A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Agony Aunts:I have asked my husband of 23 years years for a divorce. We have our house on the market. We are living under one roof until the house sells which is working very well so far. We have a 19 year old girl and a 12 year old boy.My husband has never touched me abusively and is gainfully employed. He is extremely attached to me, but is extremely UN-attached to our children. He's the most selfish person I've met and I'm just not in love with him any more and haven't been for many, many years.And our sex life was miserable. I have never experienced an orgasm with him in the whole 26 years we've been together!There is noone else as a third party on either side. Nor will there be on my side until I'm divorced. I've never had an affair and neither has he (that I know of). That's not what this whole thing is about for me.I just want to start over and create a new, happier life where I'm my own boss. I've been a single parent, more or less, for my whole children's lives, so I know I can be on my own. I make three times more money than my husband, so I can easily do it financially as well. I don't want to go through counseling, I just want to start over.He is devastated and would change however I would want him to, but there's just no love/passion there on my part. I do care about him and his extended family but love him in a brotherly way now and I don't see that ever changing.Am I doing the right thing? Should I put my own happiness before my children's? Or my husband's happiness? I feel deep in my gut that I'm doing the right thing and that I'll be really happy with my decision in the future. What do you guys think?
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female
reader, jen_ann1 +, writes (29 May 2010):
I respect you for being so confident in your decision; however, please remember that being married for 23 years is a gift, an achievement! I know that you are frustrated with your relationship, but I don't feel like you have much ground to stand on for a divorce. Is he abusive? Has he cheated? Be glad that he loves you so much - this love is hard to come by. I have a husband who loves the children more than me, and I can not express how incredibly lonely I feel. I hate to hear that you have never had an orgasm with him - has he? Being that you two have been married for so long, you guys could have a lot of fun exploring this venue. Get some books! Get kinki! Have fun!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): People grow and people change sometimes together other times not. Appreciate what you had together as it was meant during that time.
The promise to change is short live we can not change who a perosn is inside anymore than when we finially get to the point you are at can we bring true love back.
It is never easy to hurt someone but there is more hurt and resentment to grow if either are trying to be someone you are not.
I admire the courage and steps you have taken for the both of you. Though he may not admit it he knows inside something was/is worng in the marriage. The kids may have hid it for some years filling the emotional void you had with your husband.
He may be a good guy just not for you..he is attached to you but though reading this I don't think on the emotional level you need him to be else the kids would matter and he would have fulfilled your needs at some point in 26 years.
You can love and care about him he gave you two wonderful children but you have now taken a step towards the future. Yes there will be pain and heartbreak for everyone and you will carry the guilt but you should have also felt a sense to relief to have finially said those words to him.
Like the other poster said you can not be responisble for his happiness nor he yours.
Strength and all the best to you..
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A
female
reader, MinnieM  +, writes (31 October 2009):
26 years without an orgasm with your partner.....you deserve a sainthood............move on & let him improve his own life!
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A
male
reader, Trans Am Man +, writes (31 October 2009):
 I stopped reading at "He is devastated and would change however I would want him to" This part really got to me. I don't know you and you don't me but I'm begging you give him the chance to change. I begged my ex to let me try to change for her and she wouldn't give me the chance. He really seems to love you. I understand you say you just don't love him but you have to consider his feelings.
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A
female
reader, pancakes rule  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 Often married people who aren't in love tend to have a good few problems rather than just not being in love. Although you have to think about your own happieness, because honestly, your kids will get over it, they aren't too young that they won't understand and if you honestly think that it would make you happier in the long run, then it may be time to let go of your husband.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): I was 15 when my mum finally left my dad. It had been along time coming. In all my life I never saw them kiss, hug or even hold hands. My dad is the boring type of man in that he just likes to sit and watch tv all day and never go out anywhere. he also didnt help with me, my brother or sister. i didnt think he liked us much.
I understood that my mother needed more than that and didnt resent her for leaving him. My dad actually became a bit better, in that he was more attentive to myself, my brother and sister. I stayed with him though as i had issues with my mum and through the years I have come to accept him for who he is.
Your kids will be upset at first but will soon realise that you have needs as a person and if your just not getting them then you were always going to leave. I actually admire you for trying for sooo long.
Best wishes for your future
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): Your post is so unusual that I have to think you're being candid with us. So often people are talking about abuse, addictions, affairs and other things that objectively make the relationship intolerable. But you're describing a disfunction of quite a different nature.
I guess the question is, what changed and when? You were content to get married and make babies together earlier. What killed those feelings? Or were you always just 'making do?'
When people initiate the break with no lover to go to I think that what they're feeling has to be pretty genuine. People will do lots of things on the high of a new love. But to make the break in a considered way with no outside influence? Nobody does that on a whim.
It doesn't really benefit anyone for you to stay when your heart isn't in it. This will probably be hardest on your son, particularly if his father wasn't that involved when they lived in the same house. But maybe your husband will rise to the occasion and put more effort into being a father.
I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you. I hope your new life is better than your old.
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