A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I'm very upset just now. My girlfriend has left me, because she thought that our relationship was getting too serious, when we're such a young age. She did this, just over 4 months ago.Just before that time, she had planned to go on holiday with some of her friends. A week or so before this, she phoned me up and asked me if it was ok to sleep with one of her male friends to ease sleeping arrangements (their were about 8 of them going, sharing 2 separate rooms). She'd known this friend for several years, and got on well with him. It was believed, but not confirmed that he was gay.In any case. I was unhappy about the idea, but eventually decided she could. Looking for prespectives about it, I asked my parents, who were outraged that she could even so much as ASK me if this was ok. "She should have known that's not allowed" they said.Anyway, after I told her about all that, she seemed pretty annoyed that I was against this. A few days later, she broke up with me.I'm wondering if this was the final nail in the coffin. Did she realize after this that our realtionship was as serious as it was? We were together 2 and a half years.Question: Was I right to say she couldn't sleep with her male friend? And was this the final nail in our relationship's coffin?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): You're in the right. She's not.
Break up with her (like it seems clear you & she were already heading towards) and forget about it.
Don't gripe about the fact that she slept with this dude because the fact is that you DID grant consent for it no matter how inappropriate the question is in retrospect.
I don't think the fact that you let her do it was crazy, because that's just a matter of trust and there's nothing wrong with trust. But she shouldn't have let the issue come up like that. It might have made things awkward for someone else if the arrangements were changed, but what about how GODD*MN AWKWARD it ended up being for YOU and HER? You're supposed to be someone's angry BF too.
Split up with her, don't keep bringing up the incident, and just do things differently next time.
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (10 October 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
There's no reason why she would have *needed* to sleep with another guy in the bed. Wasn't there another girl going who could have swapped bed partners? Or couldn't someone sleep on the floor or a couch or get a cot from the front desk? There are a lot of other sleeping arrangements that could have been made.
And I know that a lot has been mentioned about trust issues, but what about the respect you deserve as her boyfriend? Sorry, but I think it was out of line for her to ask this question, actually consider it, and then - especially - get angry about it and break up with you.
The bottom line of it all is that she asked you and you said no. Obviously she didn't give a crap about your feelings (why did she even bother to ask then is what I want to know*), because she got angry and threw a fit instead of considered what you had to say.
If she really cared about you and cared about your feelings, she would have acted completely different. Disregarding someone's feelings like she did is not how someone acts when they're in a loving relationship. Heck, it doesn't even have to be a "loving" relationship - it should matter when people are in a "just caring one ounce about how the other person feels" kind of relationship.
* I think that she may have been looking for a reason to break up with you. Perhaps this was the best reason she could find at the time. Even though you trusted her, I still think you had a valid reason not to. Just my personal thoughts.
Be glad that you found out her feelings before anything else happened (you getting more attached, her going to sleep with this guy, more excuses being created, etc). It sounds like this relationship was headed down the drain before this whole sleeping situation fiasco. All of this could have been avoided if the the both of you had equal feelings for one another and equal respect.
Short answer: Of course you were right to share how you felt with your girlfriend. You answered her honestly and told her your true feelings. This may have been the final nail in the coffin, but it's not because of anything you did. She obviously was not ready for the relationship.
Sorry - I feel like this answer of mine was really negative. But you should try to look at it in a positive way. You can have a fresh start with someone who values you, respects you, respects the relationship, wants to hear your true feelings, will compromise on things, will want a serious relationship, and will actually treat you as a partner.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (10 October 2007):
 PM me. I'll take this private.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJesus, Penta, have you never heard the expression to "cut the crap"? It's just another saying for "the bottom line of it is" or "To get to the point" ect, ect.
In any case, you have avoided my question. Is this my fault? Was there nothing wrong with what she was asking? How would you feel about your partner asking you if she could share a bed with their close friend when their would be drinking involved?
I will say, at first, I was more or less ok with the idea. But after the talk my parents had with me, I sort of see what they meant. But if all this cost me my relationship, then I would have let her do it... maybe.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (10 October 2007):
You said: "Cutting the crap a little here: Do you see my point in any of this, or do I not have case at all? You seem awfully pro-ex at the moment. Is this all my fault?"
I think that the two of you were badly matched. Asexy said it pretty well.
I think she was honest with you. If she meant to do more than sleep, she probably would have kept you in the dark about it rather than talk to you about it.
But that said, I do think that you have a right to your opinion. If you feel that this is wrong, you should stick with that and find a girl who shares your opinion, rather than worry about this one.
Even though it was painful, and I'm sorry for that, I think it is a good thing that the two of you broke up. If EVEN ASKING was a problem, then the two of you shouldn't be together. You have very different world views.
Move on, so that you can be over her when you meet the girl who is right for you. This one clearly wasn't.
Sorry you thought my advice was "crap."
