A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a male in the USA in my 40's. I plan on getting married again in a few months. I have 2 young sons age 9 and 6. I pay support for them and see them 3 times a week. One child likes my GF the other one does not. She also does not get along with my exwife and my friends don't care for her. My friends are worried about her and the money situation. My wife to be wants me to combine accounts with her and help pay for her 20 YO daughers tuition to college. My friends warn me that we should keep seperate accounts and that I should put that money away for my own boys needs. My friends tell me that the stepdaughter to be has a father and he should chip in. What do you think?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 August 2010):
 In a word: run.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 August 2010):
A dent in your 401!!! Bad, bad, bad. As the others say, don't combine again.
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A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (25 August 2010):
 No.
You shouldn't have to pay for HER daughter's education. If her father is in the picture, let him do it. You have 2 young kids who BOTH need whatever it is you may be planning or have already planned on saving for them. Keep your son's finances separate from your account that should be with your wife to be :)
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Your stepdaughter dipped once into that account she's going to again. Why spend your own money when you can spend your step-daddy's? She's living the high life and has a damn good job at 20 let her fund it. In fact, she can learn some discipline paying for own schooling or taking out student loans. This one is a spoiled brat and needs to learn the hard way. In fact, I'd make her pay back what she spent on your 401k that's your retirement not her retail therapy money. Now, if your wife starts to complain point out you have 2 children to support and their own college fund to start. You're not made of money and it doesn't grow on trees like your step-daughter seems to think. If she has trouble paying for school she has a father who can fund her schooling. Keep you foot down on this one.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (24 August 2010):
 With this new info I say keep it separate. She makes more money but spent part of your 401k!?!?! To me this says GOLDDIGGER! That's not a good sign. If her daughter is living a less than frugal life, she doesn't need your help. Only help if she's struggling to get by. This just sounds really greedy to me.
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A
female
reader, curleywhirlyhurly  +, writes (24 August 2010):
oh my god you seem to be sucha special guy any woman would be lucky to have you !!! to be honest your kids your own flesh and blood should come first i think you should stay abay and not pay if you ask me once you join accounts she will want more and more i think you should dump here as she sounds to be a gold digger life is short be carefull my friend your kids come first !!! xxxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): I am the poster of this question. Oh did I mention also that my wife-to-be also makes a little bit more money than I do? I am not sure if this matters or not!?!?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): I am the poster of this question.
Yes my friends want me to get a pre nup agreement as well. They do think that she is going to use my wages for their own needs. my friends point out the tuition, high end apartments, shopping trips,etc. We did throw our money together for a little while during our relationship and her and her daugher put a dent in my 401k.(this info worried my friends)
When we broke up for a couple of months I changed the $ back to my name only. Now she wants to combine again. My friends also point out that my 20 yo stepdaughter to be lives with her BF in a high end apartment and has a shift managers job at a communications firm. They say that she is living as an adult with a BF and a pretty good job for a 20 yo.she should pay for it on her own and or have her father and Mother(soley) chip in to pay tuition. What do you think?
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A
male
reader, Pantherfan +, writes (24 August 2010):
any time you are marrying a family with children there are going to be more issues than one without. While having a joint account that is used to pay for your step-daughters college is a tough choice you definitely want to make sure you also maintain a separate account for your own children if you do. My own personal thoughts, your girl friend (not even fiance yet let alone wife) and her ex/daughters father have had 20 years to plan for and save to send their child to college, you I'm guessing are sitting around the days/weeks range of this concept, if you want to help out great, if helping out is too much of a financial strain, tell them that, there are plenty of student loan programs out there and they are fairly easy to get since those debts can not be erased.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (24 August 2010):
First and foremost don't combine accounts. I'm a banker and have seen the down side of this too many times to count.
Honestly, your friends are right. Your children should be your responsibility. Your stepdaughter to be does have a father. Regardless of if he's a deadbeat or not, it isn't your responsibility to take care of this adult's future. After all, she is an adult.
Now, if you want to help her with some stuff, I'd take it slow. Maybe buy her books or something like that. Based on what you said, your fiance gives everyone a bad vibe but you and one of your kids. This usually isn't a good sign. Her pressure to combine accounts and get access to your money is also a bad sign. It makes me question her motivation. It sounds like she's looking for a meal ticket. I do hope I'm wrong about this.
Now, your soon to be stepdaughter is showing good choices going to school. If you do decide to help her, I would put stipulations on your support. Minimum GPA and things like that. I'd be more inclined to help the better a student she is. That way I know that my money wouldn't be wasted on partying and the like.
As for joint accounts. My professional recommendation is you each hold separate accounts and a joint account for your joint bills. You each contribute equally to the joint account so that things are even. The extra money you can do with what you will. If you choose to help with her bills, that's up to you. Also look at who is better with money. Do you keep a budget and live by it? Does she? Whoever is better with that should be mostly in charge of it. Having 2 people spending out of the same account often leads to the money running out very quickly and money getting tight due to overdraft fees.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (24 August 2010):
 watch out- you could be walking into a finacial hole
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Having separate bank accounts in a first marriage speaks to me of lack of commitment. In a second marriage it can be quite a different matter.
You haven't told us what sort of understanding you have with your fiance. Is she marrying you with the expectation that your assets become hers to do with as she pleases? Have you discussed this?
While you certainly want your new stepdaughter to be part of your life and to offer her as much parenting as she and her mother want you to, the fact is that your primary responsibility is to your two young children, just as your stepdaughter's father's is to her. Your friends seem to think that your fiance has the potential to clean you out with her daughter's expenses -- are their Spidey Senses tingling? Even if your friends are out to lunch, it does no harm at all to keep the assets intended for your sons quite separate and apart from those for your new family.
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