A
female
age
41-50,
*onfused and lonely
writes:My husband and I have been together now for about 14 years. We have 2 beautiful children. However, i am so sick of dealing with his selfish ways. He has cheated 3 times, the first was about 9 years into our relationship and was a full on relationship with a girl that lasted about 2-3 months and she was more than 10 years younger than him. I was in complete shock. I would have never thought he was capable of that. We split for about a month and a half and i moved out during that time. He begged for forgiveness most of that time and i went back to him. I thought that we communicated so much better afterwards it seemed to oddly be the best thing to happen to us. We also moved hundreds of miles away from that situation and my family and closer to his family. About 2 years later, he came and told me he wasnt happy with me and needed a break from us. I was baffled but gave him his space and he moved in with his brother supposedly until he could figure out what he wanted. Of course he was again seeing a girl and she was also about 8 yrs younger. He didn't tell me he had found someone just that he loved me but wasn't happy and needed the space to find out if thats what he needed for happiness. I was alone, and hundreds of miles away from my family. I tried to give him space until i started to realize that he was with another girl and then i got angry and told him he was a liar and manipulated me and i was done and moving with our kids back near my family. Once he realized i was serious he said that he realized that i was the only one he wanted and to please be with him. So of course i gave in and said that he would have to move back with me close to my family immediately.He did and things were ok but not great. I was really having a hard time moving past this. And found that him and he girl were still talking long distance for about a week after moving back. Things moved right along until about 7 months after moving back i found out that again he was talking to a girl and again she was young about 23 so about 9 or so years younger than him. It was very short lived because i found out fast. He again said that he just didnt know if he wanted to be with anyone and that he didn't want to be with me or her. This time i kept things quiet, i mean, i didnt tell my family about it. I was and am ashamed. He again acted like he wasnt sure he wanted to be with me until i was getting to the "had enough of this" point. But i never left him and we just moved on from it. I feel like i had to tell you all of that to get to my main point, which is, I am tired of feeling second class. I am tired of not feeling good enough. He can be selfish at times and sweet as pie others. I love him but i couldnt even tell you why. I feel worn down and often these feelings come up and i hold them in to myself. Things are great, most times, i think. But i feel i must not love myself enough. I feel like i want to leave him to heal myself and respect myself more but at the same time i dont want to leave him. Why do i feel this way. Should i leave him? Why? I am just so confused. I dont want to go because i am so invested in this relationship and i love him but i feel like i am allowing myself to accept less than the best if i stay. Please help!
View related questions:
a break, liar, long distance, moved in, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): You have had the most fantastic advice from people on here, act now because the years pass by so quick and you are giving your young healthy years to a selfish poop! I did it, I put up with cheating and lies because I loved him and the grief just gave me heart disease, be stronger than me, enjoy your life, do not spend the rest of it wondering and waiting, PLEASE!
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 October 2012):
 If leaving is just way too big a step, despite how he makes you feel, then book in for some extended counselling to help you better clarify the priorities in all this.
Parents who are not completely in sync where one party to the marriage is treated with contempt (that what a cheat is doing) is not good for the children.
The children are not seeing a marriage at it's best. They are seeing an awful lot of one-way compromise.
Your children would feel and experience the tension even if you think they are kept at arm's length from the tension. It truly is not good for you nor for your children to siffer the actions of your selfish husband.
...............................
A
female
reader, Confused and lonely +, writes (24 October 2012):
Confused and lonely is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFinancially im stable, i make good money, certainly enough to support myself and my kids. I love him. When i think about leaving him it all sounds good in theory. But when it comes down to it i start freakin out in the inside, i think of how life without him would be during the holidays or birthdays, or family trips would be empty. Then i think about the fact that i do love him. It feels like my emotions are a vicious cycle that im trapped in.
...............................
