A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with my boyfriend for 5 years now, (I am -9) and I love him to pieces. We sleep over at each other's all the time and it's all been perfectly fine. Then one night we were at his and he said "my parents wont be home until 12:00am." Then he took his shirt off and took off his pants until he was completely naked. He grinned at me and placed his hand on my right boob I immediately pushed him away as I don't think I'm ready for sex yet. We left it at that and didn't speak for the rest of the night and I went home the next morning thinking different thoughts about my boyfriend.What should I do!? Should I tell him I am not ready for sex and take the risk of ending our relationship that Makes me so happy? Or should I have sex with him and then our relationship will just be awkward for me and I will think differently of my boyfriend?HELP
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): By "legally children" that's under 18, which they were, Wiseoldman. I don't consider children having sex to be adults just because they are over the legal age of consent.
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male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (17 July 2014):
The OP is British and the age of consent there is a sensible 16, same as in Canada and far later than it is in Europe. So please spare us the 'legally children for four out of the past five years' argument. If you don't want to have sex with him, OP, don't. And if that's the case let him go find someone else because after five years, if you still don't feel like having sex with him it's time he left you to have a relationship with someone who finds him attractive.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): Most young men now a days always think that sex is the equivalent of LOVE. That it's the ultimate proof of LOVE. That to prove that a woman loves his man, they should have SEX. When sex would only play a minor role of a couples lives together should they decide to get married and be happy.What our youth today doesn't realize, SEX was created for the mere intention of creating another BEING. For PRO-CREATION and not for fun. I'm not saying SEX shouldn't be fun. No! It should be fun but be aware of its borders and limits. In your case, if you think that you're not ready yet then hold it off. You can tell him that you're saving your virginity for the right person and at the right time. What's scary about sex for fun or just for the guys benefit is that the female can get pregnant. You're 19 yrs old you don't want to be a young mom. When other ladies are enjoying their single life, you could be miserable, with a child and unwed. Think of the consequences before you do something that you might regret in the long run.When a men's libido kicks in, everything else shuts down... including his mind.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 July 2014):
 to the anonymous female poster who said:
"Hmmm I am very surprised to see so many people telling you to just "go for it". "
I see ONE person who posted prior to you saying that.
the others (myself included) have told the OP NOT to do something she is not ready for....
but our concern is WHY she feels NOT ready at 19 with a boyfriend for 5 years... and why she actually has to ask if she should tell him or not...
there are things being left unsaid.... helping someone here is not always so black and white...sometimes we have to help someone figure out what the REAL question is.. which in this case is not "should I have sex" but rather
"I'm 19 in a long term committed relationship and I am afraid to have sex or talk about it with my partner"
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): At 19 I don't feel you're ready for sex from what you have said. 20's or later is a better age, but it is individual for everyone. Discuss this with him and don't do anything you don't want to because it will be a bad experience and memory as well as a regret if you do. If he leaves due to this then you have to just accept it.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 July 2014):
 Well, I would not know about the " legally chldren for 4 years " thing, I would not play it up. If anybody bothers to read my posts, they'll know that I am no big fan of underage sex, I think that having sex under 18 is unwise, and under 16.. downright horrible. Yet,... children are sexual beings too , you know. They have curiosities, desires, impulses- wants. That they hopefully are capable to keep them within certain limits it's one thing, that they do not feel or experiment anything , all another.
These two "children", I suppose, will have made out some, will have French kissed, will have fondled each other, even m with clothes on ... He will have had erections, she will have noticed or guessed them, ... she will have felt shivers of exciment or anticipation even during the most innocent of caresses, they will have thought or fantasized how would it be if.... I mean, in 5 years of datng they will have had their erotic moments , even if they haven't felt acted on them yet ?....
This is just guesswork from what the OP says, but it sort of sounds like so far they have been just like snuggle buddies, they have had sleep overs and been around each other for 5 years but more like just best friends maybe ?
So, the answer is obviously no, you do not have to have sex just to please a man, or to make him happy, you always have to do , sexually, only what you are comfortable with. But, why are you uncomfortable with the idea of being intimate with your bf, it's a good question.
