A
female
age
41-50,
*ramara
writes:Hello Dear CupidsI discovered my boyfriend had been emailing female contacts he has on yahoo and also paltalk, to talk about sex. I discovered after I checked his computer after he had repeatedly clicked off the screen quickly when I came in to the room. I had previously asked him had he been emailing women/on chat rooms and he said he hadn't. He admitted the he had about 30 contacts on yahoo messenger and had recently opened an account on paltalk, which he used mainly to talk about sex (he says no web cams but that had sent naked pictures of themselves).I have been feeling really hurt and betrayed. He has been extremely sorry and has said he won't use these websites again, that he considered it 'interactive porn', but the trouble is he still hid it from me and therefore cheated in my eyes. It has been going on for most of our year and half relationship. I am especially hurt because we moved in together 5 months ago, and although we have generally got so much closer our sex life has reduced to about twice a month, a big difference to before. I broached this in an open, non-accusatory way, saying that it is important to me to have sex, to make love, and is there something going on? I thought perhaps he was feeling depressed (he often seems this way) but he had no answer and was really defensive. Since this discovery he says didn't feel the cyber sex had anything to do with our lack of sex life. But when I had checked his favourites he had been on paltalk talking to women everyday over that past week where we had no sex and I had said to him I missed our intimacy. I am really open-minded, incredibly adventurous in bed, and we often talk and fantasise together so I am really sad that he has been turning more and more to other women instead of me. I think his cyber sex was escalating over the past few months, some of the websites he had been looking at were necrophilia porn stories for example which shocked me. I think he has a problem but he doesn't see it. When he knew I was ready to leave he was interested in getting counselling, or couples counselling, though he often back-tracks on this when we are back together.Since I found out he said he wouldn't even look at porn (not that I had a problem with that so much as I always knew he did, and we sometimes shared this together). BUT.. i checked his computer again while he was out, and he had been looking at it on occasions. I didn't mind so much because it wasn't chatting, so i let it go. Then a few days later in an argument he said 'and I haven't been looking at any porn'. I said, really? When I said that I knew he had he said 'prove it'. And then he had to backtrack again when he knew that I knew. So in other words, he is STILL lying to me. We both have so much in common, he is mostly extremely loving and considerate and kind and i have been mostly happy with him. Though he does have issues in emotionally bonding with friends, or being open about himself (i guess along with half the universe!). This has felt like a rug being pulled from underneath me. We are both 37 and I want children soon, but although he says he wants them he doesn't want them for a while and is so evasive when I mention it. I am beginning to see that I don't want children with him as he is now. But I am so scared of leaving, of missing him, of regretting it. I have ended it 3 times now but each time he has had such a strong reaction - crying, anger, hitting himself, that I have felt I needed to stay til he was ok, and then we 'slipped back' into being a couple again. Which I know i only have myself to blame for. And, surprise surprise, the sex was incredible which is what i have wanted, so that has hooked me in a bit too. (and yes, I have tried to spice up our sex life over these last months, I am beautiful and I know he desires me, this is why I feel he may have a sex addiction to the anonymity, ego trip and lack of intimacy of cyber sex).My questions is do I stay or do I go? I know only I can decide, but some other view points can really help.Sorry for the long explanation, i just wanted to cover quite a few of the facts. I feel so alone with it because although I have many friends to talk to, it's got to the stage where I feel I can't keep going back and forth with this. Any thoughts would be really helpful Thank you x
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chat room, depressed, moved in, nude pictures, porn, sex addict, sex life, want children Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Roxalicious  +, writes (30 March 2013):
It is an addiction. I am a woman with a similar addiction, and I would never in a million years actually sleep with someone else or even give them my number or real name. My sex life with my boyfriend is the best it could possibly be. We are both completely satisfied, but it involves really rough sex and a lot of 'deep throat' which we are both concerned by why we have found we love to make love in this way so much. The truth is the addiction is not all about sex its just about the escapism and the associated highs and lows. It's strange, because my boyfriend (he knows about my problem, and even tried to participate at one point) actually tried to cheat on me… he made advances to his ex while he was on holiday and she refused…I forgave him because I know it hasn't been easy for him (or me) to live with my on/off online problem. He was really honest and said it was also a way to try to block out all of the problems that were going on around us at the time. He also flirts a lot in real life every time he has a drink, like he needs approval from all women for his own self confidence. And I am the same but only at least it's online and there is no risk of me bringing home a disease! We are both going to start sex therapy.
