A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I would really appreciate some objective advice as I am feeling very confused and stressed. I started seeing a guy 4 months ago. It was going well until he met my 25 yr old daughter who took an instant dislike to him and made it clear Since then it was a bit awkward but we've got closer. However, there is an issue re time together. We both live in London. He works 6, sometimes 7 days per week (building work which he says is tiring). I would like to see him every week at least one night per week and he agrees and said he'd like to see me more but in reality it doesn't happen.We did not see each other for two weeks then had one evening together (not a night) on Saturday. I am going away for ten days on Monday and we agreed to meet this week then he said maybe not as work is manic and we could meet as soon as I get back. I got stressed and kind of called him out. I explained that this does not work for me, asked him if he actually wanted to make time and said if not. I will start to try and detach myself. He then agreed to make time. I was NOT giving an ultimatum but sincerely,was feeling stressed and telling him honestly what works for me. I was willing to take the consequences however painful.Should I have to practically beg him.to see me?? Am I being unreasonable?? I've been out of dating for a while. I even said there is no pressure and if he is super tired we can just relax and go to sleep early.We talk on the phone and WhatsApp every day. I work from home so have much more time etc and he is a lot younger than me. He lives with relatives and I have my own place.I told him honestly how I felt but in doing do, showed my hand. I explained that regular weekly dates are what am looking for and that I missed him and was finding it stressful and hurtful.Excuse the long post. I hope it explains clearly and honestly. He also has some personal stress re his relatives. My daughter overheard some of my phone call with him and said he is taking advantage and I am being desperate but I was sincerely just trying to discuss with him as I was genuinely finding it stressful Any comments would be much appreciated. Thank you. Liz Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 November 2016):
 Have you met these relative that he lives with or is it him always coming to your place? Something sounds dodgy with this guy. I mean we all need to work, but nobody works 24/7. If he really wanted to see you and spend time with you then he would. I would want more as well. Stop begging him to come over and see when he actually asks to come over. I don't think he can be trusted.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2016): Spare yourself the misery and ditch him.
Unfortunately he fancied your daughter and is backing out slowly.
Your daughter is correct in saying you sound desparate because she knows the scene.
Dropping him off at the nearest bus stop or building site would do you the world of good and bring back the groceries instead cook a nice meal and have a chat with daughter about what a ****head he was.
Normality will be restored.
Xmas can be looked forward too again!
Next time pick a man who is older and wiser.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 November 2016):
 " If I did not want to carry on seeing you, I would tell you ". That's a bit of a cliche', and very often simply not true. Why ? because if they told you, they would stop getting whatever they are getting out of the deal : for instance, effortless sex on request, at their convenience .
I have no idea if this is what is going through this guy's mind too, of course. Maybe not. I think perhaps the truth is somewhere in between : he DOES want to carry on seeing you- as long as it does not require him much time or effort.
Ler his actions speak for him, OP. Talk is cheap. You already had a conversation about this, right ?, you told him what you want, and you told him that this tug-of-war makes you feel stressed out and hurt.
If he took you seriously, he'll TRY, at least, to crank it up a notch ( and he gets credit for at least TRYING.) If he can't find the way to at least show you a little improvement, a little effort- then his are just empty, manipulative words .
You'd be wise to not get into this any deeper, and not let yourself be overwhelmed by your emotions. Of course if you are already crushing on him badly ,you cannot exactly switch your feelings on and off. But- before putting your hopes up, or having certain expectations, or deciding that anything he says is Gospel truth- wait. Watch what he does, and wait.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 November 2016):
You are not expecting one rule for you and another for him- but .. who got to choose which the rule is ?
Any set of rules can only be applied and can only work if both parties accept them and commit to respect them, in view of a COMMON end.
It seems to me that you and this guy may have different expectations, different wants and needs, and a different view of yout situation.
You want him to act like a boyfriend, a steady partner- he wants sex and companionship occasionally, when it fits into his schedule without any particular effort.
That's not to say that he must necessarily be a douchebag, but that you may be on very different pages . Probably you are quite more invested in him than viceversa.
He has a demanding workload ( at least, so he says ) , and persons with a demanding workload have to make a special effort ( in organizing their life, in cutting down time with friends, in summoning up physical energy... ) to carry on a relationship. They'll do it if they think it's important enough, if it's an absolute priority.
Otherwise, they won't, and I think this is what 's happening.
Now you have told him clearly what you want and what your expectations are- and that's a good thing, I believe in transparency much more than in being wily and playing games , it saves a lot of time. But, he does not have necessarily to want what you want. Now, step back , do not insist, let him think and do his move. If he feels you are worth rising to your expectations,he will make the effort- otherwise , he won't and you can colour him gone. But that's not a negative ; if someone can't/ won't give you what you want ( in your case , a modicum of reliability and regular dates ) the sooner you can weed him out, the better !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2016): *Mina, thanks for your answer Yes I did suggest that about the work clothes and he agreed to come but I felt it would have been better if he had suggested it like he used to do at the beginning. It feels like a tug of war ie he holds back until he sees that I am genuinely into him and I hold back until he makes time.....Maybe a good talk would help..??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2016): Hi, this is the OP. Thank you for your answers. Re girlfriend, no he doesn't have anyone else as far as I can see. He insists that he wants to be with me and spend time. He says he is a bit worried about giving his heart to me because he wonders if I just seem him as a plaything/toyboy and will eventually get bored and move on to an older man. He said to me 'If I didn't want to carry on seeing you I would just tell you'. There is a definite spark between us when we are together. The main problem for me is that I am already emotionally attached to him and falling in love - does this make a difference re whether I should wait and try and bit longer, or try to detach now?
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A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji +, writes (24 November 2016):
 If someone is interested in you they will always make time for you. To me, it sounds as if he is keeping something, are you sure he hasn't got a girlfriend?
I understand he works a lot, but why not suggest he goes to work from yours? Maybe invite him for some dinner and wine and tell him to stay and also bring his work clothes.
If he says no, I think you should just let him message you when he wants to next see you, you shouldn't bring it up anymore
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2016): P.S. How do you know this guy does not have a girlfriend or wife? His wishy washy attitude is a warning sign of him already being attached and in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2016): Sorry, but he isn't all that interested. He just does not know how to tell you or wants to avoid any drama.
I think you should start detaching from him. It has only been 4 months so it shouldn't be that difficult. Thank your lucky stars it was not 4 years you would have wasted with this guy.
And now, you move on with your life. Live YOUR life. You have made it clear to him how you feel. He is going to have to do the chasing now. He will have to show you he likes you enough to do the work. To pursue you. To arrange time to spend with you. You were honest, up front and told him exactly what you expect from this relationship. He needs to meet you half way. He needs to compromise. You have a right to your expectations. Never lower them for anyone. One night a week is not enough. The fact he will not even try to make an effort to see you before you leave for 10 days says it all. And once you come back, he will have an excuse to still not see you.
If I were you, I would move on. You are wishing and hoping he feels the same and I get that. But in reality, it seems you are both on different pages relationship wise. He appears to want a little companionship and sex on his schedule without doing any of the relationship work. You are more invested. Don't allow your heart to get further invested in somebody who will not return your time, effort and investment in them. You will only be broken hearted in the long run. And why stick around trying to chase a man? Trying to convince him to spend time with you? Don't you want a man who freely contacts you and wants to spend all his time with you? This isn't the guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2016): *This is the OP here with an extra comment. If he were to be going away for a week, I would certainly make time to see him before he goes - I am not expecting one rule for me and another for him.
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