I don't think it is a religious thing, the OP does not mention wanting to wait till marrage, just not feeling ready. And also, while nobody HAS TO be ready by 19 ( or 22...25... any age ) , most of the girls who write to DC with similar doubts, have them because it's the SITUATION that makes them not ready... they don't believe their bf s committed... they are afraid of being used... they don't feel in love.... all things that n 5 years sould have been sorted out already ?...
Anyway, in conclusion : no, OP, you do not have to have sex if you do not want ( but have to know why you do not want ) and yes, of course you have to tell your bf !, then again how are you going to hide it from him, if he keeps tryng,... are you going to tell him that you have got your period for one or two years straight ?:)
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (16 July 2014):
 You know what aunts, OP being old enough as a lot of you have pointed out, shouldn't be reason enough to have sex! If OP isn't ready then she isn't. That's that. Forcing someone to have sex because they're old enough is simply disgusting to me. Yeah he's a guy with needs or whatever which after 5 years we can surely understand but he can't just get naked and be like let's do it, no one is home now. That's forcing the situation on someone. However, i will agree that OP sounds like she is in a long term friendship of comfort, not a relationship. It's clear they're on different pages so maybe they're better off as friends. It's horrible to compromise your feelings about sex just to 'save' a relationship. What if it leaves you feeling dirty and awkward after because if you feel that way before sex then what makes you think that you'll feel different after? Communicate your feelings to your boyfriend OP, either that or move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): I'm not sure if you'll feel this way, original poster, but I'm a bit surprised that it's been implied a fair bit that it's strange that you're not ready for sex. The reason I don't find it at all odd is because you were legally children for 4 of the 5 years and have only been in an adult relationship for 1 - 1 and a half.
You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable doing, but I do agree with Cerberus that it would be helpful to know why you had such a negative reaction to him touching your breast. Was it because it jolted you into realising he wants what you're not ready to partake in? Or was it something else?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): "Or should I have sex with him and then our relationship will just be awkward for me and I will think differently of my boyfriend?"
Wait, what?
What kind of boyfriend is he that getting sexual would make you think differently and awkward after 5 years?
There's something more to this, OP, your reasons are very unclear.
I mean the fact he touched your boob makes it sound like that's the first time he did that.
Sounds to me like you're just friends, glorified cuddle buddies.
You're not ready to have sex, so by all means do not do it. But you need to figure out why, after 5 years of being with him, just touching your breast makes you freak out and think "different thoughts" about your boyfriend. Is it a religious thing? I don't get it.
I understand nerves and not being ready. I don't understand you freaking out over one grope after 5 years.
Sounds like you're just friends and nothing else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2014): Hmmm I am very surprised to see so many people telling you to just "go for it". I personally do not think that is good advice. I can't count how many girls I've heard say that they regret sleeping with so-and-so. I always tell my friends that if they have any doubt about sex, they should NOT do it. I have literally NEVER had a friend say, "wow, I really wish I slept with that guy when I had the chance".That being said, it is 100% up to you to decide what you ARE comfortable with. Spend some time journaling about it, and maybe talking to close friends or family. Do you want to wait till marriage? Or an engagement? Or just till your older, in case a pregnancy occurred? Or are you thinking that your BF may not be "the one" and therefore you want to wait until you're with someone else? Or do you want to try other "bases" before you go on to have full intercourse? It is important to know how YOU feel so that you will not be as easily swayed by others opinions (including your bf's).FInally, TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND. That is really important. I believe that two people should not have sex unless they talk about everything before hand. What will you use for protection? What WOULD you do if there was a pregnancy? What are things that make you nervous about physical intimacy?Finally, I always recommend that every woman read the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". I think that should be required reading for young women, as it provides an understanding of your body that is hard to find anywhere else.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 July 2014):
 Um, why haven't you told him you aren't ready yet? I mean the poor dude have you HANGING out in his bedroom while the house is empty and then when he tries to initiate something you push him off but don't TELL him exactly why?
IF you are not ready then you DO need to tell him.
If he doesn't WANT to stay with you and NOt have sex then let him go. JUST like you shouldn't HAVE to have sex to date him...
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 July 2014):
 You should tell him you're not ready for sex.
But you should also ask yourself why you aren't. You're old enough to be having sex, and after 5 years, if you don't WANT to have sex with your boyfriend, then that tells me you don't actually love him in a romantic sense, rather just in the brotherly sense.