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (23 October 2012):
 Also a wise person once told me not to think about the future. When breaking up you worry about everything in the future without the other person, and what people will think or say. Don't think about it, deal with it as it happens. It is never as bad as your imagination makes it out to be. Only worry about your current situation and what you will be doing right now to get over this now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (23 October 2012):
You stick with him because you are comfortable, you know him. You want someone there at all times like a husband should be, like you said for holidays etc. You like having a husband and the idea of marriage, can't stand the thought of starting over as single. You are terrified of being alone and so you stay even with his abhorrent behavior. Also it doesn't help that if you do get the strength to be alone after a certain cheating incident he then comes crawling back and saying he loves you. It zaps your last bit of strength you have to leave, why be alone if he wants to be with you and you don't have to be? See being dumped and left you are forced to move on, but forcing yourself to move on from someone and forcing yourself to be on your own takes a lot of strength and confidence.
All I can say is he isn't worth it. Being alone is scary, especially after 14 years with a man. Being with a man that treats you like a doormat and makes you dislike yourself is worse than being alone. The stigma you have attached to being single and divorced is wrong. It's better to be single and starting life over as a strong independent woman than to be the poor woman who is cheated on and she takes it. No one will look down on you for going to Christmas get togethers on your own. If anyone asks where he is you hold your head high and say he cheated and you moved on from him. I know I've looked at women who can move on with admiration, but the latter situation I just feel pity. It doesn't make you better off to have a husband than being single when the husband is a cheater.
Of course it's easier to just stick with the relationship. He isn't going anywhere and it is easier to just deal with it so you aren't alone. But guess what? Nothing worth doing is easy. And getting out of your comfort zone is never easy, it is very hard work. But if you are ever going to be happy and love yourself you need to. This man won't change, he has shown it time and again. Why not free yourself to find someone who does treat you right? Who doesn't make you feel so low and second best? You need to love yourself and respect yourself to ever be happy in life. And you won't ever have that with this man.
What may help ease you into it is a trial separation. He or you leaves and there is no contact. To see his kids he goes through your parents or a friend is there when he comes by to deter any attempts he has at sweet talking you. During this separation you can learn to be on your own. Keep busy to keep your mind off of things. Get a new hobby and rediscover yourself and what makes YOU happy. I think after time of being apart you will have the strength to make it permanent. But you need to be able to avoid your husband's begging to come back. The fact is everything he does is just to keep you around. It isn't out of love so don't get confused. He wants to keep you because you won't leave... He can try his flings and knows you won't really go anywhere. He knows all it takes are some roses and "I love you's" and you are back. There may be a part of him that loves you as a person, but not true monogamous respectful love that you deserve.
So don't listen to his crap. Gain the strength to get away. Don't bother with counseling because he won't ever change. First time he cheats, shame on him. The second time he cheats and you still stay, shame on you. The third time.... Come on.... Don't settle for second best and being a doormat. You can do better. If you don't believe in yourself then believe me, you are stronger than you think.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (23 October 2012):
 I understand that feeling, god knows I do. We all have our limits and in time, if he don't change his ways, the scales will tip against him and you will find the strength to act.
I am not here to tell you to end things but if life does not improve, maybe one day you will find the courage you need.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 October 2012):
 Have you ever read the book "Passages"? I recommend it. It won't "solve" the problems that you have experienced... but it WILL help you to understand why we guys act like the a*sholes that we sometimes do (act).....
Sorry to read of your travails. Hope something changes, soon, so that you don't have to continue in your predicament....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, Confused and lonely +, writes (23 October 2012):
Confused and lonely is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFinancially im stable, i make good money, certainly enough to support myself and my kids. I love him. When i think about leaving him it all sounds good in theory. But when it comes down to it i start freakin out in the inside, i think of how life without him would be during the holidays or birthdays, or family trips would be empty. Then i think about the fact that i do love him. It feels like my emotions are a vicious cycle that im trapped in.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 October 2012):
I could cry for you I really could. I hate that people have to put up with cheaters (serial cheat in your case)
I understand 100% why you feel so torn...it's hoping against hope that he will change but he hasn't in all this time has he.
I have had a relationship with a cheat in the past and it is crippling to stay and hell to leave but in the end you realise they have a social disease and it's something they need to live their life and they will never stop.