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): I wrote my answer before anonymously. I understand that you are the type who would analyse things deeply and I am sometimes the same so do understand. The situation that your girlfriend wanted to create was one of intimacy and those situations often lead from one thing to another. Whether anything had happened or not she was being emotionally intimate with a guy and creating a potential hazzard or risk - that is a form of betrayal. The thing that bothers me is first, is that this should be so important, this moment of intimacy that she has to absolve herself by getting permission. This makes it all your responsibility. I can not compute why this thing should have been more important to her than your feelings. I see that you are very confused about whether to stick up for her, in fact you get angry when people giving you advice come down hard on your sied and angry when they defend her too. In my life I twice allowed a male friend to share my bed. I spent the whole night pushing one off, even though I was wearing huge pyjamas. On the other occasion, platonic cuddles developed into a delicious and unresistable experience but I felt awful because I already had a boyfriend. This is a matter of being smart. Don't put yourself in the way of temptation needlessly ( I could have done without both these experiences and ended up wishing I had not bothered) and don't accept letting other people undermine your own beliefs. You were totally and absolutely right to feel the way you did. I hope you can believe in yourself a little more, you will find that is the single most important thing to develop if you want a good relationship. I am still battling with the aftermaths of several awful mind-games that I have allowed other people to inflict on me. If I had had a bit more nowse and was a bit tougher about making choices that were good for me, no matter how much they would have hurt, I would have avoided a lot of long term problems. To help me build my self esteem I have been using a website called Mindgym. It really helps self-doubters like you and me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): You sound like a lovely person. No you were not wrong, it is completely unbelievable that anyone would suggest otherwise. Why the hell the big thing about sharing his bed. OF COURSE it was letting you know that she would sleep with him. Otherwise why wouldn't she just take an inflatable mattress and sleep on the floor? This was to salve her conscience. Anyone who says it is not is a hopeless naive person.
You deserve a girlfriend who will be loyal to you in bed and out of it. If anyone tries to imply that you were unreasonable to restrict her freedom to shag another, well I suppose it is a free world. But I actually admire you for being a decent human being. Immature kids that want free sex won't be good relationship material later. They are destroying their own belief in others and spending emotional currency without even realising it. The fact that you can speak to your parents is really fantastic. When you get older and get married I doubt that you will want to discuss such intimate things with your parents, but you may talk about many other things in a deep way. Perhaps some others answering don't have that. Sorry for them. I suppose they may as well spout while they still know best. Life has a habit of knocking that arrogance out of you. Good luck, don't grieve for a moment. The best revenge you can get is to let her see you happy, be happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked my parents because the situation made me uncomfortable, I needed advice, and didn't know where else to turn. I didn't see the harm in talking to my parents. It'd be no different than asking my friends, which I would have done if I hadn't spoken to my parents first.
"How would you have felt if she had broken your confidence about something that was just between the two of you?" I don't understand your question.
Of course I'm getting old enough to make my own decisions. But then in that case; what the hell is this site for?? It's for individuals who are looking for advice, because, e.g. they want other people's prespectives before making a decision about their problem. A little like I did with my parents. I needed perspectives, and their experienced perspective was that what she asked of me was wrong.
Having reviewed the points my parents had brought up, it was a little disrespectful of her to ask me. I told her that it was good that she asked me, instead have assuming it would have been fine. I thought I was ok to her about it, she just seemed a little angry that I was uncomfortable with the idea.
I'm sure that would have been a better scenario, but I will ask you nicely now not to talk about "what could have been" because now, that changes NOTHING.
Cutting the crap a little here: Do you see my point in any of this, or do I not have case at all? You seem awfully pro-ex at the moment. Is this all my fault?
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (9 October 2007):
Please don't take this the wrong way, 'cause I don't mean it badly. But why did you ask your parents? This was between you and your girlfriend. How would you have felt if she had broken your confidence about something that was just between the two of you?
I guess I'm glad that you can talk to your parents; that does say good things. But you're getting old enough to make your own decisions, and I'm pretty sure you knew what they'd say. This seems like a place where you should have talked to your girlfriend instead.
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but your girlfriend talked to you, you thought it might be okay but weren't sure, you talked to your parents, they gave a stern lecture to you, and you now felt incensed that she'd even ask? Then you carried over those feelings to her.
Wouldn't a better scenario have been she talked to you, you thought about it, you told her that it made you uncomfortable but maybe the two of you could talk about it some more, the two of you come to a compromise -- one way or the other?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWho said anything about "Sex" exactly? I knew for a fact that, either way, Sex would be off the table. It was more my concern that they would be close. Touchy close. I never for a moment believed she would do that while together with me, but all the same, I was not about to allow her to just jump into bed with another guy. It would be disrespectful of her to do this.
Also, just because I didn't make it clear before: I did meet the friend. He was a nice guy. Seemed fine to me. I trusted him. But in any case, it wouldn't have mattered WHO it was, it would have not been ok. It's not a matter of "If I was ok with it" because the fact is, it would just be wrong.
I told my parents everything, just about. I told them what she asked of me, and that was enough for them to be completely against the idea. I explained about how the guy might be gay, but that just made things worse. They started saying "Well, if she doesn't even know if he's gay or not, then she clearly doesn't know him very well" I then tried to argue that he says he isn't gay, in which case they said "Well there you are!! He doesn't think he's gay, so are you going to allow him to sleep in the same bed as your girlfriend.
