A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:For the past 33 years, I have had a very rocky relationship with my parents, especially with my Mum. I do believe my Mum is narcissist who is unforgiving and selfish and I've only realised this in the past 3 years, since I've been with my boyfriend. My boyfriend has seen as well as heard stories about the way my parents treat me and he re-assures me that it is in fact them who treat me poorly and not as much me as I think. We have both agreed that my Mum is worse than Dad. Dad just believes the things Mum says and it's left at that.As young as I can remember I have always been made to believe that any problems and arguments that arise between me and my parents are always my "fault."I danced as a young girl and was beaten by Mum from about the age of 7 until 13 because I wasn't doing the dance steps "properly." My Mum told me I was being "disciplined" to be a good dancer. Another example of the way I have been poorly treated is whenever there is an argument between myself and my parents....the issues are never resolved unless I apologise and admit that I am wrong, even though I may not be wrong.My Mum and Dad will go on for months at a time not speaking to me. The only way it will ever be resolved is if I go back to them and apologise, saying it is my fault.Christmas Eve a few years ago (just before I turned 30) I was grabbed by my hair and slammed up against a cupboard door because I kept arguing with my Mum about the way the Christmas table could be set up. I was simply suggesting a better way to do it. I always get the "my house, my way" argument. After Mum slammed me against the cupboard, she kicked me out of the house and I had to stay at a girlfriend's place on Christmas Eve. I spent Christmas Day flying on the aeroplane back home (I was living away at the time) because she didn't want me at home. My parents and I are not speaking again right now and we haven't for almost 5 months. The big argument was about some renovations they were doing on their place. I suggested a friend of mine might be able to assist with the electrical work, but I said I would need to chat to him first to see if he wanted to do the work. Automatically my Mum assumed the electrical contractor would be coming! When I tried to explain to her the next time I saw her (3 days later) that I hadn't managed to get a hold of the contractor, she tried to tell me I had said the contractor WAS coming and she was disappointed my "friend" had let them down. I got so angry because of the lies and misinterpretation, that I left.I tried to go back 3 weeks later to explain my side of the story and once again, she turned the story around and tried to get me to apologise for "lying." Once again, I left. That was the last time I spoke to them.5 months later (yesterday) I wrote them a text message saying politely that I was wondering if they would be able to come over so that we can sort out the issues between us. No reply for almost 24 hours...I spoke to my boyfriend about it and he keeps telling me I am wasting my time and that I should be around people who appreciate me for who I am.I feel like I am the only one is keeping the relationship between me and my parents together (or what is left of it) It's like my parents just don't give a crap about me. That's where the selfishness comes in to play. If they really did care about me or did want to see me, they would have replied to my text message or at least tried to contact me in the past 5 months.I just don't know if I can keep on going on like this. I feel like I am giving up on our relationship but what else is there left to do? Am I a bad person for letting them leave my life completely? There is just so much emotional damage that I can't even respect them anymore. I probably shouldn't have sent them a text message to catch up but I was trying to be the "bigger person." Isn't that what I am supposed to do? My boyfriend is very supportive but has called me a "pushover" with my parents but it's so difficult because they are close to me. It's difficult not to be because they brought me into this world. How can I not want to maintain the relationship with them? I just keep getting hurt all of the time, unfortunately.My questions after you reading this are; Should I maintain my relationship with my parents? If yes / if no.....why / why not? Any suggestions on how to deal with parents like this?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (11 February 2017):
 Your mother sounds like a nightmare. However, you too sound to have either a stubborn streak or a disability to learn from your mistakes.
For instance, telling someone how to set up their Xmas table in their own house - even if well intentioned - could ruffle feathers in the best natured of people. While not making excuses for your mother, I do think perhaps you could just back off and stop provoking arguments as well.
Knowing so well what your mother is like, why are you volunteering to get friends to help her with work on the house? In your shoes I would just have nodded when she was talking about it and not volunteered ANY help. Can you imagine what grief she could have given your friend? Do you not think you should be protecting your friends rather than throwing them to the lions, so to speak?
You have had 33 years of this horrendous behaviour from your mother. Why have you still not learned any survival tricks? Like just keeping your opinions to yourself and not interfering with what your mother wants to do?
This may sound a bit harsh, and not in line with what everyone else has written, but you remind me so much of an ex friend who spends her life moaning about how awful people are to her, yet winds everyone up horrendously and is as confrontational and argumentative as they come in her dealings with people. However, when they snap back, SHE is the victim. Sometimes we make our own unhappiness.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): Your story reminds me of the book The Wild Truth by Carine McCandless. Her brother, Chris McCandless, is the guy who's story is told in the book Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer.
My point? you are not the only person who have abusive parent(s). I do not know how you can find one, but you might want to try to find some type of support group that can help you deal with your parents.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): P.S.
As they get older and more feeble, they'll lack the strength and energy to be as mean as they are in their 50's and early 60's. Let one have a near-death experience or require serious surgery. They'll want your sympathy.
As most people age, and see mortality approaching; many nasty people start to change before they meet their maker.