It's absolutely shocking that someone you have given so much of your life to and given precious children to treats you at best like a convienience and at worst like a doormat.
Take it from an old lady, don't stay longer than you have to, there is still time for you to find a decent man and have the love you deserve, even with children as part of the deal. A lady I work with who is around your age and has four children has finally met a guy who really cares about her...it's wonderful to see because her husband treated her like dirt.
I waited til I was past 40 to leave my lying husband, but I left it too late to meet someone else and wasted another 3 years with the cheater...never again.
Life could be so much better for you darling...think on it.
xxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): Yes, you should leave him. Some people just aren't meant to get married or even be in long term relationships, because they aren't capable of being happy with just one person. Your husband sounds like one of these people. That doesn't make him a bad person, because people can't help how they feel (or don't feel) in this case. That said, he IS acting quite selfish. He shouldn't keep asking for your forgiveness when he knows he's just going to do it again next time he gets bored of you. He isn't considering your feelings at all in this situation, only his own. He talks to other women whenever he feels like it, and doesn't care that it hurts you. The whole point of asking for someone's forgiveness is to let them know you are truly sorry for your actions that hurt them, and you won't do it again. But he KNOWS he'll do it again. It's not that you aren't good enough, or that he's not good enough. It's simply a case of you want different things. He wants variety, whereas you want a monogamous relationship. The best thing for both of you is to end your marriage, and move on from each other.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (23 October 2012):
 Hi
I would pack his things up and throw him out.He has had so many chances,he is consistently playing with your emotions and the marriage. Its not easy being a single mum but the alternative is accepting this is how he is.
You need to sort the maintenance and access too, show him once and for all that THIS is the real price you pay for cheating.
And remember it isn't because your not good enough, in fact you are TOO good,for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Confused and lonely +, writes (23 October 2012):
Confused and lonely is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI definitely dont need him for money. I make a little more than double him. He worked and played mr mom while i went to nursing school. I dont know why started cheating but then again maybe he did it before and i never noticed. I really dont know. Sometimes i get in my head im gonna leave but before i do i back out of it. I keep thinking that if i can indrstand my feelings better then i can make my mind up.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): As long as you send the message that it's permissable for him to continue to 'sample the buffet' (when he is otherwise on a strict diet) than my friend, he will. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He's the selfish one. He certainly does need to grow up. He doesn't deserve your respect, or your affection. Seperate and move on (with your children).
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 October 2012):
 this is going to continue as long as you allow it.
You don't want to leave because there is the help of having a partner (money, time, etc) and the "shame" of divorce.
his behavior is lousy and YOU have nothing to be ashamed of you have forgiven him and tried to make it work... clearly he does not want to make it work
I would strongly suggest a good and true separation... one of you moves out... preferably him. Get a good attorney to draw up the agreement for child support and any other help you will need. Set visitation for him for twice a week for dinner and every other weekend... let him get the feel for being ALONE without you daily... and you can start to feel like a whole person again.
AFTER six months you can revisit with him whether or not the separation is working... and if you both want it, maybe try some counseling together... but he's gotta grow up and accept that marriage is a commitment to one person not screwing around because she lets you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 October 2012):
 He really doesn't seem to want to be with you (no offense), but you are CONVENIENT and FAMILIAR to him.
It's not that YOU aren't good enough. He isn't enough. He isn't MAN enough to leave and let YOU find happiness.
The thing is you didn't "move on" - either of you. THAT is why HE keeps cheating and you keep feeling inferior. Like it's YOU that wasn't good enough to make him faithful. It ISN'T being faithful is a choice. He CHOSE NOT to be.
What you need to figure out, is whether you want to continue this endless cycle. (because I don't see him stopping it) or if you are done. Do you think the two of you have ANYTHING left to build on, work on, repair? If the answer is yes, I would suggest you two find a marriage counselor and GET TO WORK. Of course THAT only works of both parties want the same thing and aren't just going through the motions.
...............................
|