A
female
reader, tramara +, writes (24 February 2013):
tramara is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks so much for your comments. The general response to my question seems to be 'you can do better, move on' which is what I need to hear! I know no single person, or hundreds of people, can tell me what is right but it does help to hear others thoughts.I personally agree with Yos that there is such a thing as addiction to cybersex/sex. But that there are also people who are addicted to the internet and this may not include anything sexual. Also many people just cheat repeatedly via the internet and 'in real life' because they don't give a toss and that isn't necessarily an addiction. It makes me very sad but I believe my partner has a sex addiction. I could be wrong, he could just be very compulsive and slightly narcissistic. In a way considering he had an addiction has helped me stay because I felt that there could be some healing from it, for him and for me. But he isn't willing to see that he has a problem- he is in denial or just unable to face this right now. And is therefore not willing to make steps towards therapy or whatever is on offer to help. Even if it's not an addiction I believe there is a problem to deal with here- he is turning the vast majority of his sexual energy towards other women online when he has someone there who he claims to loves and adore. I can't make him say 'whoppee i'm ready to sort this stuff out'. But I also feel he has been very selfish, has lied and betrayed me repeatedly and why should I hang in there with someone (addiction or not) if this has happened? I know this but yes the reality of ending it is a whole lot harder. And I know that in general people would agree. Thanks for your words of support.
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A
male
reader, SumGuy +, writes (24 February 2013):
It doesnt matter what he is or is not addicted to. He is cheating on you regardless. End it now.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (24 February 2013):
 Depends. Yes someone can be going online because they just feel like cheating and are generally in control of their actions. Or they could be addicted to it: being compelled to do it and suffering side effects if they try not to, such as cravings and anxiety.Reading this original post and the responses it sounds like an addiction to me. You can't diagnose accurately over a discussion board of course but the signpost are:"He had repeatedly clicked off the screen quickly when I came in to the room". That's extreme risk taking behaviour, not characteristic of someone who is cheating 'normally' but rather someone who is strongly compelled to do it."He had been on paltalk talking to women everyday". He's doing it every day and with a range of different women. A cheater might focus on a single person - the one they get the best sexual chemistry with - plus is not compelled to do it every day."Some of the websites he had been looking at were necrophilia porn stories for example which shocked me." That's not a cheating issue, it sounds very much like the desensitisation people can experience after extended porn addiction."Though he does have issues in emotionally bonding with friends, or being open about himself". Social and emotional withdrawal are side effects of addiction. With him they may not be, but they are indicators."I feel he may have a sex addiction". The op herself feels he may have an addiction.To me these combine to suggest addiction, or at least make it likely.Whether you want to call it a cyber-addiction, an internet-addiction or a sex-addiction I think is immaterial. The main thing is whether he's behaving badly and able to control it, or addicted to this behaviour and has lost control. How you handle the problem is very different in each situation.Sorry to derail your post a bit tramara (op).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): bronze adonis is spot on in my opinion. internet addiction is a different argument. i would rather live with an internet addict than a cheat who doesnt care less about who he hurts, anytime. the reason he is doing it on the internet is because he thinks no one can see him.
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (24 February 2013):
 I am sorry to contradict you Yos, but do not confuse cheating online with internet addiction. I have been through it. Cheating and surfing the web are two completely different addictions.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (24 February 2013):
 Internet addiction is excessive computer use that interferes with your daily life. When you keep going on the internet to find someone to swap dirty pics of each other/ masturbate together/ talk about hooking up/ arranging to hook up/ watch each other on cams etc, then that is not an internet addiction. The internet is just a tool you are using to cheat on your partner. I will have to disagree with Yos.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (24 February 2013):
To answer Liberal7686: "Do people really get addicted to cyber cheating?"
Yes. There is a rapidly growing amount of evidence coming from different areas: neuroscientists, behavioural psychologists, addiction councillors, self-help groups and more that show that the 'instant reward' nature of the internet makes many types of behaviour highly addictive when carried out online. Many Asian countries have already recognised 'internet addiction' (and the many types of specific addiction this represents) and are trying to better understand it and treat it. The South Korean's have estimated that at least 30% of teenagers have internet addiction in that country for example and have a wide range of addiction treatment programs.
These addictions are real addictions, not just 'things we enjoy'. That means the same brain changes that a drug addict, gambling addict or compulsive eater would have including cravings, withdrawal symptoms, mood and personality changes and the tendency to lie to themselves and others about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): Why should you go through all this shit just because he enjoys this sad whatever it is sex with a women online, who are just as sad as he is? You cannot give him all the attention and ego boosts that he needs. No one person could. Don't waste anymore of your time on this saddo.
