A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a dilemma. I have just received an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding. We split up 3 years ago. He treated me really badly when he dumped me yet wanted to be good friends with me. He came over to my house 2 weeks after we had broken up and had clearly already got over me as he was raving on and on about how amazing this girl was that he fancied (the girl he is now marrying). Somehow I managed to remain calm when what I really wanted to do was thump him for being such a jerk toward me. I couldn't believe he was already moving on 2 weeks after we had split up and would be so insensitive as to tell me how amazing this girl was. Anyway, I eventually moved on and met another man who I was with for 2 1/2 years but he has just bailed out on me for no apparent reason. No phonecall, nothing.So, I am facing the new year with a boyfriend who has disappeared on me and then a wedding invite from my ex. The timing couldn't have been more off as it has dredged up all kinds of feelings in me. Mainly I feel like a total failure that my relationships don't work out and I wonder what I do that makes men want to run a mile. My friends all say that they can't understand why I wasn't snapped up years ago as they say I am gentle, patient, and calm which I thought were good qualities but maybe not... None of my ex partners has ever had the decency to tell me what, if anything, I'm doing wrong.I told my Mum that I didn't want to go to my ex's wedding. But now my Mum is getting all funny on me because she says that I should go to my ex's wedding (my ex is the son of a family friend so my whole family are invited) as I should have put all this behind me by now and that I shouldn't let my ex control my life. She will not accept that I do not want to go. I mean why would I want to go to the wedding of someone who was so unpleasant toward me at the end of our relationship that, for a while, I contemplated suicide? I can't really imagine that his fiancee would really want me there either.I just don't know how to deal with my feelings on all of this.
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fiance, my ex, split up, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miss Karma Louise +, writes (3 January 2010):
i do sympathize.
think of 2010 of coming back as stronger you.
make it a new years resulution "im going to be strong".
if i was you i would totally go to this jerks wedding!
id get myself a real hot date make myself look like a filmstar and go and show him that you are a strong independant woman and you mite have a date but you dont need a man to complete you!
you say you loved this man,
but you didnt actually love him you liked the person you was when you fell in love with him first,no doubt you were happy and blah blah.yes?
whenever he comes into your head,you tell him to F off.
please understand this will be good for you if you turn up to his pathetic wedding maybe it will be a good time for you to heal.
go for it lady xx
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 January 2010):
No, don't go. He treated you badly. Your mother is just trying to pave over the cracks. He treated you badly, so don't go. And if your mother has a go, tell her to go herself if it means that much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): Don't go to the wedding. I don't care if he is the son of a family friend, the guy treated you callously and you would be going against the truth if you show up and be present at his wedding. Stand up to your mother and tell her it is none of her business, butt out, you are not going, end of subject.
The only thing that you are "doing wrong" is to blame yourself that these relationships did not last. It takes two willing people to have a healthy relationship and only one to break it up. So your exes had their part in the demise of the relationship.
You deal with your feelings by accepting that it is over and putting your focus entirely on yourself and start doing the things that you want to do and that fill you up.
When you are happy with your own life alone as a single woman is when you will attract the right man to you. When you are being your authentic self the best man for you will recognize you and want to know you.
These men were not the right ones for you, it happens. That is what dating is for, to learn who is best for us.
Don't fret too much about it. Closure is overrated and doesn't really exist. Because when we try to explain an emotional decision with logic it just doesn't work. And analyzing why something happened although sometimes helpful in learning what to avoid in the future, does not make our feelings go away or our hurt go away, it just doesn't work like that.
Your job now is to put yourself first and take care of yourself. You don't need to go to a wedding that would make you feel uncomfortable or make you mad or sad or any of that. You do not owe this to your Mom or your ex. Save the money on a wedding gift and go spend it on yourself.
Have a good day.
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