A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:should I just cut this guy from my life? I really don't want to but have a feeling I should for my own good. So I'm completely in love with this guy. We were school lovers and he broke my heart. Then ten years later we got back in contact with eachother. We talk every day all day and are sleeping together. When he's been drinking he has told me he loved me but next day he just brushed it off. He has made plans for holidays with me and talks about taking me places but never does. He pulls away when it comes to it. I confronted him the other day and refused to sleep with him and said I want more. He told me he's not seeing anyone else just me whereas he knows other guys have asked me out...they have but I've said no. He told me I shouldn't say no because of him and he wants me to be happy he told me if I want a relationship I shouldn't keep ending up in his bed because he told me he has been hurt badly in past and has to switch his emotions off and he really isn't a relationship place. I was devastated. He told me he really likes me and its not just sex else why would he talk to me every day and if thats all he wanted he would of cut me off and told me he has done this in past to other girls and would have no hesitation in doing it if that's all I was to him but he's not going to stand in my way if I want to date other men as he can't emotionally provide what I need but said he's always going to be there. Since this talk we continue to message every day although the flirty messages have stopped. He saw a guy when we were out ask me for my number and instantly was messaging me. He got moody when I said I was going on a date (I dont want to i want him) and then when I told him I wasn't going to go he was quite mean about it but then we go back to our hour on end conversations and hes sending me photo messages of his day. Its killing me though as I just want to be with him. I dont think I could cut him entirely from my life. He's the person when I split up from my ex that I called at 2am crying and he knew right things to say and I just like our conversations. Id be heartbroken if he was with someone else but if I wait around for him to commit how do I know he ever will and do you think he's lying and doesn't like me at all really? Why does he talk to me every day? He initiates it aswell. Hes also more than happy to let people think we are an item and even says if a guy talks to me who I don't want to to say he's my boyfriend if we are in same place. My head hurts. Id be happy to do something casual of at end he commits but he's not promising that and I can see it'll me that gets hurt.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2020): Forget how you knew him years ago. The past is the past and this is what matters now. Today and the future, nothing else. Many woman put a fairy story around the man they are obsessed with and try to make it sound far more special than it really is. It makes them feel that all of their suffering is worth it. That somehow it will all pay off in the end.
The truth is that if a couple were really madly in love and compatible ten years later they would not have split and they would not have gone without contact for years. Nothing would have been able to force them apart. Nothing, even if they were different parts of the World.
When one of you loves the other they don't go off with someone else. It's easy to think that fantasy years later when you meet again but it is not a logical way to see things.
Relationships are not supposed to be hard work or full of worry and sorrow. If you choose a man who gives you sorrow then nobody else can make you happier, your choices decide how happy you are, nothing else.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2020): If he is phoning you regularly, seeing you a lot and having sex with you then he is in a relationship with you already, he does not need to admit it or put it into words. What is dating and having a romance with someone other than that? Why do you make such a big deal of him admitting it and saying it, he is doing it, so enjoy him doing it and leave it at that. I suspect you wanted even more, an engagement or plans to live together or maybe a baby and that is why he said hey I do not want this. If you merely want to spend lots of time together, have sex and flirt then be blessed - you are living that life with him already.
Nobody can guarantee it will last and it probably will not. But many marriages and many relationships where they live together do not last either.
One thing I know for sure is that you are coming across as needy, and when you make it obvious to your guy you are relying on him to be fair by you and want more from him he either thinks deeply about whether or not he wants the same or he figures out you need him more than he needs you and are vulnerable, loses respect and interest for you - because you are too easy - and loses interest after a bit. Don't be so open, don't wear your heart on your sleeve. He has no right to know how you feel and it is pointless him telling you how he feels because it changes day by day and may well be lies. He also has no right of you putting him first or telling him who you see or what you do when you are apart.
You are making it all far too easy for him, so he knows he can do what he likes with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2020): I try to offer young-women frank and straightforward advice about how to deal with men. It's unpopular, but I'm not here on DC in a popularity contest. I'm offering the benefit of my experience and wisdom to deter a few broken-hearts; and to save people from making grave mistakes. Comfort and reassure those in pain. I only give advice on those topics that I've lived through, witnessed over a lifetime; and have sought the best of advice, researched, and consulted with wiser minds about. People only want to be told what they want to hear. Many can't handle the truth. If I get to but only one person, I've helped somebody. That's good enough for me!
Like far too many men in this modern-age we live in, they want regular sex on-demand; while being noncommittal and avoidant of responsibility. They'll stick around just long enough for women to become fixated and emotionally-attached; then they'll set the terms of how things are going to be. His way, or the highway! He is so sure of himself, he'll even act a total d!ck! Sticking him with babies and entangling your finances with his won't keep him either. He will drop everything; if that's what it takes to get his freedom back. Tricks and schemes can always be unraveled, and traps can be broken. Moving-in together is cozy; but guarantees you nothing! You can hate the advice, but the facts remain the facts; and I didn't make them up. If you read DC, you'll find plenty of supportive-facts and evidence written by women day after day!
You are both dedicated-friends with benefits. He is a friend to the end; but he enjoys all the perks of having a romantic-relationship without offering you faithfulness and exclusiveness. He has a built-in exit-clause. He claims he wants you to see other guys; but if you do so, he manipulates you with sulking or pouting. Playing on your feelings of guilt, and toying with your affections. He knows you want more, because you've told him so. Now he knows you're hooked! He knows once you've become attached, you can't let him go. He makes all kinds of noble comments like he wants you to be happy and see other guys. He doesn't want other men to touch you, you're his property...that is, when he feels like it.