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A
female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (24 February 2013):
This to me, imo, is far far worse than a man looking at or addicted to porn (which is bad enough). He is interacting with a real person. He is cheating and is determined to carry on cheating. He is getting off and probably masturbating over a real person in a one to one situation. I cannot understand why there are women who are desperate enough do this either. Yuk. I would dump his sorry cheating ass.
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A
male
reader, liberal7676  +, writes (24 February 2013):
Do people really get addicted to cyber cheating? If they are gambling losing someone they love and all the comfort around it, then maybe they are addicted. In my opinion though, they are just cheating in a way they think is safer, with less chance of getting caught. Just the same person who will cheat on you, if there was a real life opportunity. Like I said, just my opinion.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (24 February 2013):
"Each time he has had such a strong reaction - crying, anger, hitting himself".
He is an addict in a very real sense. Treating this needs to be done the same way you'd treat a drug addict.
He needs to come to terms with the fact he's an addict: to admit it and want to change. Then he needs addiction therapy / counselling and all that entails. He also needs to avoid temptation: the simplest way is probably to cancel his internet connection at home and downgrade to a phone without an internet connection.
But that's him. His addiction means you can't have a remotely normal relationship. Being with an addict almost always leads to huge problems. You need to look after yourself: you are with a man that is unable to put you ahead of his addiction. Which is normal or a true addict of course.
You might find this website useful: it's about pornography addiction: www.yourbrainonporn.com
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A
female
reader, tramara +, writes (24 February 2013):
tramara is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers, I love them..they do confirm many of my thoughts.I want to have a partner I respect and trust, and I feel I have lost these which says a great deal. I also agree that I know the truth in my gut. Perhaps it's now becoming more of a matter of gaining confidence in my gut beliefs and actually ending it and sticking to it, by leaving then and there. No matter how he reacts. And no matter how much I miss him. I also agree that if you do love someone you won't lie and deceive, which he has done repeatedly.And yes I do want children, or at least the possibility of having them, and I know I am wasting my precious time thanks for reminding me. Also things can sometimes be hard work (understatement maybe!) with kids or even one, and I want someone I can rely on whole heartedly. It will be tough leaving I know that, but if I do it will give myself a chance at what I deserve. I feel strong right now. I hope I stay feeling strong and end this. Wish me luck . Thanks again x
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A
female
reader, tramara +, writes (24 February 2013):
tramara is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers, I love them..they do confirm many of my thoughts.I want to have a partner I respect and trust, and I feel I have lost these which says a great deal. I also agree that I know the truth in my gut. Perhaps it's now becoming more of a matter of gaining confidence in my gut beliefs and actually ending it and sticking to it, by leaving then and there. No matter how he reacts. And no matter how much I miss him. I also agree that if you do love someone you won't lie and deceive, which he has done repeatedly.And yes I do want children, or at least the possibility of having them, and I know I am wasting my precious time thanks for reminding me. Also things can sometimes be hard work (understatement maybe!) with kids or even one, and I want someone I can rely on whole heartedly. It will be tough leaving I know that, but if I do it will give myself a chance at what I deserve. I feel strong right now. I hope I stay feeling strong and end this. Wish me luck . Thanks again x
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 This case scenario is in the millions and countingYou can be as open-minded, incredibly adventurous in bed, talk often and fantasise together as such as you like; yet there’s always going to be a ‘BUT clause’ in this relationship whilst he turns more and more to other women instead of you.Past behaviour is indicative of future behaviour; so how open-minded are you? Fact is; we’re not designed to accept this sort of behaviour – cheating or wandering eyes etc. On the other hand; some guys and certain people revel in this grey area and don’t consider this cheating or a matter of moral integrity/character? I attribute this flawed thinking to our Internet generation.Bottom line is; you want someone who adores you and respects you, evidently someone “you can have respect for” is starting to out weigh the incredible sex!? A one on one relationship, and not 30+ women besides! Take CareCAA
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (23 February 2013):
I went through this for years. You think he has "a sex addiction to the anonymity, ego trip and lack of intimacy of cyber sex" as you put it. The thing is, you can look for reasons and answers forever. You never find the answers, and then you will end up even more confused. The truth is, he is selfish and not really bothered whether you get hurt or not. If he loved you, he would not want to do that weird internet shit, he would not want to deceive and lie to you, he would not need outside attention and his ego constantly feeding. You are not going to put up with this forever. The sooner you get out the better.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (23 February 2013):
There seems to be an awful lot about cyber sex/cheating on here lately. Unfortunately it seems to be like a drug to some of those that do it. If he has a problem and will not stop it and you cannot believe him, then it is on course to end anyway. It depends how long you are prepared to suffer before you decide to walk away.
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