A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Help, urgent advice needed. You are probably sick of my saga. My husband had a 'text affair' with a work colleague and although it's over he still has to liaise with her and attend work related committee meetings (he doesn't see her on a daily basis as they work at different premises). Anyway, he doesn't know I can access his emails and all those from her are purely work BUT he had one today which he's not yet opened and I'm worried it could bring them closer again. She emailed that she'd had an enquiry from a new potential committee member who wants to attend their next meeting (she's secretary of this committee and my husband is a senior partner) and that this person would like to meet with her to discuss what the committee does. She was emailing my husband to ask advice as to how to reply to this enquiry. Now my dilemma is a) should I delete the email before he reads it? or b) worry that if he reads it he may suggest that he is also present at the meeting as she isn't senior enough to advise this new person cos I can't see him leaving her to it on her own with some stranger? I suppose he might just say don't even meet the person, just tell them to attend the next meeting and find out for themselves in which case there would be no problem. Would it be better to delete it or see what he does actually suggest when he reads it and risk him suggesting he attends too thus throwing them together with a common interest and the spark may rekindle as it will be more personal than meeting at a big committee thing? Also, do you think that if he truly loves me as he says and is trying to prove it and win my trust back, he should resign from this bl**dy committee and give me one less headache and reason to doubt? Thanks for any thoughts and advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): I understand why you feel the way you do. I have checked my husband's e-mails and found something that I didn't like. I also looked through his wallet and found a note from a woman I think. When I confronted him, he just lied and I wish now that I hadn't done it all. I imagine what he is up to when he isn't home and eventually I will ask him to leave. All those people are right - you should stop checking up on him and get out of the house. He's either not worth it and you can't stop his cheating or he is an honest guy and you would be pushing him over the edge with your snooping.
A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (26 March 2009):
 It's a unanimous NO.
As for you, I know how hard it is not to snoop, but don't snoop. I'm a super snooper myself and I usually regret it later.
If he truly wants to be with you alone and not revert to his other behavior, he will. Snooping will not stop him if he itches to cheat and it'll only make you miserable when he finds out you did it. Then he may decide that there's no reason to stay faithful to you since you think he was already up to monkey business anyway!
So, bite your tongue and distract yourself with something you like to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): in your previous post, you said that he physically assualted you a few days ago, when you harped on about his affair. how are you holding up?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 March 2009):
 If you want to keep an ounce of self respect and sanity STOP snooping. Trust me on this one.
I know that you most likely don't trust your husband much these days, but you have to give him the chance to prove that he can be trusted again. That can not be done by you snooping. The snooping will only make your imagination work overtime ( like it is now).
Do not delete work related e-mails either, it will come back and bite you in the bum.
Try and focus some of that energy into yourself. Do something for yourself. Concentrate on YOU and YOUR husband not the OW.
You might also want to tell your husband about your fears and feelings. He really needs to understand what the emotional affair did to you.
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A
male
reader, Jason means Healer +, writes (25 March 2009):
Wooo! It's generally frowned upon to even GO THROUGH another person's mail, let alone what your proposing to do.
I respect your defense of your relationship but you're way OTT!
What you are doing is blatant manipulation of another's private life and correspondance, it's wrong on so many levels.
If you know the lack of wisdom in confronting him about it (for then he'll know that you betrayed his trust) then you're risking an avalance if he did find out you'd deleted it.
I'm afraid your "tool" is not so much one of pre-emption but more of a feedback intelligence facility.
And yet, it cannot be denied that you do retain the power to wipe her out to a certain extent.
I think you'd better just stick to having your "little wise owl" who can keep tracks on stuff without attempting to extend your powers to master manipulator.
Lady Karma will not be pleased.
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A
male
reader, CrazyMind +, writes (25 March 2009):
 I don't know you.
I don't know about your situation.
But to me, this screams of major jealousy, and you're being rather childish about the situation. Do you not trust your husband at all? They have to work together, and they won't build a strictly work relationship effectively without seeing eachother - if he doesn't see her this time, there'll be times in the future; and I don't see how you should be restricting his career because of another woman who happens to also earn a living in the same profession.
By deleting the mail, it will only call for another mail to ask again, or maybe a phone call for a direct answer. You need to get on and live your life - lose the jealousy, and accept the fact that your husband has to deal with somebody you have a problem with.
"Also, do you think that if he truly loves me as he says and is trying to prove it and win my trust back, he should resign from this bl**dy committee and give me one less headache and reason to doubt?"
Erm. No. You need to get over yourself. Stop worrying so much, and get on with LIVING.
Yes, this may seem harsh, but from my point of view, you're trying to take control over what your husband does, and his work. You need to start trusting your husband again, and stop trying to be so controlling over him. If you deny somebody something, it usually makes them want it more. And, if you don't start trusting your husband, it may one day come that he leaves you for this other woman. You wouldn't want that now, would you?
- Crazy.
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (25 March 2009):
 Don't delete a work related email. Records will show that she sent it, and that he deleted it, and if for some reason someone asked why he didn't respond, it will only serve to make him look bad.
Let him read it and respond.
If you are this unhappy about his position at work with the committee then tell him so. See if it is even possible for him to resign his position. It may not be as senior partners are often expected to head such projects.
I suggest talking more openly with him about your concerns over this woman. Tell him why you are upset with their wrk situation. Since he made the first offense, he should be willing to open up and divulge the full nature of their working relationship, down to exactly how much communication he must have with her.
Making himself completely transparent to you is the best way he can start earning back trust, but at the same time you need to give him a little, otherwise why should he bother if you're never going to trust him again?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): I would say don't delete either it appears to be business related. There must be something else that has happen in the past that makes you not trust your husband. You are his wife so you should be able to express yourself with him diplomaticly. Requesting he resigns, is not a good idea either, because there will aways be something someone. Hopefully, he is willing to work on the trust issues. You the know the radio is talking alot about text messages relationship. Maybe through convo you can bring it up and see what he says. Get an idea of where his head is at. I have a text delimma. Maybe you can respond to mine, Texts but won't call. Cause I am lost.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): hi, no please do not delete this message, it is work related.
however you can try asking him to resign from this committee, but please do not hold your breathe, he will not.
also, please where is your self esteem, you are trying to hard and it is driving you crazy. please i know you are hurting but if you do not watch out you are heading for a nervous breakdown. you do not want that, and i do not want that for you. please try and work through this pain/ betrayal. i know that you want to trust him again but you are going about it the wrong way.
deleting the email will get you into trouble. also remember that people "track" emails, so maybe she has tracked it to see when and if the email was read.
so what if she is much younger than you. you too have a full live ahead of you. live your life fully, try making new friends, get involved in socials. anything to keep your mind busy so that you are not tormented by this betrayal. please take care of yourself and stop worrying so much. it IS GOING TO MAKE YOU SICK.
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