There was a dead-giveaway, and you didn't even catch it! He came with this popular and frequently-used disclaimer: "He's been hurt, and not ready for a relationship." Why do women continue to fall for that??? Then why do these guys always take the sex? Women are more prone to attach feelings to sex, than men. Relationships don't last, because they are predicated and stipulated on sex. The feelings are lopsided; or there's a sad case of infatuation in-progress.
Too many guys suffer arrested-development. A horde of commitment-phobic baby-men who think with their penises; and women all too often let them getaway with it! Why? Because you have a misguided-notion that all men are like this; and you won't be able to keep the man you want, unless you submit to his terms. That's only because you always set your sites on the wrong-guy for all the wrong reasons; and your sense of entitlement (plus desperation) makes you throw all commonsense and reason to the wind! Those women who get the guy who commits and finds themselves husbands don't compromise their values and objectives in life so easily. They know what they need and deserve; and they won't settle for less. They learn from their mistakes. Losers don't pull a game on those ladies; because they know how players are, and they don't just let their hearts lead them around by the nose. Their brains and hearts work in sync. They think AND feel!
You see what he's pulling with your own eyes; but you want to be with him so badly, you're putting-up with this crap. How happy are you now?
My advice? Dump this dude! Put a tight-lid on the honeypot, and save it for someone willing to commit, love you, care for you, and offer you all that you need and desire. Even take things to the next step; if love takes it that far! Your post is a product of your frustrations with this player. See it for what it is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 August 2020):
 I agree with Cindy
For one, you should NEVER go back to an ex, even one from 0 years ago. While you both might have grown, there is history there, not all good. And he can't be the only guy out there.
YOU put yourself in this situation. You made presumptions that he would want something serious with you, again. When he clearly doesn't.
Someone who tells you... " He told me I shouldn't say no because of him and he wants me to be happy he told me if I want a relationship " that is HIM telling you I don't want a relationship WITH YOU. I'm happy sleeping with you, hanging with you, texting but I do NOT want a relationship WITH YOU.
You want a relationship? He isn't the one.
Wish him well, cut all contact and MOVE on. Stop wasting your time on this one.
You think you can "fix" him. You can't MAKE him want to date you.
You want different things.
Don't SETTLE for something casual, if you want a relationship. Casual rarely turns into a solid relationship down the road. It's not realistic.
His words and his actions don't match. He says sweet things when drunk, to KEEP you sweet, because this "fuck-buddy/FWB/casual thing is OK for him for now... UNTIL he meets someone he DOES want to date. It won't be you.
Might as well accept that and move on.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (31 August 2020):
 It takes two to make a relationship work. At the moment there is only one of you putting in any effort - and it certainly isn't HIM. Regardless of how much you think you love him, you cannot make this work on your own.
IF what he says is true (and that is a big IF), he is punishing you for the sins of others. YOU did not cut him but he is bleeding all over you and you are choosing to allow this.
Why does he talk to you every day? Because he wants to keep you on the back burner as a Plan B in case nothing better comes along. You stroke his ego every day and he likes that. Why wouldn't he? Knowing which buttons to press to make you want him does not necessary make him right for you. It just means he is clever at playing people.
I do wonder though what the hell you are doing dating other guys when your heart is not in it? Do you think that is fair on them to use them in this way? Would you like someone to do that to you or someone you are close to?
Sadly it doesn't sound like you are ready to give up on this guy yet. You will probably hang on for quite a while longer, in the hope he will commit to you. Who knows? Maybe one day he will suddenly see the light and realize you are the one for him. Or maybe he won't. Is it worth wasting your time on him? Only you can decide. I suspect we will hear from you again.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 August 2020):
 Sorry, OP, but you have only yourself to blame . You are being stubborn, you are discounting not only your gut feelings but also simple plain evidence under your nose- so if you are going to get hurt , ....it's not as if you had not seen it coming .
This guy told you and also showed you by his actions that he is not going to commit and he is not going to provide what you need from him emotionally. What has he got to do to convince you, swear it on a Bible ?
Sure, it may not be totally about sex. And why not ? haven't you ever heard of Friends with Benefits ? That's the friendship part: the conversations, the camaraderie...
Without even that, then he would be strictly a fuck-buddy. He is comfortable with something more than that, texting calling etc.,...but that's it , for him yours is a casual thing , and if you want more you won't get it from him. I won't say " ever ", because , after all, ten years ago you WERE dating until he got fed up and broke your heart... only to come back into your life ten years later. But what do you plan to do... wait around for maybe another ten years... just in case he changes his mind again ?... That would not be very smart, don't you agree ?
I know that rejection hurts and unrequited feelings hurt and I do not discount your sadness and loneliness if you decided to cut this guy from your life. Maybe it's going to be tough. And yet, I invite you to THINK and not stir up more drama than necessary.
Keep things in perspective. You say that this same guy broke your heart years ago- that must have felt bad. Then again, luckily, and naturally, your heart did not stay broken, it got mended at some point, you moved in, you dated other people, fell in love again.. As a matter of fact, you fell in love with that ex because of whom you were crying on the current guy's shoulder at 2 AM ! Same ex about whom you don't cry any more , because you are too busy obsessing about this guy..My point is : don't be afraid, and don't get stuck into a situation where you don't receive the kind of love you want. No heartbreak last forever; and I'd think it's much better a sharp , short lived pain, like pulling a BandAid, that the gnawing pain of knowing that you are in his life on sufferance, convenient for now but super-disposable when he gets the "real thing ".
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