If I'm honest, I felt a little bullied into telling her she couldn't do it. I trusted her, but my parents showed me that some things in this situation were just wrong. This is why I brought up this question. It happened a long time ago, but I still worried this is what caused the collapse.
It's a bad situation, and it's tough for me to talk about, but I'm trying my best, and I'm enjoying this discussion. Please understand it isn't easy for me. I'm the type that dwells on things that can't be changed, and looks a lot into "What could I have done differently", ect.
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A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (8 October 2007):
 You said: "I'm sorry but how does; not being comfortable with my girlfriend sharing her bed mean that I don't trust her?"
Because you automatically assume that this means she's going to have sex. But as you set it up there were also going to be 2 others in the room. Doesn't sound like opportunity for sex to me.
You could alternatively asked to meet the guy first, gotten to know whether you trusted he was gay, made a point of getting to know her other friends, and above all, if she said nothing was going to happen other than sleep, trust that nothing was going to happen other than sleep. But "sharing the bed" automatically means she's going to have sex. So it's a trust issue.
How much of the situation did your parents get? Do we have all the information? Did they have more/less? Maybe I'm deluded -- it could happen.
But if you do think that her sharing a person's bed means she's going to have sex, then you're better off without her. Either because you can't trust her and she's trustworthy, or because she's not trustworthy and you deserve better than that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI DID TRUST HER!!
I'm sorry but how does; not being comfortable with my girlfriend sharing her bed mean that I don't trust her?
It just doesn't make sense to me. There must be a reason why my parents, whom thought she was a great person, and very good for me, reacted so angrily to her question.
Furthermore, it's their business to the point that they look out for my best interests, and can offer advice where I need it. I needed advice, and their advice was; tell her that she can't sleep with her friend.
Is this whole thing what doomed us?? I don't want this to be the cause of my relationship collapse. Particuarly as I caused it... apparently.
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A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (8 October 2007):
Well, Penta said part of it. And even though I do think that it boils down to trust, there's also an incompatibility problem. She's not going to like the judgment and you're not going to like her choices. I think this would be a long-term problem.And if you and she have different "morals" (for lack of a better term), and if your parents weren't going to like her anyway, then you need to find someone else. But I think Penta said it well. She wasn't asking for permission for sex. But that's how you interpreted it. So you're better off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot that I disagree with you but, why do you think that, Asexy?
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female
reader, penta +, writes (8 October 2007):
She was going to share the room with three other people, right? One of them was him. And it's not like she asked you for permission to have sex. She told you about it beforehand. I think she was being straightforward.
The truth is you don't trust her. And that's sad. And why does what your parents think matter? Isn't this between you and her?
Anyway, the fact that she left you, rather than do something behind your back, shows a kind of ethics. But it does mean that she wasn't as in to you as you were to her, and I'm sorry for that. But it sounds like you dodged a bullet. In the long run, it's better for both of you that you split. I'm sorry that you're missing her; 2.5 years is a long time. But it's much better that she left now than strung you along, isn't it?
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A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (8 October 2007):
Then you're better off without her and good riddance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI couldn't go. I had college at the time, and in any case, it was a way for her and her friends could celebrate their final year as a group, before they parted ways for University.
I don't like how it all seems to come down to trust. I trusted her with my life, as I would with a number of people in my life, but the fact is; she'd be sharing her bed with another guy, and trust or not, that is not on. Certainly not in the eyes of my parents.
She would have been on holiday. New place, new surroundings. She would have had fun for the entire two weeks. There would have been lots of drinking involved, ect. And lastly, people sometimes do stupid things. I'm not at all saying she would have, I'm just not closing my mind on it.
I don't understand how I'm the bad guy here. I've done nothing except that; I've not been particuarly happy about my girlfriend asking if could share her bed with another guy.
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A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (8 October 2007):
Well, my initial reaction was that you should have initially told her that you assumed sex with him was OFF the table. If sleep meant SLEEP then you trusted her (even if you didn't trust him). It's a trust issue. Add to this that there would probably be 4 in the room total (unless the other 6 squashed into the other room) and that she told you before hand, and you probably should have trusted her. You basically told her that you didn't trust her. And the conversation you'd had 4 months prior meant that you needed to not own her.
However, as I thought about it, I began to wonder why she hadn't invited you to go? If it was coed, shouldn't she have wanted to share a room with you? Even if sex was still off the table, I mean. Basically she chose her friends over you. So in the end, you're better off without her. You want someone who will choose you. But you've got to learn to trust, so you don't alienate the next one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): To be perfectly honest, just reading this i get the impression that she was looking for an excuse to go. Maybe i was wrong, but the sleeping with another bloke, in my books is totally out of order, even if he was supposed to be gay! I think she has used this to get out. Sorry but you are better off without her and you do deserve better. Your parents were right, but dont tell them too much in the future. It is your life and not theirs.
take care
xx
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