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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My husband suffers from ADHD. He was diagnosed as an adult, which explained why he was so physically active, had problems with memorizing people's names and birthdays (never-mind their children's names or birthdays), kept losing his stuff... and as a consequence developed anxiety and depression. It's not easy for and ADHD person to leave in a "normal" world, where his lack of certain skills is understood as rudeness. One of the worst things about his ADHD is his tendency to hurt himself. I don't know what the reason is. His lack of attention maybe? But he keeps hurting himself, ranging from small cuts and bruises to almost cutting of his fingers a couple of times. He's been going to therapy and he even tried medication. Nothing helped with the problems I mentioned. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that he's not my responsibility, but I'd like to help him slow down, be more attentive...We tried meditation, but he cannot stick to it. He cannot sit still if he had not exhausted himself physically.The problem I mentioned (him hurting himself) has started to generate other problems. His self-esteem plummets every time he shows up for work with bandaged hand, for example, when he has to "explain himself" to nosy colleagues. He's rarely hurt when he works or does small stuff around the house. It's mostly when he either does sports or engages in his hobby (he's an amateur sculptor).I worry that he might get seriously hurt doing something that really isn't important at all. That's what he says bothers him after. That he got hurt doing "something stupid", something he did not have to do.Thank you for your help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AnnaGreen  +, writes (12 September 2020):
 I have a lot of sympathy for you. You have done everything you can and more, you have been resourceful and diligent and a wonderful wife. I think you need to be reminded that you cannot do more and your husband is very lucky to have you. It is not advice you need, I am sure you know the subject and your husband far better than all of us put together, but you need support and encouragement to continue this life. See the good in your life, it is there. It just sometimes gets over shadowed by the bad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2020): People manage their emotional-disorders, psychological maladies, and complications from neurological disorders by sticking strictly to their prescribed-medications; and seeking regular consultation and medical-therapies from their doctors. Missing appointments and dodging your doctors orders is often the problem.
Your husband doesn't do this for this reason, and won't do that for some other reason. Then commonsense says, you should do what the doctor tells you to do! That means take your medications as prescribed, and eliminate activities that might injure or physically disable you. He has ADHD, but he's also stubborn and probably not cooperating with his doctor. He puts on a facade of doing it for your benefit.
He continues to do things his disability encumbers; and therefore, he risks life and limb. He's likely skipping or missing doses of his medication; so it will not work!
If he can't do sculpturing without injury; if and when he decides it's time to find a hobby that doesn't require tools that can chop-off his fingers, or cut him; he will minimize or totally eliminate mishaps and small injuries.
Sometimes medications cause loss of coordination. He'll either avoid taking the medication, which renders the therapy useless; or keep trying to do the things he used to do. Let's assume he's naturally cumbersome, or a little clumsy. That combined with medication, might keep him hurting himself. He should read the side-effects listed on the medications. I am almost sure he isn't taking the medication according to prescription, or not taking it at all. Usually the case!
Your worry doesn't help him. You two need to sit-down with another specialist, and workout a therapy program that is more effective. Then he has to follow it to the letter. He has to stop sculpting with sharp tools; and try using softer materials that don't require cutting tools! He's probably naturally accident-prone; and he just has to be careful, and not to over-challenge himself attempting things that require acute balance and coordination. Many people with ADHD are always lost in thought, preoccupied with living inside their heads; and aren't paying attention to the task or activity at-hand. Which means he has to slow-down and pay attention to what he's doing! Ego and pride will not allow some men to adhere to the restrictions set by their doctors. Thus things go wrong, and they induce frustration that leads to depression.
If one doctor doesn't seem to help much; then you have to do your research and find another. Call a local medical university or college of medicine; and ask if they might recommend a few known specialist in the field of ADHD. They can refer you to local-practitioners and specialists who have the latest in treatments and therapies.
Socialized medicine has some drawbacks; even if you're in Europe, Canada, or any other country that offers socialized medicine. Often because doctors are overwhelmed with patients. They don't always give you the quality of treatment and advice that you deserve. Some doctors are just too old, and their methods and procedures are out-dated; so the patient suffers, because they're not getting the full benefit of the latest in medication and therapies. There's somebody out there who can help your husband; but nobody can help an uncooperative and stubborn patient.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2020): Hi
It sounds as if you have tried all the avenues that are available and appropriate. I cannot imagine what else there is that you can try, to help mediate the effects of your husband's ADHD. The person to ask to make sure about this is your doctor I would think. As far as making your husband more attentive and to help him slow down goes, well the characteristics of ADHD are hyperactivity and lack of attention, and if the meds and the therapy aren't working, I can't imagine what you CAN try. Trying to get him to engage in slower activities is something he already does, if he's a sculptor. Shame that uses instruments he might hurt himself with. Could you get him interested in something artistic that doesn't involve sharp instruments, like painting instead?
The only thought I had regarding this, is, because you can't change your husband or his condition, maybe you could change your reaction to it?
No-one wants their loved ones to hurt themselves, we all feel this way and for those of us who have ageing parents or disabled relatives or friends, or who are in fact getting older themselves, this is an avenue no-one wants their loved ones, or indeed themselves to go down. BUT if there's nothing that can be done to prevent it and life comes with no guarantees after all, then perhaps your best route, after you have checked with your doctor that everything has been tried, is to accept that shit happens and that all you can do is be there for your husband as you have been so far. That probably is all you can do. Good luck.
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