experience but on the other hand you only get one life and it should be happy one.
Your life and happiness is just as valuable as that of your children's but they must obviously be your priority whilst you are considering splitting from your husband.
You must consider the knock on effect of your separation it will have a major effect on not only yourself but your surrounding family and possibly even your friends it will disrupt your social circle and you may even loose friends.
I am not saying these things to put you off but just so you can consider every eventuallity which i am sure you are doing now.
If you can split on a mutual basis i am sure things will be much less hostile. You need to have another serious though gentle talk with your husband and let him know that you will still be there for him only not under the same roof, you don't have to move far away at least whilst the children are still young and then your children can come and go between the two of you whilst they are still young they will adapt easily to these arrangements.
If you are amicable about each other and do not bad mouth each other infront of your children they will be less inclined to suffer from your break-up as the majority of consequences, hurt and unhappiness are created due to the anger and bad feelings which is almost always prevelant amongst the parents due to the fact that there is always one who is extremely hurt.
You only have one life and there is no reason that it should be lived unhappily it would be a travisty to do so.
I hope that you can work things out to the benefit and happiness of everyone concerned. Good luck x
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A
male
reader, cian  +, writes (20 February 2009):
 If control is an issue, do not be blinded by his words.You need to do what is best for you and the kids.He's a big boy. He can survive whatever comes.
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A
female
reader, Anon32 +, writes (20 February 2009):
Anon32 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for you words.Control has been a major issue in the relationship. He has a tendency to control what I do and where I go. He gets upset if I spend time with friends and uses emotional black mail a lot. Although we are friendly with each other at the moment, he was married before and it ended very very badly, with the main victims being his children from that marriage, I fear that if I push to gain more freedom, our relationship will end the same way. He has already begun turning our children against me. The last straw was when he told me that they hated me - which they do not - not at all.
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A
male
reader, cian +, writes (20 February 2009):
Dear Anon Female,There is no one "right" answer for your situation. I ask you the following...If you haven't felt respect or trust, it might be time to leave him. If communication has broken down, its might also be time to leave him. Can any of these things be salvaged if they are not there? If no, then its time to go. If yes, or if you are still mutually respectful, trustworthy, and willing to talk, its time to discuss your needs. I hear a strong case building around your emotions. I hear a need for change, independence, financial security, etc.Perhaps you can negotiate a win-win. Focus on your needs, and not your position... Weigh out if your relationship cannot be reconciled by a negotiation. If you are up to your ears in debt, would leaving force bankruptcy? how is your new-found happiness assured? Could the kids fare well in a split family? How can you fare? How can he fare?You discuss that you care for him still, but are not in love. Many relationships end up this way, and divorce is a viable option. If you go this route, based on your key points, it would be likely that you would obtain dual-custody. And because you sound like you can work together while being apart, this shouldn't affect the kids.Although the dynamic changes, they are of an age that won't take it poorly. (your youngest may be angry about it at first).In terms of the suicidal note, it seems he is stating this because he is overwhelmed. This is a challenging issue to cope with, and he could end up in a depressive cycle. If this is the case, he could very well be at harm. However, if he is just saying it to control you, then do whats best for you and your kids... get away from that unhealthy relationship. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, gumbbo +, writes (20 February 2009):
The advice i'll give is practical, I'd stay till the 7 year old is at least 10, then take that one with you, the older ones might decide to stay with there father as they'll be more mature and won't rely on you like they did when they were young. Also the credit crunch will be ending and the value of your house will go up. Could you stick it out 3 more years, are your children worth it?
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