A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a weird situation and I don't know how should I feel...My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. He loves me a great deal, as he supported me through depression, always does his best to make me feel special and is very sweet and romantic, he has also been very patient with me when I've thrown tantrums, and has been working on his jealousy and forgiving me for lying, also giving me a second chance to rebuild his trust in me.I lied to him a couple of times about a certain guy in my past. This guy had introduced us and was very close to both of us, until I told my boyfriend that 3 years prior to meeting him, I had given this (now ex) friend a blowjob, when I was 15 and he was 19, because I had a crush on that friend back then but he didn't reciprocate so I (stupidly, I know, but I was 15) used sex to try to make him fall for me. My boyfriend had become suspicious that we had had a history together, and I denied it, but out of guilt came clean immediately. My boyfriend didn't leave me and instead is trying to rebuild his trust in me.However, there's this thing... he hates what I did. My boyfriend had an ex cheat on him, although he says she didn't actually cheat: they started dating unofficially but exclusively, and at that time she snook behind his back to mess around with his best friend. Then my boyfriend asked her to be his girlfriend and have an official relationship. Three months later, she told him she had been with his firend early in the relationship when they weren't official. My boyfriend got mad and broke up with her, he says she didn't cheat, that she only lied.Before that he had had a friend with benefits. They did sexual stuff. However, some time later he found out that this girl simultaneously had another friend with benefits, and... an official boyfriend! Yet, he still finds that what I did - using sex in the hopes of the other guy falling in love with me - is more pathetic. He says that's the lowest he's heard a girl has gone, that it's the most pathetic and dissapointing thing a girl can do. He says the situations that happened with his exes were better, because they weren't as pathetic as me. But they were WITH HIM when they did it, and I Wasn't, it happened 3 YEARS PRIOR to even meeting him, I was single, yet he thinks I'm more pathetic?! Still, to him, I'm the most pathetic.I got mad and broke up with him (because apparently his exes were better), but he later explained that yes, the SITUATIONS were better, that my situation was more pathetic and sad, but that I was still the best girl he's ever had. That I was better than his exes, taht they were dull anyway. That he still loves me a great deal and wants to be with me, and that I have good qualities that go beyond what those girls could ever dream of having or being. That the good outweighs the bad, he says. That the only reason why he finds it pathetic is that I'm such a great girl and that it makes him sad that I would do such a thing just to get the affection of a dumb guy (yeah, my ex friend isn't really boyfriend material I realize now), when I'm great just the way I am and shouldn't go that far and denigrate myself in such a way just to try to make someone notice me.Still, I'm a bit upset and can't help but compare to them and feel that I come worse than them. What do you think? Am I more pathetic than them? Should I just let this go and completely forgive him and believe that I'm the best?
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female
reader, pieinthesky29  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 I've been in a very similar situation, as in before I started going out with my now year long boyfriend I'd use sex to make myself feel loved and worth something (foolish I know but at the time it seemed the answer to my depression), but this was with people I only vaguely knew, so I guess you could say what I did was worse.
My boyfriend felt that he wanted to save me from this, and as we grew closer it hurt him more that I wanted to stoop so low just to be wanted, but never really accused me of being pathetic, we worked through it together & I've come out stronger.
Of course I don't know your situation completely, but it seems like your boyfriend just wants the best for you and to help you believe in yourself, and you're asking if you should believe him that you're the best & move on? Well I'd say definitely. I totally understand your doubt, similarly I compared myself with my guy's exes & he also said the situations were better but I believe now that that doesn't mean he loved them more.
If your boyfriend is still saying that what you did was pathetic then I don't think that's right at all. Yes, you made a mistake but everyone does, you're not exactly proud of it and you want to move past it, so if he is I'd advise you to tell him exactly how you feel and how you've moved on, and won't have him put you down like that.
But if he isn't and it's your doubts that are getting you down, I'd definitely say try to forget them, concentrate on the future, forget about any mistakes and don't compare yourself to anyone else. If he says you're the best then he means it. You just need to believe it :)
Sorry for such a long-winded answer! I hope some of it helped
Good luck!
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): How should you feel?
You should feel exactly the way you want to feel, no more and no less.
No one should ever tell you how to feel. It's personal. It's yours. Even when you are in a relationship your own feelings are still yours.
Are you the best?
Oh yes. Actually, no. You're second best. I'm the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Wow, I think your a bit harsh on your boyfriend. He supports you through depression, forgives your lies and tantrums and you go ballastic because he comments on your sexual history. He has a history of women who lie to him, so what do you do, you lie to him, and yet he still he forgives you.
Of course having sex to find love is a pretty sad thing for anyone to do. But it's in your past. Your angry with him, not for bringing up the past but because your ashamed of your own behaviour.He loves you, thinks your great and can't believe that you ever gave your body away to find love. Rather than realise his sharing your hurts, you go and dump him.
Carry on like this and you will be more pathetic than his ex-girlfriends, cause your gonna dump a great guy whose worth more than you can ever imagine. I'm feel sorry for you!
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A
male
reader, Andrew83 +, writes (12 May 2008):
 Hi there..
He's tried to explain to you that what you did was pathetic, that you didnt need to do or go that low to get someone to notice you, to even like you. It doesnt work like that really.
I see that he still loves you a great deal and has stood by you through it all, supportin you and more.
What are you upset about! Do you see your bf with you still, has he walked out yet, if they were better than you dont you think he would be with them and not you.. He's with you, he wants to be with you and thinks you're the best he's been with and is still with you.
The both of you have to put this behind you and move on in your relationship.
Forgive each other, its in the past now so leave it in the past where its the best place for it and move on.
I hope this and any other aunts post helps too.
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A
male
reader, uncle_baj +, writes (12 May 2008):
 the only reason he sees it as more pathetic is cos he loves u more than the others,so when u do something wrong it makes it more worse than the ex cos it matters more you see? hes obviously proud of u and the though of your naivity at that time has took u off the pedestal hes had u on all this time,and i have to be honest when i say he wont ever forget it,but rubbing it in ur face will go with time but in HIS time so dont push him,but learn ffrom ur mistakes as we all know,the truth always come out,hope this helps u x
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