Look, he's turned on by you, obviously, and want to take things to the next level. If you were crazy about him too, then why after 5 years with him are you not eager to be with him as well? You've taken it slow, but if you keep waiting then it goes beyond slow and enters a whole new stage, called: Im just not sexually attracted to you, and we'll never have sex.
Now, that's just my take on it. If you're honestly turned on by him and would love to have sex with him, but just don't feel ready for whatever reason, then fine. Wait some more years. But think about whether you actually aren't ready, or if it's rather that you just don't want sex with HIM in particular.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 July 2014):
 I've been thinking about your question: "Should I tell him I am not ready for sex and take the risk of ending our relationship that Makes me so happy?"
Of course you should tell him where you are and what you want and don't want. It's a bit of a concern that you are more concerned about your happiness than his. "take the risk of ending our relationship that makes me so happy" you wrote. I think someone in a really rich and full relationship would ask instead, "am I the right person for my love at this time?"
Perhaps this is a generational thing, that everyone puts themselves first, their feelings count above all others.
I think someone who was really and truly concerned about their partner of 5 years would have more concern about what makes the other person happy.
You're old enough to have sex, you are old enough to make your own decisions. Aren't you even a tiny bit interested in being sexually intimate and bonding in that way with the man you 'love to pieces'? If not, then perhaps this is more of a friendship than a true love match.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 July 2014):
You are 19. You are old enough to have sex, if you want to do so.
You've been with your boyfriend for 5 years. You've been having sleepovers with him "all the time" for some time now. Unless you've been living under a rock or in an extremely sheltered situation where you don't know what might happen next, you might be having some sexual feelings of your own.
As you wrote in and asked the question, my basic answer on this is no, you should not have sex to keep your boyfriend. Apparently, you have no interest in being physically intimate and his approach failed to arouse any interest in doing so.
If you have to ask this question of strangers on the internet, no, you aren't ready to have sex.
Be clear about this to him. It's okay for him to want sex. It's okay for you to not want to have sex. If he is okay with waiting, then he'll stay. If you are okay with having sex, then you'll have it. If you are thinking that you'll never want to have sex, it's time to be honest.
I would hope that after 5 years you have developed good communication and trust, especially as you say you love him to pieces. Time to be a good communicator and discuss your side and concerns with him.
Sex can be a wonderful bonding experience for a couple who are both ready to experience it. It can be devastating to a person who simply isn't sexual or who isn't ready. You sound like you may be in the latter group.
If you aren't ready you aren't ready. If he's ready he's ready. If you'll have to wait for a while to be ready, convey that to him.
I would stop the sleepovers for now until this is sorted out.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2014): Here's your problem:
- Most people over the age of 18 (but not all) will not stay in a relationship for 5 years with no sex.
HOWEVER(!), you were kids for 4 of those! Do NOT have sex until you are COMPLETELY sure you're ready; once you introduce sex, you can't usually go back if you don't feel comfortable because he will expect it!
THAT SAID, he probably won't be happy until he gets sex, so I think this is the end of the road for the two of you. He'll resent you for no sex and you'll resent him for "making" you have sex.
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female
reader, flo.cool +, writes (15 July 2014):
Go for it, I mean it's been 5 years for gods sake, sex is a part of life, the boy you like might start to think you don't trust him. You getting older and sooner or later you will want to do it. If you worried it's not protected go on the pill or if it hurts a lot for your first time tell him that you want to take it slow, who knows you might actually enjoy it
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (15 July 2014):
 If you are not ready for sex then do not do it. It will be a horrible experience if you do and one which you will regret and possibly resent your boyfriend for. NEVER let anyone pressure you into sex, not even a BF!
If he dumps you for not having sex with him then he isn't worth having. If he loves you then he will wait until you are ready, within reason of course.
You say you have been together for 5 years but, at 19 years old, its fair to say that for most of those five years you were two kids playing at relationships. You got together at what? 14? The adult part of this relationship is barely begun.
Mark
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 July 2014):
you are 19 and have been dating him for 5 years...
when do you think you will be ready for sex?
what is holding you back?
no do not have sex just to please someone but it's not IMO natural for an adult with a willing partner to not want sex.
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