Once they're in their twilight-years, their friends (parents and siblings) have all died off, and they get very few visitors, or even if one of them passes before the other; you may see a gentleness or humbleness they've never shown before. Having one foot in the grave, makes some people a lot nicer; even apologetic. So look forward to that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): Some people are not cutout to be parents. Plain and simple. The majority of people easily breed; but many lack the patience, gentleness, loving-nature, and the caring good parenting demands of us.
Your parents most-likely grew-up in dysfunctional-families that showed very little affection. We are usually a by-product of our upbringing and environment. Fortunately; people don't always turn-out like their parents. Completely the opposite, in fact. Like you did.
Your parents are too old to change. They are not kind people; so they don't know how to show you the love and warmth that you crave and deserve. We don't get to choose our parents and family; so we make do with what we've got.
Being around your parents is hurtful, so avoid prolonged contact. Pay them short visits just to see how they're doing and to satisfy your urge to see them. Avoid their baiting and attempts to start arguments. Leave when the air gets tense.
If either of them ever lay a finger on you again; call the police and press charges. Assault is against the law, and your mother is out of her mind. Spanking is an old-school means of discipline; but its effectiveness is debatable. I think it does more harm than good; and children resort to violence thinking hitting is a way to get your way or brutality is a means of expressing your displeasure. If someone strikes you in anger, it is not for your good; it's to appease their anger and hostility, or need for retribution. It's an indication their anger is out of control. That's all it is.
I've seen coaches and instructors who use sticks, riding crops, or their hands to correct and discipline dancers and athletes. Try and getaway with that nowadays without a lawsuit on your hands.
Send your parents holiday and birthday cards. Check on them to make sure they are healthy and taking care of themselves. Say very little and keep visits rare. You have a need to be attached to your parents, so fulfill that. Just don't engage in arguments, offer your advice, or give them more than a 30 minute visit. I know people will tell you simply keep them out of your life. You're not the kind of person who can do that. You are loving and kind, in spite of their actions.
It isn't healthy for you to spend too much time around them. They're too hostile and volatile. So stay very formal and dignified. Be respectful and satisfy the need within you to be near them; but not too close. They aren't the kind of people who recognize your affections; and they find it very difficult to reciprocate.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (10 February 2017):
 I wouldn't suggest that you cut the ties completely but I would certainly keep contact at a minimum. Maybe send cards on the holidays, a quick phone call do what is best for you and you can deal with.
I have always had a strained relationship with my mother. I knew from a very young age that she wasn't like my friend's mothers. My mom has this thing about always having to be right and she will do whatever she can to humiliate and make you feel less. My sister and I both have suffered from insecurity and not feeling worthy because of the way my mother talked to us our whole lives. Its been a real struggle. My mom would talk down to me in front of friends, boyfriends, my husband..ANYONE that would listen to her. It was so painful and so hurtful and the best thing that ever happened to me was to move 2000 miles away. I am now 55, my mom is 80. I love her because she is my mother and I respect her, but there are times when I don't like her very much at all.
Family isn't something that you get to chose...you just get them. You chose your friends, your partner..but not your family. Sometimes you get lucky and well..sometimes you don't. Remember that...its helped me alot in my life.
I send my mom a card on every holiday, and call her about once a week. Whenever she starts talking down to me, I suddenly have another phone call, or someone is at the door. I know my mom has issues but I refuse to let her problem become MY problems. I can't handle the stress or hurt she causes.
I hope I have helped in some way. My mother too has NEVER said she was sorry for anything she has ever said or done. It took me years to stop always apologizing to people even when it wasn't my fault. It was a built in response I had acquired growing up with someone who was NEVER wrong!
Be well my dear...life is short. Too short to try and make people happy that honestly don't want to be happy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2017):
 I'd stick to birthday, Happy Easter and Christmas cards for now. You mom believes YOU owe her an apology and even if you gave her one, she would still not WANT to hear your side. She is quite fine with the "truth" as she sees it.
Sounds to me like she is looking for reasons to get into arguments with you - to KEEP power over you. With whatever means she can. Be is twisting the truth, taking a way overreacted offense to a suggestion, or downright changing the truth. And you can change that IN her. THIS is who she is. Abusive and manipulative. You dad probably gave up years ago so now he just follows her lead because it's EASIER for him (after all he LIVES with her permanently).
I don't think you owe your parents to ALWAYS be the one to bend when she is having tantrums. And I agree with your BF that they are NOT a positive influence on you at all. BY choice. THEY choose not to be.
I must be draining trying to please your mom.
You CAN keep trying, but you HAVE to stop with the expectations. SHE will never change. So if you can adjust to that, then keep in contact. If you can't/won't keep it to a bare minimum.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (10 February 2017):
 Why would you want to prolong this unsavoury relationship with parents who treat you so badly? I can't see what you gain from it except some misplaced sense of duty?
Go and enjoy the rest of your life free from the tyranny -is that too strong a word - of your oppressive mother and father.
And don't look back!
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